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Cxjenious
09-23-2011, 02:08 PM
Title: Precocious Crush
Author: Makokam
Rating: M
Genre: Romance
DLP Category: Misc
Pairing: HitGirl/KickAss
Status: WiP
Summary:So, you meet someone who gets you. You have fun together, you like each other, and they're cute. But he says you're too young. What are you supposed to do? Just let it go?
Link: Link] (www.fanfiction.net/s/6604037/1/Precocious_Crush)

A light, fun read. It's about 60 chapters, but they're all rather short - one is only a sentence. I didn't figure myself one for Kick Ass fanfiction - especially when it is essentially about an 11 year old girl - but this story hits the nail on the head, and Hit Girl is written quite well. Not heavy on prose; like I said, a fun, light read.

5/5. Perfect for its genre.

Thaumologist
09-23-2011, 06:42 PM
DAMN YOU.

I started reading this, and am now on 22, and haven't moved. The age thing is kinda weird, but apart from that (and that's mostly ignorable, as I'm completely ignorant of the American School Year labelling) it's awesome.

EDIT

And have now read it all.

The deliberatly changing chapter length is actually really working for this - we don't write a diary entry of 1.5 pages and no more each time we would write one.

The age thing is even weirder. It has been a while since I turned twelve, but even then I was ahead of the curve as far as puberty is concerned (although not female). Mindy's fantasies are weird. I don't like reading about an eleven year old that wants 'hot, sweaty, flesh on flesh action' (if not that exact wording, it's pretty similar).

DarthBill
09-23-2011, 11:24 PM
Very good story. Updates often once per week, though they are short updates.

5/5

Alive and Free
09-24-2011, 08:31 AM
Nice story, loved the movie but I never thought to check out the fanfiction.

yak
09-24-2011, 08:51 AM
I spent an hour re-watching the good bits of Kick-Ass before reading this fic. The refresher helped.

This fic doesn't deserve a 5/5, but I'm giving it one anyway. The plot is a bit aimless in the beginning until the author gets a lock on where she wants this story to go. There are a few spelling and punctuation errors, but no more than normal.

Watching Mindy's struggles against her youth, Marcus' and society's expectations, and for Dave's attention are the big draws here. Mindy's relentless drive and hope to fulfil her impossible dream of becoming Dave's 11yo girlfriend and lover are both disturbing and endearing. She's got such tenacity that I can't help but admire her character. On the future of Mindy and David's relationship, the author has as much as said that nothing will be happening between them until she's at least 14, which reduces the squick factor.

The pacing of the story is perfect for showing Mindy's character growth, but also painfully slow considering that we're 69 chapters in and she's just celebrating her twelfth birthday. The fic started with her being 11 and intends to end at 14 or later. It's covered maybe 6 months so far.

It's a great, light-hearted read. Once I started, I didn't stop. 5/5

Cxjenious
09-24-2011, 10:37 AM
Her wet dreams did creep me out. Even if I had equally vivid ones around the same age.

Fenraellis
09-24-2011, 05:37 PM
Her wet dreams did creep me out. Even if I had equally vivid ones around the same age.
I halfway forgot that you were male, considering the correlation and a glance at your avatar.(before my eyes flickered down just a bit more to your gender as confirmation)

Anyway, I'm about thirty chapters in at the moment, and enjoying it quite a bit. yak gave a pretty nice synopsis of the idea of the story.

Edit:
Finished up to the current seventy chapters, and put it on my alerts for now.

Innomine
09-24-2011, 06:17 PM
I'm currently reading it. While the age thing is a bit squicky, the worst thing by far was finding out that the author was a male. Really thought it was a chick lol.

29 Chapters in so far, and enjoying it. It's lighthearted and... nice. Hope it stays that way.

Styx0444
09-25-2011, 05:43 AM
Fuck you. It's 5:40 AM. I should be in bed, but I'm reading this. It's great. It's really well done, and I'm pretty impressed by Mindy's characterization. I'm not bothered at all by the age thing, though (they aren't doing anything, I don't see this dissolving into porn, and it serves a purpose anyway) so I suppose your mileage may vary.

5/5

Cxjenious
09-26-2011, 03:34 AM
Fuck you. It's 5:40 AM. I should be in bed, but I'm reading this.

5/5

The same thing happened to me. S'why I recommended it. I lost about... three, maybe four hours of sleep.

