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Jormungandr
06-20-2012, 05:37 PM
@Sesc: I disliked many things about that story, but the plot aspect that veela are...well, you know, appeals to me.

Makes me want to get cracking on that stalker/rapist!Fleur one-shot. :)

dmacx
06-24-2012, 05:31 PM
That was the whole reason I bailed on the story in the first place. JD, JR, or JS whatever he's called was so incredibly awesome especially at the trial. I had to skip virtually the entire chapter, and then he was pretty awesome afterward as well. This is another story I really wanted to enjoy, but was constantly bludgeoned about the head and shoulders with the utter dullness and awesomeness. Maybe if Harry and JS/JR/JD hooked up... nah. :sherlock:

For a supposedly Indy!Harry story, Harry was a major doormat up until much later in the story.

When Sirius is explaining to Harry that he just decided all on his own to hook Harry up with Fleur without so much as a 'by your leave', Harry just basically says 'don't do that shit again'. Hell, even Canon!Harry would have had a bigger reaction than that.

It's like JS got so much of the awesome, that there wasn't any left over for anyone else. It doesn't help that JS promised Dumbledore that he'd keep the prophecy from Harry after promising Harry and Fleur a few chapters earlier that he wouldn't keep anything from them :rolleyes:

I'm sure that when it's finally revealed that JS kept it from them, Harry and Fleur's response will be 'don't do that shit again', followed by instant forgiveness.

Trig
06-24-2012, 07:44 PM
I've been following three new H/F stories recently, so I thought I might as well share them here:

Pardon My French (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7975151/1/) by Lyrical Ballads
Post Hogwarts, humorous and looks like it's going to be an affair. Percy's campaign made me laugh :D

A Debt (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7350679/1/) by desiwizard
GoF, Harry is more mature than in canon and this author has a pretty good handle on romance, i.e. non of this sappy bullshit that's usually present in these stories. I really liked most of the conversations between Harry and Fleur.

His Angel (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8135514/1/) by durararaaa
This is one of those pretty generic GoF fics, lots of fluff, Fleur seems somewhat weak but the author mentioned that he's going to change that. Barely readable time-waster I suppose.

Taure
06-24-2012, 08:26 PM
A Debt by desiwizard
GoF, Harry is more mature than in canon and this author has a pretty good handle on romance, i.e. non of this sappy bullshit that's usually present in these stories. I really liked most of the conversations between Harry and Fleur.

That's some pretty lulzy smut right there. My personal favourite:

Since he was still a smaller teen than her so his mouth was smaller which gave her a full access to his mouth, she skillfully skimmed over his molars and gums trying to map a picture in her mind all the while battling with his amateur tongue.


Fleur wants to be a dentist.

Though this is also up there:

Harry though absolutely loving the situation but his inner gryffindor was roaring for him to gain his virile right of having the upper hand.

His virile right, lol. Wtf. This shit is gold. Every sentence is completely absurd.

Sesc
06-24-2012, 09:33 PM
I love how this apparently constitutes as 'having a good handle on romance', according to the author.

Edit: Or wait, that was your comment, Trig? For shame :p

Jormungandr
06-24-2012, 09:34 PM
Virile right hand?

Does that mean his marriage to Ginny is a bit...you know, dead?

She is ginger, after all.

redshell
06-24-2012, 09:46 PM
Virile right hand?

Does that mean his marriage to Ginny is a bit...you know, dead?

She is ginger, after all.

If you lay with the red-headed wench, expect any children she bears you to share her hair and her lack of soul.

Trig
06-24-2012, 09:56 PM
I love how this apparently constitutes as 'having a good handle on romance', according to the author.

Compared to the usual FFN stuff, yes. I'm referring to the fact that they actually get to know each other, have meaningful conversations that aren't full of lovey-dovey shit and so on.

Sure, as it is this isn't even good enough for almost recommendable and the romance is nothing compared to what most DLP authors churn out, but at least this story doesn't make me think that it's written by a 14 year old girl sitting in a tub full of rainbow-colored teddybear-vomit.

Taure
06-24-2012, 10:01 PM
Yeah, it's written by a horny 14 year old boy sitting in a tub full of his own semen.

T3t
06-25-2012, 12:44 AM
The simple kiss slowly turned into a steamy fight over control of each other's lips accompanied the very horny smacking sound of lips hitting and sucking each other.

...what is this I don't even

Silens Cursor
06-25-2012, 01:18 AM
That is truly awful romance. At some point I'm going to start a thread where I write a dissertation on why most fanfic smut blows (pun intended), but some of that stuff is awe-inspiringly bad.

Sometimes it makes me wish that somebody could remind people how to write good smut (http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?p=573334#post573334) nowadays.

The Wizard
06-25-2012, 01:45 AM
The force of a starving wolf.

LOL.

Tasoli
06-25-2012, 10:40 AM
Pardon My French (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7975151/1/) by Lyrical Ballads

This one pretty awesome. I laughed at some parts.

Too short to rate tough. For now at least.

Taure
06-25-2012, 04:19 PM
Well written, adult topic yet lighthearted, great tone and character voice, an absence of fanboyism, good comedic parts with Percy.

Library worthy if it continues along the same lines.

Don E. Delivery
06-27-2012, 11:18 AM
Well written, adult topic yet lighthearted, great tone and character voice, an absence of fanboyism, good comedic parts with Percy.

Library worthy if it continues along the same lines.

Harry reminded himself to never tell Percy any legitimate secrets, ever. It was a good thing Percy didn't know the real reason Harry was alone with Fleur, or else the entire Weasley family would know before the picnic was over. Harry could just imagine Percy tittering in that cringe-worthy way of his, like he had just learned how to laugh from the most rubbish teacher on earth, and saying, "Do be careful now, Harry. You don't want your lips to stray into claimed territory, do you?" Or "Harry, you haven't behaved improperly with anyone's wife lately, have you? Oh, you haven't? Good, good. I'm exceedingly proud of you."

I couldn't help it - I lolled.

Honestly, I feel like I wrote this fic, its got my style written all over it. Babes loving on Harry and fighting over him? Check. Good Harry slowly becoming bad without trying to? Check. I approve.

I could see this story going somewhere, though I'm a little peeved it has more reviews now than We'll All Fall... which is more than twice the size and humor. Meh.

Republic
06-27-2012, 11:22 AM
I could see this story going somewhere, though I'm a little peeved it has more reviews now than We'll All Fall... which is more than twice the size and humor. Meh.
Maybe some healthy competition is what you need to start writing again, eh?

Don E. Delivery
06-27-2012, 11:32 AM
C'mon, son... I never stopped writing. I just had to do the Anthology first. And write some songs. And a Dobby!centric one-shot. And something about crabs invading from another universe.

And...

twins.

Jormungandr
06-27-2012, 11:36 AM
There had better be chocolate sauce, two pairs of identical tits, and a very happy Harry involved, Averis. :)

EDIT: you know, I don't think I've ever seen a fic' with Fleur being a twin?

"Wait," Harry said slowly, his eyes slowly shifting back and forth between the two identical blondes, "you're saying that you've both been playing me at the same time?"

"Oui," Fleur's sister said quietly, her eyes not meeting his own.

"You must understand, Harry," Fleur -the real Fleur - said softly, "that we didn't mean to hurt you - we both have fallen for you."

For a few moments, Harry was silent. He was biting his lip, and his brow was furrowed; Fleur was worried that he was going to lose his tempter.

To their suprise, however, he finally smiled.

"So," he said, suddenly sounding oddly shy, "who did I lose my virginity to?"

Fleur's head whipped around so fast her neck cracked; she looked so...betrayed. "I thought," she began angrily, "that we were going do it with him together!"

Harry's eyes widened.

Emmers
06-29-2012, 02:33 AM
I found this thread while I was searching for some good Harry and Fleur fics to read and decided to join lol. To contribute, I found that His Angel (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8135514/1/His_Angel) by durararaaa is actually pretty good. It's worth checking out. The later chapters bring about so many improvements. Another one that's quite good is Blinded (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6468629/1/Blinded) by MWO. It's pretty unique. Both these stories were updated recently so they look like they'll keep going.

Rin
07-01-2012, 01:43 AM
I found this thread while I was searching for some good Harry and Fleur fics to read and decided to join lol. To contribute, I found that His Angel (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8135514/1/His_Angel) by durararaaa is actually pretty good. It's worth checking out. The later chapters bring about so many improvements. Another one that's quite good is Blinded (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6468629/1/Blinded) by MWO. It's pretty unique. Both these stories were updated recently so they look like they'll keep going.

I couldn't get past the first few paragraphs of Blinded. To be honest, the title alone told me everything I needed to know, but I gave it a try anyway.

"Double duo!" They called back. Ever since Ron and Harry had a dispute there friendship had fallen apart after there adventure into the Chamber of Secrets. Since then Harry started calling the Fred and George Twins and they had called Harry and Hermione the Double Duo. They said it was way better then the Golden Trio as it sounded to goody goody to them.Is this expounded upon? Otherwise, it's one tremendously titanic telling, a vast violation of the "show, don't tell" rule at the heart of all good fiction. What it sounds like, instead, is the author hates Ron and needs an excuse to bash him, but can't be bothered to actually depict a deteriorating relationship between Ron and Harry--a Ron the life of whose sister Harry heroically saved.

Most people assumed that when Harry Potter was blind that his vision was only black. Idiots.Why are they idiots? Ignorant, maybe, but I can hardly fault the general masses for not being on the up and up when it comes to all the various shades of gray between perfect 20/20 vision and complete and utter lack of sight. Neither should Harry.

After when Fawkes was unable to cure him Hermione helped him research the types of blindnesses in both the muggle and wizarding world.Oh dear . . . here comes the comes the sociology lecture. Let me grab a pillow and wake me up when the author deigns to get back to writing a story again.

Never did he regret saving Ginny and turning in Lockart as well as stopping the diary of Tom Marvolo Riddle who was actually Lord Voldemort. The only thing he hated was how people acted around him as if he was delicate.I have a feeling that in reality they're just taking into account that this little kid has said he's blind, so they're trying to make his life not-as-hard-as-it-could-be-if-they-continued-expecting-him-to-live-as-if-he-had-no-vision-impairment-whatsoever. But it's probably just the persecution-complex that this Harry was given by the author.

The moment he returned from Hogwarts he met a new neighbor Mr. Chi. The older Japanese man had lunch with him the following day and then offered to help out Harry with training his senses He trained Harry physically and mentality.And that's where I stopped reading--for more than one reason, too. (1) Where was this Mr. Chi in canon? AUs are fine and all, but this isn't really one, is it? It's just Harry going blind in the CoS. Whilst the butterfly-effect can create some rather wildly radical results far down the road, it stretches incredulity to think that being blinded in the CoS would cause Harry and Ron to have a falling out, and that Wise!Honolabre!Asian!Old-Man!Stereotype would feel compelled to move to Little Winging. (2) Old Japanese man. I live in Japan, I love Japan, and I'm a big anime fan, but I side with Jormungandr when it comes to HP Fanfic: keep that Jap-Crap out of it. Not because I feel them inherently incompatible, but because it's almost never done well, much less done not-badly. See Darksyaoran's Fictional for an exception. (3) Chi, though it is technically a legitimate surname in Japan, strikes me more as a Chinese name than a Japanese one. The author should have gone with a much more common name. In order of frequency, slightly more than 30% of all Japanese people have one of the following names: Satou, Suzuki, Takahashi, Tanaka, Watanabe, Itou, Yamamoto, Nakamura, Ohayashi, Kobayashi, Katou, Kichida, Yoshida, Yamada, Sasaki, Yamaguchi, Matsumoto, Ine, Inoue, Saitou, Kimura, Hayashi, Rin, Kiyomizu, Shimizu, Yamasaki, Ikeda, Abe, Mori, Hashimoto, Yamashita, Ishikawa, Nakashima, Maeda, Fujita, Ogawa, or Kokawa. This list was the result of a 5 second google search (http://www.japanese-name-translation.com/site/top500_Japanese_family_names.xls).

The Wizard
07-01-2012, 03:06 PM
You should read some of the smut, Rin. Lulz abound.

A teaser:

His thumbs softly stroked her cheeks, as he leaned in closer to her leaning there foreheads against one another. "Fleur Isabella Delacour, I love you, I-" Harry was cut off as she kissed him, hard. Her soft sweet lips moved frantically over his molding, tasting, reveling in him. Harry felt her tongue sweep into his mouth as he moaned in pleasure. Her hot sweet tongue moved tangling with his tasting each other, as her hands tangled in his hair pulling them closer. When they finally had to separate Fleur kissed his scar before her wonderful hot tongue came out tracing it making him a strangled groan come out.

"Fleur what-" Harry was cut off as she softly kissed his lips savoring his taste before softly pulling away.

" 'Arry," her voice was thick with emotion. "I want you, I meant for us to spend a nice evening together with some blankets, but now zer iz nothing more zen to make love to you, please 'Arry make love to me." Fleur said her voice raw and husky as she stared into his deep green eyes, shivering as they darkened.

"I want to, god I want to Fleur but we don't have protection and the contrastive spell isn't fully guaranteed." Harry said breathing heavily his body thrumming with want and desire. God did he want her.

Republic
07-01-2012, 03:26 PM
Yes, because that's exactly what anyone in that situation would do or say :P Wow. Makes other horrible Gary Stu fics look almost good in comparison.
But hey, isn't he supposed to be blind? Maybe that's why.

Fatality
07-02-2012, 01:32 AM
I lost it at 'contrastive spell'. Seriously bad - so happy I never read that now.

Churchey
07-02-2012, 02:13 AM
"God I'm so hot for you...let me kiss your scar."
And that is exactly how it would go down.

Rin
07-02-2012, 05:18 AM
You should read some of the smut, Rin. Lulz abound.

A teaser:

I can actually picture Fleur deadpanning and then punching him in the nose.

Here's another thing to think about: Harry being blind takes all the point out of Harry fucking Fleur.

It's one thing to have them not be able to see on another to develop their relationship (A la my penpal idea), but once they get together, Harry should be able to enjoy the view, so to speak.

Oh wait, he's not really blind in that story, is he. He can see shapes and shades of grey. My bad.

knight504
07-02-2012, 05:38 AM
Fifty of them, in fact. It's all kinds of sexy.

redshell
07-02-2012, 01:44 PM
~snip~

Someone's never seen The Scent Of A Woman.

Castiel
07-02-2012, 02:11 PM
Fifty of them, in fact. It's all kinds of sexy.

I probably shouldn't be doing this but... I don't get it? :|

Celestin
07-02-2012, 02:18 PM
I probably shouldn't be doing this but... I don't get it? :|

Good advice, run before someone explains it to you.

I said - RUN!

knight504
07-02-2012, 04:08 PM
I probably shouldn't be doing this but... I don't get it? :|
I feel like a bad person for linking this. (http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=21834)

So I'll try and make up for it with this. (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c82_1337349279)

E. C. Scrubb
08-07-2012, 04:44 PM
EDIT:

Damn.

Even clicked the box saying that I agree it was a necropost before I actually realized the last post in this thread was over thirty days old. My post wasn't worth necroposting.

Mea Culpa. . .

EDIT 2: after TMNturtwig- post... dammit twice - he has a good point.

So. . . .

I found this thread while I was searching for some good Harry and Fleur fics to read and decided to join lol. To contribute, I found that His Angel by durararaaa is actually pretty good. It's worth checking out. The later chapters bring about so many improvements. Another one that's quite good is Blinded by MWO. It's pretty unique. Both these stories were updated recently so they look like they'll keep going.

I started reading this fic, but had to stop after the third chapter. I don't know what bothered me the most, the run-on sentences, the "Harry is the bestest and the only man that ever treated Fleur right" cliche, the Mary and Gary stu parents of Fleur, the Ron bashing, or the lack of punctuation.

There are some things that are okay, and if the writing gets better in the next couple of chapters, I'd be willing to push through. Those of you who've read it, does the writing get any better?

TMNTurtwig
08-07-2012, 04:53 PM
Well it certainly wasn't worth a necropost after you edited it all out.

Lungs
01-07-2013, 02:41 AM
I'm resurrecting this thread because I don't know how many people care about it on the Plot Bunny thread. I'd very much like some ideas on characterization, etc. If they're better thought out than my views, I'm happy to change my notes, and I'm sure CrackedMind would be happy to change his as well (this is a collab fic).

Her name means Flower of the Court.

She's cited as literally the most beautiful girl in canon and marries Bill Weasley (https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?p=397410#post397410).

She's skilled enough to be, bar none, the most skilled competitor in a magical school which is, at the very least, seen as equal to Hogwarts and Durmstrang.

So me and CrackedMind decided that Fleur Delacour's the closest thing to a Bond girl (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bond_girl) that exists in Harry Potter.

So we present to you a joint idea that we'll probably write together, for both critique and changes. :3

Fic Title to be Determined - Hopefully with your help (yes, you, reading this)

The International Confederation of Wizards is in chaos.

The Supreme Mugwump, Albus Dumbledore, has died - killed by Death Eaters, his own clumsiness on the Astronomy Tower of Hogwarts, or even Harry Potter, depending on who you ask.

All across the world, wizardingfolk are panicking as the most unquestionably powerful wizard in the world, who spent the schoolyear running Hogwarts and the summers putting down Dark Wizards in droves, leaves a vacuum for petty criminals and Dark Lords alike to seize power.

Once upon a time, if there was a problem that your Aurors couldn't fix, Albus Dumbledore would show up in the atrium of your Ministry, locate the source, capture the right man and leave them to die in Nurmengard. This has been the case since 1945, allowing your citizens to sleep peacefully. Ironically, the only problem he hadn't been capable of solving was homegrown, but a certain Boy-Who-Lived put a stop to that within a decade simply by being born.

As the majority of the world mourns the passing of a man who had provided them with a half-century aegis, those who cowered in the shadows have exposed themselves once more.

Today is July 7th, 1997. Dumbledore's corpse has barely had time to cool. A young, angry Harry Potter sits at home, toying with a wand he isn't allowed to use. A beautiful, half-Veela Fleur Delacour is frantically memorizing scores of household charms to impress her soon-to-be family-in-law.

Seven owls leave the Department of Magical Law Enforcement with no trace of bowdlerization or politics. These are recruitment letters, plain and simple, describing the situation the world is in. Each person has been given the rendezvous point and their first briefing. There is no record of them.

Within ten minutes, a singular green curse leaves the wand of Lucius Malfoy and reaches the central mass of Auror Gawain Robards, who expires immediately, taking his secrets to the grave.

At the rendezvous point, two days later, a bunch of scared teenagers, a bride-to-be and a hook nosed Potions Professor exchange curses for eight minutes and seven seconds before they reach a standoff and begin to discuss the contents of their respective letters.

There's no question about it. Their handler has met an untimely end. How will they proceed?

Deadsomeone
01-07-2013, 03:27 AM
Holy Shit Balls! The potential I feel in this is awesome. I'll add some more later today, after I get back from school. Who could the others be? Hmmm....

Lungs
01-07-2013, 03:29 AM
The others haven't been determined yet - just Snape, Harry and Fleur at the moment.

This post has been updated with a notestream from me https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showpost.php?p=608761&postcount=670

I'll probably make a DLPgroup or a google doc at some point, but I want feedback more than I want exclusivity at this point.

Republic
01-07-2013, 03:45 AM
Frankly, from your description I‘d like to read more about your Dumbledore than Harry. It‘s interesting, sure, but needs more plot than the premise of the first few chapters.

Lungs
01-07-2013, 03:54 AM
I'm certainly assuming that there will be pensieve memories of Dumbledore's more important battles. But it's not really fun to watch and old man blow doors down and tie people up in flashes of light, honestly.

The plot's being hashed, the briefings are being created, etc. This isn't a huge work in terms of planning, but it's pretty damn medium-big, I think.

Zeelthor
01-07-2013, 04:51 AM
Seems to me you should get as many people that annoy each other in there as possible. Hermione, perhaps?

Lungs
01-07-2013, 05:07 AM
I'm not quite sure I want to use Hermione because I want to write about how Harry feels bad for keeping his secret life away from his best friends. >_>

Republic
01-07-2013, 06:05 AM
Keep Hermione the fuck away please.
That said, who invited these people? The ICW, the ministry, or something else?

The Wizard
01-07-2013, 06:10 AM
The man with the elder wand.

Voldemort's third nipple.

Zeelthor
01-07-2013, 07:20 AM
What's up with the Hermione hate? Makes sense, though. How about Luna?

Lungs
01-07-2013, 07:46 AM
Can everyone read the note stream in the post I linked first? I'll even quote it if it makes it easier D:

The Wizard
01-07-2013, 07:51 AM
wtf is a notestream?

Thyestean
01-07-2013, 09:38 AM
- Harry Potter and his nearly insane ability to survive, as well as a potential that hints at something far greater. (a huge challenge would be to turn Harry into a secret agent. He kind of sucks at being secretive, though he's certainly pretty good at disappearing.)

Made me think of Get Smart, which would pretty cool, but probably not the vibe your going for with this fic.

The Horcrux Hunt with people. I'm not sure how to deal with Ron and Hermione, but perhaps Harry must go undercover for the first time? Perhaps Snape will go with them? I don't want to change the Horcrux objects or location from canon, I just want them to be dealt with differently - i.e. with more people to plan, or even just Snape. I will reiterate at some point, there will not be any character bashing of Ron or Hermione (as it's really easy to just use that to gloss over the human dynamic in this section).

Other than killing them, locking out Ron and Hermione from the story would be hard. It would be easier to minimize their interaction in the story. Have Hermione go undercover in the department of mysteries, feeding info to the gang or if you want a James Bond type vibe, make her M and give them awesome shit.

Ron...Uh...Have him go with Bill and die in a blaze of glory. Or he could spend the majority of the story smuggling his family out of Britain or laying low.

Another possible avenue is you have Bill and Ron join the group so you have two more than you wanted, and then kill them off during one of the Horcrux tasks or fleeing. Since you wanted him to go down like a boss, having him sacrifice himself at the cave horcrux for example would work. The boat is smashed, inferi are swarming and it is up to Bill to bulid a bridge with dead corpses.

Tasoli
01-07-2013, 09:40 AM
Tonks we need more Tonkses.

Thaumologist
01-07-2013, 09:53 AM
If you want Bill dead, and want to minimize Ron and Hermione, have Bill be one of the other recruits.

He got headhunted (not literally) out of Hogwarts. By Gringotts.

He's powerful, reasonably well connected, and well trained.

Unfortunately, it isn't enough. On the first mission, he dies. Harry tries to apologise, but mucks it up, and he says it was his fault Bill is dead. Ron is, understandably, upset.

KGB
01-07-2013, 10:10 AM
wtf is a notestream?

This (https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showpost.php?p=608761&postcount=670) is the notestream.



First thing that comes to mind reading this: Why do the rest of the spots have to be filled by schoolchildren? Harry makes sense, through being Harry Potter, but there must be better candidates that an auror can come up with. Someone mentioned Tonks. That would make sense as a choice by an auror. A promising cadet making her way through the academy, born with one of the greatest gifts that a spy could ask for.

As for Ron and Hermione. Have Harry do what he intended to do in canon anyways and just ditch them. Now he has a full group of people willing to help him, after the initial fireworks of course, so he can justify it to himself with minimal effort.

thejabber27
01-07-2013, 10:35 AM
Since you're having Fleur being recruited by the british ministry you need the whole thing to be an international affair. Readers seem to like anything with the Library of Alexandria and you can set up clues in England, France, and some other place conquered by the roman empire. Nix the horcruxes and go for a doomsday device (probably a plague). You could call it Written on Papyrus or In her Majesty's Magical Service or my personal favorite Petals of a Flower.

Perspicacity
01-07-2013, 11:37 AM
@Lungs: Interesting, but some unanswered questions:

Whose agency is this? The ICW's? The Ministry's? A third party's? This matters in terms of determining jurisdiction, recruitment pool, scope of activities, legality (or extralegality), etc. An international body would probably have international recruitment; a Ministry one would probably limit themselves to those in the county and (likely) citizens.

What's Dumbledore's angle that makes him the Winston Wolfe of the Magical world? Influence? Connections? The comprehensiveness of his database? Magical ability? Dueling badassery? His gadget collection? Phoenix travel? Once you answer what, exactly, you seek to recreate with this group, you'll be able to fill out your recruitment pool sensibly.

Do you really need to start from scratch, that there's no continuity with the prior org? For purposes of efficiency, one would expect Dumbledore to have had a support network with him acting as the operational arm. Is it truly necessary to start from scratch? Even Bond had his Ms. Moneypenny.

Why would the recruits be so naive as to believe a letter and actually show up? Harry would obviously assume it's a Death Eater trap, Snape would interpret it as a ploy by the Ministry to capture him, etc. This would have to be explained satisfactorily.

Celestin
01-07-2013, 11:55 AM
What's Dumbledore's angle that makes him the Winston Wolfe of the Magical world? Influence? Connections? The comprehensiveness of his database? Magical ability? Dueling badassery? His gadget collection? Phoenix travel? Once you answer what exactly, you seek to recreate with this group, you'll be able to fill out your recruitment pool sensibly.

There is an interesting angle in looking how the whole group is suppose to replace Dumbledore. Albus was one man army and his replacements represents one exceptional attribute he had.

Something like:
Snape - a magical ability.
Potter - a public influence.
Zabini's Mother- a political influence in behind the scenes dealings.
Tonks - a dueling badassery.

Don E. Delivery
01-07-2013, 12:03 PM
Switch Tonks' dueling with Snape's magical ability and I think you're on to something. Tonks was a decent dueler, but has an almost unheard of magical trait you're born with. Snape could fight off pretty much everyone except for maybe Dumbledore and Voldemort.

Celestin
01-07-2013, 12:38 PM
Switch Tonks' dueling with Snape's magical ability and I think you're on to something. Tonks was a decent dueler, but has an almost unheard of magical trait you're born with. Snape could fight off pretty much everyone except for maybe Dumbledore and Voldemort.

But I wanted this Tonks to be a badass dueler instead of being just good enough to be a stepping stone for Harry in his quest to become better dueler than Voldemort.

Besides, I'm not sure to what Albus' ability we could compare Tonks' ability to change her physical appearance.

Thaumologist
01-07-2013, 12:59 PM
His ability to go unseen.

He says, in PS, something along the lines of "A wizard does not always need an invisibility cloak to go unseen, Harry".

And whilst you'd see Tonks (unless she can turn herself invisible), you wouldn't know it was her. And she isn't limited by turning into other people only, like polyjuice would force.

Henry Persico
01-07-2013, 12:59 PM
Besides, I'm not sure to what Albus' ability we could compare Tonks' ability to change her physical appearance.

Twinkling eyes.

I like the plot. I don't like the need for teenagers and Snape. Maybe a Twenty/Thirty something Harry and Fleur would be better, I think. If the idea is merge HP with some Bond badassery you need adults. That and what Pers suggested. Dumbledore being the shield under the magical world hides against Dark Lords feels too Iron Man for me "I successfully magicked world peace, etc"

Thyestean
01-07-2013, 01:35 PM
Dumbledore being the shield under the magical world hides against Dark Lords feels too Iron Man for me "I successfully magicked world peace, etc"

But he is. Oh snap Grindelwald needs stopped, throw Dumbledore at it. Fuck Voldemort is shitting on us, throw Dumbledore at it. But there is a prophecy saying he can't do it. Throw Dumbledore at it anyway. Dumbledore then goes to manipulate everything successfully in order to throw Harry at it.

