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Zoken
04-08-2007, 07:10 PM
Harry sat in #4 Privit Drive quite bored. To say that he sat in #4 Privit drive, is actually to misspeak. Harry was laying the the flower bed of #4 Privit Drive. Harry was a thin, handsome boy of almost 16 years of age and he was quite unusual. he was unusual for many reasons, one of which was that Harry Potter was a wizard. Another was the scar on his forehead, however, if you are reading this tome you know the reason Harry is unusual.

Harry had been having a particularly depressing summer, not that his summers were not normally depressing, but again you know this. Harry had just lost the closest thing to a parent he'd ever had only a few short months ago. he was feeling rather depressed and as usual during his summers, he had no friends around to talk to.

That changed when he heard a loud bang in front of the house. He saw a man, bald on top but with gray hair on the sides, and a familiar young girl standing beside the older man. "THIS WAY RADISH!" the older man yelled, and set off for the front door of #4 Privet Drive. The blonde girl skipped along beside the older man until she caught side of a rising Harry from the bushes.

"Hello Harry," Luna Lovegood said in her normally dreamy tone. Looking at her gave one the impression she was enjoying music no one else could hear.

"Luna... what are you doing here?" he asked.

"Looking for Mu," she replied, watching her father examine Harry's front door carefully, as if looking for some meaning in the address posted carefully on the door.

"Moo?" Harry asked. "As in cows?"

"No," she said, giggling as if he'd just said the silliest thing in the world. "Mu, the lost continent. We found evidence in sweden that the last of the crumple-horned snorkaks had migrated to Mu long ago."

"O...kay," Harry said. he'd only know the dotty girl for about a year, but already knew better than to try and dissuade her from her purpose. "Why are you looking for it in my house?"

"Oh, is it yours?" she asked happily. "Could you let daddy in to search it?"

"Well, not MINE," Harry explained, "I just live there. Um.. It's my uncle's and... you know," Harry smiled getting a mischevious look on his face. "Yeah, I'd be happy to let you two in."

Harry quickly opened the door by turning the knob, which for some reason Mr. Lovegood hadn't thought to try. "Of course!" the older man exaulted, charging in with a knobly stick held out in front of him. he swept it this way and that, as if waiting for it to lead them.

The Durlseys exploded in rage. Dudley hid in the kitchen as Petunia and Vernon were screaming at the people invading their house. However Mr. Lovegood was not to be detered as he announced loud and clearly, "THAT WAY!" he pointed up stairs and charged forward. Luna swept after her father, waving politely at the Dursleys. Harry, barely containing his laugher, gave the Durlseys a shrug before following Luna and her father up stairs. "AHA!" called Mr. Lovegood, wrenching open the linen closet door.

"Thats the linen pantry," Harry said flatly.

"Oh Ho Ho!" Mr. Lovegood laughed. "You're right," he said to his daughter. "he is a good one." with that he grabbed a stack of towels from the middle shelf and handed it to Hary. he then crawled into the empty space and dissapeared. Harry dropped the towels.

Luna crawled in afterwards, but poked her head back out quickly, "Come on in Harry, it's rather lovely on Mu this time of year." She quickly dissapeared from sight again.

Harry just stared, shocked for a moment, looking into the shelf, seeing only the back wall. He felt rather like alice, Mr. Lovegood being his white rabbit. "Why not," he asked before crawling in after them. He suddenly found himself falling into a lovely meadow on a cool sun lit island. Harry stood and gawed a bit.

"Damn," cursed Mr. Lovegood. "not a one." the old man snapped his fingers. a creature Harry recognized as a niffler poked its head up from the ground, and quickly dove back in again. He heard a bellow come from a near by forest to, as far as Harry could tell, the east.

"How-how?" Harry asked.

"Oh, I know because I'm coated in detergent," Mr. Lovegood explained. "Any Snorkaks, especially crumple-horned snorkaks, would have come running in a heartbeat." he turned to his daughter, "Well Cabbage, I'm going to head back home. Gather some supplies and see what I can find in New Jersey."

"I don't like the states," Luna thought allowed. "I'm allergic to the minerals they fortify the air with."