Thaumologist
09-26-2011, 03:52 AM
The same thing happened to me. S'why I recommended it. I lost about... three, maybe four hours of sleep.

Yup, same thing here too.

Castiel
09-26-2011, 04:22 AM
I don't know whether to say thank you or FUCK YOU!

I realized I had yet to see the movie, something I very much regretted after watching the awesomeness. I saw the movie (had the DVD) at about 11 PM, ended at around 1 PM. Then read the story the entire story till morning. And was half sleeping in school...

So, yeah, FUCK YOU!

Kari Black
09-27-2011, 02:01 AM
I loved Kickass, but this is the first fic of it I've read. It was fucking awesome. I love the way he writes Hit Girl. And yes, 11-12 year old girls do have sexual thoughts and dreams like that. I know I did.

Innomine
09-28-2011, 08:34 AM
So, finally finished this. Definitely wasn't something I felt like reading all in one go, but also something I found to be worth finishing. I didn't find it incredible, but it was definitely a fun light hearted feel good fic. it does the job it's set out to do quite well.

Would be nice if there was some conflict in the fic atm though, right now it's nothing but a description of a preteens life. And I ended up skipping the squicky preteen sexual thoughts. They may be natural to some degree, but I still don't really want to read them. Especially weirds me out as it's a guy writing it.

Either way, it's a 3.5/5 for me, rounded up to four.

Makokam
10-12-2011, 09:59 AM
Well well well. This just made my day.

First, I want to thank Cxjenious for recommending my story and for the review. Well, I actually want to thank all of you for your reviews. Especially Yak. I liked his so much I actually considered modifying the summary to include it.

Now, i wanted to respond to some of the comments made...

Well, I guess I'll just start by addressing Mindy's fantasies/the age thing in general.
I see Mindy as having been raised in a way that leaves her with one foot in adulthood and the other in childhood. She is still very much a child in many ways, but she believes herself to be as much an adult as Marcus. So, in her mind, she sees no reason why she shouldn't be able to be with Dave and the only obstacle is him not looking at her that way. Well, and Katie and Riley. After all, if she can kill a dozen men why can't she have sex?
As for her fantasies, I thought they were all fairly PG-13 at most. All of the one's I've written haven't gone further than kissing(I actually re-wrote a scene just to make it clear that even in her fantasies the clothes were still on). In fact they all end at the moment skin to skin contact is made because her brain just doesn't know how to process the sensation.
I guess you could say that she subconsciously realizes she's not ready for this sort of thing, which is something that will come up frequently as the story progresses.
But then again, it wouldn't be PRECOCIOUS if she wasn't thinking thoughts she was too young for.

However...

Mindy's fantasies are weird. I don't like reading about an eleven year old that wants 'hot, sweaty, flesh on flesh action' Her wet dreams did creep me out. Even if I had equally vivid ones around the same age. ...the age thing is a bit squicky...I can't say I have a problem with these reactions. In fact, they're almost the point. While there are a lot* of people who do want to see sweet and fluffy moment between Dave and Mindy, this was never intended to be that kind of story. This IS an awkward sort of story. It's a story about an 11-14 year old girl that was raised to be a killer that has a crush on a boy who is 5 1/2 years her senior. How could it not be?

But then, as Kari Black said...
And yes, 11-12 year old girls do have sexual thoughts and dreams like that. I know I did. I did in fact question my female friends about this sort of thing, and afterwards decided that Mindy thinking this way wouldn't just be a plot point, but fairly normal.

And as Styx0444 said
(they aren't doing anything, I don't see this dissolving into porn, and it serves a purpose anyway)They aren't, it won't, and it is the common thread tying this all together.

And on a final note, I'm just working with what I've got. If Mindy had been 18 this story would have been over by now.


Now...
...the worst thing by far was finding out that the author was a male. Really thought it was a chick lol.Especially weirds me out as it's a guy writing it.What's with the double standard? Most writers for page and screen are male, so many, if not most, female characters, be they excellent or trite, are written by men.


The pacing of the story is perfect for showing Mindy's character growth, but also painfully slow considering that we're 69 chapters in and she's just celebrating her twelfth birthday.Tell me about it. Every time I think I'll be able to skip some time I end up writing every day of the flipping week.

The fic started with her being 11 and intends to end at 14 or later. It's covered maybe 6 months so far.Actually, It's covered almost 9 months. The story started at the beginning of September and the next chapter will be during the first week of June.