If there's something strange
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?
Dumbledore

If there's something evil
and it don't look good
Who ya gonna call?
Dumbledore

Lungs
01-07-2013, 02:25 PM
@Lungs: Interesting, but some unanswered questions:

Whose agency is this? The ICW's? The Ministry's? A third party's? This matters in terms of determining jurisdiction, recruitment pool, scope of activities, legality (or extralegality), etc. An international body would probably have international recruitment; a Ministry one would probably limit themselves to those in the county and (likely) citizens.

What's Dumbledore's angle that makes him the Winston Wolfe of the Magical world? Influence? Connections? The comprehensiveness of his database? Magical ability? Dueling badassery? His gadget collection? Phoenix travel? Once you answer what, exactly, you seek to recreate with this group, you'll be able to fill out your recruitment pool sensibly.

Do you really need to start from scratch, that there's no continuity with the prior org? For purposes of efficiency, one would expect Dumbledore to have had a support network with him acting as the operational arm. Is it truly necessary to start from scratch? Even Bond had his Ms. Moneypenny.

Why would the recruits be so naive as to believe a letter and actually show up? Harry would obviously assume it's a Death Eater trap, Snape would interpret it as a ploy by the Ministry to capture him, etc. This would have to be explained satisfactorily.

Hmm, those are great points, actually. I just realized that I'm completely unsure as to how to deal with the recruitment... I do want it to be an English innovation (perhaps somewhere in my subconscious, something is rebelling against the notion of 'backwards' magical Britain and all).

I think that having Dumbledore choose them would be far better - he would certainly have something in mind when he knew he was dying over the course of a year...

Dumbledore had:

- unparalleled dueling ability (literally the best in the world)
- a master's grasp on Mind Magick (which would allow him to just tear information out of people's minds with no lengthy Veritaserum usage or anything of that sort)
- insane cursebreaking abilities (other than being knowledgeable enough to break the most esoteric and dangerous of dark curses, his Phoenix can ignore a large portion of existing wards already)
- alchemy (a mastery of potions far greater than the normal master's which is cross-field)
- the sharpest of minds (Albus Dumbledore is very, very good at simulating the thought of a Dark Lord or a criminal - both due to his exposure to Grindelwald and the use of his pensieve; he knows how criminals think)
- lack of prejudice (he is very, very unafraid to use all it takes for him to do his job. This also means that he keeps on top of muggle innovation and recreating it through magical means, etc)
- connections (he knows everyone, has spies everywhere, and everyone and their grandmother owes him a debt he can call)
- the gadgets, too (aside from the most basic Deluminator, which he can simply lend out to people like its a toy, he has a selection of gadgets he personally invented which have insane uses)

Meanwhile, if there was anything the ministry was truly afraid of in terms of a "Dumbledore's Army" it would be something like this. Something extralegal with all the skills of the old man and none of the benevolence. I guess I really do want them to make nice with the Ministry, but if they're some sort of vigilante group that worms their way into politics and the Ministry over time, that can work too. Snape, being Alan Rickman, can also become Alan Dulles :P

And seeing as the recruits are highly suspicious people who only trusted Dumbledore, this is probably a good edit.

@Celestin:

Harry Potter - Near invulnerability and insanely quick reaction times; magical potential to be the Dark Lord's equal, etc...

Fleur - I don't think it's a stretch for her to excel at mind magic considering she already has the whole Veela thing going for her.

Snape - The closest living human to an alchemist that exists; also, the ability to calculate with the same coldness that Dumbledore had to do for the Greater Good.

The more we throw her about, the more I like

Zabini's Mother - While Fleur might be a bit prettier than anyone who's ever lived or something, she has nothing on the poise and poison that comprises of this woman, even in canon. Maybe one day, Fleur will surpass her, but at the moment, i can't think of a single canonical character who would be better at infiltration through the whole glamorous-sex thing they have going in James Bond. Perhaps you could call her the other Bond girl in HP.

I'm also considering Tonks, and Luna Lovegood...

@Henry Persico: I don't want them to be grown up and experienced. I want a connection to the world we know well and the ability to watch them transition into the legends they'll be. If I wanted that, I'd probably write a serious of oneshots or something.

@Thyestean: I liek yer stylo.

Rhys
01-07-2013, 02:41 PM
I think having Bill join the group and get killed off on a mission is the way to go.

Also, since its a ragtag group constantly suspicious of each other and at each others throats, it would be pretty cool if one of them was actually Voldemort's spy, instead of a fake!spy like we have with Snape. You could even have the spy arrange for Bill to be killed off during the mission (or the spy could be Bill himself!)

Harry, Snape, Fleur, Tonks, Blaise's Mom, and Bill would be six people already. You could probably throw Krum in there if you wanted, since no spy story is complete without at least a token Russian/Eastern European.

Celestin
01-07-2013, 03:02 PM
By they way, you mentioned James Bond, but this setup reminds me more of Impossible Missions Force.

Deadsomeone
01-07-2013, 03:57 PM
I think Rhys is right. With those seven people I believe you have a good solid group, with enough different personalities in it to make good internal conflict and a satisfying resolution when it's over come. Now we have to look at Dumbledore's support network. We can function on the assumption that while he was alive, Dumbledore was able to do all his badass troubleshooting, and keep his support network running by himself. Except for perhaps some small help from external groups for information gathering and someone to specifically keep track of all the files, a Bookkeeper I suppose. Now though, he would need to have left preparations for his work to be continued. Who would he trust enough to do that? Also, that support network would need to grow to be able to help the seven ,new recruits and insure they head to their destinations with all the information and gear they might need to accomplish their mission.

Lungs
01-07-2013, 11:23 PM
As to Bill, that's definitely one of the routes I'm considering heavily.

At the moment, however, I want to show the damage of failing relationships. I want Fleur to fall out of love with Bill and I want to show it as she and Harry become closer. But as I said, this is all subject to criticism and change, ALL of it (other than the most basic premises of the fic).

The more I consider Krum, the more I like him. I don't think Cracked will be adverse to writing Harry, Snape, Fleur, Krum and Zabini's mom. Now I just need the debate and hashing that our forum is famous for to work out the other two :P

And yes, a spy would be fantastic. But with only seven people, it becomes, so-to-speak, the shortest game of mafia ever played. With Snape as cautious as he is and the rest of them as intelligent, with Harry's gut senses and Zabini's mom (who I really don't want to have as a spy because the idea of her along in the later chapters of real spywork especially just makes me grin like an idiot), it seems as though we'd need to use someone really, really damn smart AND someone that develops properly as a spy.

I really don't want to use OCs, by the way, but I think with the way the discussion is progressing, this is a given.

Also, there's the whole Tonks thing which we should probably deal with. Yay or nay?

Rhys
01-08-2013, 03:10 AM
And yes, a spy would be fantastic. But with only seven people, it becomes, so-to-speak, the shortest game of mafia ever played. With Snape as cautious as he is and the rest of them as intelligent, with Harry's gut senses and Zabini's mom (who I really don't want to have as a spy because the idea of her along in the later chapters of real spywork especially just makes me grin like an idiot), it seems as though we'd need to use someone really, really damn smart AND someone that develops properly as a spy.

I think Snape as a triple-agent would be plausible, but yeah, it could be a stretch. Fleur as a spy would be in keeping with her Bond-girlyness (though she'd be less plausible to keep it under wraps.) Also if you really wanted to come out of left field the spy could be Harry himself, possessed by his Horcrux or something, but that's just ridiculous right? :P

Also, there's the whole Tonks thing which we should probably deal with. Yay or nay?

I am pro-Tonks and anti-Luna. Tonks is a trained Auror and has an almost-unique ability which is very useful in covert action, and she already has a lot of canon character traits to draw on. I think she'll basically write herself and easily fit in as a useful and interesting part of the group.

Luna on the other hand is moving in on Harry's territory of being the young kid with potential, and because she doesn't really have useful canon abilities it's going to be hard to present her as being neither useless nor cliche super!Luna. Also, she would be predisposed to defer to Harry, and the rest of the group lacks any similar "friendly" relationships to start off with (if you disinclude Bill.)

Peace
01-08-2013, 04:39 AM
How about the spy being another metamorphmagus who's impersonating Tonks? As for how the group is recruited, how about it being some failsafe that Dumbledore set up in the event of his death with each person being approached in a manner that they will recognise as coming from Dumbledore?

Or, and this is an idea that I quite like, how about Alastor Moody, Dumbledore's chief of operations, recruits and commands the group. He could have access to files Dumbledore has on the people, hell he might have compiled the files and because he's so loyal to him maybe Dumbledore told him about his death so someone could support Snape's claims of innocence when the war ended. His involvement might also solve the issue of who leads the team, though I wouldn't expect his leadership to go unchallenged by Snape and Zabini's mum (does she have a name?).

Bill could be killed when the wedding gets attacked. He goes out in a blaze of glory protecting his new wife.

Thoughts?

---------- Post automerged at 08:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:30 PM ----------

Just to flesh out NotTonks' background a bit you could say that Voldemort recruited her in anticipation of his victory and the resistance that would follow. He replaced Tonks with her when Tonks was in the hospital recovering from the Department of Mysteries fight (this allowed any mistakes she made in the early days to be passed off as side-effects of the injury while Real-Tonks was interrogated for information) and from there she targeted a vulnerable member of the Order (Remus) to get more information and further insinuate herself within the group.

NotTonks is perfectly positioned to introduce fatal suspicion into any group simply by revealing that she's a traitor - who are you going to trust when the spy can look like anyone?

I'm not sure how to explain her not knowing the Secret for Headquarters or her different Patronus. Maybe for Headquarters she doesn't attend meetings because she's on duty at Hogwarts?

DrSarcasm
01-08-2013, 05:44 AM
How about the spy being another metamorphmagus who's impersonating Tonks?

I like this idea. How about you kill two birds with one stone and have the metamorphmagus knock off Bill and take his place? Then depending on how much angst you want to throw in you have the option to have Fleur distancing herself from Bill due to him 'not being the man I fell in Love with!', or having the meta!spy taking advantage of the fact that he's got a hot part-Veela hanging off of him, or even the revenge angle from Fleur when she finds out.

I am also against Luna, and any of the other schoolkids joining in. It takes away from the fact that Harry would be the only one underage that has sufficient skills to actually qualify him to join in.

I second Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody as M. The alliteration's already there!

Lion
01-08-2013, 06:12 AM
I agree that it should be a message from Dumbledore that gets the group together. With a year to die he would have had plenty of time to prepare something that would replace the type of force that he was against dark wizards.

Tonks, or another metamorphmagus disguised as Tonks, being a spy would be pretty badass too. Or if you want the Bond girl thing for Fleur have her be a spy, but one for the French government. Because why should Britain be the only ones with a magical spy force. France sent in Fleur to see what they needed to do to make their own super spy team. That'd be a cool plotline for down the road, classic French vs. Britain. Plus Fleur has to decide who to choose, her country or Harry and the team.

arkkitehti
01-08-2013, 04:02 PM
What if there was an existing organization gathering information while Dumbledore did the actual ass-kicking, but was almost completely wiped out with Dumbledore and Gawain? You could have Dumbledore in the lead (and the organization officially as a part of ICW, but completely under Dumbledore's control as it would be his brainchild), Gawain as second in command and then a larger group of people who do the legwork but don't know each other. That way you'd have a lot of potential recruits in the existing force, but each of them would be the potential mole that got everyone killed, or hiding, afraid for their lives. Or both. That would also cover nicely how Bill got killed.

Gawain would be calling in new people exactly because he doesn't know whom to trust in the existing force (and all of the people with letters would be on Dumbledore's "complete trust" list), but he is killed before they have time to do anything. That way the new group would have the ruins of something previous to build on, but no existing command structure, and operating procedures that wouldn't really be useful without Dumbledore alive. But there would be names of contacts and perhaps some material resources to draw upon.

It would also establish the opposition as a properly dangerous group, if they were able to completely take out a secret organization in days. Canon Voldemort and the Death Eaters are a bit too amateurish to really be a proper villain in a Bond-type story. I would probably also ditch the horcrux hunt for something new, or at least change it to only one heavily guarded object that would need some serious spy-work, firepower and infiltration to get to. Voldemort would probably also need some kind of more clearly defined goal than just world-domination and immortality; maybe he's planning on enslaving all the muggles to create some perverted version of Atlantis or perhaps he is building some kind of magic-amplifying device to put everyone in the world under imperius-curse (which, by the way, might work as a back-story for a Harry Potter meets Matrix fic).

I like the idea of Zabini's mother, but she probably wouldn't be on Dumbledore's list. Why not have a smaller group than seven to come to the first secret meeting, and then have them do more recruiting themselves? Mrs. Zabini could easily be Snape's acquaintance, someone to exchange poison recipes with, maybe under pen names or something (The Black Widow...). If Harry and co. did recruiting themselves you could also work in the exclusion of Ron and Hermione as either Harry's own decision or something that the others force Harry to do.

Other potential people to include in the group could be the Weasley twins as Q-branch, and maybe Remus. A werewolf could have potentially interesting abilities to utilize, and a marauder is always a good thing to have in a spy organization. They could all be Harry's choices for new recruits.

Every Bond-type story is also heavily dependent on locations, so there should be some kind of international quest for the group. So not just boring old Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade, but magical areas of New York, Shanghai, Venice, Moscow...; a magical favela in Rio de Janeiro under tyrannical rule of some drug cartel; a counterfeit expert sailing the Caribbean in his private, fidelius-protected yacht etc. This quest around the world could also serve as practice for Harry, so that he would look good in a tuxedo, know his vodka martinis and be ready to kick ass when the final assault to Voldemort's evil lair happens.

Addarash
01-08-2013, 07:08 PM
Every Bond-type story is also heavily dependent on locations, so there should be some kind of international quest for the group. So not just boring old Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade, but magical areas of New York, Shanghai, Venice, Moscow...; a magical favela in Rio de Janeiro under tyrannical rule of some drug cartel; a counterfeit expert sailing the Caribbean in his private, fidelius-protected yacht etc. This quest around the world could also serve as practice for Harry, so that he would look good in a tuxedo, know his vodka martinis and be ready to kick ass when the final assault to Voldemort's evil lair happens.
I'm not sold on the soundness of this idea, personally. Wouldn't the main focus of the group be to defeat Voldemort and his Horcruxes (unless Lungs actually changes them/their locations, which he stated he'd like to avoid)? Having the group go on some extraneous adventure prior to defeating Voldemort would take away some of the focus of the story imo. If there is a portion of travelling I would say that it either be focused upon for a relatively minimal amount of time or instead relegated to the period after defeating Voldemort (where the group can focus on other, less pressing tasks).

Lungs
01-08-2013, 07:19 PM
I'm not sold on the soundness of this idea, personally. Wouldn't the main focus of the group be to defeat Voldemort and his Horcruxes (unless Lungs actually changes them/their locations, which he stated he'd like to avoid)? Having the group go on some extraneous adventure prior to defeating Voldemort would take away some of the focus of the story imo. If there is a portion of travelling I would say that it either be focused upon for a relatively minimal amount of time or instead relegated to the period after defeating Voldemort (where the group can focus on other, less pressing tasks).

Nono. He's right. The whole point is to bring the sense of the international, the exotic into HP. The whole Horcrux shenanigans are, so-to-speak, the beginnings of this whole affair.

The way I think it's going to be written is around 10 or so chapters (perhaps 5000 word chapters) to each segment.

So the assembling of the original recruits and the defeat of Voldemort would be the first segment... then there will be a slight hiatus in which we'll plan out the storyline of the second segment - the first time that the team ventures outside of Britain to do something.

Obviously, none of them are Dumbledore, so it's not a question of blowing the house of sticks down, but rather of the stuff we really, really want to see - the espionage, the glamor, the sexuality, the James Bond things that's attracted three generations of viewers.

Small missions for them to dip their toes in the water might start happening almost as soon as they get Dumbledore's files and see threats they can actually deal with.

Addarash
01-08-2013, 07:53 PM
Nono. He's right. The whole point is to bring the sense of the international, the exotic into HP. The whole Horcrux shenanigans are, so-to-speak, the beginnings of this whole affair.

The way I think it's going to be written is around 10 or so chapters (perhaps 5000 word chapters) to each segment.

So the assembling of the original recruits and the defeat of Voldemort would be the first segment... then there will be a slight hiatus in which we'll plan out the storyline of the second segment - the first time that the team ventures outside of Britain to do something.

Obviously, none of them are Dumbledore, so it's not a question of blowing the house of sticks down, but rather of the stuff we really, really want to see - the espionage, the glamor, the sexuality, the James Bond things that's attracted three generations of viewers.

Small missions for them to dip their toes in the water might start happening almost as soon as they get Dumbledore's files and see threats they can actually deal with.
Yeah, I was referring to any travelling done before Voldemort got defeated, though judging from your plan it seems like you're doing it after Voldemort which I'm perfectly fine with-I was just leery of the idea of travel and Voldemort getting entangled.

10 chapters (50000 words) might be a bit of a tight fit for the first segment considering that you are having them all getting introduced to each other and Voldemort getting defeated in that one arc, though I suppose it does depend on how easily he is defeated or how much detail you are going to put into Voldemort's loss.

addictedforlife
01-08-2013, 07:53 PM
That's actually what concerns me a little bit about the entire idea, as awesome as it sounds. What is the actual goal, or endpoint of this story? Obviously Voldemort isn't it. Is your intention to go full James Bond style and write completely independent segments (as you said, ca 10 chapters each) only losely connected with each other through some relations that just carry over? Personally, I can see that becoming stale really easy really fast.

Lungs
01-08-2013, 08:01 PM
Well, I think that to people who aren't huge fans of James Bond, seeing the connections between the stories and stuff are a lot more difficult through the movies because they're not even linear by way of time.

This would be a rather linear telling of how they pick up different skills, and we'll probably work out an overarching plot, rather conspiracy like.

That being said, it takes quite a bit of skill to write it and a lot of planning time for it to not be cliche or just plain bad.

edit: 50k words is the general estimate - I'm sure some of the segments will be done in 20-30 thousand, while the beginnings might be closer to 60 or 75.

CrackedMind
01-08-2013, 08:13 PM
I dunno if Lungs agrees with me, but the original discussion kind of stemmed from how Fleur could easily be a "Black Widow" kind of character; killing men and stealing their wealth. I would like to write her as a sociopath; a female Patrick Bateman.

Have her slowly become a serial killer than can't control her tendencies and have the final thing that Harry is tasked with is to end her.

And for me, that'd be the end of the story. Harry giving up his emotions, namely his love for Fleur, and doing what had to be done. And then he's a vaguely similar version to the Craig!Bond: ruthless.

Lungs
01-08-2013, 08:17 PM
I kind of would like a happy ending, but knowing the people that are already gathered, the chances of that... not very good.

I'm sure we'll find Fleur her own Reichenbach Falls to tumble off of.

sirius009
01-08-2013, 08:43 PM
I think everyone's a little high on Tonks. She's used so often for so many different things I wouldn't like to see her as part of this group of 7, there's really no mystery.

Lisa Turpin, Katie Bell, Alicia Spinnet, Anthony Goldstein, Sally-Anne Perks, Hannah Abbott, Astoria Greengrass, Hestia Jones, Emily Vance etc. All make better candidates than the common Luna, Tonks, Ginny, Hermione combo.

Brukel
01-08-2013, 08:49 PM
The Patil sisters, they have the twin thing too, which could be a thing.

Celestin
01-08-2013, 08:55 PM
I think everyone's a little high on Tonks. She's used so often for so many different things I wouldn't like to see her as part of this group of 7.

Personally, I think everyone's a little high on Harry. He's used so often for so many different things I wouldn't like to see him as part of this group of 7. :p

Rakkety Tam
01-08-2013, 09:39 PM
Well, I think that to people who aren't huge fans of James Bond, seeing the connections between the stories and stuff are a lot more difficult through the movies because they're not even linear by way of time.

Why a James Bond crossover? I only ask because when I saw James Bond mentioned my mind went to Archer, and now, I really want to read an HP/Archer crossover. On a slightly more on topic point:

She's skilled enough to be, bar none, the most skilled competitor in a magical school which is, at the very least, seen as equal to Hogwarts and Durmstrang.
I got the impression that they were seen as inferior to Hogwarts. My impression was they wanted to show up Hogwarts and prove they were as good as them especially if it meant beating Dumbledore as well. It's a small point, but it was something I noticed.

redshell
01-08-2013, 10:04 PM
Why a James Bond crossover?

Crossovers and works that are inspired by are not the same thing.

In other news, while the idea of turning Fleur into some of the fanon I've seen for Blaise's mother is appealing, I too would like a happy ending, but at the same time, having Harry slowly turn into Daniel Craig's Bond would be incredible as well. Slowly, he's justifying it to himself that this is what has to be done.

To use a fanon cliche, we could cite "The Greater Good" for why Dumbledore did the things he did, and why Harry is now as well.

While I hate to see this become even more of a discussion about crossovers, the opening scene of Casino Royale, the one that was filmed entirely in black and white, was a powerful scene. It hooked the viewer, because we're watching James Bond, who not a few years ago would never have gotten his hands so dirty (Pierce Brosnon). What I'm driving at, here, is perhaps you could follow a similar formula? Start with a scene that takes place further on down the road, display the brutality that Harry is capable of, then jump back to the beginning?

Sesc
01-08-2013, 10:17 PM
Stuff~

Moar stuff~

You are with Fleur where I were was four years ago (http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?p=237872#post237872). Luckily, I just recently readjusted Fleur's character, or I'd sue you for my brain.

As it is, carry on :p

sirius009
01-08-2013, 10:37 PM
Personally, I think everyone's a little high on Harry. He's used so often for so many different things I wouldn't like to see him as part of this group of 7. :p

I see your point, all I'm saying is that you really have to work to pull off a great Tonks, and even then I feel as though she's been played out. If this was 2 or 3 years ago then she'd be perfect, but today, and maybe I'm alone in this, I'd like to see a different female character pop up. JBern had some interesting ideas w/ Hestia in that time travel fic he was going to write and she's stuck out as a character who could be used. There's so many female characters in HP and it seems as though a lot of authors find 2 or 3 and always focus on them.

f4Ze
01-08-2013, 11:57 PM
One character that would amuse me as the 7th would be Umbridge. How you could make it happen I'm not sure. Maybe make her Dumbledore's mole in the ministry.

Rakkety Tam
01-09-2013, 12:39 AM
Crossovers and works that are inspired by are not the same thing.

No, they aren't, but I kind of thought that this was more than just inspired by James Bond. I just didn't see a reason to mention James Bond at all if it was just inspiration. You could just as easily say that you intend to write a spy fic and leave it at that. I didn't think it would be a crossover in the usual sense of someone going to a different universe or it following a Bond film or book plot only with minor adjustments and magic involved, but I figured it would go beyond being a fic that was merely inspired by Bond.

CrackedMind
01-09-2013, 01:00 AM
The reason it was mentioned was because we were talking about Lung's fic, Fractal, and we somehow got to talking that Fleur was pretty much a Bond Girl. And that spawned the whole idea of the fic.

Taure
01-09-2013, 07:34 AM
I'm not sure how many Bond movies you've seen, but "Bond girl" normally signifies a pretty woman who gets fucked once then left behind. It's got nothing to do with intelligence, skill, or spying ability. I really have no idea why you think that Fleur is anything like a Bond girl.

Don E. Delivery
01-09-2013, 08:26 AM
I think, and this is especially true after Casino Royale, that Vesper Lynd is what the majority of Bond fans call the true "Bond girl". She was intelligent, beautiful, and had James tricked up until the very end. That would be the route I'd go with a James Bond-esque HP story, especially involving Fleur, who already has a Bond girl name.

Characters I would use:

You need a Q. Aberforth (or Flitwick, Slughorn)
You need an M. McGonagall.
You need a Moneypenny. Ginny.
Fleur as the love interest.

Any other characters would be bad guys, good guys, or irrelevant.

Jjf88
01-09-2013, 08:42 AM
The whole thing about Bond is that he rarely has people he works on the job with. You get the odd time where he meets another 00 Agent/rescues them (thinking earlier Connery stuff, and Goldeneye with Brosnan) but for the most part, he's in the field alone.

If you were going to make the Horcrux hunt a group thing, I believe that could work, but I think the latter half would have to split the group, with someone being the Q and M for the whole group, then the rest of them having separate storylines.

Taure
01-09-2013, 09:04 AM
You'd think that, if a group of 7 or 8 talented wizards could match what Dumbledore did, then he wouldn't have been able to do it in the first place.

Don E. Delivery
01-09-2013, 12:36 PM
That's part of the fun of the story, Taure... what Dumbledore had taken 100+ years to accomplish as the greatest wizard of the age, now has to be done by a group of people who aren't prepared for it. Difficulty makes the story, IMO, and the beauty of it is that it is extremely hard to duplicate what Dumbledore does easily.

If it was me writing the story, I'd tone down the James Bond-iness for all but a few characters. Fleur shouldn't be piggy-back riding Harry through every scene, and there should be at least a few kick ass fights with Harry by himself requiring gizmos gifted by the Q character, and Harry receiving information and guidance from the M character.

Also keep in mind that Harry from canon is awful with females, where as James almost always gets the girl. Some transition between teenage angst and adult badassery should inevitably take place.

Jjf88
01-09-2013, 01:10 PM
If it's going to be a true Bond inspired fic, there has to be the suitably epic one liners.

Celestin
01-09-2013, 01:14 PM
If it's going to be a true Bond inspired fic, there has to be the suitably epic one liners.

"Everybody needs a hobby," said Harry.

"What's yours?"

"Resurrection."

Lungs
01-09-2013, 02:38 PM
Guys, Fleur is the spy.

CrackedMind
01-09-2013, 03:35 PM
Lungs: ruining the plots of stories since forever.

Lungs
01-09-2013, 04:08 PM
It's not like we weren't going to tell them to begin with. :P

Jibril
01-09-2013, 04:28 PM
"Everybody needs a hobby," said Harry.

"What's yours?"

"Resurrection."Paraphrasing Emiya Shirou:
"I don't die, when I'm killed"

Warlocke
01-09-2013, 04:43 PM
born with one of the greatest gifts that a spy could ask for.
that a spy could ask for.
a spy
Nope, nothing to see here. Everything looks fine. :ph34r:

Insanity
01-09-2013, 05:25 PM
I like the idea but as a few people have said (and I'm sure you know) we need a lot more than that basic outline.

What I would say for now is i think 7 is to many character to use at least right away, though you could start with seven and have a few die quickly or not accept what is happening i suppose. I would much rather have three of four fleshed out characters with a lot if attention paid to them and their interaction than a story with Harry, Snape and 5 people with little more than names.

As far as Ron and Hermione are concerned I agree with what other people have said before, leave them out of it. Having them around Harry makes it less likely for him to change and grow up (though not impossible as some authors have managed it convincingly). If you must include them find some good and believable reason for them to be included other than that they are Harry's friends or that Hermione is "the brightest witch of her age".