"Well then," he said. "Why don't you explore Mu a bit, I'm sure your friend here would help you."

"Me?" Harry asked.

"See, now that that is settled," Mr. Lovegood dove btween some rocks that Harry now realized lead back to the linen closet.

"What just happened?" Harry asked.

"Oh, Father wants to go find the Snorkaks so much," Luna explained, "that he is going to go somewhere he knows I won't go."

"You don't like the states?" he asked, still trying to process everything.

"Not the people or anything," she explained as she started walking sout toward a beach. "Its just the Mendeleevium that fortify the air with."

"Why do they do that?" Harry asked, knowing that he couldn't even be sure they did do this to begin with.

"The crabs make them," Luna explained.

Harry nodded, and they sat down on the shores of the lovely beach. "wow," he whispered. "Are we really on this island, Mu?"

She nodded. "Oh yes, father was most certain he knew how to get to the island, but wasn't sure the Snorkaks would be here." she shrugged. "fancy a swim?" she asked as she began to shuck off her shirt.

"What?" Harry asked, holding on to her arms, however this didn't stop her from having it off her torso, giving Harry a view he had to admit he rather enjoyed.

"I want to swim, will you join me?" she clarified.

"We don't have swim suits," he pointed out.

"So?" she asked, as if he were being trivial. "I prefer to swim naked, feels more natural." she broke away from Harry's hand, heading up the beach to where the meadow made a short ledge where it changed to sand. she set her shirt down and began to take off her skirt.

"But... you're a girl, I'm a guy..." he protested.

"Honestly, Harry," she rolled her eyes, almost laughing at her Gryffindor friend. "Its not like I'm going to take advantage of you, don't you trust me?"

Harry paused, baffled by her comment. He looked out over the ocean. "Besides," she said, a few moments later, strolling past him naked as the day she was born, "If you don't want to be naked, don't be naked. Leave something on. I promise though," she said, turning around and holding up her right hand, utterly seriously. "I won't take advantage of you."

as she did this she presented Harry with a full and un obstructed view of her body and Harry couldn't help but notice that she was rather gorgeous. She had a large natural bust, and a narrow waist. such things were always hard to tell through Hogwarts robes.

the water did look cool and inviting, especially once Luna and dove in. when she came up her dripping dirty blonde hair appeared as if it were a warm chestnutt. she turned to look at Harry, and he couldn't help but thing she looked like a muggle idea of a mermaid. Harry doffed his shirt. then his pants until he was in just a pair of boxer shorts. he quickly moved into the water and Luna came up and splashed him.

Harry had started blushing when she took off her shirt and had yet to stop. He was also rather embarassed at his state of undress. no one, not even his dormmates had seen him in such little clothing. yet as he and Luna swam and played and splashed like young children, harry couldn't help but feel comfortable. Luna would not judge him. She would not have expectations of him, and she would not use him. he also remembered that she had made him feel better after losing Sirius.

He realized just how comfortable he was with Luna when he was hit by an especially large wave. he surfaced a bit closer to land and he heard Luna bubble, "Oh, so you decided to go naked to?" Harry looked down and realized the box shorts had come off when he was swept under by the wave. "I'm so glad," she said. Her eyes perused his body and for a moment he was embarassed. "You're much bigger than Cho guessed."

Harry blushed again, but it quickly faded when he realized that she wasn't staring at him or bits of him. she had looked, complimented him, and continued in their game. he grabbed the boxers and contimplated putting them on, but decided against it. he laid them out to dry beside their clothes and returned to the water.

after another hour of play, they climbed out. "How do we dry ourselves?" Harry asked.

"We don't," she explained. "He does." she pointed up at the sun. she laid herself on the beach, and Harry followed suit. after a few moments, Luna announced it was time to turn over. then a little while later she declared them dry. they started to get dressed, but they noticed they were covered in sand. "I'll take care of that," she said, dusting off harry's back. "now me," she said bouncily. Harry nervously dusted off her back, afraid of how low he was allowed to go, given that she was still stark nked. after they were proprly cleaned off they dressed and Luna announced it was time to return to England. They climbed from the linen closet and stood in the hallway.