Cxjenious
10-12-2011, 10:47 AM
I, and probably all the other's, understand why she has her fantasies and such... but they still creep me out, because she's 11.

And I don't think it's a double standard, so much as it's kind of scary that a man can write a little girl so convincingly, however different she is from the norm notwithstanding.

Luckylee
10-12-2011, 10:49 AM
Probably exchanges notes/ideas with Vash.

Makokam
10-12-2011, 10:58 AM
And I don't think it's a double standard, so much as it's kind of scary that a man can write a little girl so convincingly, however different she is from the norm notwithstanding.

Ah. I'll take it as a compliment then. :D

And no, I have no idea who "Vash" is, let alone exchanged notes/ideas with them.

yak
10-12-2011, 11:01 AM
Well well well. This just made my day.

Welcome to DLP. :awesome

Well, I actually want to thank all of you for your reviews.

If there's anything in my review that you'd like to use, feel free. No attrib required.

She is still very much a child in many ways, but she believes herself to be as much an adult as Marcus. So, in her mind, she sees no reason why she shouldn't be able to be with Dave and the only obstacle is him not looking at her that way. Well, and Katie and Riley. After all, if she can kill a dozen men why can't she have sex?

This explains a lot about Mindy's character. I suppose I understood most of it subconsciously, but it helps to have it spelled out.

What concerns me about Mindy isn't her physical immaturity so much as her emotional immaturity. She holds Dave up on this almost unimpeachable pedestal. As long as she holds a torch for Dave and refuses any other romantic relationships, she's going to eventually begin a romantic relationship with a much older, flawed, boy and be woefully inexperienced and under-prepared for it. Or so it seems right now.

Mindy might learn some home truths vicariously through her girlfriends' and Dave's experiences and failures with love, but that isn't the same as living it yourself. Mindy tends to distance herself from her girlfriends' relationship woes as though they're beneath her and not her concern so I'm not sure how much she's learning from it anyway. Mindy doesn't seem completely inadequate in that area. She does have a jaded, world-weary outlook on love... but it's always on other people's love. She doesn't tend to apply those same standards to herself, and nor would I expect her to.

Is Mindy going to get herself a discardable boytoy, or series of them, or maybe even someone serious, before she hooks up with Dave? Stay single and waiting? Kill Riley with a death glare? Is she going to feel insecure that she might not be a good kisser? Mindy's a rather impatient person, but she's been remarkably patient so far in waiting for Dave to "see" her. There are a lot of different paths that Mindy's development might take, and I'm going to enjoy reading it. Just as interesting will be seeing Dave's development and acknowledgement of Mindy's feelings, albeit through her eyes. I'm unsure whether he's completely oblivious of her feelings at this stage, or is treating her like a kid sister with a crush.

And no, I have no idea who "Vash" is, let alone exchanged notes/ideas with them.

Best to let sleeping dogs lie, I think. Vash is a mod here who goes by different nicks. If you want to read his brand of pornographic depravity, there is some over here (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/452042/).

Castiel
10-12-2011, 01:30 PM
And no, I have no idea who "Vash" is

You should.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2963321/1/Oedipus_Flower

let alone exchanged notes/ideas with them.

You should.

:nyan:

yak
10-12-2011, 07:01 PM
A notable point of this thread has been concerns about over-sexualising a pre-teen girl in Precocious Crush. Trying to prompt the author to turn this into a dark, pedo, sexual fantasy is retarded. Take your hand off your cock when you're posting.

Makokam
10-13-2011, 10:57 AM
A notable point of this thread has been concerns about over-sexualising a pre-teen girl in Precocious Crush. Trying to prompt the author to turn this into a dark, pedo, sexual fantasy is retarded. Take your hand off your cock when you're posting.

I think I like this place. :D

In regards to your comments about Mindy's inexperience and emotional immaturity...
Yeah. I know. ^_^

The scene that came into my head that made me want to write this story actually takes place in the last... let's be optimistic and say fourth of the story. But I looked at it, and I saw all the other stories that put Mindy with someone, and I said to myself, "Let's see how it got to this point." So, I started at the epilogue of the movie and went from there.
I didn't intend for it to end up as long as it's going to be, but the characters tend to have a mind of their own and the more I think about it the more idea's I get.
But it does give me a chance to really show the growth of Mindy. She'll learn more about normal relationships, she'll come to understand more about her own damage, and she'll experience all sorts of things that will end up bonding her to Dave even more.