Rakkety Tam
01-09-2013, 09:29 PM
I'm not sure how many Bond movies you've seen, but "Bond girl" normally signifies a pretty woman who gets fucked once then left behind. It's got nothing to do with intelligence, skill, or spying ability. I really have no idea why you think that Fleur is anything like a Bond girl.
If that is the definition of a Bond girl, I have a strange desire to see Cormac McLaggen as Bond.

Lungs
01-09-2013, 09:38 PM
I know I generally think of Vesper Lynd when I think Bond girl.

Also, I think I might recruit Cormac McLaggen, so sure of his abilities and all, down the line just to kill him off. :D

T3t
01-09-2013, 09:46 PM
If you make McLaggen canon!arrogant, then you should make him good. Like, really, really fucking good at whatever he does. That way, when he dies, the team actually suffers a serious blow, as opposed to laughing about it.

Inert
01-10-2013, 12:58 AM
Agreed on the Cormac thing. Seeing him written as something competent rather than just an arrogant school-kid would be a nice change of pace.

As to the spy issue. Fleur is the best choice. She can be the "Bond Girl" that acts in Vesper Lynd's place. Helpful, has her romance with Harry, only to betray him and the team in the end, possibly in some desperate gambit to save Bill, the man she had originally fallen in love with. Harry, who has been growing up on the job, transitioning from a schoolboy with a penchant for surviving into a man who's got some serious skills, would be forced to kill her in the end, for the sake of the overall goal of killing Voldemort. He becomes a balance between Dumbledore, someone who made questionable decisions in the face of serving the greater good, and Craig's Bond: simply ruthless.

I can't tell you how much this idea appeals to me.

arkkitehti
01-10-2013, 04:28 AM
What about starting the story with Harry killing Voldemort (in a Casino Royale opening sort of way) and then build up towards greater enemies and more glamorous locales? That way you could have a somewhat skilled (or at least experienced), older Harry who still has a lot to learn, a clean slate ministry that could be more competent than the Fudge/Scrimgeour clusterfuck in canon, and possibilities for even greater enemies around the globe.

There could be some super secret organization of evil overlords who were pulling the strings of Voldemort; after all he did spend around two decades learning stuff abroad before starting his Dark Lord business, even though he was making horcruxes already at the age of seventeen. Fleur could have been their double agent from the beginning, and she could kill Bill herself to hook up with Harry.

I'm somewhat concerned with the idea that killing Voldemort is just some kind of training exercise that still takes 50 000 words to go through. Either get over it in the prologue or make it the main plot of the story, with a possible sequel hook somewhere in the end.

Thyestean
01-10-2013, 05:53 AM
So if Fleur is the spy, who is she spying for. Is it the French government to see how the British are handling the situation? Did Voldemort kill her parents and take her sister Gabrielle hostage in order to track Harry? Or her own sociopathic need to learn the secret of immortality?

If you are going to do Fleur as a casino royale bond girl, you should build her up during the horcrux hunt and after the defeat of Voldemort she runs away with whatever her goal is. You could then easily make a bond Harry storyline, where he has to fight bad guys in cool places with her as the underlying main villain /romantic interest. With bitches on the side of course, its bond not a saint.

redshell
01-10-2013, 06:23 AM
So if Fleur is the spy, who is she spying for. Is it the French government to see how the British are handling the situation? Did Voldemort kill her parents and take her sister Gabrielle hostage in order to track Harry? Or her own sociopathic need to learn the secret of immortality?

If you are going to do Fleur as a casino royale bond girl, you should build her up during the horcrux hunt and after the defeat of Voldemort she runs away with whatever her goal is. You could then easily make a bond Harry storyline, where he has to fight bad guys in cool places with her as the underlying main villain /romantic interest. With bitches on the side of course, its bond not a saint.

I very much liked the idea that arkkitehi posted, about OC villains. While OCs inherently come with the tag of being utter shit, I feel like Lungs could believably pull off a French Dark Lord that has Fleur over a barrel in some way.

Blank402
01-10-2013, 08:23 AM
Agreeing with what some people have said, I think this idea works better post-Voldemort. I just don't see much room for spying and all that in Voldemort controlled Britain.

Rakkety Tam
01-10-2013, 03:48 PM
Fleur is the best choice. She can be the "Bond Girl" that acts in Vesper Lynd's place. Helpful, has her romance with Harry, only to betray him and the team in the end, possibly in some desperate gambit to save Bill, the man she had originally fallen in love with.
This makes me think you should mesh this story with Goldeneye giving Bill an Alex Trevelyan sort of role. The people in the group let power go to their heads, but they know that Harry would never agree to help them..even for friends. Fleur could have been a spy planted by them to keep tabs on Harry, but she falls in love with him along the way.

Don E. Delivery
01-10-2013, 05:18 PM
Fleur could have been a spy planted by them to keep tabs on Harry, but she falls in love with him along the way.

Have any of you ever read Dagger and Rose?

/me stands in front of the computer like a boss

Jjf88
01-10-2013, 05:42 PM
What is Harry's role if Fleur is the spy? Ugh, total retard moment here, sorry guys.

redshell
01-10-2013, 07:12 PM
What is Harry's role if Fleur is the spy? Ugh, total retard moment here, sorry guys.

Fleur is a double agent. Sort of like Snape, except less classy-as-fuck, what with the quintuple agent thing.

Lamora
01-10-2013, 08:39 PM
I'm sure we'll find Fleur her own Reichenbach Falls to tumble off of.

More like Reichencawk, right!? HAHAHAHAHA

I liked the original idea better than I do this one - a coalition of wizards to full the vacuum that Dumbledore left. Not Craig's Bond movies rewritten with HP characters and plot.

Peace
01-10-2013, 08:39 PM
I like the idea of Cormac being on the team. You could probably turn him into the team's politician, its inside man in the Ministry, based on the connections his family seems to have in canon (I doubt that Scrimgeour is the only politician that they know). Then when he's killed off to the cheers of readers the team could be seriously handicapped since he'd no longer be around to run interference for them inside the Ministry.

Augustine
01-11-2013, 04:57 AM
Love this idea - the whole story sounds like it could be awesome.

There is one thing however which really grabbed my imagination - someone's already mentioned a Q like character being played by Aberforth or Flitwick but for some comedic relief I, for some reason, am envisioning Arthur Weasley in the role.

Think about it -

Arthur secretly has a lab underneath the garage in which he's been tinkering with loads of muggle/magic hybrids, he merely affects being a complete idiot with these things as he works exclusively for Dumbledore. The Ford Anglia could have been an early attempt at a stealth method of transport (it turns invisible don't forget) You could perhaps also tie in the idea that he apprenticed Fred and George and that WWW is really just the front for a Dumbledore sponsored spy lab.

Also in terms of information gatherers you could bring in Xenophilus Lovegood and have Luna as an apprentice to him. Think about it, he moves between countries easily due to his journalistic role and as such gets exposure to alot of foreign governments and magical societies.

Again just two ideas for how to bring cannon characters in.

Love the idea

GrayFox
01-11-2013, 06:10 AM
Love this idea - the whole story sounds like it could be awesome.

There is one thing however which really grabbed my imagination - someone's already mentioned a Q like character being played by Aberforth or Flitwick but for some comedic relief I, for some reason, am envisioning Arthur Weasley in the role.

Think about it -

Arthur secretly has a lab underneath the garage in which he's been tinkering with loads of muggle/magic hybrids, he merely affects being a complete idiot with these things as he works exclusively for Dumbledore. The Ford Anglia could have been an early attempt at a stealth method of transport (it turns invisible don't forget) You could perhaps also tie in the idea that he apprenticed Fred and George and that WWW is really just the front for a Dumbledore sponsored spy lab.

Also in terms of information gatherers you could bring in Xenophilus Lovegood and have Luna as an apprentice to him. Think about it, he moves between countries easily due to his journalistic role and as such gets exposure to alot of foreign governments and magical societies.

Again just two ideas for how to bring cannon characters in.

Love the idea
rather attracted to the idea of a competent Arthur Weasley as the Q character. It's a rather cliche fanon thing to have him secretly be a member of the aurors/dom/unspeakables, but not many people have him be dumbles personal techie.

Warlocke
01-11-2013, 06:40 PM
rather attracted to the idea of a competent Arthur Weasley as the Q character. It's a rather cliche fanon thing to have him secretly be a member of the aurors/dom/unspeakables, but not many people have him be dumbles personal techie.That usually falls to the twins, and with good reasons: It's logical, and, to a degree, it's canon (for the Ministry).

afrojack
01-11-2013, 06:57 PM
Well, the idea of a competent Arthur Weasley is at least, IMO, somewhat canon. Reading between the lines, I always felt like he was definitely doing some interesting things with enchantment in his tool shed, especially as I got older, and his interest in Muggle objects could easily be interpreted as the natural curiosity of any creative mind, never mind a wizard's. The Ford Anglia, until two prepubescent wizards crashed it into what may have been the most violent tree in Britain, was perhaps only an order or two below the level of awesomeness of some of Dumbledore's inventions and devices. And that it survived the crash, and (still?) survives in the Forbidden Forest of all places, is perhaps the most amazing part of all.

E. C. Scrubb
01-16-2013, 03:04 AM
(Skimmed through 4+ pages of comments, so I apologize if some of this has already been discussed).
I have to wonder why Dumbledore didn't go back to the Order to make this happen, or at least, involve the Order. Of course, the more I think about it, a slow developing "There was a spy in the Order again" reveal that ratchets up the questions and issues surrounding Fleur would work (or the twist, that Fleur wasn't the spy in the Order).

That also helps put a background to the story in why he goes outside of the Order for some people, and stays within it for others - giving Dumbledore the fatal flaw of trusting a spy.
___

For characters, though most of them have been chosen, I'd push for a hard-charging smartass Seamus. He could almost fill the anti-hero but still good role. There's enough tension in canon between him and Harry to build things up between them, and yet his character is still unwritten enough that you have almost a blank slate with him.

Just please - don't go with the Dumbledore saying it's 'For the greater good' crap (someone else mentioned it). I swear it shows up in almost every other fic I read that has Dumbledore in it.

Samus530
05-06-2013, 10:37 PM
Well, it's been a while and I've been an avid fan of Harry/Fleur. Considering the lack of activity on the thread, I'm going throw a couple ideas into the thread for review to see if their valid for further pursuit. If I necroed the thread and that's a big no-no, then I apologize. If this is my first post on DLP and I forgot to introduce myself here on DLP, then my apologies.

Brief Summary: A chance encounter with something beyond his comprehension changes Harry. And maybe not for the better. After all, you're only supposed to have one soul

So basically, this story would start on the Black Lake when Sirius is getting his soul kissed by the Dementors. Harry is unable to form his Super Patronus and there is nothing he can do to stop his Godfather's death.

So in a fit of Gryffindor Bravery, he physically tries to intervene. When he does, he makes physical contact with Siruis's soul.

This leads to some complications. As Sirius' soul is being Kissed, it is in a state of flux, in a state between existence and destruction. Harry's interference breaks that fragile equilibrium and gets hit with the full backlash of a disrupted soul, which scares the Dementors off

This leads to the very essence of Sirius; his power, memories, personalities, outlook, experiences, everything flowing and combining with Harry's soul. However, since Sirius' soul was in the process of being kissed, Harry is still the dominant personality. [BTW, Sirius doesn't survive from his soul shattering]

But his character changes over the course of the summer. No longer is he the wimpy canon kid he is who refuses to stand up and actually study. He'll be more confident, darker, more in line of what we would want Harry to be.

As he enters into his fourth year, he'll have to deal with the school body who isn't accustomed to a now jaded Harry, now holding a part of Sirius within him. Que deteriorating relationships with Ron, Hermione, and the rest of the school body simply because they can no longer relate to him.

Dumbledore would try and help Harry through this personality change, but I have the idea of Sirius' seemingly abandonment in Azkaban along with coincidences in Harry's life has the BWL push him away and believe him to be a manipulative old coot.

Then the foreign students arrive and Harry meets with Fleur. Fleur would be middle class; her mother being one of the teachers brought along for the trip to Hogwarts while her father would be ... say, the Head of the French Department of International Cooperation who would come along on the trip to make sure no incidents happen between Britain and France.

I'm unsure how to really work the relationship, but I suppose that Harry, considering his new personality gained from Sirius' soul, would not be a 'leetle boy' and thus would interest Fleur, who is accustomed to simply dominating any boy who walks in front of her.

While their relationship develops, the Tournament becomes a much bigger deal for Voldemort as now not only can he resurrect himself, he cause a diplomatic incident between Britain and France and potentially start a war. This causes the Tournament and the year itself to be much more chaotic as Voldemort prepares to rise.

And that is what I've got down so far. Thoughts? Criticisms? Suggestions? I'm open for it.

I'm also tempted to write a story like "Dark Emperor the Immortal (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577478/1/Dark-Emperor-the-Immortal)" but where both a Dark Harry and a Dark Fleur travel back in time to regain their fallen Empire.

As a third idea, I thought why not have Harry's parent's never die? Like go through the canon books, with Voldemort trying to rise and everything, but have Harry had the love and support he needed to properly develop to his full potential. He would then be on a more equal basis with Fleur which would allow the relationship to develop. Also, the chance to start playing with the characters of Harry's parents and potential siblings is enticing to think about.

Thoughts?

Thanks!

BTW, someone posted on FFN "The 100,000 Sons of Maréchal Potter" on 5/1/13 by some one named loveyouRon. [Shudders at the name] Either way, it's definitely not Methene. I'm thinking plagerism is going on here. Here's the link. [Link] (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9253114/1/The-100-000-Sons-of-Mar%C3%A9chal-Potter)

Lungs
05-06-2013, 11:44 PM
Well, it's been a while and I've been an avid fan of Harry/Fleur. Considering the lack of activity on the thread, I'm going throw a couple ideas into the thread for review to see if their valid for further pursuit. If I necroed the thread and that's a big no-no, then I apologize. If this is my first post on DLP and I forgot to introduce myself here on DLP, then my apologies.

Welcome! I hope you enjoy your stay here!

Brief Summary: A chance encounter with something beyond his comprehension changes Harry. And maybe not for the better. After all, you're only supposed to have one soul

So basically, this story would start on the Black Lake when Sirius is getting his soul kissed by the Dementors. Harry is unable to form his Super Patronus and there is nothing he can do to stop his Godfather's death.I know what you mean, but I still really dislike it. 'Super' doesn't really cut it, in my opinion, and I think you should really think about ways of describing why that event which could have been was special or whatever, rather than calling it a "super" patronus and running with it.

Of course, that would mean a bit of backstory about the various differences and the changes which lead up to this moment of AU. I don't dislike it - Harry failing to form his patronus in one of the defining moments of the series could potentially be a grew jumping point for a bunch of awesome things.

But I'd like to know the whys of the situation - how is your Harry different from canon.

So in a fit of Gryffindor Bravery, he physically tries to intervene. When he does, he makes physical contact with Siruis's soul.Just a personal pet peeve. Harry is in Gryffindor because he's brave, he's not brave because he's in Gryffindor. I dislike [hogwart's house] as a modifier for any sort of traits. Goodness knows the less said about 'slytherinz cunning' or 'huffleufflesnufflepufflagus loyalty' the better. :\

This leads to some complications. As Sirius' soul is being Kissed, it is in a state of flux, in a state between existence and destruction. Harry's interference breaks that fragile equilibrium and gets hit with the full backlash of a disrupted soul, which scares the Dementors offSounds good. Explain flux. I'm not going to be pedantic, but every little explanation of the magic and the way your universe ticks makes the story a little better in my opinion. This is, of course, not to say that worldbuilding can take the place of plot.

This leads to the very essence of Sirius; his power, memories, personalities, outlook, experiences, everything flowing and combining with Harry's soul. However, since Sirius' soul was in the process of being kissed, Harry is still the dominant personality. [BTW, Sirius doesn't survive from his soul shattering]My first reaction to this is: oh dear, a convict of 13 years who's spent half his life getting his emotions sucked out is about to merge with the already-shaky adolescent psyche of someone who has far too much owed to the world...

But then... I was disappointed.

But his character changes over the course of the summer. No longer is he the wimpy canon kid he is who refuses to stand up and actually study. He'll be more confident, darker, more in line of what we would want Harry to be.Stop. Here you make an error which far, far, far too many authors make. Jaded is NOT the same as dark. I'd argue that Dumbledore is a hell of a jaded character, yet unless you go by terrible fanon characterizations, he's _the_ light mage - Harry Potter's version of Gandalf and every other bearded sage-like trope which has ever existed for the side of the good, the light, etc etc.

Aside from this, I'd argue that such an experience would probably shatter his confidence rather than improving it. Look at it like this - you've just lost your godfather who you've very recently found out did NOT murder your parents, only to have all the memories of his stay in the worst place imaginable AND, if a human being's memory is fairly represented, has forgotten the majority of useful shit that you learn in school.

The only positive (if we're going for having a more perfect [paraphasing a certain document a little sarcastically here] Harry) probably resides in the little bits of dark knowledge from Bellatrix's mad ravings, the most disgusting and brutal anecdotal pieces of dark magic from his childhood which he can't perform, and his select list of spells which are part of his very best memories - so his days with the Marauders, probably the victories in the battles which the Order of the Phoenix did with the Death Eaters, as well as those from his worst memories - battles lost in which his friends died and stuff.

As he enters into his fourth year, he'll have to deal with the school body who isn't accustomed to a now jaded Harry, now holding a part of Sirius within him. Que deteriorating relationships with Ron, Hermione, and the rest of the school body simply because they can no longer relate to him.I think how much the student body interacts with Harry Potter or, indeed, each other is a bit exaggerated both by Rowling's earlier work and by fanfiction. If there was a celebrity who went to your school - sure enough, if you were a fan, you'd probably go and introduce yourself to him or her at some point. If you don't become with friends with people who don't have an extremely loud personality to begin with - chances are they'll fade into the furniture and the stairs and you'll have other things to worry about.

His relationship with Ron and Hermione, however, that's a huge, huge moment for you to shine as a writer! Here, you have so, so much room to interpret how their characters would treat the incident and change from their interactions with their best friend. Would they even know?

Dumbledore would try and help Harry through this personality change, but I have the idea of Sirius' seemingly abandonment in Azkaban along with coincidences in Harry's life has the BWL push him away and believe him to be a manipulative old coot.Even if you're using it in jest, please don't call Dumbledore a coot. You're not Rita Skeeter. You are not Generic Death Eater #48 who says things like "Curse you, you manipulative old coot, foiled again!" Even in the latter case, this is Harry Potter, not Scooby Doo. His go-to response to Dumbledore in most of their interactions is probably the Killing Curse.

I do, however, see the opportunity for Dumbledore and Harry's relationship to deteriorate. Of course, you should keep in mind that Sirius forgave Dumbledore for his imprisonment from what we know of canon. Harry, depending on how much maturity he picks up, might be more or less inclined to do the same.

Then the foreign students arrive and Harry meets with Fleur. Fleur would be middle class; her mother being one of the teachers brought along for the trip to Hogwarts while her father would be ... say, the Head of the French Department of International Cooperation who would come along on the trip to make sure no incidents happen between Britain and France.Why must Fleur's family be important and well connected and with their fingers in the cookie jar already? Why can't their family be the French equivalent of the Weasleys? Not super critical of this cliche, but I'd prefer to read a story in which Fleur's motivations are shaped by her peers rather than "Veela culture" or the importance of her family or some garbage. Needless to say, my conception of Fleur in this case would find it much, much easier to connect to Harry.

I'm unsure how to really work the relationship, but I suppose that Harry, considering his new personality gained from Sirius' soul, would not be a 'leetle boy' and thus would interest Fleur, who is accustomed to simply dominating any boy who walks in front of her.Fleur is not a gallivanting veela dominatrix. It's clear that she's a girl of 17 years, with probably a set of very similar expectations, fears and hopes that you had at 17. Sure, she's probably the most beautiful girl anyone's seen, but the whole "women, especially beautiful women, are people too!" is a Thing in good writing.

That's not to say that I don't agree with the sentiment. Sirius's imprisonment and his already-immature self would probably not add too many years to Harry's psyche. At the same time, the traumatized pseudo-old self should never be confused for that of a person who's actually aged.

While their relationship develops, the Tournament becomes a much bigger deal for Voldemort as now not only can he resurrect himself, he cause a diplomatic incident between Britain and France and potentially start a war. This causes the Tournament and the year itself to be much more chaotic as Voldemort prepares to rise.I think you're overestimating how much Voldemort cares about anything but the personal pursuit of power and offing the people on his "hit list". Of course, you can make Voldemort smarter. This would make Sirius's experiences that much more poignant, I think.

I'm also tempted to write a story like "Dark Emperor the Immortal (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577478/1/Dark-Emperor-the-Immortal)" but where both a Dark Harry and a Dark Fleur travel back in time to regain their fallen Empire.

No.

As a third idea, I thought why not have Harry's parent's never die? Like go through the canon books, with Voldemort trying to rise and everything, but have Harry had the love and support he needed to properly develop to his full potential. He would then be on a more equal basis with Fleur which would allow the relationship to develop. Also, the chance to start playing with the characters of Harry's parents and potential siblings is enticing to think about.

This is not a new idea by any means, but it's one of those that everyone wishes were done well, I think. By all means, if you can do it well, go ahead.

Thoughts?

Thanks!If you write a decently sized chapter the idea I ran through, I'll beta it. (Meaning 3000+ ish in length). Time permitting (meaning ~1-2 days), I'll give you comments. If I like it, and you like my comments, I guess I'll beta more. :P

BTW, someone posted on FFN "The 100,000 Sons of Maréchal Potter" on 5/1/13 by some one named loveyouRon. [Shudders at the name] Either way, it's definitely not Methene. I'm thinking plagerism is going on here. Here's the link. [Link] (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9253114/1/The-100-000-Sons-of-Mar%C3%A9chal-Potter)I think that we're beyond witchhunts on plagiarism. Either the admins will deal with it, or they won't. Whatever. :\

As I said, welcome to DLP and stuff!

Alexx
05-06-2013, 11:49 PM
I think its already done though with Harry getting James memories. James and Sirius are pretty much alike.

bob99
05-07-2013, 12:07 AM
Yeah, this sounds a lot like The Lie I've Lived.

Lungs
05-07-2013, 01:01 AM
Now that you put it that way, it really does. O.O

That's not to say it's not workable, by any means. TLIL was fun to read, but a large portion of it really didn't stand the test of time, in my opinion at least.

Ugh.

I'm still sitting on my Bond!Harry/BondGirl!Fleur fic and also Before They Burn, which was my whole Grindelwald-won-the-war thing, if anyone remembers at all.

If someone wants to write more of it or something, go right ahead. Doubt I'll ever get back to Before They Burn, even if CrackedMind has rights over Bond!fic.

Oh fuck it. I might as well post everything I have. Consider this a treat for those who like my writing and maybe a starting point for something bigger.

A wild Lungs!bunny appears.

Before They Burn

Not (even close to being) a songfic, but certainly inspired by the following lyrics:

"You'd better run for the hills before they burn,
listen to the sound of the world and watch it turn.
I just want to show you what I know
and catch you when the currents let you go.
Or should I just get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
I've been trying hard to do what's right
But you know I could stay here all night
And watch the clouds fall from the sky..."

(This River is Wild, off of the Killer's Sam's Town)

Managed to (semi-creatively) utilize some of those in crafting a very specific way Harry looks at magic - more on that later. If any of you read Fractal, this Harry's magic is what Astrid's is based off of.


this fic is.. Up for Adoption!
unless someone really, really
really
really
motivates me to continue this.


I apologize for any cringeworthy writing. Especially in scenes of conflict. I think I've gotten good enough to realize which bits were good and which aren't.

Harry is a Third Class Citizen, white, but not German (1st), or Aryan in appearance (2nd). He is bought by a wealthy Second Class family, prosperous due to their connections and their potions corporation. He was sold by James Potter in an auction house to find money to cure Lily, who was dying of lung cancer from industrial work.

He is bought by the Delacours - trained as a butler of sorts; a glorified house-elf, and never told about his parentage, etc. One day, Severus Snape, another Third who works for the Delacour Potions company notices him and realizes that Harry's green eyes are very much like those of an old childhood friend he hasn't seen in very, very many years. Snape, in an uncharacteristic show of kindness, allows Harry to take hold of his Stirrer's Rod, the closest thing he has to a wand that he has the right to own as a third class citizen.

When Harry puts his hand on it, they realize that Harry is a wizard, and deep in the night, he steals Fleur's textbooks and practices the casting of magic with nothing but a stick. The conflict here is that he is completely incapable of anything: this takes him years to learn how to levitate a writing utensil and showing little to no improvement beyond that. But this also teaches him something that not very many people understand on an almost instinctual level - how magic seems to move between his body and the environment.

One day, the perfectly obedient Harry snaps, and he grabs the wand out of Fleur's surprised hands and the magic that he's been diligently practicing for years and years comes to him in a flash, allowing him to drag Fleur out of Delacour manor, holding her hostage.

Harry's ambition becomes to cross the English channel - to find his parents, following the only lead that he's ever had about his parentage - the single offhanded comment from Severus Snape about his eyes.

The story will feature... resistance movements, the specter of Albus Dumbledore hanging over Europe... the undying Grindelwald... a V-for-Vendetta-inspired Tom Riddle whose not afraid to kill, torture and rape to accomplish his objectives...

Eventually, Harry will find the widowed James Potter, kill a lot of people and have a huge ideological disagreement with Tom Riddle that leads to a deathmatch in the skies over Berlin. And then, of course, there's Grindelwald himself.

And that's not all. I had written a bunch of stuff too! Or something:

Prologue

note: it doesn't quite follow the plot bunny - in this case, Harry tries out his magic even before meeting Snape, and that only confirms it for him.

One Evening...

Lord Delacour’s accent was a crisp Parisian, refined and to the point. He never used more words than necessary and there was a stoicism to his manner of speech. Of course, this was the image he wished to put forth when there were guests around. There were little things that gave away the reality of his upbringing - that of a young, handsome German factory worker who had caught the eye of Lady Apolline.

“Show Mr. Snape to the guest room, Harry.”

“Yes, sir.”

The visitor and the servant sized one another up. Severus Snape’s coal black eyes seemed to mirror Harry’s lustrous green in depth. This was a learned man, Harry realized and without a pause, he bowed slowly. He led the taller figure through the halls of Delacour manor, glancing back at times.

Harry spoke first. “If you do not mind, what is your business here, sir?”

Snape didn’t seem to mind much. “I am in the interest of procuring more funding for supplies from the Lord.” His cloak billowed behind him like a cape and a proud lapel pin flashed “Support the King!” in black and gold and German.

“Do you work for my Lord?” Harry asked, spurred on by curiosity.

“Yes. I am one of the three Master Stirrers of Delacour Potions.”

They walked in silence as Harry frowned, staring forward firmly. Delacour Potions sold all manner of unpleasant concoctions that Lord Delacour told Fleur about in secret. They ranged from the mostly harmless Essence of Janus, which kept the Night Guard awake for weeks on end, to the nameless Delacour-brand opioid that sold in huge quantities to the poor of Paris…

“What do you brew?”

“This and that.” Severus Snape was a curt man. Or perhaps he had sensed Harry’s discomfort.