"How are you getting home?" Harry asked, remember vaguely that she lived near Ron.

"Oh, I Daddy left me a way," She assured him.

"thank you for coming," he told her, putting his hand on her arm, then letting it slip down to her hand. "I was... well I was really lonely."

"I hope you don't mind if I come back tomorrow," she said, as if she hadn't heard what he'd said. "More to explore, and I might fancy another swim."

"I'd love to have you over again," Harry answered with a warm smile.

"thanks," she said. suddenly, before Harry could stop it, she pressed her lips against his and was kissing him passionately. Harry wasn't sure what to do. before he could do anythign she broke the kiss and turned to leave. before she got all the way down the stairs she giggled and turned back to Harry. "Silly me, I broke my promise," she laughed.

"What promise?" asked Harry timidly, still dazed from the kiss he had just enjoyed.

"I promised I wouldn't take advantage of you."

ihateuall
04-08-2007, 07:35 PM
Delete the first two paragraphs. They don't really matter. If you want to include that shit just put in a short sentance somewhere that says he is sad and lonely. I skimmed thorugh the rest. Not very appealing to me, but maybe others will find it to their liking.

Xiph0
04-09-2007, 02:12 AM
Why on God's fucking Earth do you feel it necessary to continue posting your pieces of fetus-matter on our beloved boards when we've already given you Average-to-Fucking Fail ratings?

RE-Fucking-VIEW:


Harry sat in #4 Privit Drive quite bored. This is a STRONG introduction, rawr. Nothing quiet like introducing your supposedly EPIC fic with a misspelled location and a bored main character. Moving right the hell along..


To say that he sat in #4 Privit drive, is actually to misspeak.Oh wow. You're not a native English speaker are you?

1) It's PRIVET.

Pissant

Rejected

Incubated

VD riddled

Embryonic

Piece of ShiT

Privet.

2) In proper American, British, Australian, What the fuck ever English "Privet Drive" is capitalized. Locations are Proper fucking Nouns for fucks sake.

3) "is actually to misspeak" is clumsy at best, again, you're falling over your English here.

Harry was laying the the flower bed of #4 Privit Drive. 1) See above on Privet.

2) laying in the flower bed.

3) Would've worked 10 times better if you'd just said "To say that he was sitting would've been false, rather, he was laying in his Aunt's garden." rather than stumblefuck your way onto the short bus and down the fucking hill like you have.

"How are you getting home?" Harry asked, remember vaguely that she lived near Ron.

"Oh, I Daddy left me a way," She assured him. "Oh iRobot, please stop raping my mind :( :( !"


0/5

Shezza
04-09-2007, 02:27 AM
Okay, I'll be honest with you but I'll try to be a little nicer than Xiph was.
Mate, I've glanced at your stories that you've recommended / posted on DLP, and to be honest, they're not DLP material. The ideas and concepts behind them are cliche or fluff, there's nothing exciting about them and they've all been done before much better than you've done them. That wouldn't be too bad, if you had a better writing style, but your style is average at best. There's no flair to it, no sense of epicness that I usually look for in a story.

Jbern has a good sarcastic flair. Nonjon has a legendary humourous flair. Syao has this massively well-done pyromaniac one-shots with some great characterisation. Vash has an evil twist to all his work that makes them so great.

You have none.

Work on it.

We've given you our opinions and suggestions. Follow them instead of continually posting more of your substandard work.

Zoken
04-09-2007, 02:30 AM
In response to Xiph

You do realize that by insulting and degrading me, you don't actually make yourself any better?

Constructive parts of what you said that I will endevor to improve....

Spelling. I've always had shit spelling. I'm sorry.
Sentence structure. I was actually trying to make it less mundane by using abnormal sentance structure. but if the simplest person can't follow I guess that defeats the purpose.
Omitting words. I chalk that up more to my ADD than to sentence structure.

So, with those notes assimilated, I invite you to sit down and knock back a frothy mug of Shut The Hell Up, Irish Brew

In response to Maltese Falcon

...
...