But, as I said, this isn't that kind of fic.

Dave and Mindy are going to go through hell. Remember when Mindy was jumped? Yeah. that was just a taste of what's going to happen to these two. And it wont always be at the hands of other's. Didn't forget the beating Mindy gave Dave for lying to her about resuming hero work?

Holiday Bonus is definitely a recommended read, by the way, if none of you have read it. Especially the first(Valentines Day) and fifth(Memorial Day) chapters. I think it give a very nice taste of the sort of things that'll happen in the future.

Oh, and reread my summary of the story. Really read it. And think about it.

Love to talk more, but time for me to run.

disposablehead
10-31-2011, 05:42 PM
Has anyone read Only Her (http://Tsunade hesitated in replying and Sasuke’s experience in determining people emotions allowed him to tell that she was uncertain how to feel.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7365445/1/Only_Her)? Only two chapters so far, but it's basically Precocious Crush from Dave's perspective, with the crush reversed. Lots of marvelous awkward boner moments. Give it a look.

Innomine
10-31-2011, 06:44 PM
Ok, an 11 year old girl having a crush on a 15 year old guy is pretty squicky, but I guess I could read it.

A 15 year old guy having a crush on an 11 year old girl is just too far however.

Styx0444
10-31-2011, 11:46 PM
Has anyone read Only Her (http://Tsunade%20hesitated%20in%20replying%20and%20Sasuke %E2%80%99s%20experience%20in%20determining%20peopl e%20emotions%20allowed%20him%20to%20tell%20that%20 she%20was%20uncertain%20how%20to%20feel.%3Cbr%20/%3E%0Ahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/7365445/1/Only_Her)? Only two chapters so far, but it's basically Precocious Crush from Dave's perspective, with the crush reversed. Lots of marvelous awkward boner moments. Give it a look.

I like it, but it feels like he's going over the top with boners to help make it feel different from Mindy's POV. I guess it works, so long as Mindy refrains from the term 'lady boner', but it feels really half-assed, especially in comparison. It's not like every other paragraph in PC has a line about how soaked her panties are getting just to remind the audience she's a girl.

Ok, an 11 year old girl having a crush on a 15 year old guy is pretty squicky, but I guess I could read it.

I honestly don't understand why everyone seems so bothered by this. Pretty much every girl I've ever heard of has had a crush on an older guy at some point. It's just that most of them aren't Hit Girl. Hell, since it's her best friend that she has a crush on, it's not even that bad.

A 15 year old guy having a crush on an 11 year old girl is just too far however.

Everyone's a pedo for Hit Girl :awesome

...can't really argue, though.

yak
11-01-2011, 12:18 AM
Where Precocious Crush is fun and awkward moments, Only Her is dark and disturbing. Dave is a particularly tragic character. He's in love with a girl who's physically and emotionally under-developed. He worries about his self-control around her, but continues to tempt fate by continually putting himself in dangerously intimate situations with her. She's a drug he can't kick. The story is a tragedy.

To add to that, Dave is in a physical relationship with his girlfriend while committing this emotional infidelity. An infidelity that he's not even attempting to bring to an end. He knows that he's a monster. He knows that what he feels is wrong. He's not going to stop.

Only Her is definitely not a story for everyone. It's going to make most readers very uncomfortable. It feels like a train wreck in slow motion. I can't wait to see how it ends.

disposablehead
11-01-2011, 01:11 AM
@Styx: Everything possible with Kick-Ass will be half-assed when compared to Precocious Crush.

@Yak: The tragedy is what I like about it. Instead of the cute irony of an 11 year-old crushing on an older guy who she could probably pulverize, Dave's crush goes into all sorts of weird territory. He's directly responsible for the death of Mindy's father. He is her only real friend, or at least that's how it comes across in this story. His role as masculine protector becomes very squicky.

This story makes me cringe. That doesn't make it any less fascinating.

Styx0444
11-01-2011, 01:15 AM
@Styx: Everything possible with Kick-Ass will be half-assed when compared to Precocious Crush.

Not true. Shortly after first reading Precocious Crush, I want on a Kick-Ass binge and tried to find others. Found three/four great ones, plus a couple decent ones.

disposablehead
11-01-2011, 01:47 AM
Links, motherfucker!

Pretty please?

yak
11-01-2011, 02:12 AM
@Yak: The tragedy is what I like about it.