There was a loud crash in the background and Snape immediately dropped to the ground besides the wall, pulling out a long, wooden utensil.

Harry stared at it, dumbstruck. “Is that a wand?”

“I’m okay!” someone shouted from several rooms over, alerting the general public to the fact that nothing serious had occurred.

Snape drew the utensil back into a hidden cloak pocket. “No.” Harry couldn’t keep the frown off of his face, so Snape continued. “It is a Stirrer’s Rod, boy.”

“What can it do?” Harry asked, even though he knew the answer already.

“Magic.”

Harry nodded sedately and opened the heavy oak door, waving Snape in. The midnight black cloak, stained dull with solutions and grime, whipped past Harry.

“Come in here, boy.”

Harry complied.

Snape looked at him truly, for a moment. “You have… rather unique eyes. Tell me, are you an Englishman?”

Harry nodded.

“Could you possibly be from the town of Cokeworth?”

Harry’s eyes narrowed slightly. His birth was a sore point. “I must confess to not knowing where I hail from, sir.”

“Never mind then. Is there anything I should know?” Snape stared into his eyes more intently, somehow.

“I do not believe so. Dinner is at Seven.”

Harry closed the door gently and picked up his pace towards Lord Delacour’s study.

“Harry!” came the voice of one of the maids that had learned how to clean with him, in the years long past.

“Hello, Katie. I’m just going back to the master’s study now.”

“Well, don’t mind me then,” she said quickly. “Go see to the Lord.”

Harry stared at her nonplussed for a moment. “You broke the plates, didn’t you?”

Katie looked downwards, color rising to her cheeks. “It wasn’t my fault. Young Miss used magic on me.” She said the word with loathing and no small amount of fear.

Harry’s voice turned cold. “Gabrielle is the last person you should blame, Katie.” His anger was misplaced. What he had wanted to do was grab her by the shoulders and tell her how wonderful magic was.

In the same vein, her eyes had turned hard. “It’s easy for you to say. It’s always Fleur this and Gabrielle that. Not everyone has it as easy as you do, Harry Potter.” She switched to English, a sharp Irish accent. “We can’t all be favorites.” She grabbed him by the arm suddenly and there was a wistful longing in her eyes now. “Do you want to stay here forever, Harry Potter?”

He was truly angry now, his face slightly red. “Don’t touch me, Katie.” He pushed her hand off of his arm and stalked off towards Lord Delacour’s room.

Katie stared at his retreating back. “Don’t touch me, he says. Don’t touch me.” She pushed her honey-colored hair, more brown than blonde and not nearly good enough, out of her tear-streaked eyes and stared into a mirror across the hall.

“Harry, Harry!” shouted Gabrielle, who had appeared out of nowhere, seemingly. She dashed past Katie and ran after the retreating boy.

Harry turned around and swept Gabrielle up into a twirl. The girl giggled like mad and planted a kiss on his cheek. “Did you hear the plates?” she queried rapidly.

“Yes, I heard the plates,” Harry said with a bit of strain. Gabrielle noticed.

“Are you upset?” She pouted up at him.

“A little bit. You shouldn’t pick on Katie, Miss.”

Gabrielle’s face adopted a slightly twisted, yet obscenely cute, expression. “But it’s fun. Why do you care anyway?” she whined.

“I’m just giving an opinion, Miss. Just giving an opinion.”

Gabrielle pushed herself against him and looked up, her face right below his chest and pouted even harder. Harry smiled again and slowly untangled himself from the girl and knocked on the study.

“Come in.” This voice was cultured, something feminine and beautiful.

Harry did. “My Lady,” he said, bowing to Apolline Delacour. He turned to the figure seated at the desk and reported that Snape had been quartered properly, then withdrew to a corner.

The study was a strange clash of ideas and ideals which always hurt Harry’s eyes. There was the Lord’s chair, a huge silver and gold trimmed thing that was made of hollow wood - it was only sale in a small furniture store in Paris - sitting on a carpet from Persia which had cost more than he had. To the naked eye, the chair looked to be a cultured, sophisticated piece, but Harry knew otherwise. He had nearly broken it multiple times while dusting it. A chandelier of crystal - bought from a German manufacturer - hung over the smart mahogany desk which had been a Delacour family heirloom.

Lord Delacour never spoke refined French around Apolline - he preferred to speak in German, despite the fact that she hated it. Harry did as well.

“… And the quarterly profits have exceeded thirteen million Marks, so we’ll be able to afford that new fur coat you’ve been going on about…”

Harry loved it when Apolline rolled her eyes - they were such a beautiful blue.

“Harry, go entertain yourself.” Harry snapped back to attention and quickly walked out of the room. As he turned into a corridor he knew was empty, his feet began to move with a rhythm - a sort of march. It was a silly little thing from a time long ago, but there was something special about it that he didn’t seem to remember. One, two, three-four. One, two, three-four.

“That is a rather strange walk, servant.”

He looked up quickly. It was the man dressed in black - Severus Snape. Harry was mortified.

“If I were a less learned man, I would have believed that you were an imbecile of some sort…” Harry stared back defiantly, “but I do know some things about magic,” Snape finished. “It is manifested in strange ways. Tell me, boy,” he had switched to English, “are you familiar with the phrase ‘Idle hands do the devil’s work’?”

Harry shook his head.

Snape drew his Stirrer’s Rod at held it up to the light. “This is not a wand, boy, but a symbol of my knowledge, a symbol of my shame. It gives me the right to magic. A Stirrer’s Rod is more precious to a potionmaker than anything in the world.” He held it out to Harry, his eyes unreadable.
Harry stared at it for a moment, then received it.

“Give it a wave.”

And then, the world was brighter, a thousand points of light resonated with him, the operation of the world had changed. He was Harry Potter and if the golden sparks were any indication-

“You’re a wizard... Harry,” said the voice, surly and begrudging but wondrous all the same.

Later

During the day, Delacour Manor was a world of maids running about and cleaning, of house guests and precocious children.

During the night, there was silence.

Fleur didn’t like the silence - she was a vibrant girl, full of life and light and sun - so Harry always slept in a small cot in her room to chase the monsters away. Even as she grew older, Harry was never removed from her room.

Harry didn’t like Fleur’s room. Everything was white and bright and the night lights, cleverly enchanted faux-fireflies, lit everything starkly. But tonight, they were overshadowed by the soft brilliance of the moon. He walked over to the window, at the foot of Fleur’s bed, and stared at it. In his left hand was an old, dog eared copy of Grundlagen der Magie, 1. It had been in the exact spot he’d placed it in the old oak bookshelf all those years ago. He loved how organized he was for Fleur.

In his other hand was a stick. He laughed a bit, not too loudly because he hated waking Fleur and because no one could know of what he was doing. He flipped through the book slowly, torn between trying to learn as much as possible and getting through the entirety of the text.
His toes began tapping the thick carpet ever so gently. One, two, three-four.

“W-wingardium Leviosa!” he said a tad too loudly as he pointed the stick at a quill on Fleur’s desk. Nothing happened. Not even a wobble.

Fleur stirred, so Harry quickly put the book back into Fleur’s shelf and threw the stick out the window.

“What were you doing over there, Harry?”

“N-nothing, Miss.”

Fleur slid out of bed and glided over to him, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Hey, if there’s something wrong, you can tell me, Harry.”

Harry shook his head a tad too emphatically. “Nothing’s wrong, Miss.”

Fleur laughed delicately, her eyes twinkling in the moonlight. “You shouldn’t lie to me, Harry.” Her tone became serious and Harry looked away in slight shame.

“I’m not, Fleur.”

Fleur seemed a little frustrated now. “Harry, look me in the eye and tell me that you really don’t have any concerns.”

Harry continued to look downwards. Fleur took a deep breath and drew him into a deep hug.

“Read to me.”

“What should I read, miss?”

Fleur chuckled, her left cheek still against his right shoulder. “You know what you should read, Harry.”

He nodded dutifully and sat her down on the bed, then rose with no small amount of trepidation to the bookshelf. What if she noticed that her old schoolbooks were less dusty than- He nearly slapped himself. He was being far too paranoid. He withdrew the Ninety Thirty Two edition of Contes du Chaudron de la Sorcière Vieille and flipped to the story of the Four Founders.

“Once upon a time, there four very good friends who were skilled in all manners of magic arcane and mighty.” Fleur leaned back and closed her eyes, smiling. Harry took this as a good sign.

“First among them was Fortune-Favored Gryffindor, brave and bold to no end. Then, there was the kind-hearted Hufflepuff who was good to all. The third was the beautiful and brilliant Ravenclaw, gifted with foresight beyond any man. And lastly, there was the sly Slytherin, the Patron Mage of Serpents everywhere.”

Harry quickly glanced up. Fleur’s eyes had remained closed, but her breathing had not evened out yet.

“The four came together to found a school, and decided to name it something silly. Toadbits? Muledroppings? No, Hogwarts! Brick by brick, stone by stone, they built a castle most magnificent and grand to house the greatest magic of them all - learning.”

“Every year, there would be people who came by horse, by floo and by portal to learn. But Slytherin didn’t want to teach them all. ‘Only the purest of blood shall I take!’ he proclaimed as he wrote a thousand equations of arithmancy and looked upon the true nature of the world with his alchemy. ‘If Salazar shall have a choice, then I shall too,’ proclaimed Ravenclaw. ‘I will only teach those with the mental strength to withstand my knowledge of Runes and Divination.’ Gryffindor shook his head in dismay, ‘We are too divided, my friends. I propose that we teach only the brave to brew potions and tangle with magical creatures!’”

Fleur’s eyes were open now. Harry sighed, realizing that he had to finish the rest of the story.

“‘And I shall teach everyone you won’t,’ said Hufflepuff, ‘I shall teach them to charm a thousand things and transfigure a thousand more. I shall teach them to duel.’ And then, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor were ashamed, acquiescing to Hufflepuff’s declaration and pledging to take all students as their own. But Slytherin held firm for many days and nights.”

Harry quickly looked up yet again and Fleur smiled at him, looking almost anticipatory?

“‘I will look into the eyes of every student and, if they tell me the truth of their parentage, I shall teach them,’ Slytherin said reluctantly. And thus, the school of Hogwarts was formed.”

Harry closed the book with a snap. Fleur frowned. “You were supposed to read the rest of it,” she complained.

“It’s beyond your bedtime, Miss.”

“I’m seventeen,” she snapped, looking irritated. “I can decide when I want to sleep or not.”

Harry took an involuntary step backward. “Miss, then, please accept that I’m too tired to read aloud? It is far beyond my bedtime,” he quickly amended.

“Oh, Harry, I’m not actually angry at you.” She closed her eyes and turned over. Harry smiled despite himself.

He watched her fall asleep before he began muttering to himself once more.

“The most important charm for a beginner is a shield charm,” Harry recited. “The incantation is Protego and a sharp circular wave.” He sighed somewhat deeply. “It represents a marked increase in the wizard’s ability to survive, stopping all manner of projectiles and spells,” he continued to whisper, his hand swirling about awkwardly.

“Protego!”

Nothing.

Always nothing.

He felt this inexorable force building in him, traveling from all over him, his skin, his muscles, his organs, his very bones, move toward his hand, then… nothing.

He threw the fake wand out the window.

His ears had become long accustomed to the breathing patterns of Fleur’s sleep, and it seemed that she was about to wake suddenly, so he quickly dashed the three hundred meters to the kitchen over the soft carpet.

“Hi Katie. A glass of juice please, something Miss Fleur would enjoy.” Harry puffed.

Katie nodded and poured a large measure of juice into a cup, then told the icemaker very firmly that three pieces of ice ‘would be nice’. The magical utensil belched once and three ice cubes appeared, suspended in midair. Katie scooped them up from the bottom with the cup and dragged it out of the magical field that would have held it in place.

Harry took the cup from her and turned to leave.

“Don’t go yet, Harry,” Katie said. She reached into the cupboard and pulled out a small, oblong fruit that was red and green in shade. “Happy seventeenth birthday,” she said in English. She smiled.

Harry stared for a moment. “Is that a mangue?”

“Yes. Imported from the Brazilian Empire. The vendor told me that you should peel off the skin before you eat it.”

“Thank you, Katie,” Harry said, as he quickly pulled a knife from the cutlery block and sliced it delicately, pulling back the skin. He gave the yellow-orange flesh a tentative bite and then grinned in surprise as he quickly finished it, dripping everywhere.

Katie chuckled. “Now, you best take the cup of juice to Miss Fleur.”

Harry nodded once and pounded down the hall in a slow lope, always ready to serve but never really a servant.

Chapter 1 (but only the quarter or third I'd written)

The Next Morning

“Did you break the vase?”

“N-no sir,” she cried, almost pitifully as Lord Delacour’s wand snapped out a rapid staccato. A series of huge red welts appeared over Katie’s arms.

Harry was standing by the door of the Delacour study, the taste of mangoes in his mouth, a previously unseen frown upon his face.

“Lacero!” Lord Delacour cried, and Katie’s arm burst open. “Do you know what that vase was?”

Katie shook her head despite herself, even as she screamed in pain, writhing on the floor, blood spraying everywhere.

Gabrielle sat in her father’s desk, a satisfied smirk upon her face.

It was almost ironic how angelic she looked, Harry decided.

“Lacero! That was a gift for my services to the Reich from the First Minister of the King! Lacero!” Katie was now bleeding profusely.

“I should end your life right now.”

The door to the study burst open, with Fleur completely out of breath, her wand in her hand.

“Is Harry being-“ She looked down at the ground and saw Katie. “Oh.”

Her wand dropped to her side.

Harry swallowed, unable to feel anything. The world slowed to a stop. His hand shot out.

His hand closed around Fleur’s wand.

Elbow pointed at opponent, bent at ninety degrees, wrist pointed at opponent, bent at ninety degrees.

His hand shook.

Feet a shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent.

“Stop that, my Lord.”

Fleur didn’t even make a grab for her wand. “Whatever are you doing, Harry?” she exclaimed, looking ready to laugh. He looked almost like her dueling instructor, the fifty five year old Meurseault, standing like that.

Lord Delacour turned and stared at the servant boy incredulously. “Put the fucking wand down.”

“No. You put your wand down. Stop torturing her.”

“You presume to command me?” Lord Delacour asked, confusion on his face apparent. “You damn English dogs are all the same. When I thought I’d bought a good specimen- Lacero!” His wand slashed suddenly.

A sharp circular wave.

“Protego!” A warmth grew within him as his body recognized the presence of a conduit in his right hand. Every pore sang as they seemed to push out magic at once. A glowing blue shield rested in the air between Lord Delacour and Harry.

Harry dropped the shield.

After the shield charm, the correct position to assume is that of a perfectly straight arm, wand pointed again at your opponent. Take half a step back and stand tall.

“Heal her.” His voice shook. Lord Delacour growled.

“Tanzen Blitzen!”

If Lightning is ever summoned in a battle, touching your wand to the floor will generally diffuse it before the devastating bolts could be fired.

Harry dropped to the floor quickly, tapping it with his wand and the environment sucked the power out of the spell.

If you are caught in a position that will do you no good in the long run, fire a spell that allows you to move into a better location. Every second in a duel counts.

Harry snapped his wand upwards and dragged it back. “Pichi Pietre!” A trio of long spikes of earth floated in front of him as he stepped back, his head hitting the closed door gently. He ground his teeth - a perfect incarnation of the spell would have created slabs of marble and not clods of dirt. He waved his arm in yet another circle and the dirt was Banished at Lord Delacour.

“What are you doing, Harry?” Fleur shrieked as she narrowly dodged his violent swing.

“Stupefy!” Harry shouted, pointing his wand at her. Lord Delacour batted the last of the earth out of the way even as Fleur crumpled to the ground, unmoving. Gabrielle screamed.

“Interitum Propter Leti!” Lord Delacour’s wand flashed yellow, then gold, throwing the room into a sharp negative.

The words of a text written by the King himself on the Dueling Arts came to mind. Feel the magic upon the breeze, whether you have cast it or if it has been leveled against you.

He closed his eyes, feeling for the magic, his eighteen years of experience condensed into a singular sensation. The wand of Veela hair collided with the dark yellow spell, sending it careening into a vase. The shocked look on Lord Delacour’s face filled his mind.

The incredulous expression gave away into confusion and anger. "Where did you learn to duel, boy?" came the harsh whisper.

“From Fleur, sir.” The inflection was no different, but Lord Delacour heard the sheer mocking now.

He could not help but scoff in response. “My daughter cannot duel. She can’t even cook.” Harry stared at him indignantly.

“But she has schoolbooks.” Harry brought his wand up again, but Gabrielle cut him off.

“What brought this on?” It seemed to be the question that everyone wanted to know - even Katie, who was quietly moaning on the ground, the flow of blood stilled as Lord Delacour’s wand healed her slowly.

Harry did not speak, for everyone in the room knew. He had always been more noble than the others.

Harry however, did contribute to fill the gloomy silence after another unbearable minute. "I'm an Englishman by birth, of black hair and green eyes. A citizen-slave of the third, bought and sold as chattel."

Lord Delacour’s eyes hardened. “Did we not treat you well? As family, even? I’ve beaten you just as much as I would have beaten my children had they been boys. I’ve allowed you to sleep in the room of my daughter for close to two decades. Who are you to complain? You have been treated better than any slave I’ve ever seen.”

“But I’m not free.”

Lord Delacour’s lips pursed. “I’m not freeing you. Do you realize how much you’re worth? I paid a fortune for you when you were a child.”

“But I’ll be going anyway. Let me leave or…” Harry looked down at his wand, his face resolute and his eyes angry. “Or I’ll kill Fleur.”

There was another silence.

Lord Delacour slowly lowered his wand even as Harry raised his. “Stupefy!” The jet of red light caught Lord Delacour in the chest even as Harry scooped the still-Stunned Fleur off the ground gently and pulled the door open.

I Found a goddamned Lime. LMFAO

Harry pointed the wand at a pile of wood and gave a textbook twist. "Incendio," he decided, his pronunciation perfect from long hours of practicing deep into the night.

A jet of flame, golden, orange and full of hope washed over the dry branches and Harry stared at the fire, mesmerized.

Fleur scooted closer to him, bringing her arms around him as they sat in silence.

Abruptly, Harry began to weep silently, trails of salty tears glinting in the light of the embers.

"Go home, Fleur."

Fleur took a deep breath. "No."

"Why the hell not?" Harry whispered loudly, his green eyes narrowing slightly and his fist clenching over the wand with more force than he intended.

"You're alone," she said, as if it explained everything.

Harry waited for Fleur to continue, but she didn't, choosing instead to hum a little tune.

Harry opened his mouth to ask her to clarify, but suddenly, Fleur was upon him, her delicate, coral pink lips pressed against his rougher mouth.

The world exploded in a shower of blinding lights as their tongues wrestled and they moved in time with the oldest rhythm of them all.

The shadows cast by the campfire danced as Fleur ran her hands over Harry's chest, inviting him to reciprocate the motion.

He did, responding with a certain sort of animalistic fury that railed against his place in the world, against the hand dealt to him by fate. He grabbed her shoulder roughly, but Fleur was reminded of how gentle and kind Harry truly was when he cupped her breasts almost reverently.

Fleur shed her summer dress with a sort of grace that girls at the age of seventeen simply weren't supposed to possess, and Harry's mouth opened in awe at the cascade of the blonde hair, tracing the outline of her pert pink nipples. His eyes wandered down her abdomen and navel to her-

He blushed.

"Oh Harry, you're so sweet," Fleur said softly, removing Harry's shirt deftly. Harry's blush deepened, but he followed her lead, pushing his pants down past his knees and kicking them off.

In an instant, Fleur was upon him, claiming his lips yet again and running her hands about his body.

Harry growled in a way that he didn't know he was capable of, turning Fleur over.

"Take me, Harry," Fleur challenged him, her face alight with a blend of mischievousness and anticipation.

"Fleur," Harry moaned, his eyelids shutting forcefully as he complied. Fleur gave a long, drawn out mewl as Harry lost control, speeding up.

Fleur bit into Harry's shoulder even as his lips found the crook of her neck. Harry gasped involuntarily at the blend of pain and pleasure and came, grunting.

Harry rolled off of her, his eyes still closed, his heart hammering a heavy march.

"I'm not leaving you, Harry," Fleur said, as she began to cast a layer of protective wards over their campsite.

Harry nodded, completely spent.

Character Piece on Tom Riddle

He moved like a man four times younger than he was, with a sort of handsomeness and maturity not of the present day and age.

For the first time she could remember, she realized that she was hopelessly outmatched by the pale knight in front of her.

A thorny whip transfigured out of her rope of fire snapped at her wand hand and she gave a bloodcurdling shriek.

"I'll kill you yet, Tom Riddle!" she promised, a sort of wildness entering her eyes to mask the fear she felt.

Tom blinked stoically, choosing not to respond as his wand of the whitest yew flashed again, drawing shapes and symbols known to scholars and ancients.

A crackling bolt of lightning zipped into her other arm, sending a jolt of electricity through her so strong that she immediately fell to the ground, twitching.

She screamed again. The world became hyperreal to her as her nerves took in everything and anything.

The slow throbbing gush of blood in her wand hand magnified a hundred fold and she was paralyzed by simple sensation.

"Wh- Wh- what-"

She was unable to continue.

At last, an emotion came upon Tom's face.

It was monstrous, a sort if psychopathic glee that she had always claimed to have felt, but could not even dream of.

She wanted to curse, but the merest motion of her lips caused a burst of pain as if she had been bit by a blunt object and a burst of pleasure as if she had been kissed, so she didn't say a word.

"Fantastic."

A tear rolled down her cheek, of shame and pain and-

He abruptly struck her, hard, and she felt herself moaning in the worst hurt she had ever felt.

In a smooth motion, the strike turned into a mocking caress. Her eyes widened in horror, but Tom only laughed at her.

She didn't know if the emotion running through her was relief or righteous anger.

"Tell me, who is supplying the Reich with information about our cause?"

She didn't know entirely, but she also didn't want to let him down - she wanted to live! She wanted to see her family before she inevitably died, she wanted to-

She opened her mouth to provide a fabrication, but the expression on Tom's face was not encouraging.

Was she that transparent, or did all of the man's victims think as she did?

She was under no doubt that this wasn't the first time Tom was doing this. Tom Riddle had a reputation among the folks on the Squad and even among the most notorious legion of them all...

The spell let up for a moment, and she was surpassed at how disappointed she was. There was a certain dullness to her motions and thoughts, though she had forgotten nothing.

"Kill me," she ventured.

"Not until you tell me who has been working against us, Bella."

She gasped. She couldn't have been known to him by name. She came from an important family, but a minor branch... She-

"You have thirty seconds."

"I don't know anything!" she cried out in panic.

Tom's face twisted in disgust and he applied the curse again. This time, he followed his magical work with a heavy punch.

The impact was impossibly painful, but then, it was gone forever.

"Avada Kedavra."

Tom looked down at the corpse. "I usually play with my food, but your dignity is already somewhat nonexistent. Good luck on your next great adventure!" he said cheerfully, and vanished.

Bella's blank eyes stared at the starry, starry night.

Harry Repairs a Broom
this is a big deal because the use of broom sticks was a hallmark of the Allied defense and when they lost, Grindelwald flipped a shit and banned them and burned all of them. This scene is special to me because it's the first time I wrote a Harry doing something which I consider awesome which didn't read like pick-any-trashy-super!Harry-fic. Edited slightly.

Harry’s hands ran along the old object with reverence, his eyes alight. It was a Shooting Star from 1945, a relic of the last Valkyrie Squadron. He paused to think of the name, seeing a strange irony.

His companion frowned meaningfully, her eyes reaching into the storybooks and fairy tales as though in a trance.

“And he, he was the God of Lightning,” Fleur said softly, her cultured Parisian lilt taking a melodic nostalgia.

“Thor and his many Valkyrie,” Harry muttered. “Of course, this bears no real connection to it…”

Fleur smiled, her expression encouraging. “It's about what you believe Harry. You’ve always known this. You can do it. You’ve studied everything you could find about brooms.”

Harry pointed her wand at the broken Shooting Star, a thousand unsaid words upon his lips.

“You can do it,” Fleur repeated, a slight urgency leaking into her tone.

“Reparo.” A slight jet of blue light left his wand.

Nothing happened. Harry put the wand down and Fleur bit her lip.

“I didn’t expect anything to happen,” Harry said heavily, but undeterred.

Fleur opened her mouth to speak, but Harry held a forefinger to his lips. She closed it with a slight click, an almost erotic sound permeating the old mill.

For a moment, the sound of the soft breeze over the English cornfields surrounding them was echoed by the rotten and decaying wood around them as though someone had to respond to Fleur.

Harry stared at the broom unblinkingly, then traced his wand in a slow figure eight, relishing in the residual magic left in the broom. It was well made. A very powerful wizard, or a great many of them, had designed this. Despite being snapped in half and left to rot with the mill, the ambient energies which the broom had gathered once manifested.

“Reparo,” he repeated, with more certainty.

Nothing happened.

Fleur let out a sigh of disappointment, but her expression quickly changed to that of curiosity as Harry began to breathe in a slow, rhythmic pace.

At first, Harry’s eyes snapped around to various objects surrounding him in horror. He couldn't ever get used to the explosion of color which connecting with the magic of the environment granted his sight. It was horrific in the way that a bare truth was horrific - so stark and bland that it triggered some existential impulses within him. Then he calmed, coming to grips with a world of green and gold. Magic was beautiful, if a little too honest at times.

He was the broom, a part of the broom, he reminded himself.

A part of the broom.

He never became the broom. He always was the broom. From the moment it was created, as each... spell... was... cast...

His heart rate dropped dangerously, then surged as his body fought against his magic while his mind reveled in the images and histories suddenly clear to him.

He took quick breathes, hyperventilating. High as a kite. No, much higher than a kite! He was a broom.

“Braking charms,” he whispered, as he felt himself for how he stopped. The world stilled.

“Acceleration charms,” he quickly spat, “Weather charms.”

There was the curious sensation of being able to perceive the effects of these spells as though they were cast on his body to begin with.

His mind was a jumble of Arithmantic equations, he was an engineer now, he was an inventor - he solved problems and created spells. He withdrew from the paradoxical pretense of being a broom and began to do what he loved best.

“Flammata,” he whispered. His wandtip shimmered blood orange. He began to draw on the air, burning words illuminating the inside of the long-abandoned mill. Fleur stared at the crossbeam above them which looked ready to collapse with some trepidation.

He quickly worked out that which he understood, and conjured a pencil and paper to write down what he couldn’t solve immediately.

He could do it. He could rebuild the Shooting Star. After all, he’d done things which cost his magic a lot more than just a little bit of enchantment on the side.

That's all I have, folks.

Uhh, if anyone's serious about writing it, they can probably message me with questions. I probably remember a lot more about this than just the shit in my notes and all.

Likewise, if there's enough discussion here about the awesome choices I could potentially make, I might just screw it all and go ahead and write it. lol.

Samus530
05-07-2013, 08:49 AM
Reply

I did not realize that this idea was so similar to TLIL. :\

Well, thank you for the reply and I'll address all your points below. I haven't written for Harry Potter at all so it's a learning experience.