Spacks
04-09-2007, 02:32 AM
I invite you to grab a knife and apply it to your wrists.

http://www.forumspile.com/Die-Razor_(Method).jpg

You fail at life.

END IT!

Xiph0
04-09-2007, 02:38 AM
You do realize that by insulting and degrading me, you don't actually make yourself any better?

You do realize that around 9 of us got a great laugh out of that p.o.s you posted, and that by posting it you only make yourself look like a fucking idiot who failed his second language course?

Spelling. I've always had shit spelling. I'm sorry.


Shit spelling and not being able to spell at all is completely different. Fifth graders do better, and you'd do better to repeat the fucking class before publishing shit.

That is what you're doing here. PUBLISHING.

That means more than your mummy has to endure this bullshit.

That means shape it the fuck up because no one wants to have to machete-hack their way through a jungle of shit-ridden pubes.

Omitting words. I chalk that up more to my ADD than to sentence structure.

Uh? This is like a Schizo saying "I'm a Chemist, but I chalk up mixing shit together and taking the fucking building down to my schizo. My bad, can I still collect a paycheck?"

No. You fail. Get the fuck out.


So, with those notes assimilated, I invite you to sit down and knock back a frothy mug of Shut The Hell Up, Irish Brew


Yeah, no.

Sentence structure. I was actually trying to make it less mundane by using abnormal sentance structure. but if the simplest person can't follow I guess that defeats the purpose.

For you, and GERGE, I'll put this as clearly as I possibly can:

GRAMMAR WAS FORMED OUT OF LOGIC.

GRAMMAR COMES FROM WHAT SOUNDS NATURAL.

TAKING LIBERTIES MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE A DIPSHIT, NOT AN ARTIST.

Now GTFO and move away from the keyboard.

DGD
04-09-2007, 02:38 AM
I can understand that you were confused by Shezza's review, and unable to understand. Obviously a well written piece of criticism with a a bit less flaming leaves you retort-less.

Post all the shit you want, we won't be reading.

Zoken
04-09-2007, 03:09 AM
Excuse me Mr. Moderator, can I ask you how exactly comments from Xiph, Spacks, and yourself are not in violation of the rules of this site, which specifically state that flaming is not allowed?

Shezza
04-09-2007, 03:17 AM
I don't think that it's counted as flaming if you're told something politely at least six times and you still don't listen. And don't try to be a wisearse...it's not a good career choice here in these forums unless you're really good at it.

Zoken
04-09-2007, 03:19 AM
Don't try to be a wise-ass? Everyone here is. and I'm sorry but encouraging someone to commit suicide is a flame. he mentioned nothing about the story, he just told me to kill myself. that's a flame. I didn't mention your name because you were polite and never acted like you were superior... just those other writers.

Darius
04-09-2007, 03:21 AM
Excuse me Mr. Moderator, can I ask you how exactly comments from Xiph, Spacks, and yourself are not in violation of the rules of this site, which specifically state that flaming is not allowed?

Because they make exceptions for people such as your self.

You know the type, the type that won't Shut the fuck up, and just bitches about how people are flaming then when maybe that time could be spent fixing their writing. Yeah, those types.

Zoken
04-09-2007, 03:22 AM
So rules should only be enforced for the well liked... interesting view of society. immature, but interesting.

Darius
04-09-2007, 03:27 AM
So rules should only be enforced for the well liked... interesting view of society. immature, but interesting.

Please, take a good look around the site, you'll see how much flaming goes on. You are obviously too wrapped in your little bitchfit and wondering why everyone is bullying you to realize that it's a common occurrence around here.

But go ahead, keep making more uninformed statements, really, it makes your arguments seem much more valid.

Zoken
04-09-2007, 03:30 AM
So the rules are only inforced on the unliked. is that how it works? I keep asking you questions and you never seem to answer them. Why is that?

Darius
04-09-2007, 03:32 AM
So the rules are only inforced on the unliked. is that how it works? I keep asking you questions and you never seem to answer them. Why is that?

And I asked you to take a look around the board, had you done that your question would have been answered quite sufficiently.

Nothing like quoting yourself though.