I didn't mean to imply otherwise. My comments about Only Her were meant to be a brief analysis, not an indictment. I'm hoping that Dave continues heading downhill, at speed, until we come to a tragic ending. Or at least an unhappy one [for Dave or the reader?].

Only Her is Precocious Crush's evil twin. I'm hoping that they conclude in stark contrast to one another.

I want on a Kick-Ass binge and tried to find others. Found three/four great ones

Library. Please. <_<

Styx0444
11-01-2011, 02:19 AM
Links, motherfucker!

Pretty please?

Library. Please. <_<

Haha, yeah, no problem. I didn't at the time because my connection was shit, but I've no excuse now. I'll look them up and edit this post in a couple minutes.

Edit: First off, Makokam has more then a few decent ones. Most are oneshots, and I won't bother linking them here for obvious reasons. I'd recommend you check them out anyway, if you haven't already.

Act of Consecration (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7263438/1/Act_of_Consecration):Oneshot. Not great, I'd call it decent. Probably about a 3/5.

Misadventures in Dating (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6999155/1/Misadventures_In_Dating): Short, four chapters. It's a fun little fic, I'd give it a 3.5. Just to avoid anyone giving it a glance and getting squicked out, this takes place several years after the movie, as far as I can tell.

Mindy Vs The Bike (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7017486/1/Mindy_Vs_The_Bike): Oneshot. It was written for the contest Makokam put out in one of the earlier PC chapters. Don't remember if it won or not. Nice tone, it patches PC pretty well. 4/5.

The Case of the Santa Claus Strangler (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6556919/1/The_Case_of_the_Santa_Claus_Strangler): Shortish, ten chapters with decent size. The opening author's note claims family guy inspiration, but aside from one plot element it isn't noticeable. I remember this one being pretty good. 4/5. I remember mentions of a sequel somewhere, but I could be mistaken.

Kicking Ass For Life (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6834373/1/Kicking_Ass_For_Life): Shortish, eight chapters with medium-decent size. Pretty much deals with Dave taking up the mask again. Unofficial (obviously) sequel to the movie with comic elements. 4/5.

Life Kicked Back (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6841348/1/Life_Kicked_Back):Shortish, seven chapters and a long authors note. It's the sequel to Kicking Ass For Life. Takes place years later. 4/5.

Breathless (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5900666/1/Breathless): Decently sized. Eighteen chapters of varying sizes. It's a sequel to the comics, so if you aren't familiar with them already you'll be playing catch-up. I'll put an explanation of what you're missing in spoiler tags at the bottom of this post. This is a really dark fic. It's harshly realistic in more then one spot. Don't go in expecting bunnies and rainbows. That said? It's really damn good. 5/5.

Nocturne (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6402402/1/Nocturne): In progress, twelve good sized chapters so far. Sequel to Breathless, and it shares a lot of the themes. 4.5/5 for now, and it might get better or worse. Again, dark.

Our Truth (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7038234/1/Our_Truth): In progress. Three shortish/decent chapters so far. Defiantly not for everyone, since I have no idea how old Mindy is. Pretty sure she's at least a couple years older, but I have no clue. It isn't very well written, I'd give it a 2 or a 3 out of 5 at best.

The Bloody Adventures of Dave and Mindy (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6365256/1/The_Bloody_Adventures_of_Dave_And_Mindy): In progress. Four fairly long chapters so far. Future fic about Dave and Mindy having grown up and had children. The children became vigilantes as well. It's weird, but decent. 3/5.

Huh. Could of sworn I had more then that. Oh well. For anyone trying to look up more, these were all found by setting the pairing to Dave/Mindy. I have no idea how many others are buried in the rest of it.

For those unfamiliar with the comics and want to know the major diffrences without reading them: 1.Dave didn't get the girl. After he revealed that he wasn't gay, she flipped out. Had her boyfriend beat the shit out of him, and texted him pictures of her sucking the guy off.
2.Mindy's dad was lying. The whole mother killed by the bad guys, ex cop getting vengeance? Never happened. Dude was an accountant that read to many comic books, and wanted to be a hero. He kept his collection in a silver briefcase and sold them when he needed money, after kidnapping his baby daughter who he raised into Hit Girl. At the end, instead of going to Marcus, Mindy went to live with her mother, who she had been lead to believe was dead.

Keep in mind that that's what I've grasped from reading the wiki and put together from a few different fics.