1) I came up with this idea right before I went to bed last night and when I was tired. I didn't have time to flesh it out. I would definitely expand on the what's and why's on Harry's Patronous.

2) Here's a better way to explain it. Sirius is the only true family Harry has left. He wouldn't just sit back and watch him get kissed.

3) Flux is the transition of magic from one state of existence to another, normally defined as a person's inner magic transforming into actual magic. Flux is something that is neer impossible to control as it is chaotic, undefined. Very few people can control flux without a controlling object, thus why there are few users of wandless magic.

Through the use of a wand, far weaker wizards could control flux, allowing them to use magic which then explains the mass prevalence of wands in the Wizarding World.

4) What made you disappointed? I'm trying to figure out the weak points and strengthen them.

5) When I meant jaded, I meant older, darker, less sure of his identity, but yeah, I see what you mean.

I would also agree that this would shatter his confidence. Didn't think about Sirius forgetting almost everything... is that canon or an interpretation of fact? Because I could simply say once a soul learns something, it is never forgotten even if it disappears from conscious memory.

6-7) I'm sorry about the jestful comment about Dumbledore and that would definitely not appear in the story. Thanks over your comments about Dumbeldore and Ron/Hermione. When I meant student body, I meant the people who associate with Harry, not the body as a whole.

8 ) I admit, that was not terribly smart of me by brining the Delacours there. My sleep deprived brain probably wanted to have Fleur's parents watch as the relationship came into being. I'll change that.

9) I didn't mean it like that. Fleur is a Veela who is accustomed to boys drooling at her. Why wouldn't she embrace the gift? All I'm saying is that she would be interested to see a boy not drool at the sight of her. It's something that she's not expecting and that makes her curious.

And I must admit I'm a little confused over your last sentence in this section.

10) I probably would make Voldemort a bit smarter and have him realize that this is a golden opportunity to cause chaos and make the British too preoccupied to deal with him.

11) Okay. Just throwing it out there.

12) I would have to do some research (a lot of research), but I'm really tempted to actually try the living James/Lily with Harry/Fleur. Could you direct to such a site where I could make sure the story was as close to canon as possible?

And do you think I should start in fourth year with Fleur and have conversations and such reveal the changes in the universe? Or should I simply start just before Year 1?

Before I get too far into it, which idea do you think I should pursue? The Sirius/soul one or the living James/Lily one? I'm leaning towards the third one simply because I now know that TLIL is really similar to the Sirius/soul idea...

13) Thank you for the offer! I'll keep it in mind. I have finals and other non HP stories so this is not 1st on my priority list. Although, if I could get enough information and inspiration and suggestions, I'd probably start writing this. Always wanted to add to the Harry/Fleur community...

Just wondering, is there any news about possible updates for any good Harry/Fleur stories?

EDIT: BTW, interesting story. Very interesting.

FreakLord
05-07-2013, 03:58 PM
Now that you put it that way, it really does. O.O


Great plot Lungs. I have a few things to point out.

1) I didnt see any reason why Fleur or Garbielle would like Harry while indifferent to Katie. Both are slaves.

2) Harry snapping seemed a bit forced. The lime scene between Harry and Fleur too.

Something non-related to your writing but related to the plot. Wasn't Grindelwald all about magical superiority? I dont see the Potters being 3rd class citizens even if they are English.

EDIT: Harry has been treated almost as his own child by Lord Delacour, so unless he has serious issues with not practicing magic or seeing other slaves treated very very badly, It doesnt even make sense that he snaps.

Samus530
05-07-2013, 04:18 PM
2. Harry snapping seemed a bit forced. The lime scene between Harry and Fleur too.

I believe that this is all Lungs has written and are not meant to be combined. Like the Lime would be seperate, the broom scene would be seperate, etc.

That said, I agree with sunkarapk. Wouldn't the Potters not be third class citizens due to magical power? Unless Harry never showed any aptitude for it of course...

CrackedMind
05-07-2013, 05:57 PM
Has it actually been confirmed in canon that Grindelwald was a proponent of "Magical power > blood"? If not, I think Lungs' Hitler-esque ideology is perfectly valid for Grindelwald. More so due to the fact many associate Grindelwald's war with WW2.

Also, we really need to work on that Bond!fic, Lungs.

Basilisk
05-07-2013, 07:53 PM
I'm quite sure Grindelwald and Dumbledore wanted to create a world where muggle wouldn't be dangerous to wizards (because of Ariana). Now, if Grindelwald actually wanted that or simply used the excuse to bring Dumbledore into it.

"For the Greater Good."

Invictus
05-09-2013, 03:44 AM
Loved Lungs story, definitely great potential there, except he Riddle part, didn't like as whole there. And Aryanesque part of the regime. Answering sunkarapk 1) everyone has favorites, even parents have them (they die before admitting, but they still have) and Harry being a male must be a big reason why they like him, is easy to see Fleur and Gabrielle jealous of Katie, even if is subconciously. 2) Harry snapping look forced to us because we know barely next to nothing about his life there and his relationship with everyone, be it the Delacours or Katie. But I agree with the about the lime part, it did seemed forced.
Now to Lungs, a few questions. Is Tom Riddle inspired in V in what way? His methods, his cause or his psychotic determination? And will be the V from the movie? That is all about freedom and very little about Anarchy, unlike the comics. The V in the comics is more cruel, much more insane and even more set on his crusade against the "system". And do bear in mind, when I say Anarchy, I say true anarchy, not the all around chaos that americans thing that Anarchy means. And more, what is the relation between Hitler and Grindelwald ? About Grindelwald, we only know he wanted wizards in the top, so we don't really know his views in magical purity and etc. And lastly, when I read about the Secon Class citizens, and such, it reminded greatly 1984, any similarities? Brave New World would be a nice inspirational work together with V about what freedom is and how we need it. I am huge Harry/Fleur fan, the potential is huge, but I dislike soul bond, mind read and shit like that, and that's almost all fics out there. I will suggest a plot too, but only after serious thought on my part, so I wont be roasted here.
Samus 530, at first I thought your story was idiotic and cliche, but after seeing your answer to Lungs great analysis, I see that was unfair. It has potential, although it is a little cliche, but my main problem is the similarity with Lies I've Lived, a fic that I loved. So I suggest abandoning that plot, because is bound to be seen as a copy.
Finally just something I want to add, I always thought that a Gay!Sirius would be very interesting, and wouldn't just throw cannon in the trash, I hate Harry Slash because is nothing like Harry from any book, and I must admit I really dislike a work where the main character is gay, is not my cup of tea. But a secondary character? I think it adds to the history. Iimagine Sirius like Wallace from Scott Pilgrim. Wallace is awesome, insanely cool and the ultimate man whore, all things that remind me of Sirius. But if you disagree, please, please use good arguments, I will read them and if I think you are right, I will say so.

Fatality
05-09-2013, 04:37 AM
That is a fucking massive wall of text. Put in some damn paragraphs or no one will read it.

Also, from what I read it wasn't very coherent anyway. If English isn't your first language I don't mean to be rude, but seriously that whole post could use some work.

OT: Lungs that was pretty awesome. I don't care what you do (that or Bond!Harry) just please write some Harry/Fleur soon? I can't remember the last time I read a good story with the pairing.

Edit: You edited while I was posting, so now I kind of look like an asshole. Still could use some more spacing TBH.

FreakLord
05-09-2013, 06:47 AM
Has it actually been confirmed in canon that Grindelwald was a proponent of "Magical power > blood"? If not, I think Lungs' Hitler-esque ideology is perfectly valid for Grindelwald. More so due to the fact many associate Grindelwald's war with WW2.


This is what we know from canon.

Albus and Gellert made plans to find the Deathly Hallows and create a world in which Muggles would be subservient to wizards and witches. Grindelwald merely wanted to dominate and rule Muggles, whereas Voldemort wished to kill them outright, along with anyone he considered not of pure blood. An army of wizards and witches followed the Dark Wizard Gellert Grindelwald in the early twentieth century. They sought to create a worldwide wizarding empire, which would overturn the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy and force the Muggle population into slavery. Global Wizarding War was started by the Dark Wizard Gellert Grindelwald and his followers with the intentions of toppling the European Ministries of Magic, replacing them with a Wizarding Empire that would control the entire wizarding population of Earth and enslave the Muggles.

There was no connection to Hitler or Aryans or Germans other than JKR hinting about 1945 at a later date interview.

Taure
05-09-2013, 07:19 AM
You're missing something quite important. Dumbledore and Grindelwald didn't want to dominate the Muggles out of some desire for power over them (or at least, that wasn't their philosophy - the desire for power no doubt played a psychological part in the development of that philosophy). The philosophy wasn't one of superiority but rather was essentially paternalistic: they believed that they could rule the Muggles better than the Muggles could rule themselves. That they could make the world a better place if they were in charge of the Muggles. Reduce their suffering. Thus "for the greater good". It's for the Muggles own good to be ruled by wizards, who can use magic to reduce crime, disease, etc.

Fatality
05-09-2013, 07:48 AM
That's a pretty interesting philosophy, and not entirely untrue. The world probably would be a better place if wizards used magic to reduce crime, war and poverty. The only problem is whether for that outcome wizards really need to rule over muggles, and whether that would lead to the wizards abusing their power. You could make the argument that wizards couldn't safely or realistically improve the global state of affairs unless they were ruling however - otherwise the muggles would be quite likely to resist and attack the wizards.

It could be interesting to see a world where Arianna Dumbledore never died, and Grindlewald and Dumbledore went on to create some sort of near-utopia where they ruled an empire of wizards ruling muggles, and actually improved quality of life for everyone. I'm not quite sure where the conflict would come in exactly - maybe Dumbledore and Grindlewald are getting too old, and looking to pass over leadership to someone. In comes Tom Riddle, etc.

Oruma
05-09-2013, 09:45 AM
Or: Tom Riddle wants to be that leader, but D&G saw through him (just wanting power, blood purity etc.) and didn't want to give it to him.

Lungs
05-09-2013, 03:47 PM
Great plot Lungs. I have a few things to point out.

1) I didnt see any reason why Fleur or Garbielle would like Harry while indifferent to Katie. Both are slaves.

2) Harry snapping seemed a bit forced. The lime scene between Harry and Fleur too.

Something non-related to your writing but related to the plot. Wasn't Grindelwald all about magical superiority? I dont see the Potters being 3rd class citizens even if they are English.

EDIT: Harry has been treated almost as his own child by Lord Delacour, so unless he has serious issues with not practicing magic or seeing other slaves treated very very badly, It doesnt even make sense that he snaps.

1. Harry was the defiant type of kid. And he really does look out for Fleur and Gabrielle - while the other servants hate the two to varying degrees, Harry shows nothing more than exasperation, ever.

2. Yeah, none of it is really polished, and I really reallllly suck at writing limes, I think I did it when I was drunk or something. xD

3. Harry has a sort of contempt for Lord Delacour that he doesn't recognize - the man isn't too bright: over the years, after he stopped being cute-German-boy she pretty much picked up a ton of contempt for him herself, and Harry's always been treated better by the other members of the household.

The point is that Harry has an almost worship of magic - he sees it around, and he loves it, he feels it in nearly everything. The combination of seeing Lord Delacour, who doesn't have the luxury of blaming youth (like Gabrielle) in his shitty personality - hell, he tortured a girl over a broken vase which he probably knows that she didn't break, and it's definitely not the first time. Added to the fact that Harry is finally finding his magic...

@Invictus: That was just a quick personality sketch, it doesn't really represent the sum total of Tom's ideals or anything. Tom wants power in post-society. The difference between him and V is that his morality is far far more eroded.

More answers pending.

Samus530
05-10-2013, 08:30 AM
Samus 530, at first I thought your story was idiotic and cliche, but after seeing your answer to Lungs great analysis, I see that was unfair. It has potential, although it is a little cliche, but my main problem is the similarity with Lies I've Lived, a fic that I loved. So I suggest abandoning that plot, because is bound to be seen as a copy.

Thank you for your honesty. After realizing how close it was to TLIL, I have decided to abandon that plot.

I'm trying to see if I could write an alive Lily/James story with Harry/Fleur, but it's ... being difficult. Any suggestions anyone?

Russano
05-10-2013, 09:28 AM
Lily and James being alive as a turning point for an AU isn't especially compelling. It's like one of those ideas that was interesting in like...2003. Harry's orphan status and early life with the Dursley's really define him, and if you are going to have somebody raise him there are more interesting people than his parents.

As for it affecting a Harry/Fleur relationship. I actually think it makes him less likely to hook up with Fleur. His hard life from canon lends him a little more maturity and gravitas then a standard teenager. I've always views a Harry raised by Lily and James as sort of a generic vapid pureblood type, maybe a little more studious in canon, but sacrificing character.

Most stories that feature his parents have something else as the main draw. Dimension hopping (which I absolutely adore), Wrong Boy who lived stories (most of which are pretty awful, but if you do it decently its a better way of using Lily and James) or feature a changed world, like Harry Potter and the Last Avatar, or a world where Voldemort won or something of that nature.

The reason you are having trouble is because your creative foundation is weak. It just doesn't change enough to give you something to write about other than bad canon rehash.

To address your 3rd idea. Dark Harry/Fleur time travel empire fic. Awful. Really, really awful. Like, go back in time, find out Dumbledore and Weasley's and everyone was secretly evil and controlling, awful. No offense. But...

...on the bright side it gives me an idea for how I would do a time travel story.

It would feature a canon Harry who at some point either had Ginny or his friends murdered after the fall of Voldemort. In his quest for revenge he sinks deeper and deeper into the dark arts, violence and his Harry Pottery goodness begins to fade. He wouldn't be "Dark Lord" dark. But he would be on the path where in maybe 5 years or so he would be at that level. So as he slowly deteriorates towards darkness and in his research he discovers some method of time travel. A spark of hope and optimism returns and he decides to go back and do something.

Now you could go back to anytime before 4th year (because you want Harry/Fleur and that's the best place to do it, although its workable in 5th year on too.). Maybe beginning of 3rd year would be best, because you don't want to get bogged down in the early adventures crap and how that affects things. Plus the Sirius plotline has potential for darknessy goodness.

Now, say he goes back in time. But he's not the good noble Harry anymore. He's essentially dark wizard material. As such, his solutions to various problems might be too destructive, or expose, or don't go at all as planned in someway. Maybe Sirius never escaped for some reason due to him coming back, and he cant' get him out legally, so he busts into Azkaban and breaks him out.

Or maybe he gets into trouble for some Dark Magic, or an overly violent response to Malfoy being a twat. If you need an example of a Dark Harry time travel story, I'd recommend Circular Reasoning by Swimdraconian.

Now...this leads Harry to begin losing hope again as things begin to go wrong and he thinks he's failed, or failing. Which brings us to Fleur in 4th year.

Fleur is an interesting time travel romance interest. Most time travel fics run into the weird problem of having some 20 year old, perving on a 12 year old Ginny or Hermoine. Fleur however, at 17, is both young and old enough at the same time. She's young enough that she could conceivably be with a 14 year old mature Harry Potter, as well as still having a youthful innocence or naivety that Harry could find appealing. She's old and mature enough, being a hot teenage Veela babe, that an older 20+ Harry could be with her without it being creepy. Plus she'd be old enough to be able to understand and handle the darker aspects of Harry without resorting to "zomg you're doing dark magic!".

Now, this gives you plenty of room to play around with Harry and Fleurs relationship as she changes his outlook on life, brings him back to the right path on his mission, and is the light to his darkness.

This would then give you room for them to go out together and destroy his Horcruxes and stop Voldemort at the end of 4th year, thus ending the fic in a concise way. Or, as an alternative, you can stretch it out beyond that into the clusterfuck every time travel becomes, and have him do later year stuff too. (although that route probably bogs it down, I'd go the other route.)


Anyway, does that sound like a better idea? If I was gonna write out a time travel fic (which is a real pain to actually write) that's how I'd do it. Butterfly effect is always important and fics that try and have Harry keep everything the same usually work out very poorly.

If nothing else maybe it gave you (or another Harry/Fleur lover HOoraah!) an idea.

My other Harry/Fleur ideas I'm putting into the great story in my head, that I should probably force myself to try a hand at writing.

Perspicacity
05-10-2013, 10:13 AM
Thank you for your honesty. After realizing how close it was to TLIL, I have decided to abandon that plot.

I'm trying to see if I could write an alive Lily/James story with Harry/Fleur, but it's ... being difficult. Any suggestions anyone?

Let's see, if I were to do it...

How about turning the storybook Lily/James "romance" on its head? Make it that the canon split is that their perfect marriage fell apart as a result of the prophecy, stresses of the war, disagreements in how to protect their son, disagreements over Dumbledore's leadership, etc. In the end, after a scandalous and acrimonious split, Lily escapes with Harry to France, leaving James behind to fight the war. This changes him, making him brusque and cold. Neville eventually becomes the BWL through the standard way (Pettigrew's betrayal, in this case giving up the identity of the secret keeper, who is tortured to insanity for the Fidelius secret). Sirius doesn't go to prison.

Harry grows up with Lily. He has a difficult relationship with his father, having only seen him occasionally throughout his life. He generally considers Sirius to be a womanizing asshole and wants nothing to do with him. James remarries, but the marriage is on the rocks as well by the time the story picks up (4th year?) Lily never does, though there has been the occasional fling in her life as well. She has lingering attachment/commitment issues and compensates by being a bit overprotective of her son (something that leads to no small amount of friction between them). Harry attends Beauxbatons, befriends Fleur, etc. He finishes school and takes a job (your choice what) in England just as the war there starts to heat up. Fleur is there as well, working for Gringotts as in canon. The two hook up against the backdrop of a raging war. As adults, the minor age difference doesn't matter so much any more. (They couldn't really date in Beauxbatons.)

Lily returns to England, perhaps to be closer to her aging parents (and with Harry gone, there's a bit of an "empty nest" thing going). She finds that after being away for so long, she has little in common with her former friends, etc., and she tends to stay out of the Magical world. She and James meet, now older, grayer, wiser. They may or may not make a thing of it, but both recognize that they made mistakes along the way and had a hand in how things turned out.

As Facebook teaches us, people who marry straight out of school tend not to stay that way, as it's rare that "twoo wuv" lasts past the first real crisis. (It's nor surprising, as neither party tends to have the life experience and maturity to deal with things.) For once, I'd just like to see a more realistic treatment of James/Lily, where they're human beings and not some sort of Platonic ideal of warm, parental goodness.

Taure
05-10-2013, 10:37 AM
Sounds great, Pers. Only "problem" is that it seems to me that it should really be Lily-centric.

wordhammer
05-10-2013, 12:32 PM
How about turning the storybook Lily/James "romance" on its head?

For once, I'd just like to see a more realistic treatment of James/Lily, where they're human beings and not some sort of Platonic ideal of warm, parental goodness.

Realism?

Inspiration inspires...

Prologue:
Voldemort came to Godric's Hollow ready to kill Harry. James was away following up on a tip that the Order had been betrayed. When confronted, Lily isn't quite ready to give up her life and she asks Voldemort if this is about the prophecy.

The Dark Lord pauses.

Lily explains, "B-because you don't know the whole thing. Dumbledore told me- the line you haven't heard is that the one to defeat you will be your equal. It can't be Harry!"

Voldemort forces what she knows from her mind, including her belief that the one in the prophecy must be Neville because of his purer bloodline.

Voldemort takes her and Harry captive and then goes to Longbottom Manor, where the outcome is much the same as canon. With Voldemort gone, Lily and Harry are freed.

The Lestranges and Crouch Jr pounce on James just as he catches up to Peter. They torture James for a bit but are interrupted by Sirius and Remus. The ensuing running battle is a mess resulting in many muggle and magical deaths, including Peter and Rodolphus. Everyone alive is thrown into Azkaban except the comatose James, as the surviving Lestranges insist that they were suffering from an internal Death Eater rivalry. Sirius' wand is traced as the source of the Killing curse that killed Peter- guilty. Remus is executed as soon as his Lycanthropy is detected (possibly by anonymous tip from a certain Potions master). James recovers from his coma weeks afterwards. Lily seems really broken up about Remus dying- more than James.

Later investigation by Crouch Sr. reveals that Lily betrayed her friends Alice and Frank for the sake of her child. She's sent to Azkaban for eleven years (her conviction occurs in 1982).

James is stuck raising Harry alone, and falls into drunken depression over the loss of all his friends (also possibly pain-management a la Dr. House). Both James and Lily are labeled cowards in the press, and the Potter name is dragged through the mud.

Main story:
When Harry and Neville come to Hogwarts, Harry is a bit of a punk and Neville is the humble hero (his Gran kept him isolated at Dumbledore's insistence, but his self-esteem is higher overall since she has no doubts about his worth- and he has a proper wand from the get-go; cherry and phoenix feather). Despite these differences they bond on the Express and Harry takes on the role of Neville's bodyguard.

Can you imagine the fun with Snape vs. a fully-prepared son of James ready to declare a prank war in his first week?

1st year: With Neville's return to the magical world, Voldemort's return is inevitable. Harry has to deal with his father's reputation creating distrust for him.

2nd year: How desperate would Dumbledore have to be to hire a recently-sobered James as the DADA instructor while Snape is teaching as well? Is James' vendetta the reason people are being petrified?

3rd year: Sirius' and Lily's imminent release stirs up much trouble from the past, complicated when Albus hears from his pet prophetess that Voldemort will soon return with the assistance of a loyal follower, now free.

Bellatrix worked a wandless whammy on Lily for the last decade, programming her to enable Bella's escape; afterwards, Lily seems kinda broken and is placed in St. Mungo's long term care.

4th year: Albus arranges for the Tournament to assess the other schools and establish ties between them in the current generation. Fleur becomes a dividing point between Nev and Harry. Factions in the school begin to form around Harry, Nev, Draco and Cedric. In the chaos, Voldemort rises again. Harry wins over Fleur, causing a break with Nev.

5th year: more Voldemort-induced tension, ending when James sacrifices his life to save Neville. As Nev has fallen for Ginny, they mend their fences and ready their factions for the war to come.

etc.

(There are times when I think of myself as the conductor of train wrecks.)

FreakLord
05-10-2013, 01:09 PM
You're missing something quite important. Dumbledore and Grindelwald didn't want to dominate the Muggles out of some desire for power over them. The philosophy wasn't one of superiority but rather was essentially paternalistic: they believed that they could rule the Muggles better than the Muggles could rule themselves.

Dumbledore was more paternalistic thinking about the responsibilities to Muggles as their rulers. Grindelwald just wants the wizards to rule. That was the source of friction between them.


I'm trying to see if I could write an alive Lily/James story with Harry/Fleur, but it's ... being difficult. Any suggestions anyone?

James and Lily Potter are alive, maybe Neville is BWL (or there is no Voldemort). Harry grows up with the influence of Sirius. He is kind of your regular horny 14 yo with no maturity and a bit of talent. Enter Fleur, a hot 17 yo veela babe. Harry having a little extra willpower to overcome the allure, bets with someone that he can get into Fleur's pants. Cue, romantic madness. :sherlock:

Samus530
05-10-2013, 01:28 PM
Wow, thanks! Didn't expect my question to get such a response. Thanks!

I'd personally wanted to portray a failing marriage between Lily and James and its effect on Harry. If Harry will have his parents alive, he should have the good and the bad parts of it.

Perspicacity, I'm liking your take on the alive Lily/James. Do you mind if I take the basis of it and twist it?

EDIT: Just had another idea.

Post DH: Binn's words had more meaning that anyone could have predicted. Another Goblin Rebellion begins and Harry, Fleur and friends must fight for the most basic rights of all. Life, Liberty and Fraternity.

Ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions? I would appreciate any advice! Want to get my first HP story right after all. :)

FreakLord
05-10-2013, 01:47 PM
It could be interesting to see a world where Ariana Dumbledore never died, and Grindelwald and Dumbledore went on to create some sort of near-utopia where they ruled an empire of wizards ruling muggles, and actually improved quality of life for everyone. I'm not quite sure where the conflict would come in exactly - maybe Dumbledore and Grindelwald are getting too old, and looking to pass over leadership to someone. In comes Tom Riddle, etc.

1. Dumbledore and Grindelwald compromised on how to treat muggles and created a global wizarding empire with them as rulers. They could have achieved this by religious movement, everyone worshipping some Magical Goddess and believing that magic is might.

2. Anyone who has magic is a first-class citizens (like nobles in medieval times). Muggles are second-class citizens (like peasants in medieval times). If muggles produce a witch/wizard they will have a better life and the muggleborn will be first-class citizen.

3. Potters will be a powerful family what with Charlus Potter helping Dumbledore. James Potter with Sirius Black as his right hand will be running most of the British magical province. Lily Potter being the good hearted witch she is, forms a small peaceful movement to better the lives of muggles (maybe with secret support of Dumbledore).

There can be many interesting plots evolving out of the above.

Perspicacity
05-10-2013, 03:05 PM
Wow, thanks! Didn't expect my question to get such a response. Thanks!

I'd personally wanted to portray a failing marriage between Lily and James and its effect on Harry. If Harry will have his parents alive, he should have the good and the bad parts of it.

Perspicacity, I'm liking your take on the alive Lily/James. Do you mind if I take the basis of it and twist it?

Go for it. You (or anyone else) can do with it what you like.

arkkitehti
05-11-2013, 09:57 AM
1. Dumbledore and Grindelwald compromised on how to treat muggles and created a global wizarding empire with them as rulers. They could have achieved this by religious movement, everyone worshipping some Magical Goddess and believing that magic is might.

It's not very likely that muggles would simply accept being ruled by others for "their own good", and attempting it would inevitably lead to bloodshed. The question is how far would Dumbledore be willing to go to ensure that the wizarding rule is established (Grindewald obviously has no qualms with killing people). Would dosing all muggles with mind-altering potions be okay, or maybe using imperius to their leaders and lead by proxy? What kind of resistance movement there would be amongst muggleborn wizards to help their families?

V for Vendetta is definitely something that comes to mind as a reference.

E. C. Scrubb
05-11-2013, 07:50 PM
~snip~

Hell, you'd be better off visiting Spartan and Athenian history and the number of times someone either took or was given the authority of a tyrant, and they used it to change society "for the betterment of all."



Perspicacity, I'm liking your take on the alive Lily/James. Do you mind if I . . .

Go for it. You (or anyone else) can do with it what you like.

Isn't that quaint? Someone actually had the decency to gain permission for a story rather than ripping off another author.

Jormungandr
05-12-2013, 03:51 PM
No prank wars.

For the love of god, that juvenile shit is the bane of many indie!Harry fics.

Republic
05-12-2013, 06:47 PM
Its not like people aged between 11 and 17 are juvenile at all, right?

Perspicacity
05-12-2013, 07:15 PM
Its not like people aged between 11 and 17 are juvenile at all, right?

Nobody wants to read another insipid prank war. I think the only one I ever encountered that was mildly entertaining was in nonjon's You Did What? story.

Imariel
05-12-2013, 09:58 PM
Nobody wants to read another insipid prank war.

Nobody wants to read another one like they've been done so far. If someone has the ability and desire to make it work, I'd be all for it.

I once thought I'd never enjoy another alternate BWL, the Santi changed my mind.

However I admit, a prank war is something quite limited. I'll be exponentially more surprised than I was back then if someone manages to do it well.