But go ahead, keep making more uninformed statements, really, it makes your arguments seem much more valid.

Zoken
04-09-2007, 03:34 AM
Sadly, that's an argument I may be losing, so I'll ask this: Did you read the story?

Shezza
04-09-2007, 03:34 AM
Er...one, it's enforced, not inforced.

Two: We are who we are. We have some very....mean....people here. Deal with it. And stop flame-baiting unless you want to get burned.

Three: As I said before, you were politely told in your earlier posts that you needed to work on your stories yet you continued to bring up new ones without any changes. To the people who took the time to say what was wrong with your stories, that was an insult.

At DLP, we accept only a high quality of stories. Have you seen the Review Section? It's fairly recent when compared to the age of the site, because everybody was sick of crap making its way into the library. I'm sorry to say that your stories aren't in the "High-quality" section.

Darius
04-09-2007, 03:35 AM
Sadly, that's an argument I may be losing
http://www.acc.umu.se/~zqad/cats/1166518423-suitcat.b.jpg

No, I'm actually in the midst of finishing a chapter but I'll read it and leave an honest review after. I don't like mincing words so should it not be good, don't expect anything sugar coated.

Zoken
04-09-2007, 03:40 AM
Maltese, why the hell are you the only well mannered person on this damn place?

and it's not enforced it's non-existant. The rules don't apply, flame away, no one cares. Tell people to commit suicide, that's constructive critisism.

When I started recieving negative reviews it was basically telling me the fic was un-salvagable and I tried to remove it. I was accused of throwing a hissy fit. I have recieved the same sorts of reviews to the other fic I posted after that one.

and one last note. you only accept high quality FANFICTION. might just be me, but that sounds like an oxymoron.

Darius
04-09-2007, 03:46 AM
It is just you.

Lol, this thread is tame compared to others, you should see the suicide thread, but I guess you didn't look around first, like I said.

MrINBN
04-09-2007, 03:47 AM
I do believe that's just you. You were accused of throwing a hissy-fit because when you submit something to us for review, we expect you to take your criticisms and reviews like a man. I imagine that if I submitted one of my many crappy works, I'd be flamed. No matter that I'm mostly well-liked here, or that I have tenure. We just don't accept unmitigated crap.

Shezza
04-09-2007, 03:48 AM
Who are you calling an oxymoron, huh? Nah, just kidding.

Seriously, I'm the only nice one because I'm just....nice. Everybody knows it. I mean, c'mon, my nickname is Maltese "Nice Guy" Falcon.

.................Well, it could be!

A word of advice: Stop. Just stop. This will lead nowhere good for you.

Zoken
04-09-2007, 03:49 AM
I'm not pissed because I was flamed, I'm pissed that I was flamed by a mod and it's against the rules to flame.

and as I explained, I removed it because the consensus of those reviews was that the story was beyond fixing and... well, you said it best, unmitigated crap.

Nuhuh
04-09-2007, 03:49 AM
When I started recieving negative reviews it was basically telling me the fic was un-salvagable and I tried to remove it. I was accused of throwing a hissy fit.

Zoken

Enough of this, you've brought this up in three different posts so I'm going to answer it. I didn't accuse you of throwing a hissy fit I told you that you were.

I also very kindly in other venues told you to take the criticism gracefully, which you failed at. But what you have failed at miserably and as Shezza said accurately is respecting the reviews you got. You have not made an iota of an effort to improve your writing, instead you have flooded the board with your sub-par work.

When one reviews a story and the author says thank you I agree with your critique I will change it, you don't expect them to put six other permutations of the same level of work.

Lastly about the hissy fit thing, since you have brought this up three times, shall I post your PM to me in which you admitted to acting like a bitch?

Drop the arrogant martyred crap, you've had reviews from many supportive members of this board and have continued to ignore them.

Dark Syaoran
04-09-2007, 03:56 AM
Okay. Enough of this. Cut the crap, now.

This thread is going in the Hall of Shame. I haven't even started on the other threads yet. Someone is getting banned at the end of all this.

I guarantee it.

http://www.bradgroux.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/12/georgezimmer.jpg