Midknight
12-16-2005, 12:12 AM
Part 1. Part 2 is vid links @ http://darklordpotter.net/forums/viewtopic.php?p=24176#24176
-A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
Wow," says the barkeep., "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep., "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
6. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
---------------------------
A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but youve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30
erections left in your penis."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldnt waste that! We should make a list!"
He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and Im afraid youre name isnt on it."
----------------
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
--------------------------
God sends three guys to hell: an alcoholic, a sex addict, and a pot head.
Satan asks the first guy, "why are you here?" He says, "I'm an alcoholic, I just cant quit drinking! I love alcohol too much!" Satan says, "okay, follow me." He opens a door and inside is a huge room full of alcohol - all kinds of beer, liquor, wine. He says, "Stay in this room and I'll come back for you in a hundred years."
The alcoholic runs into the room and starts drinking everything he can get his hands on --- Satan shuts the door and locks it.
He goes to the next guy, "what's your problem?" The sex addict replies, "I love sex! I just can't get enough of it!" Satan thinks about it and then brings him to another room filled with beautiful, sexy women. The guy runs in and starts having sex. Satan tells him he'll be back in one hundred years, shuts the door and locks it.
He asks the pot head, "why are you here?" He says, "I can't stop smoking weed. I'm addicted to marijuana!" Satan says okay, brings him to a room filled with all kinds of marijuana, cannabis, weed --- plants everywhere with huge buds, joints, bongs, pipes, etc. The guy goes into the room and starts running through all the weed. Satan shuts the door and locks it.
One hundred years later, Satan comes back to the three rooms. He opens the first door and the alcoholic is lying in a pool of alcohol and his own vomit. He tells Satan that he'll never drink again. Satan says, "okay, you've learned your lesson" and sends him back to earth.
Satan goes to the next door and opens it. The sex addict comes running out the room screaming, "I'm gay! I'm gay!" Satan sends him back to earth.
He goes to the next door and inside the pot head is sitting on the floor with marijuana around him. He looks at Satan with a tear in his eye and says, "Hey man, you got a lighter?"
------------------------------------
8 year old Cindy was never the brightest girl in Sunday school because she always fell asleep.
One day while in Sunday school the teacher asked Cindy a question," Who died to save us for all of our sins?' Cindy was asleep.
A student named Tommy came to her rescue by poking her in the behind with a pen. She yelled," JESUS CHRIST!!!"
The teacher said," That's correct." Puzzled, Cindy went back to sleep.
A few minutes later, the teacher asked her another question, " Who create the heavens and the Earth?" Again Cindy was asleep and again Tommy came to her rescue by poking her with the pen again," GOD ALMIGHTY!!!"
The teacher said once more," Very good Cindy." Cindy fell back to sleep again.
A while later the teacher asked another question," What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?"
Tommy poked her one more time but this time Cindy jumped up, snatched the pencil away, and said" IF YOU POKE THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!"
The teacher fainted.
-----------
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
--------------------------------------
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London, one took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up" said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
--------------------------
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
--------------------------
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done
-A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
Wow," says the barkeep., "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep., "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
6. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
---------------------------
A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but youve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30
erections left in your penis."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldnt waste that! We should make a list!"
He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and Im afraid youre name isnt on it."
----------------
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
--------------------------
God sends three guys to hell: an alcoholic, a sex addict, and a pot head.
Satan asks the first guy, "why are you here?" He says, "I'm an alcoholic, I just cant quit drinking! I love alcohol too much!" Satan says, "okay, follow me." He opens a door and inside is a huge room full of alcohol - all kinds of beer, liquor, wine. He says, "Stay in this room and I'll come back for you in a hundred years."
The alcoholic runs into the room and starts drinking everything he can get his hands on --- Satan shuts the door and locks it.
He goes to the next guy, "what's your problem?" The sex addict replies, "I love sex! I just can't get enough of it!" Satan thinks about it and then brings him to another room filled with beautiful, sexy women. The guy runs in and starts having sex. Satan tells him he'll be back in one hundred years, shuts the door and locks it.
He asks the pot head, "why are you here?" He says, "I can't stop smoking weed. I'm addicted to marijuana!" Satan says okay, brings him to a room filled with all kinds of marijuana, cannabis, weed --- plants everywhere with huge buds, joints, bongs, pipes, etc. The guy goes into the room and starts running through all the weed. Satan shuts the door and locks it.
One hundred years later, Satan comes back to the three rooms. He opens the first door and the alcoholic is lying in a pool of alcohol and his own vomit. He tells Satan that he'll never drink again. Satan says, "okay, you've learned your lesson" and sends him back to earth.
Satan goes to the next door and opens it. The sex addict comes running out the room screaming, "I'm gay! I'm gay!" Satan sends him back to earth.
He goes to the next door and inside the pot head is sitting on the floor with marijuana around him. He looks at Satan with a tear in his eye and says, "Hey man, you got a lighter?"
------------------------------------
8 year old Cindy was never the brightest girl in Sunday school because she always fell asleep.
One day while in Sunday school the teacher asked Cindy a question," Who died to save us for all of our sins?' Cindy was asleep.
A student named Tommy came to her rescue by poking her in the behind with a pen. She yelled," JESUS CHRIST!!!"
The teacher said," That's correct." Puzzled, Cindy went back to sleep.
A few minutes later, the teacher asked her another question, " Who create the heavens and the Earth?" Again Cindy was asleep and again Tommy came to her rescue by poking her with the pen again," GOD ALMIGHTY!!!"
The teacher said once more," Very good Cindy." Cindy fell back to sleep again.
A while later the teacher asked another question," What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?"
Tommy poked her one more time but this time Cindy jumped up, snatched the pencil away, and said" IF YOU POKE THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!"
The teacher fainted.
-----------
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
--------------------------------------
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London, one took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up" said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
--------------------------
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
--------------------------
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done