Invictus
05-12-2013, 10:08 PM
@Fatality, harsh, but true. I did quite a bit of rambling, but the worst was, how you put it, the "wall of text", basic mistake in writing anything. English is not my first, portuguese is and sometimes I put an english speech in the way it would be in portuguese, and that is stupid. Sorry.
@Lungs, liked the way you answered, it sounds very cohesive.


Now addressing the ideias. A James\Lily Alive! fic doesn't appeal me very much. In my opinion the time Harry spent with the Dursleys is the most defining part of his life. And I think that Little Whinging is underused. Come on, Harry lived there 9 years and 6 summers and almost no fic goes past the Dursleys and at most, Dudley gang.


About time travel, go for it, sounds nice, but please, no dark! Harry. Not a fan of a Gobln Rebellion fic, we know too little about them, you could make their whole society, but it would be quite tricky. I know a fic did that, and very well at that. Don't remember the name though.


A nice Harry/Fleur idea from me: It would be the 5th year. Fleur should be having a hard time coping with life after school, there she was the queen, the alpha female. Her veela powers gave her popularity not that "oh poor me all men wants to rape me and only you harry knows me", yes she was desired and had unwanted advances, yes women were jealous, but so many popular hot woman passes for that. Her personality would be a mix between spoiled sweet (spolied but really a nice person) and alpha bitch.

She wants to be a healer, so she would go to Hogwarts as Madam Pomfrey assistant. Cliche I know, but is the only way I can think to place her there. Her parents won't be super rich or powerful, just wealthy. And she would have to deal at the same time with: the world not spinning around her anymore, living in another country, be independent for the first time and having real respomsabilities with grim consequences if she doesn't do her work really well. She would suffer a minor breakdown and while in it she would encounter Harry after his first detention with Umbridge. Harry being the guy with hero complex that he is, he goes after her. And they talk, and Harry sees that he likes her, he goes visit her as friends, and after the nightmare with Nagini and Mr. weasley he has a major breakdown and Fleur becomes his rock. He falls for her, and then it play his inexperience, his insecurities. But no major inferiority complex, that's ilder than the HP series.

A fic that is in first person, that starts with Fleur as the narrator, than passes to Harry as the main narrator, and then switch to Fleur sometimes. The crux would be how the relationship would change both, how would they woukd deal with the pressure, anger and drepession they both feel. Make that without much angst, not a Whiny! Emo! Harry or Fleur also. And also, how and why Fleur would recipocrate his feelings, and not just because he is Harry Freaking Potter. Despite just being that makes him badass. I would make Sirius like Wallace just because, and make him assume a paternal role, but Marauder style. The DA is something that I still don't know how to include in the plot. And her veela part, I want to make it something that she is proud of. And I don't want her as completely human either, some inhuman characteristics would be nice. Which? I don't know yet. So what you think? Ideas, criticism?

Russano
05-13-2013, 02:56 AM
Yeah but how do you use Little Whinging well? I'm trying to think all the ways people have even used it in the past and they are all terrible.

Harry runs into Hermoine early. Basis for a ton of stupid Harmony insta love crap and quite a few sister hermoine fics.

Harry finds some Asian martial arts dojo that changes his life. Ugh.

Harry makes a bunch of stupid muggle OC friends. What's worse than an OC wizard friend at Hogwarts? An OC muggle friend.

An older teenage Harry meets some punk muggle girl, bangs her, goes to some clubs, gets a tattoo, smokes some weed, and spend the rest of the terrible Indy fic you are reading being a master at Ancient Runes?

He reads at a library more? This happens quite a bit and it works, but its such a small uninteresting thing.


I'm not really sure how you are supposed to use Little Whinging. It's as boring a muggle community as you can get. None of the magic of the series happens there, even though I totally agree his Dursley life is a HUGE part of his character and vastly important.

What do you guys think is a good way to use Little Whinging...apart from Harry leaving it that is.

Invictus
05-13-2013, 05:28 AM
My god that was hilarious, really, and I agree. Little Whinging is a boring Stepford wannabee, and nothing should be changed in that.

And the dojo part, did someone really did that?My faith in humanity is lost. I hate Harry\Hermione, for me is a pairng that is solely made because she is by far the closest female in Harry life. And nothing else so that cuts it for me.

Harry Ancient Runes fic is too below everyone in this forum so may we never metion it again.

Muggle friend OC is out of question, there Harry is ferared as an Deliquent, so it should be idiotic that he finds "bestest buddies in the wholly whole world" there.

No, Little Whinging must be about how Harry views muggles, based on the place. It should not be about Little Whinging itself, but about Harry and how that place molded him. They are almost all the muggles that he met, specially after Hogwarts. How he views them? That should be interesting.

DrSarcasm
05-13-2013, 07:28 AM
I suppose a way to work Little Whinging in is not necessarily to change anything in regards to a dojo or OC Muggle friend, but rather to have Harry's experiences change how he views Muggles and Muggleborns. Like if he had always known that he was different than the people around him, better in a way. They couldn't make things happen if they really wanted like Harry could, etc. Hagrid showing up and confirming that it's true, that he can do magic, would just prove everything right and increase his dislike for Muggles.

It does sound like a set-up for a bad Slytherin!Harry fic, or at the very least an increase in similarities between Harry and Voldemort (which isn't necessarily a bad thing; I'd like to see an expansion on the 'same origins, mirrored paths' vibe between the two we had in CoS and HBP), but that doesn't have to be true. It could just make Harry more driven, more desiring to learn about the Wizarding World than his canon counterpart's half-interest. A sort of 'I've felt as if something was always missing, now I know what it is, time to find out EVERYTHING about it' mentality.

@Invictus: There's actually a lot of moments in the canonverse that we could have gotten Harry/Hermione. JKR herself said that it'd could have easily gone that way. It's more that Ron and Hermione were far too antagonistic towards each other while Harry and her got along just fine, with Hermione usually picking Harry's side over Ron's, and the fact that Ginny got practically no characterization and very few scenes with Harry prior to the end of the series, that runs the pairing.

Perspicacity
05-13-2013, 08:46 AM
What do you guys think is a good way to use Little Whinging...apart from Harry leaving it that is.

While escaping Dudley's gang, he stumbles upon a Deep One wearing a human veil. This sets Harry on a path toward realizing his Cthulhu animagus form. (Too bad that it's been done.)

A less silly and thread-topical way to use his Little Whinging time than the stereotypical dojo: have Harry take up fencing. It's arguably an equally demanding physical activity taxing reflexes, footwork, balance, coordination, etc., a lot of the same motions one might imagine commute into magical dueling in the HP magical world. Petunia could see paying for Harry's membership at the local fencing club (which provides club gear, so he wouldn't have to buy his own) as a way to get the spawn of her Freak sister out of the house for three or four afternoons a week. This early exposure fosters an interest in magical dueling and combat once Harry learns of his heritage. Harry, away from Dudley's influence, thrives in the environment.

Youth competitions would offer a plausible way to arrange for Harry and Fleur to meet prior to Harry's attending Hogwarts. They could see each other continually throughout the summers, etc., as they go through their school years, developing a closer friendship that eventually blossoms into something more, etc.

Immet
05-13-2013, 09:12 AM
If I was to do more with Little Whinging than just trying to get past it as quickly as possible, it would be just before 4th year so old enough but less angst, and it would be focused on how Harry is no longer a Muggle- he hasn't seen the films, hasn't heard the news, hasn't tried any of the drugs, he's used to magic solutions for simple things. He's trying to fit in, but completely failing.

There would be two obvious ways to take this. The first is a realisation that he is a wizard with a wizarding society- a push towards being more interested in magic and actually working at it rather than thinking of himself as being a Muggle with a wand. You can then shove in whatever political bullshit you want.

The second is that Harry starts to reconnect with the Muggle world. This would have to be careful to not just be a list of references and going on about how amazing Star Wars is (why is it always Star Wars? Why not something closer to the time like Biker Mice from Mars or Neighbours or Funhouse. By the way, I can't actually remember much of 1994 so those references may be 3 or 4 years wrong. I'm trying to remember now when Tamagotchi happened and completely failing. 1996?) It would have to be more character based- Petunia getting past her sister ignoring the Muggle world, Harry having to work at making friends rather than them coming to him (does Harry ever actually try to befriend someone who didn't introduce themselves to him or tag along with an existing friend?)

Ceebee
05-13-2013, 09:45 AM
Harry takes to riding around Little Whinging on a bike, finding joy, he decides to become a professional cyclist. Unfortunately for him, some kind of vague approximation to canon happens.

Fast forward a number of years, its post Voldemort and Harry can finally achieve his dream; using magic, cheat like a motherfucker and win the Tour de France. Something something Fleur is french so he gets french bitches something something.

A perfect idea!

Perspicacity
05-13-2013, 10:25 AM
Fast forward a number of years, its post Voldemort and Harry can finally achieve his dream... cheat like a motherfucker and win the Tour de France.

How is this different from canon Tour de France?

Invictus
05-13-2013, 10:40 AM
@Cebee, best crack fic I've read in months.
@DrSarcasm, I can't truthfully answer that because I am biased. I don't like Hermione very much, her personality annoys me sometimes and I think that many people just like her because she is Emma Watson. I wanted a different girl as romantic interest, someone as, I don't know how to put it, as "awesome" as Harry, someone that wouldn't be on his shadow. And what we've got? Canon! Ginny, that must have been the biggest fuck you since Ronald Mcdonald swore vengeance on the cows of the world.

dmacx
05-13-2013, 10:50 AM
A less silly and thread-topical way to use his Little Whinging time: have Harry take up fencing. It's arguably an equally demanding physical activity taxing reflexes, footwork, balance, coordination, etc., a lot of the same motions one might imagine commute into magical dueling in the HP magical world. Petunia could see paying for Harry's membership at the local fencing club (which provides club gear, so he wouldn't have to buy his own) as a way to get the spawn of her Freak sister out of the house for three or four afternoons a week. This early exposure fosters an interest in magical dueling and combat once Harry learns of his heritage. Harry, away from Dudley's influence, thrives in the environment.

Youth competitions would offer a plausible way to arrange for Harry and Fleur to meet prior to Harry's attending Hogwarts. They could see each other continually throughout the summers, etc., as they go through their school years, developing a closer friendship that eventually blossoms into something more, etc.

This is more than a little plausible. Is it okay if I run with this one?

Don E. Delivery
05-13-2013, 11:03 AM
How is this different from canon Tour de France?

The funniest statement I've read on here in months. Truly a scholar, Monsieur Pers. Kudos to Ceebee for the idea, as well. I must ask, however, does Harry have to lose a nut to become champion? Deus ex machina?

Perspicacity
05-13-2013, 11:06 AM
This is more than a little plausible. Is it okay if I run with this one?

Go for it. I suspect that Harry, scrawny as he is, would probably do foil, maybe epee. Definitely not saber. Fleur could do any weapon, though she favors epee in my mind-canon.

Basilisk
05-13-2013, 01:03 PM
I've always wanted to read a story where Harry takes part in pro duelling. This premise of yours is very interesting Pers. I'm hoping someone can make something of it!

Halt
05-18-2013, 10:29 AM
There's an H/F thread on DLP? Clearly I must lurk MOARRR!

On a thread related note, I am writing an H/F (titled Magnate, never really got past the 1st few chapters and what little I've written now under revision again). I am trying to figure out how to get the two paired up realistically.

Basic premise of story:
World without prophecy. Voldemort running rampant and his threat level has been considerably upped. HP gets sent to Durmstrung as a result. Death (of someone, probably his parents) later on will force him to grow up and become independent very fast, esp. with a younger brother to take care of.

Will eventually become about his goal to become rich (No inheritances and what not. I fully intend to try and build his wealth from zero...near zero anyway). And, of course, what's a story without a good Voldemort killing somewhere in the middle?

Thoughts? Criticisms? I know you guys have been dying to unleash your inner frustrations. Consider this an opportunity.

Perspicacity
05-18-2013, 10:58 AM
There's an H/F thread on DLP? Clearly I must lurk MOARRR!

De-lurk more. We need more stories.

On a thread related note, I am writing an H/F (titled Magnate, never really got past the 1st few chapters and what little I've written now under revision again). I am trying to figure out how to get the two paired up realistically.

Basic premise of story:
World without prophecy. Voldemort running rampant and his threat level has been considerably upped. HP gets sent to Durmstrung as a result. Death (of someone, probably his parents) later on will force him to grow up and become independent very fast, esp. with a younger brother to take care of.

If you pair them as adolescents, you have the age difference to contend with. Fourth-year stories have a 14 year old Harry and a 17/18 year old Fleur. While three years is nothing between adults, it's a chasm at that age in maturity, both physical and emotional, and you'll be fighting this no matter what you write. (In U.S. high school terms, 4th year fics are the equivalent of a Freshman male dating the super-hot Senior female. It's theoretically possible, though highly improbable.) I cheated in Dagger and Rose by time-turner abuse, advancing Harry's age a year and a half, but this was a pretty hackneyed cop-out at the time. This whole age thing is a tired and overdone conflict that I think is best avoided if possible.

An option, given that in your world there is no prophecy and you're traipsing pretty far outside of canon, is to make Harry a few years older than his canon self, similar to how it was handled in the fic Knowledge is Power by Oblong/SerpentSannin/Fettucini/MrJoe. This means you can write a straight-up AU with a believable Harry/Fleur that isn't bogged down by age-difference baggage, freeing you to write a more interesting and less contrived romance than the norm in this pairing.


Will eventually become about his goal to become rich (No inheritances and what not. I fully intend to try and build his wealth from zero...near zero anyway). And, of course, what's a story without a good Voldemort killing somewhere in the middle?

How about letting Voldemort take over and then have magical society adapt to a new dreary norm, rather like Cuba after Castro's rise or Russia under Stalin? You could have the Potters be declared blood traitors and have their assets seized by the state. It'd be a believable way to send Harry from riches to rags. Also, if you aren't setting Harry in opposition with Voldemort, then why not just explore the idea of what magical society would look like under his rule for a decade or two? We got a taste of things in Deathly Hallows, but that could well be a transitory period as Muggleborn were systematically purged from society.

Also, if possible, don't make it a steady climb out of impecuniousness for Harry. Having him lose his small fortune again and again and pushing him back to the brink of being destitute will make the eventual triumph that much sweeter when he finally does get there (similar to Rothfuss's protagonist). Perhaps Harry's being poor is the major impediment to his seriously pursuing Fleur, as her family (like all old families) is very status-conscious in the new regime. Harry's family's blood-traitor designation may work against him here, particularly if the Dark Lord's reach extends to France and much of the rest of Europe.

Thoughts? Criticisms? I know you guys have been dying to unleash your inner frustrations. Consider this an opportunity.

You're more likely to get constructive criticism. We all want more new, good stories to read.

Edit: remembered the story name.

Fatality
05-18-2013, 04:09 PM
Perspicacity's idea sounds pretty cool. Kind of reminds me a bit of the Skitterleap, although there are obvious differences. Writing that kind of massively AU dystopian wizarding world can be difficult though, so if you wanted to write a story where the war against Voldemort is still ongoing and the world is more similar to canon you could have Harry be some sort of war profiteer. Sort of like Tony Stark in Iron Man 1, pre-Afghanistan.

Harry is an obviously talented wizard so he's being pressured to choose a side and fight against Voldemort or whatever, but that doesn't really work in his best interests because he wants to sell shit to both sides and prolong the war. Not sure what he'd be selling - maybe he hired the twins and has them creating stuff. Or he has a monopoly on healing supplies and whatever other shit Aurors need. Fleur could be the Pepper Potts to his Tony Stark, or the Order has assigned her to tempt him to their side or something.

Or (going back to massively AU here) you take this thing international and have the war be between England and France, and Fleur is Harry's French counterpart and they are literally direct enemies and competitors trying to outdo each other. That could be pretty interesting. Voldemort could be French too if you changed his back story a little bit and his name is already French, so...

To be honest, I just watched Iron Man 3 recently and I really want to see a Harry who's personality is similar to Tony Stark. That would be pretty freaking awesome, if hard to pull off.

Also, I agree with Pers in that 17 year old Fleur and 14 year old Harry is pretty lame. Either have them older, or change someone's age in whatever you end up doing.

Invictus
05-18-2013, 10:15 PM
You could drawn inspiration from the Lord of War movie. A great movie. Harry and Yuri could be a lot like. But instead of losing everyone and become devasted, he flip the table. And Badass shit happens! Really, if you haven't seen the movie, download it or rent, Just see it.

Your plot and Lord of War already seems similar to me. Much more than Iron Man. But a mix with insanely talented, arrogant, witty and simply awesome Tony Stark with deadpam snarker, cynic, black comedian and amoral Yuri Orlov would be simply, awesome. Too freaking awesome.

Halt
05-19-2013, 02:57 AM
I agree that the age difference thing is a problem. However, when I posted a rough draft of Magnate some time back in WbA, I got some criticism for upping Harry's age.


If you're going to do an altered timeline, there has to be a good reason - if it's just to try and make the story more 'unique', or if there's no reason behind it, and it's just a 'guided through a hoop' story component, don't bother.

So is upping his age to make it easier to write H/F "guided through a hoop?" Honestly, I don't even know what that means...

I'm setting my ambitions a little high for this project. It's going to be international; a good part of Europe will be involved and then some. I think I should give some more details to what I had in mind to explain.

Fatality was close to what I had in mind - war profiteering. However, instead of weapons, I was thinking the potions trade (ingredients wise, not brewing stuff) might be feasible. I'm pretty sure finding ingredients will become increasingly difficult for the average wizard given the war and its associated crimes (looting, pillaging, arson, etc.).

Reason two, Voldemort's threat level has been upped and Britain has been torn in two. I'm almost certain others would follow his lead in other countries with a little support from the Dark Lord. Blood purity can't be a purely British problem, can it? I'm of the opinion that magical Britain is a reflection of magical kind in general (well, for 1st world countries, anyhow.)

Reason three, Harry goes to Durmstrang. Long and short of it, Hogwarts is unable to take in new students for awhile. In my original draft, it was because of ICW politics that forced them to turn away new students (lack of Staff members to teach, as well as increased volume of students due to destruction of other British schools). This will probably mean tons of OC - something I'm going to have to deal with, I suppose, given the already grand scale of the story I'm planning - and that many of his friends/contacts will be spread across the continent.

Harry Potter with Stark's attitude. That would be epic. Makes me curious though as to what kind of experience a child might have to go through to become as arrogant as Stark. Being a genius was what did it for Stark, right?

Lord of War, isn't that about a guy who sells weapons and then shit hits the fan?

Perspicacity's suggestion about a Voldemort ruled society sounds interesting, but now what I had in mind. If my original idea is unworkable though, it should be a good alternative.

Invictus
05-19-2013, 06:35 AM
Basically Lord of War is about how a guy, Yuri Orlov, played by Nicolas Cage in his best (by far) role, goes from a a poor ukranian immigrant in the US to become the biggest private arms dealer in the world.

He is a snarky motherfucker. When someone points a MP5 against him, he offers to sell them a silencer to the gun. He is complete amoral. He sells guns, he is insanely good at it and he knows it. When he falls in love with a model he nearly bankrupts himself by organizing a fake photo sessions and pretending to be a millionaire to get to know her. 3 years later and when they are getting married he is more rich than what he was pretending.

The problem is, his world falls apart because while he doesn't care what people do with the guns he sells, his family does. And he loses them all. He has a wicked black sense of humor, he doesn't give a fuck to anything and he is very good at what he does. For what my opinion is worth, you should really see it. I highly recommend it.

Is someone going to use the Harry fencer plot? I want to give it a shot. Loved the potential. Personally I wouldn't make Harry older, because Fleur being older is half the fun. Like someone said, the shy freshman getting the ultra popular senior girl is highly unprobable, but In Harry We Believe! Also, is there a fic where Harry is the Perfect English Gentleman? You know, extremely classy, highly cultured and the epithome of stiff upper lip?

Basilisk
05-19-2013, 09:43 AM
Is someone going to use the Harry fencer plot?

I'd seriously like to try it, but I'm quite sure I'll never finish nor post anything so eh. Anyway, it's up for grab, so go ahead and give it a shot!

Invictus
05-19-2013, 12:26 PM
I don't know if this has been discussed before, but I didn't see it in while skimming through, so here it goes. If the story is being cannon complient, should Fleur accent be written or would it be better to just say she has a thick french accent?

Halt
05-19-2013, 12:45 PM
From what I recall, apparently having a slight accent makes her "sexier"

Perspicacity
05-19-2013, 12:53 PM
I don't know if this has been discussed before, but I didn't see it in while skimming through, so here it goes. If the story is being cannon complient, should Fleur accent be written or would it be better to just say she has a thick french accent?

While JKR wrote her with a thick accent, she was a minor character in the series. This is impossible to read if she has more than a handful of lines in a story. At most, use phonetic spellings sparingly in a H/F story.

Russano
05-19-2013, 12:53 PM
I don't know if this has been discussed before, but I didn't see it in while skimming through, so here it goes. If the story is being cannon complient, should Fleur accent be written or would it be better to just say she has a thick french accent?

I was wondering this myself, because in my opinion the entire reason I ship Harry/Fleur is that fucking accent.

But I've heard some people don't like it so I'm not totally sure. I'm also curious as to how you go about writing her accent. What letters are you supposed to leave off? How do you change it from normal? Does anyone have experience with French accents?

and for those who've written Fleur wtih an accent before, is it a pain to write?

Perspicacity
05-19-2013, 01:03 PM
A little goes a long way. Sub out the occasional "This" for "Zis" or "There" for "Zere", drop the occasional "oui" or "non", and the occasional "Muzzer", and it's sufficient. The point is not phonetic precision so much as giving the impression of a French accent to the reader, who will fill in the rest in his or her mind. Readability of a story is more important than precision with which you render the accent.

Fatality
05-19-2013, 01:22 PM
Pers is spot on here, in my opinion. You don't want to make her dialogue a chore to read or write. Keep things subtle enough and people will read it with a french accent.

Also, I'm a big fan of Fleur pronouncing his name without the 'H'. I mean, sexy French pronunciations of your name are pretty much one of the most amazing things ever.

I think I need to go to France again...

KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!
05-19-2013, 01:27 PM
Yeah, it should definitely be written. Fleur's accent is quite heavy, even in HBP and DH.

These two quotes together are a good basic example of her accent nuances:

"I was so please to ‘ear you would be coming - zere isn’t much to do ‘ere, unless you like cooking and chickens. Well - enjoy your breakfast, 'Arry!"


"What do I care how 'e looks? I am good-looking enough for both of us, I theenk! All these scars show is zat my husband is brave!"

Russano
05-19-2013, 01:43 PM
Would you guys switch every word that started wtih a "th" to a "z"? Or just some. Zat, zeir, zem, zey.

Trying to think of longer words that would be affected. Zeatre? Zimble. Zatch. Yeah that doesn't feel like it works to me. So just the some small common words then?

KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!
05-19-2013, 01:47 PM
Keep it to the small common words.

Thaumologist
05-19-2013, 02:12 PM
Also, avoid idioms.

List of examples (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:French_idioms) of French idioms, which you could try translating literally, and have people confused by.

Taure
05-19-2013, 02:29 PM
I think skipping h sounds is more important than the th->z transformation when it comes to depicting a French accent.

Glimmervoid
05-19-2013, 03:16 PM
Also, avoid idioms.

List of examples (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:French_idioms) of French idioms, which you could try translating literally, and have people confused by.
Sounds like a lot of work. I'm more a have a hair in one's hand kind of guy.

Basilisk
05-19-2013, 04:07 PM
"Muzzer"

What is that suppose to be? I'm french and I don't even...

Anyway, most french have difficulties with 'H' as in Harry (H at the start of a word is considered mute and is not pronounced) and the 'TH' as in the (they tend to either pronounced it as De or Ze or Te).

Otherwise, I don't think there is much more.

Russano
05-19-2013, 04:16 PM
What is that suppose to be? I'm french and I don't even...

Anyway, most french have difficulties with 'H' as in Harry (H at the start of a word is considered mute and is not pronounced) and the 'TH' as in the (they tend to either pronounced it as De or Ze or Te).

Otherwise, I don't think there is much more.


Grandmuzzer? Like the part in GoF where she shows Ollivander her wand. How else would you write it?

Basilisk
05-19-2013, 04:26 PM
Grandmuzzer? Like the part in GoF where she shows Ollivander her wand. How else would you write it?

I think the 'z' thing is overrated. It would probably be something more like moder and grandmoder. Might seems stupid, but like I said TH is quite hard to pronounce for french native and while T is too blatant of an error, they will settle for a sound resembling 'D'. Same thing for 'THE' and 'THEY'. I've never heard of anyone saying ZE and ZEY; and I have suffered through 7 years of english class with french people.

Worst case, someone will try to accentuate the TH sound because they know they have difficulty with it and sound completely retard saying Thhhhe and Thhhhey.

Russano
05-19-2013, 04:30 PM
I think the 'z' thing is a bit overrated. It would probably be something more like moder and grandmoder. Might seems stupid, but like I said TH is quite hard to pronounce for french native and while T is too blatant of an error, they will settle for a sound resembling 'D'.

I've read some stories where she said grandmudder rather than grandmuzzer. Do you prefer the D over the Z? How consittent are French accents from word ot word.? Do you use both sometimes? Does one person tend to do one more than the other?

How close is JKR's portrayal to real accents. If it's off then can her "imperfect" accent be apart of Fleurs character?

Basilisk
05-19-2013, 04:56 PM
I've read some stories where she said grandmudder rather than grandmuzzer. Do you prefer the D over the Z? How consittent are French accents from word ot word.? Do you use both sometimes? Does one person tend to do one more than the other?

How close is JKR's portrayal to real accents. If it's off then can her "imperfect" accent be apart of Fleurs character?

To be honest, I don't really care when I read them because I don't actually read the word. If I was actually pronouncing it in my head every time I would prefer the 'D' over 'Z' because that how I and most were saying it before learning the proper sound for it.

As for consistence, I'd say really consistent. The accent is all over the place because they still pronounce the letters as they would in french (I'm talking about french knowing english but not speaking regularly).

Here's a video about a french girl reading english word compared to american accent https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39IVNt_zqKg

If you look at 1:37, she's going to read a question. Look how 'THE' becomes 'D'
Same thing at 2:30 THE sun becomes DE Sun

Russano
05-19-2013, 05:49 PM
To be honest, I don't really care when I read them because I don't actually read the word. If I was actually pronouncing it in my head every time I would prefer the 'D' over 'Z' because that how I and most were saying it before learning the proper sound for it.

As for consistence, I'd say really consistent. The accent is all over the place because they still pronounce the letters as they would in french (I'm talking about french knowing english but not speaking regularly).

Here's a video about a french girl reading english word compared to american accent https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39IVNt_zqKg

If you look at 1:37, she's going to read a question. Look how 'THE' becomes 'D'
Same thing at 2:30 THE sun becomes DE Sun


Is it wrong that I find that girl twice as hot based entirely on her accent? How the fuck Hermoine and Ginny are supposed to compete with that, I have no idea.

But what you notice about that video is that every word said feels totally different. That feels like a totally difficult thing to convey. Do peoples brains fill in the accent for you? What if you aren't familiar at all wtih French accents.

DrSarcasm
05-19-2013, 06:50 PM
Back to the arrogant Harry, if you are going the genius route like Tony Stark, it's a bit more than just being a genius.

Tony is more than just a genius. He's a freaking prodigy. Age four he built his first circuit board. Age six, his first engine. And he graduated summa cum laude at age 17 from MIT. That alone would put him ahead of practically everyone (Harry would have to have at minimum Dumbledore+ level skills in school).

But a rapid climb like that has a price. Constantly being applauded by your teachers, being far more intelligent than your peers, and skipping grades like they were nothing would not endear him to others of his age-group or class level. He likely never had a friend in his entire life, without which he wasn't nearly as grounded as any of us would be. That is what caused most of Tony's arrogance: Nobody to keep him grounded, and no challenges worth mentioning at any point of his life, allowing him to do a bit of easy quick work for the company and party the rest of the time.

A Harry equivalent of this path would have him displaying great skill in an extremely early age, with him spending one or two years at Durmstrang before graduating, and then if the post-school schooling (Mastery?) is implemented, graduating at that early, beating everyone in his class by far and setting a new record score--possibly with some Academic equivalent of an Order of Merlin, all before the age of 17 (the point being he does this all before the age of majority).

E. C. Scrubb
05-19-2013, 07:02 PM
Nobody wants to read another insipid prank war. I think the only one I ever encountered that was mildly entertaining was in nonjon's You Did What? story.

I don't know, I think Jbern did a decent job of it as well in TLIL. Of course, he weaved it into the larger plot to help drive the storyline rather than being a distraction.

---------- Post automerged at 04:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:56 PM ----------

I think skipping h sounds is more important than the th->z transformation when it comes to depicting a French accent.

Makes it a lot easier to read that way as well. Then, if you want to show the accent deepening out of fear or excitement, add the 'z' for the 'th' in an exclamation.

DrSarcasm
05-19-2013, 07:02 PM
Probably the best way to have a 'prank-war' is to have it going on in the background. Like you get occasional moments of Harry or Fred/George carrying various supplies back from Hogsmeade, or during a conversation you hear a bang off in the distance and later see Malfoy covered in feathers. Less of seeing it front-and-center, and more of having just something that the characters are doing in their off-time. At least if you are just blending it in for flavor.

Russano
05-19-2013, 07:27 PM
Yeah I think I'd prefer any pranking to be done in the back ground or severely limited.

The more subtle you can make the whole thing the better.

What I really hate are those scenes where everyone is in the great hall, something happens, and suddenly Malfoy is the victim of some "outrageous" prank. He runs off humiliated. Harry and his friends laugh. The whole school laughs. But you can almost feel the author laughing uproariously and he turns to the read and goes "You think this is funny too right?"

But it's not. They were trying way too hard.

God I hate it when that happens. So if you're gonna do a prank do it subtle, and do it well.

If it desolves into a "prank war" you probably stopped being subtle, or stopped being funny.

Fatality
05-19-2013, 07:29 PM
A Harry equivalent of this path would have him displaying great skill in an extremely early age, with him spending one or two years at Durmstrang before graduating, and then if the post-school schooling (Mastery?) is implemented, graduating at that early, beating everyone in his class by far and setting a new record score--possibly with some Academic equivalent of an Order of Merlin, all before the age of 17 (the point being he does this all before the age of majority).
Yeah, Harry's school life would probably be not too dissimilar to that of the one in the Santi's BWL if not more prodigious. Top of his classes, skipping grades, published advances in various fields of magic.

Durmstrang works well because it means he doesn't have history with any of the canon characters and their interactions can show the seperation between him and his peers rather than if they'd all gone to school together. Plus if his parents are still alive it would show the distance between them, that they'd sent him off to a school in another country.

One problem I'm seeing is what it would be Harry's actually selling. Wizards don't really need more than their wands to fight. Potions supplies are possible, but to show Harry's true genius you'd want to have him inventing things. I kind of had a thought that he might be enchanting/runecrafting/charming (whatever you want to insert here) weapons of mass destruction that allow ordinary wizards to do acts of magic on par with Dumbledore and Voldemort. Give Harry a sort of Prometheus complex, and some resentment that he's as talented as someone like Dumbledore but not as powerful.

That would create a lot of conflict around the amount of power Harry wields and the destruction his weapons are causing, and I imagine it would attract Voldemort's attention. He wouldn't like ordinary wizards to be able to match him.

Otherwise I'm not really sure what he'd sell. I imagine commerce can be difficult in a world where people can conjure things.

On the topic of pranking (for the record, I'm against it in most forms in HP fiction), one problem I always have is when the pranks makes people do something embarrassing against their will. Like they get up and dance in front of the entire school, or Malfoy confesses his feelings for Goyle, etc. It's extremely prevalent in some stories, and I can't help but be bothered by how similar it is to the Imperius curse. I guess it must be some sort of compulsion, but you have to wonder why one way of making people do something they don't want to is illegal while another isn't.

One day I want to see a fic where Harry charms Malfoy to kiss Goyle in the middle of the Great Hall, and then the next day Aurors show up and lead him off to a year in Azkaban or something.

Russano
05-19-2013, 07:30 PM
Why does he have to sell something? I mean yeah that would make him more Tony Starkish. But I thought it was more about Tony's character and personality rather than occupation.

Fatality
05-19-2013, 07:43 PM
The original post I was replying to was asking for ideas about a Harry that was obsessed with trying to make money during the war against Voldemort, and I based my reply around that.

I was more interested in a pre-Afghanistan Tony Stark specifically, who sold massively destructive weapons and was completely unashamed about it. His scene with the journalist interviewing him (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvwHppI95K0) at the beginning of Iron Man 1 is essentially the character I was going for. So yeah, he kind of needs to sell something to go for the whole war profiteering angle.

Russano
05-19-2013, 08:04 PM
Ah, I see.

One question I have thats somewhat related to Harry/Fleur.

In GoF during the tournament, the other two schools come to Hogwarts during the year. Both schools appear via some travelling method, and what seems like 20? or so students, but certainly not their whole school. Now my question is, how do these students "learn".

Only 1 of them actually competes and the rest are kind of just there. Do they attend classes at all? The French have those carriages that they stay in. Do they have some sort of special tutor that covers all their classes? Do they portkey back to the school for classes? Do they use the old Sirius Mirror McGuffin? (I've always hated that. We see a piece of magic that is essentially a skype video chat and it never appears anywhere else in the world.)

Maybe you write them as going to class at Hogwarts for the year, as part of the multicultural experience? Maybe you have them bring the entire school teachers included, then have them take classes inside the carriages/ship?

How do you guys write that sorta plot hole? Also on that note, how do you guys think the big ship got in the lake? and since I forgot; Do the foreign students eat their meals at hogwarts? I don't remember.

pdo91
05-19-2013, 08:35 PM
Going back a few posts, because I simply had to bring attention to this:

Also, avoid idioms.

List of examples (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:French_idioms) of French idioms, which you could try translating literally, and have people confused by.

Idiom: avoir le cul bordé de nouilles
Meaning: to be lucky
Literal Meaning: to have one's bottom stuffed full of noodlesAh, the language of love.

Halt
05-19-2013, 09:20 PM
Harry Potter goes to Durmstrang...and doesn't have friends...

That's going to be difficult to write.

redshell
05-19-2013, 10:35 PM
Maybe you write them as going to class at Hogwarts for the year, as part of the multicultural experience?

This is the most logical of the various methods that I've seen. While translation charms don't exist in canon per se, it's not unreasonable for them to exist, so they could simply sit in on equivalent classes with those up.

How do you guys write that sorta plot hole? Also on that note, how do you guys think the big ship got in the lake? and since I forgot; Do the foreign students eat their meals at hogwarts? I don't remember.

On the subject of Durmstrang's ship, there might be some sort of channel that feeds to/from the lake into the ocean, which they simply traveled up.

They do, although I'm not entirely sure if it's simply for occasions like the feast for when they got there, or they join the Hogwarts students for everyday meals as well.

Basilisk
05-19-2013, 10:41 PM
Is it wrong that I find that girl twice as hot based entirely on her accent? How the fuck Hermoine and Ginny are supposed to compete with that, I have no idea.

But what you notice about that video is that every word said feels totally different. That feels like a totally difficult thing to convey. Do peoples brains fill in the accent for you? What if you aren't familiar at all wtih French accents.

Just remove the H :P It will be easier and everyone will fill in the rest as they imagined it. Their imagination will probably be wrong, but hey it doesn't really matter.

As for the accent...I think the english accent is sexier. Must be a french thing.

-----

As for money, I'm not quite sure of what you could do there. We don't have a lot of examples where one can make money in the wizarding world, so you'd actually need to develop some kind of economic system for that. The only thing I could think of is food, which can't be conjured. Or to actually make money into the muggle world and exchange it at Gringotts.

You could make Harry invent some kind of grenade/bomb which he sells to the muggle or any other kind of service actually (plastic surgery - transfiguration, drugs - potions, etc.). The product or services get popular and soon Harry is hailed as a genius/star/billionaire...but it also attracts the attention of the ICW who pursue Harry because he is going against the law and threatening the statute of secrecy.

Warlocke
05-19-2013, 11:08 PM
I think skipping h sounds is more important than the th->z transformation when it comes to depicting a French accent.Yeah, you can leave the 'Z's out... except that dropped 'H's are a part of many different accents; then, your brain makes the eventual connection to Hagrid's dropped 'H's.

Then, you start reading Fleur with Hagrid's accent. :fire"Mon dieu! Yer a great wizard, 'Arry, but we shouldn't 'ave done this." Fleur groaned, fretfully scrubbing the fingers of one hand through her tousled hair, while attempting to retrieve her knickers from the chandelier with the other. "I 'ave a 'usband! If anyone finds out, we are skrewt!"
When you start reading Fleur with Hagrid's accent, you get drunk to kill the feeling of violation.

When you get drunk, you post something embarrassing on Dark Lord Potter and wake up, later, in a roadside ditch.

Don't wake up in a roadside ditch. ;)

Edit: Is it wrong that I find that girl twice as hot based entirely on her accent? How the fuck Hermoine and Ginny are supposed to compete with that, I have no idea.Ginny undoubtedly agrees, which is why she directly references this when she accuses Harry of liking it when Fleur calls him, "'Arry."

Saot
05-19-2013, 11:09 PM
What I really hate are those scenes where everyone is in the great hall, something happens, and suddenly Malfoy is the victim of some "outrageous" prank. He runs off humiliated. Harry and his friends laugh. The whole school laughs. But you can almost feel the author laughing uproariously and he turns to the read and goes "You think this is funny too right?"

But it's not. They were trying way too hard.
And half the time they're just bullying the entire Slytherin house with no justification beyond that Malfoy is somewhat unpleasant, and not only does no one see anything even slightly wrong about that, the teachers even encourage it.

redshell
05-19-2013, 11:51 PM
Malfoy is somewhat unpleasant

Calling Malfoy somewhat unpleasant is like saying a tornado destroying your house is somewhat inconvenient.

While the comparison is unfair, Malfoy's actions go beyond, in my opinion, schoolyard bullying/rivalry.

Russano
05-20-2013, 12:18 AM
And half the time they're just bullying the entire Slytherin house with no justification beyond that Malfoy is somewhat unpleasant, and not only does no one see anything even slightly wrong about that, the teachers even encourage it.

I imagine there'd be some Slytherins being hit by pranks who hate Malfoy more than anyone in the school.He's such a giant asshole everyone lumps the Slytherins together.

Warlocke
05-20-2013, 01:09 AM
I guess it must be some sort of compulsion, but you have to wonder why one way of making people do something they don't want to is illegal while another isn't.*cough* Date rape drugs openly sold as 'love potions' in large displays at Weasley Wizard Wheezes. *cough*

Yeah; good question. Those kinds of pranks are almost always part and parcel of shitty storytelling, but if there's a bright side, it's that it is consistent with canon. Imperius = bad. Love potion that also robs you of your free will = good.

I could go on, but this Tarantallegra spell is making it a fucking bitch to type.

Invictus
05-20-2013, 01:45 AM
I would never write a prank story. But that's a culture problem. Here in Brazil we don't prank people, except when they are friends, and close ones. The closest thing we have here to school pranks are "trotes" something that the upperclassmen do to the freshmen when they are accepted in the university. But that shit is nasty, many don't want to be pranked but are obliged. The nicest things they do is painting someone hair and make them eat grass. The nastiest? People have to roll on animal shit and drink until pass out, and sometimes, people die.

Being myself a freshmen at Veterinary School I saw how scary is when people you don't know start pranking you, it can be terryfying. You don't know them, you can't trust them and who is gonna make them stop? Scary. I consider myself lucky because my upperclassmen were awesome and never made do anything. But I'm still really scared of what they could do.

While I do find the pranking thing amusing in the books and I love the Twins, to me prank in real life is teo steps behinf bullying. You can prank your friends, but pranking as revenge? That's low, really low.

wolf550e
05-20-2013, 03:40 PM
hazing ≠ pranking

Samus530
05-20-2013, 05:04 PM
EDIT: Adopted Invitus' suggestions and criticisms.

I said before that I was going to attempt an alive James/Lily story. But when the idea of Harry being like Tony Stark popped up, inspiration came down like lightning and allowed me to write 1,500 words. What I've written up so far would be half the first chapter and I wanted to know what you guys think. Good, bad, terrible, has potential, suggestions, criticisms, etc. This is my first Harry Potter story so forgive me if I make a mistake regarding canon.

This is my view of Harry like Tony Stark with some future Harry/Fleur. I have some future plot points in mind, but I want to see the reception first. If it's promising, I'll post a wba threat and begin work on it.

Never the less, here goes. Chapter 1 of Zenith

Initus

Floo Ingress Station, Ministry Atrium, June 15, 1994

One, click. Two, click. Three, click. Four, click.

Harry James Potter paid no attention to the irritated people staring at him, only focusing on the fascinating little device in front of him, created by himself of course. His bright green eyes were riveted on the inner complexities of his latest whim, analyzing the wooden surface for any cracks or malformations that may have developed during the manufacturing period.

Harry sighed as he turned his invention on, causing every light in the room to be collected inside his wooden Deluminator. His invention would have seemed to work to an untrained eye, but Harry could easily tell that the stresses of multiple light sources were proving too much for the wood to handle for any practical length of time. He shut the device off, sending the lights back to their original position.

“Testing indicates that the current material is not viable for mass-production. Sample E when placed under stress splits along the grain, dramatically shortening product life and amount yield.” Harry muttered to himself, ignoring the negative effect he was having on the people around him. “Derived conclusions reveal that using a coating ...”

“May you please stop, Mr. Potter?”

Harry's eyes flashed over to the speaker, a man with a red face and wearing a Ministry badge. Harry quickly sized the man up and turned back to his current curiosity, judging the man to be not worth the effort of being condescended to.

“ … of Spello-tape adhesive combined with a touch of powdered unicorn horn will prove to be the most effective solution as spells interfere with the sample's ability to hold multiple sources of light at once. Result: Null Deluminator remains viable, but requires further testing.”

“Mr. Potter!”

Harry sighed and looked at the same man, who had gotten closer to him in a futile effort to communicate with. Harry put his pet project away, straightened his green dress robes and replied, “Yes, Mr. … ?”

The man reddened even more as he replied, “Rivers. Andrew Rivers. Junior Auror, member of your security team while you are here at our Ministry.”

“Ah, yes, Mr. Rivers. I remember you. Tell me, what is so important that you so rudely interrupted me?” Harry asked lightly, looking at the man straight in the eye.

The auror replied, “You are making a disturbance and I must ask you to stop at once for the benefit of the rest of the guests.”

Harry chuckled and stood up, his five foot eleven frame looking small in comparison to Andrew's six foot one frame.

“Why, is that true, Mr. Rivers?” Harry replied, slapping the Junior Auror on the back.

The sixteen year old turned to the remaining inhabitants of the room and asked gently, “Am I truly being such a bother?”

Two other men and a woman glanced at each other, each having a silent conversation between each other. They were each wearing fancier robes than the average warlock, but they were nothing compared to Harry's.

“Well, Mr. Potter, your … discussions were interesting...” the first man began hesitantly, unsure of how to approach the issue and not annoy Harry who had the means to enact financial revenge on his company.

Harry's eyes brightened in good humor as he replied, “Why, thank you, Mr … what was it, ah, Maxwell. I was afraid that you would have said ramblings. After all, it would have been such a shame that a incredible mind such as mine would fall to ravages of time so soon. I still have seventy years left before I go barmy and I wish to live them to the fullest.” Harry chuckled in response to his own reply.

“What was the device you were working on?” the woman replied suddenly. Harry surmised in a second that she was a secretary to Mr. Maxwell due to her submissive nature to the man in question. “Is it another product that you are planning to sell in the near future?”

Harry continued to smile as he removed the prototype from his robes and replied, “This here is the prototype for a Deluminator that, although has the same capabilities as Albus Dumbledore's original one released to the public in 1987, is much cheaper than the metallic ones currently on the market. The reason? It's made of wood.”

“That's impressive” one of the security guards replied, not moving his sight from the single door in front of him. “Wood, despite its versatility, has its limits in regards to power. ”

“That's true” Harry replied triumphantly, glad that someone could recognize his brilliance. “Wood has served as an ideal catalyst for flux transfer, but its limits on power output has prevented Wizarding kind from fully reaching our magical potential. With this invention, it is possible that within my lifetime that we could overcome Yanglond's Power Rule of Wood.”

“In society, the Null Deluminator will cut down production costs and prices in the market. This will increase market efficiency and thus free up money to be used to develop new products that will help increase our standard of living.” Harry finished, holding up the Null Deluminator for the three people to see.

“Is it finished? It looks complete and it doesn't look that complicated.” the third man asked, looking at the Deluminator.

Harry sighed, yet another man who fails to see the magnitude of his accomplishments. “Unfortunately, no. More testing needs to be...”

The door opened behind the four businessmen, admitting a tall, blonde haired man wearing aristocratic robes and a small cane. His face was chiseled by his upper class upbringing and his grey eyes barely spared a glance at the middle class populace before setting his eyes on Harry.

Harry's eyes brightened as the new arrival entered, the last man the occupants were waiting for. “Lucius!” Harry exclaimed, completely ignoring the man he was just talking to. “It's good to see you again!”

Lucius nodded and replied, “It is good to see you again, Harry.” The man and the teenager extended their hands, shaking each other in greeting. “How goes your company?”

Harry grinned at the question. “Just splendid, Lucius. I'm about to reveal the latest version of my products and demand has never been higher. I'm having trouble supplying all of my customers on a timely basis.”

“That is a good sign, Harry. People want your product which means they want you.” Lucius stated, looking down at his feet, frowning. With a snap of his fingers, a ratty looking house elf appeared, trying his best to remain unthreatening.

“Dobby! Where are the documents I specifically requested for Mr. Potter?” Lucius harshly declared, looking at the house elf with contempt and anger.

“Dobby shall get documents for Master.” the house elf said croakedly, summoning the documents from Mr. Malfoy's study. With a tremble, the elf gave them to Lucius who looked through them before glancing back down at Dobby.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Get back home!” Lucius snarled. The house elf quickly followed his Master's orders, leaving the room free from his presence.

Harry looked at Lucius with a questioning gaze. “I though you got rid of him?” the teenager asked lightly as he accepted the documents from Lucius.

"I'm afraid that familial obligations prevented me from doing so." Lucius said lightly.

Harry hummed in agreement as he glanced through the documents detailing future corporate alliances with the House of Malfoy. “I was just stating my surprise. That Elf almost killed me during my last year at Durmstang with a rogue Bludger trying to 'protect me' from something or other. Like what, Voldemort?” Harry ignored the shiver that came from everyone around him except Lucius. “He's been dead for thirteen years. Despite what Dumbledore is trying to say.” Harry said darkly.

“I'm surprised you're complaining about the venerable headmaster, Harry. His words help your profits.” Lucius replied lightly.

“His delusions have a negligible effect on my profits and only my own actions and your support have helped me reach the financial state I'm in now.” Harry replied, absently signing the documents before handing them back to Lucius. “Besides, there is no evidence for his claims except for isolated events that are easily explained away.”

Lucius opened his mouth to reply again, but Andrew Rivers beat him to it. “Gentlemen, it's time”

Harry and Lucius glared at the man for interrupting them, but complied, standing next to each other in front of the door leading out to the Ministry Atrium.

“You ready?” Harry replied, not looking at his original financial backer.

Lucius gave an imperceptible nod. "Of course. I've been doing this since your parents were born. You?"

Harry was silent for a moment. "Of course. I'm always ready."

The two men stepped out into the Ministry Atrium, the entrance way into the British Embassy. They were standing at one end of a very long and splendid hall with a highly polished, dark wood floor. The peacock-blue ceiling was inlaid with gleaming golden symbols that were continually moving and changing like some enormous heavenly notice board. The walls on each side were paneled in shiny dark wood and had many gilded fireplaces set into them. Normally, every few seconds a witch or wizard would emerge from one of the left-hand fireplaces with a soft whoosh; on the right-hand side, short queues of wizards would form before each fireplace, waiting to depart.

However, today, scores of wizards and witches crowded around a small empty aisle way free for the two business tycoons to travel through. Hundreds of signs were raised, each displaying various pictures of Harry or the symbol his company used as its trademark. A circle inscribed in a triangle which was bisected by a line.

Harry raised his hands and waved as he and Lucius walked through the crowd, smiling at all of his customers before him. The outrcy was tremendous. For in front of them was a prodigy, a genius who had done incredible things at such a young age.

Harry smirked and continued walking down the aisle way, soaking in all of the attention directed at him. He loved this, being at the heart of attention, being the man of the hour, he craved this. He had reached this point all by himself, with the only noticeable exception being Lucius's starting capital he had be given to start his company.

As he walked through the aisle, the crowd screamed questions at him.

“Mr. Potter, where do you think your company is heading to in the coming years?”

“Who would you credit for your successes in the business world?”

“What do you have to say about the ICW's efforts to restrict and regulate your company on grounds of international security?”

"What do you have to say about allegations accusing you of war profiteering?"

"What is your opinion on the rise of the Pureblood movement in Western Europe?"

"The thirteenth anniversary of your defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named is fast approaching. Do you have any words to say about this?"

Harry paid no attention to his roaring fans as he and Lucius reached the end of the line where two men waited for them. One of them was wearing relatively simple robes, but his body language screamed pompousness and arrogance. The man's beady little eyes looked at the two business tycoons, almost naked greed and pride gleaming in his gaze.

The second man was dressed in much more outlandish clothes, bright purple in color. His white hair and bread were long and the man's eyes twinkled in a way almost nobody could do. However, behind the man's blue eyes lay a veneer of seriousness, of concern and … regret?

Harry turned his smile towards the smaller, beady eye man and replied, “Thank you for the honor, Minister. I am grateful for your hospitality.”

Minister Fudge smiled back and replied, “It is no trouble, my boy, to honor such a well known and successful businessman such as yourself and Mister Malfoy.”

Lucius merely nodded and turned to Headmaster Dumbledore, “Albus, I did not expect to see you here today. What brings you out of Hogwarts?”

Dumbledore chuckled and replied lightly, “Oh, nothing at all. Merely the curiosity of an old man,"

Harry's eyes narrowed as he took the Headmaster in. Liar. Just a social visit wouldn't necessitate leaving his job at Hogwarts. He had to be on ICW business to be able to leave his school. And considering the event today... it was about his company and their attempts at restraining him. Damn it.

Harry's mind was torn from its thoughts when two hands grabbed his shoulders and guided him to a side seat. Harry glared at Dumbledore angrily and replied, “You didn't have to do that.”

“Why of course I did, my boy. You wouldn't have wanted to miss the introduction to your own Order of Merlin Third Class now would you?” Dumbledore replied grandfatherly, gesturing to an open seat in between Lucius and Dumbledore's own. Harry accepted the seat grudgingly and leaned back as another man walked up to the podium to begin the presentation.

Fin

And there is the end point of what I have written. So, thoughts? Suggestions? Criticisms?

Thanks!

Invictus
05-20-2013, 07:10 PM
Hey like I said, culture diferences. I had no idea what hazing mean. And really, while the "trote" isn't mereley pranking, it's not pure hazing. A mix o fboth, since many people like it. But to us here, is the closest we get to pranking.

"commoners"
Nagh, reminds too much of racial problem. Even peasants is better.

"a man red in the face and wearing average clothes and a Ministry badge "
Bad. Better: a man with red face wearing a Ministry badge

"but those eyes, despite how bright they were, contained an inner darkness and amorality that you shouldn't find in someone so young."
Are we in Dresden Files? Eyes are expressive, but you can't see someones soul like. And the way you wrote is like fom a really bad fic. Cut it.

"If I am, that would be terribly rude of me"
Change it.

"Mr. Potter" "Mr.Malfoy" and then out of the blue: "Lucius" "Harry". If you wanted to show they are close, don't star with last names and simply change it for no reason.

"I would have if Draco hadn't been so stupid as to insult the owner of the main House Elf provider in Britain.” Lucius answered bitterly, no doubt annoyed with his son's actions, “Now I can't get one until the owner sees fit to allow me back!”
So OOC that mey eyes hurt.

"You ready, old man? Wouldn't want your pimp cane to do all the work”
Really? Insult banter after so much dialogie with none? Again, be more consistent.

"I bet your wife is as well in bed. Tell me, how far can she bend?”
That's not friendly insult, that's freaking heavy. And again, why? Consistency problem. This one should be cut. And also, Tony isn't vulgar, why should Harry be? A vulgar Harry can be good, but you didn't write him like that.

"He could distinctly hear several girls moan at his body and how they wished that he would show his bare chest"
Freaky and horrible. Cut it.

“Is it true that you slept with Quidditch star Melinda Barns?”
A reporte can't ask that to a 16 year old ina damn press coference. That's fucked up.

“Oh, nothing really Lucius. I merely wanted to see the young prodigy again.”
Not heavy OOC, but it's definitely not old Dumbles dialogue.

I would give it a 3, after the changes 3,5. Definitely needs polishing. You are grasping Tony personakity quite well, a little more and he would be a great character. But the others are bad, realky bad. Work on them before everything else. And like O said, consistency. Ypu are really lacking.

Jormungandr
05-20-2013, 07:17 PM
Yeah, you can leave the 'Z's out... except that dropped 'H's are a part of many different accents; then, your brain makes the eventual connection to Hagrid's dropped 'H's.

Then, you start reading Fleur with Hagrid's accent. :fire"Mon dieu! Yer a great wizard, 'Arry, but we shouldn't 'ave done this." Fleur groaned, fretfully scrubbing the fingers of one hand through her tousled hair, while attempting to retrieve her knickers from the chandelier with the other. "I 'ave a 'usband! If anyone finds out, we are skrewt!"
When you start reading Fleur with Hagrid's accent, you get drunk to kill the feeling of violation.

When you get drunk, you post something embarrassing on Dark Lord Potter and wake up, later, in a roadside ditch.

Don't wake up in a roadside ditch. ;)

Edit: Ginny undoubtedly agrees, which is why she directly references this when she accuses Harry of liking it when Fleur calls him, "'Arry."

Fuck you for ruining head-Fleur for me, Warlocke! :p Now that shit's going to haunt me.

On the accent:

Do a mix of both; keep some key words, such as Harry's name (as "'Arry'") as phonetically written, throw in a few obvious French words such as "Oui" and "Non" over yes and no, and just plop in the narrative text that he loves the way she rolls her r's, or something.

"Oui, 'Arry," Fleur said, grinning toothily. "Kinky sex in ze garden shed sounds good, non?"

Samus530
05-20-2013, 07:21 PM
@Invictus: As I said, this is my first time writing Harry Potter and I frankly expected that score. I don't have the characters down yet. I'll edit it when I get the chance (on my phone right now).

I'm still interested in continuing this. Thank you for the suggestions. Any more help would be appreciated.

EDIT: I've edited the story. Go take a look.

Invictus
05-20-2013, 11:09 PM
An much better. Without a doubt at least a 3,5. The story is too short to have a real feeling but you certainly can write a good story. Looking forward for more.

Fatality
05-20-2013, 11:27 PM
Just a problem with your timeline, Samus (unless your AU has mixed up some of the dates): Harry Potter was born in 1980, yet you said he's sixteen and it's only 1994. Also you said the 13th anniversary of his defeat of Voldemort was coming, so he should be about 14 (which fits with it being 1994).

Anyway I think what you have is pretty good. One problem is that tone isn't conveyed very well through text so your Harry comes off a bit overly formal. Using words like "splendid" probably didn't help. Maybe just work on your phrasing.

Also, your character is arrogant and narcissistic like Tony Stark, but it isn't coming off as well. Stark does it in a kind of mocking way, whereas when you write about how Harry craves the attention of the cheering crowd it kind of comes off more like mini-Lockhart.

I don't know if I properly expressed what I meant but regardless I'm hoping to see more (especially your take on Fleur).

afrojack
05-21-2013, 12:06 AM
I could go on, but this Tarantallegra spell is making it a fucking bitch to type.

This made me wonder if one wizard ever murdered another with the Tickling Charm or something. All you have to do is disarm the person and you can literally suffocate him to death in one of the most humiliating/disturbing ways possible, with what is perhaps the most harmless spell taught at Hogwarts.

Sorry for the randomness.

Samus530
05-21-2013, 08:35 AM
Just a problem with your timeline, Samus (unless your AU has mixed up some of the dates): Harry Potter was born in 1980, yet you said he's sixteen and it's only 1994. Also you said the 13th anniversary of his defeat of Voldemort was coming, so he should be about 14 (which fits with it being 1994).

Anyway I think what you have is pretty good. One problem is that tone isn't conveyed very well through text so your Harry comes off a bit overly formal. Using words like "splendid" probably didn't help. Maybe just work on your phrasing.

Also, your character is arrogant and narcissistic like Tony Stark, but it isn't coming off as well. Stark does it in a kind of mocking way, whereas when you write about how Harry craves the attention of the cheering crowd it kind of comes off more like mini-Lockhart.

I don't know if I properly expressed what I meant but regardless I'm hoping to see more (especially your take on Fleur).

I changed his age so he was born in 1977 and his seventeenth birthday is only a little more than a month away. I believe that being in a corporate position such as the one Harry is in required an age boost. I mean, a 14 year old as a CEO? At least be close to his majority (17). Plus I didn't want to deal with the whole age gap with Fleur.

I see. Hmm, I'll play around with the tone and phrasing to see if I can make Harry a bit more informal.

I also see your point. I can write arrogant and narcissistic, but I'm not very good at mocking. Probably will need a little help with getting Harry's character completely nailed down.

Fleur... IMHO, I've got some interesting things planned regarding Harry and Fleur's interactions.

Thanks! :) I'm really interested in continuing this so I'm going to ask if anyone is willing to beta my work. I need help in fleshing out a very nebulous plot and making sure I don't screw up my characters like I did in my first draft. :facepalm. That was terrible.

Once I get the first chapter completed, I'll make a Wba thread. I won't post it on FF until it is complete.

Halt
05-23-2013, 12:55 PM
My attempt at an Orlov-Stark mix in Harry. For those who've watched Lord of war as well, I'd appreciate any comments. I think my portrayal is a little too much Orlov, but I can't rightly say. Judge for yourselves.

Also, I have a thread in the WBA but its inactive and most of what I've posted there I've planned to edit out. Should I just start up a new thread or continue posting in the old one?

I have decided that Rio is a lovely place for sightseeing. I am almost convinced that Brazil has the largest colony of Veelas in the world if the women on the beach are anything to go by.

Without removing my eyes from the glorious scene, I tip my glass slightly towards my lips, letting a pint of the bubbling liquid into my mouth. I take a moment to savor its taste. For some reason, it reminds me of Sprite, the muggle beverage, only a tad less sweet.

I hear a scoff besides me. That would have to be my companion, Vladimir.
I spare him a quick glance and find him scowling for the umpteenth time in the past hour.

“Problem?” I ask with a touch of faux concern, placing my glass on the table in front of me.

“Must the meeting really be here?” replies a scowling Vladmir. His eyes trail towards the sky for a moment and his scowl deepens as a result. I don’t think he’s enjoying the beach as much as I am.

I take a good long look around us, letting my eyes linger on a particularly attractive blonde, before replying to my Russian friend. “I don’t see what’s wrong.” I say with an all too innocent smile. I know exactly what’s bothering him, of course, having known him for years now.

Vladimir glares, not at me though. “You know why.”

“Live a little, Vladi.” He wrinkles his nose distastefully at the name. “We’re in the beaches of Rio. With your charm, you could land any bird that you want. What’s not to like?”

“When you’ve reached my age, Harry, women do not appeal as much anymore.”

“Your gift is lost on you.” I shake my head sadly. “Well what about the buildings then? Don’t you have a hard on for old architecture?”

“I’ve travelled all over the world. I’m not that easy to impress.” says Vladimir, grabbing at his own glass and taking a sip of champagne. He makes a face as he swallows hastily. “Damn it! Even the alcohol tastes like shit.” he whines.

I roll my eyes at him. “Stop being a pussy about it, Vladi.”

“It’s show time.” I tell him, spotting a pair of shady looking men coming at me. Wizards have no sense of discretion, no matter where they are it seems. I find myself mildly disappointed at that, considering the nature of the business I am in.

“Mr. Potter?” One of them asks. His voice is laced with a heavy Argentinean accent.

“I trust you men had the good sense to charm yourselves from notice?” Vladimir asks. His tone is condescending, and even though I cannot see his face, I’m positive he’s sneering as well.

“Ugh…” The man’s intelligent reply is not encouraging.

I can hear Vladimir muttering about the general incompetence of wizards. I give my wand a little wave and soon our little group is, for all intents and purposes, invisible. We might as well have been part of the beach.

I give them a critical gaze. “Who the hell wears robes to a beach? No, scratch that. Who the hell wears robes on a day like this?” I ask, raising a brow at them. They bluster under the surprising line of questioning. I take the opportunity to place my wand back in its holster.

Vladimir is giving them his patented “Are you a moron?” look. To their credit, they don’t seem too fazed by it.

The two decide not to answer my question after recomposing themselves, and instead hands me a piece of cloth. I take one look at it and know that it’s a portkey. The question, of course, is where it’ll take me. Vladimir and I share a glance. I can tell that he thinks it’s reckless of us to accept the portkey without question.

Naturally, I grab the cloth impulsively. A moment later, Vladimir’s hand is in contact with it as well. One of our acquaintances says the activation phrase. It’s in Spanish.

The world around us begins to spin. Actually, that’s grossly inaccurate. My mind knows that it is actually the portkey which is spinning, and by extension, us. At some point, the revolving accelerates to a speed that forces our feet to lift off from the ground. This continues for exactly sixteen seconds before I sense that my feet are back on solid ground.

It takes me a while to reorient myself. Taking portkeys always did leave me in a slight daze afterwards.

My vision settles, only to find myself facing the business end of someone’s wand.

“Nice wand,” I comment laxly in Español, surprising her. “Do you have a holster for it?” The witch who’s holding the wand seems bemused by my casual reaction. I give her a cheeky smile, and her grip slackens a bit. “I’ve got a beautiful holster right here, enchanted it myself.” My eyes snake down her neck, even as her wand is pointed right at me. Is it disturbing that seducing the ravishing specimen before me is higher than survival on my list of priorities right now? Probably.

“Anti-theft, anti-summoning, an activated disillusionment feature,” I tick off the functions in one hand, “and it’s got a draw speed of point zero two five seconds.” I flick my wrist deftly to demonstrate, and the wand suddenly appears in my hand. It causes her to tense, and I point it down non-threateningly. “It relies on a nifty switching enchantment that’s activated by motion.” I explain, seeing her curious look.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

A glance confirms my suspicions. It was the sound of unconscious bodies smacking into the ground. Vladimir’s less than stellar mood has gotten the better of him, much to the misfortune of the three wizards near him.

I snap into action, grabbing at the witch’s wand arm and forcing it down, causing her severing curse to hit the ground harmlessly. Meanwhile, my other arm finishes up a complex motion that causes a magical shield to split the room in half.

“Down boy!” I wag my finger at Vladimir patronizingly, like a dog that’s too eager. He lets out a deep guttural growl and bares his very sharp incisors for the rest to see, but he backs down. Nonetheless, I feel the witch try to pull away, trying to put as much distance between herself and Vlad.

Did I mention Vlad was a vampire?

I turn to the witch and her two remaining companions, giving them an apologetic look. “Sorry about my friend over there.” I jerk a thumb at Vlad, who’s retreated to a corner of the room. “He gets rather irritable when people point their sticks at him. Is this how Argentineans normally greet people?”

The remaining conscious wizards have the decency to look sheepish, and lower their wands. The witch tries to pull back her hand, but I hold on a little longer then appropriate, enjoying the contact. “The name’s Harry Potter, at your service.” I give her a dazzling smile, which she feebly returns, before I let her hand drop to her side.

I turn to look at her companions. “What can I do for you today?” I ask, my question directed to their group in general now.

Their leader takes a step forward to distinguish himself from his cohorts. “Good day, Mr. Potter. I am Juan Rodriguez. The people I represent have grown…unhappy with the cur-” He manages to get that much out with his mangled English before I interrupt him.

“Frankly, I don’t give two knuts what you want to do with my merchandise.” And I honestly don’t. “Who you want to kill is your business. What you want to kill them with is mine.”

“Perhaps you could, how do the English say it? Ah…show us the goods first?” Vladimir is instantly besides, moving at an inhuman speed, and the man takes a step back, startled by the action. He really shouldn’t be so frightened. The shield that I am holding up prevents either of us from killing each other.

I’m handed a glove by my assistant, and I insert my left hand into it, before raising said hand for everyone to see.

“It’s a glove.” points out the witch, a frown gracing her features.

“This glove is also the reason why three of your compatriots are unconscious right now.” I smirk at the look of surprise on her face. “This is my personal response to CQC scenarios.”

“CQC?” Juan repeats, unfamiliar with the term.

“Close Quarter Combat.” Vladimir grunts out for their benefit.

I pointedly ignore them and continue with my sales pitch. “This baby releases controlled bursts of magical concentration on impact.” I slam my open palm into the shield which I am still holding up, and watch as some lightning fizzles out of it. “A hit is enough to temporarily faze a giant or knock a man out.”

“Don’t you have anything more…substantial?” asks Juan, trying to pry out some of my more dangerous stock.

“I doubt you could afford the good stuff.” I’ve had history with selling weapons to rebels and terrorists before. They have a habit of trying to kill their suppliers. The nice ones simply make collecting the money hell, so I take more care of who I sell to nowadays.

“We’re paying you in ingredients, Mr. Potter. Argentina has quite a number of resources which can fetch a handsome sum on the market.”

Potions ingredients? Those were in high demand in Europe these days. I’ve made a fortune selling them. I still do, in fact.

“Vladimir, bring out the Jericho.”

Samus530
05-23-2013, 01:46 PM
@Halt: Interesting. I like it. Harry definitely seems to be apathetic and amoral towards what his product is used for. He also has a womanizing quality and touch of dry humor that fits him very well.

There is a distinct lack of context and background so far, but since this is the very beginning of the story, that's perfectly excusable.

I would definitely add some more narrative description about the settings and the character's appearances. There is little to no elaboration over what things look like which IMHO definitely needs to be there.

I would give this story around a 3.5/5 if I were to rate it now Good, with a nice take on Harry's character, but lacking in narrative description. More story is necessary for a proper rating.

BTW, I posted half the first chapter of my take on a Tony Starkish Harry earlier in the thread. What do you think about it? Since we have similar stories, we could work together and help each other out.

Invictus
05-23-2013, 02:26 PM
Really nice, I love Orlov. I would also give a 3,5. I don't think an Argentinian accent makes sense, and spanish one would make more. Also, I think Argentina is yoo boring, Peru, with Sendero Luminoso, Incas and a part of Amazonia is muuuch more interesting. And they have dragons! And a great quidditch team, I know, I know, wtf?!, right, Peru seems to be the only South American country Rowling likes.

Halt
05-23-2013, 02:38 PM
There is a distinct lack of context and background so far, but since this is the very beginning of the story, that's perfectly excusable.

Actually, this was a scene I had in mind for somewhere in the middle of my story. I had planned to begin with his schooling and how his personality becomes the Orlov-Stark I am aiming for.


BTW, I posted half the first chapter of my take on a Tony Starkish Harry earlier in the thread. What do you think about it? Since we have similar stories, we could work together and help each other out.

I liked what you've written so far, but too little to accurately judge with. I'd say up Harry's humor a notch in the next few chapters. He comes off as arrogant, which is a true enough word to describe Stark. (Keep in mind, I'm basing off of my impression from the movies here). However, he's also pretty funny, has some sweet one liners and (pre-afgahnistan) was a playboy.

Adding some innuendo into Harry's dialogue or actions will also help get that Tony Stark feel.

I'd say pre-afgahnistan Stark is a little careless as well, and likes to live in the moment. His concern for politicking was nonexistent at the time, leaving Obadiah Stone to handle it.

Your Harry seems quite suspicious of Dumbledore off the bat, so there's some history there that the readers don't know of. I'd suspect that, for his age, he'd just let Lucius Malfoy take charge of the politicking as well so he has more time to invent stuff.

Those are just some initial thoughts I have on how to make Harry more like Stark for your story.

The Deluminator bit was nice too btw. But I sincerely hope that the breakthrough there will lead to cooler stuff.

I'd give you a 3.0 for what's been written so far, but like what has been said. Too little to judge with right away.

Samus530
05-23-2013, 07:59 PM
.

Actually, this was a scene I had in mind for somewhere in the middle of my story. I had planned to begin with his schooling and how his personality becomes the Orlov-Stark I am aiming for.



I liked what you've written so far, but too little to accurately judge with. I'd say up Harry's humor a notch in the next few chapters. He comes off as arrogant, which is a true enough word to describe Stark. (Keep in mind, I'm basing off of my impression from the movies here). However, he's also pretty funny, has some sweet one liners and (pre-afgahnistan) was a playboy.

Adding some innuendo into Harry's dialogue or actions will also help get that Tony Stark feel.

I'd say pre-afgahnistan Stark is a little careless as well, and likes to live in the moment. His concern for politicking was nonexistent at the time, leaving Obadiah Stone to handle it.

Your Harry seems quite suspicious of Dumbledore off the bat, so there's some history there that the readers don't know of. I'd suspect that, for his age, he'd just let Lucius Malfoy take charge of the politicking as well so he has more time to invent stuff.

Those are just some initial thoughts I have on how to make Harry more like Stark for your story.

The Deluminator bit was nice too btw. But I sincerely hope that the breakthrough there will lead to cooler stuff.

I'd give you a 3.0 for what's been written so far, but like what has been said. Too little to judge with right away.

Thanks!

I'm working on adding humor to his character, but I can't crack a joke to save my life. I'll do my best. Also, considering he's sixteen, I thought the innuendo's would be inappropriate and that he should not be a playboy.

I do plan on making Harry a bit careless and in the moment. We'll see.

There is a little history between Harry and Dumbledore that I haven't got into yet. Lucius is Harry's Obadiah. He does handle a lot of the intricacies that Harry has no patience in handling.

The Deluminator Bit? I do have plans for future things involving that breakthrough. It's not complete though so don't expect much from that in the future.

It is a bit small, something I'm trying to rectify. Thanks for the opinion!

---------- Post automerged at 06:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:26 PM ----------

Zenith's first chapter has been completed and a Wba thread has been posted. Here is the link.

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?p=636385#post636385

Thanks!

---------- Post automerged at 07:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:21 PM ----------

Here is the last part of chapter 1. The first part can be found on the previous page.

EDIT: Modified the introduction to remove hints of the custody battle

“Harry James Potter,” the man began, instantly quieting the crowd. “was born on July 31st 1977 to James and Lily Potter during their sixth year of Hogwarts. A prodigy from a young age, he performed his first act of accidental magic at seven months and made his first potion at age three. The elder Potters loved their child and did their best to provide for him in a time of war against He Who Must Not Be Named,”

Harry's parents appeared on the screen, smiling gently and holding a three year old Harry, who was triumphantly holding a potions bottle. Harry could remember that day when he managed his first potion. His parents had been so proud.

“Then tragedy struck and the elder Potters were killed on October 31st 1981, a few months after Harry's fourth birthday by the Dark Lord. He Who Must Not Be Named then turned his wand on Harry Potter, but the Killing Curse failed. The Dark Lord was defeated and Harry Potter became the Boy Who Lived.”

A picture of a young Harry Potter appeared, smiling widely next to a younger Lucius Malfoy in front of Malfoy Manor.

“Harry Potter was then taken into the care of the esteemed Lucius Malfoy and shined underneath his care. At the age of eleven, Harry went to Durmstang for his education.”

“And that was where Harry Potter truly bloomed into the man he is today. May I present to you, the head of Potter Industries, Harry James Potter!”

Harry got up, straightening his robes and smiling at the crowd who roared as the teenager made his entrance on to the stage.

“Thank you!” Harry replied, trying to remember what he was supposed to say. What was it? Lucius was supposed to go over this with him. Whatever. He'll wing it like he does most things.

“I would say a lot of things about today's award and how thankful and honored I feel about receiving this Order of Merlin, but I'm sure that's copyrighted somewhere,” Harry grinned as the crowd chuckled. “So I don't think I'll stick to the cards this time” More laughter.

“As you know, my company is preparing for the reveal on the latest line of our products. I'm sure that everyone is excited for my reveal or else my marketing department slept on the job” Harry replied, chuckling.

“But of course, I couldn't have been here today without Lucius Malfoy. Please give a round of applause!”

The crowd clapped for Lucius who got up and approached the podium. As he did so, Harry leaned in and whispered to Lucius. “You remember the specifics?”

Lucius merely stared at him and said softly, “Of course I do, Harry. You're the one who has me do the dirty work,”

Harry grinned and replied, “I have you do the boring work. See you later, I'll be home.” Harry backed away from Lucius and waved again as he exited the stage, his mind already tuning out the ceremony he had just been a part of. Time for some fun stuff.

It didn't even cross his mind that he forgot the award the ceremony had all been about.

Daily Prophet
Young Prodigy graces Britain's prescence

Just this afternoon, business tycoon Harry James Potter, 16, returned to the country of his birth and was greeted by a standing ovation of the few witches and wizards who were personally able to see the celebrity.

Harry Potter proved most thankful and humble over the award he received toady, feeling “thankful and honored” over the award.

Mr. Potter also continued to hint at the revealing of the latest line of Potter Industry products whose hype has been growing for the past two months. This reporter is most eager to see what amazing innovations this young genius brings.

Lucius Malfoy was also present at the ceremony, giving the public more information about the current goings of Potter Industries. Before the Malfoy scion left, he had these words to say.

“I'm honored that Harry places me in such a position of trust. He's a brilliant child and one that I'm glad that I raised to be the person he is today”

The future of Potter Industries looks bright and private donations to the company are expected to rise.

In other news, French authorities continue to deny the existence of a rumored terrorist group operating within their borders...

Fin

Thoughts?

Invictus
05-24-2013, 04:17 AM
So, I'm thinking about writing a fic, and I need what you guys think about the way I want to write both Harry and Fleur. I want her to be a Classic Byronic Hero. Like Stark, House and others. A Byronic Hero per se is someone extremily talented, arrogant, lonely, cynical and sarcastic. He also is a rebel, against society and everything., he is moody and prone to brooding He has his own code and many times hi is bitter. He also has an Dark and Troubled past.

As you can see, a Byronic Hero is very common nowadays, specially TV. They usally are men, atound late 30s to late 40s. I never saw a true Female Byronic Hero, and I thought Fleur would make a fantastic one. Harry would be counter foil to her, he will be extremily hard driven, confident but above all, a man with a objective that refuse to give up his morals.

I wish to write him with a behaviour akin to a britsh gentlemen, specially the stif upperlip thing, so wonderfully written in Invictus. But above all, I want his main inspiration to be Sophie Scholl's speech, "I choose my own way to burn" and Jack London's "I would be rather ashes than dust". I want him fearless, unbowe and loving every second of life. I know it sounds paradoxical, but I want to believe I can pull it of. The gentleman thing would be the surface, I like too imagine him behaving like Alfred in Justice League, a master deadpan and classy as shit.

The fencing would be more to build this personality and the confidence that Harry really needs.

The clash of these two opposites world views, for me, have a lot of potential. And I'm also thinking about adding an OC, his femcing teacher, to be the opposite of Dumbledore. An Übersmensch in all of his glory, akin to Captain Wolf in Seawolf.

Edit: And just saying that to me fleur is like young Diane Kruger, she is german, so almost french, classy, beautiful and very sexy.

Halt
05-24-2013, 10:01 AM
Invictus - Go write something then. Even just a random scene, which epitomizes your vision of the story, can do wonders for the process (IMHO).

E. C. Scrubb
05-25-2013, 08:30 PM
So, I'm thinking about writing a fic, and I need what you guys think about the way I want to write both Harry and Fleur. I want her to be a Classic Byronic Hero. Like Stark, House and others. A Byronic Hero per se is someone extremily talented, arrogant, lonely, cynical and sarcastic. He also is a rebel, against society and everything., he is moody and prone to brooding He has his own code and many times hi is bitter. He also has an Dark and Troubled past.

As you can see, a Byronic Hero is very common nowadays, specially TV. They usally are men, atound late 30s to late 40s. I never saw a true Female Byronic Hero, and I thought Fleur would make a fantastic one. Harry would be counter foil to her, he will be extremily hard driven, confident but above all, a man with a objective that refuse to give up his morals.

I wish to write him with a behaviour akin to a britsh gentlemen, specially the stif upperlip thing, so wonderfully written in Invictus. But above all, I want his main inspiration to be Sophie Scholl's speech, "I choose my own way to burn" and Jack London's "I would be rather ashes than dust". I want him fearless, unbowe and loving every second of life. I know it sounds paradoxical, but I want to believe I can pull it of. The gentleman thing would be the surface, I like too imagine him behaving like Alfred in Justice League, a master deadpan and classy as shit.

The fencing would be more to build this personality and the confidence that Harry really needs.

The clash of these two opposites world views, for me, have a lot of potential. And I'm also thinking about adding an OC, his femcing teacher, to be the opposite of Dumbledore. An Übersmensch in all of his glory, akin to Captain Wolf in Seawolf.

Edit: And just saying that to me fleur is like young Diane Kruger, she is german, so almost french, classy, beautiful and very sexy.

It sounds like you're taking Harry's personality, adding a few things to it, and putting it inside Fleur, then transferring Post DH Neville and putting inside Harry (or, at least how I invision post-DH Neville).

I'd think about keeping Harry more rebellious and emotive, and let that be the central conflict between the two of them. Then use a third character for the stiff-upper lip, classy character. There'd have to be a world of explaining for me to accept Harry in the context you've put him in. Either that, or it'd be AU to the point that it's really your storyworld with a couple borrowed characters names and general backgrounds.

Invictus
05-26-2013, 10:23 AM
Harry's personality does resemble a Byronic hero a few times, but they are fundamentally different. Harry broods and has some angst? Yes, but he isn't defined by that, he isn't a genius nor arrogant, so no, I'm not putting Harry personality inside Fleur. You could argue that I am putting Tony's personality in her and I would agree partially. An also, no sane person would say canon! Harry is bitter, cynical or lonely.

I am doing that because I feel that canon! Fleur is at first shallow and then nothing more than the woman that love's Bill. She should be the champion because she is the best in her school, not because JK wanted to show how Harry can melt shallow bitches hearts.

So I want to add an AU personality to her, that would make her very compent, add conflict to her and Harry's relationship and make me able to write scenes with her that don't rely on Harry. Since guys here are writing Byronic Harry, I want to make it different from them. Plus, I never saw a female character written that way, I want to see if I can pull it of.

Now, Harry is a very nice guy in cannon, and he have his deadpann moments, but I want to take him to another direction. He had no major mentor figure in his life until he met Dumbledore. Amd look how Dumbledore influenced him! So I wan to add a new one, one that appears when he is young, like 7-8 years old.

He would change Harry behaviour and outlook, but not his core. And being a fencing master, and a war veteran, I imagine that making him classy, magnificent bastard, strongly influenced by Nietzsche and his Übersmench, could change Harry. Make him more confident, more strong willed and by constantly challenging Harry's ideals, make them even stronger. Make Harry also have a more realistic world view, less inocent, more jaded.

And the fencing matches and tourneys would do that. They would give Harry a bigger world knoledge and experiece. He wouldn't be more just the little boy under the cupboard. He would be someone with ideals and beliefs, strong ones that were tested repeatedly by the mentor figure. I plan to make the mentor an Spanish, not only a fencer but also a swordsman, old, a veteran from the Spanish Civil War.

An later in the story, introduce Dumbledore and his views, the redemption and more pacific ones. I want him to give the two wolves speech, it seems to me like something he would say. But overall, I want build Harry by clashing the assymetrical ideals of his two mentors and his own views. And after the three years, take a mature! Harry and throw him in the Tri-Wizard Tournament against his will, and see him and fleur interacting, the Genial Last Man, and the Compassionate and Equalist Übersmench.

---------- Post automerged at 11:23 ---------- Previous post was at 00:09 ----------

Following @Halt simple but great suggestion, I decided to write someyhing. An what better place than the beginning? Here is the first half or third of my first chapter:


It was a beautiful Sunday morning in the town of Little Whinging. The sky was clear and bright blue, not the little boy with messy dark hair cared. The little boy that right now was running away in a suprising speed.

Behind him a group of not-so-little boys chased him, screaming and trying to throw things at him. Unfortunately for the scrawny kid, he didn't see the stone that was in his path.

The crash wasn't a pretty one. The first thing the dark haired boy thought was that this was going to hurt tomorrow, but not as much if he didn't got up now and started running immediately.

But today wasn't a good day for him, something that soon became clear for him when a tall and rat-faced boy tackled him. They grappled around the street, while the rest of the kids arrived.

Harry Potter didn't like fights, specially because he usually lost them. But everyone has a breaking point, and he reached his. He was hungry, tired, hurt and had to listen to Aunt Marge 2 long hours rant about how the Dursleys were great and kind people and his parents were two useless drunkards.

He stuck his thumb in the thin boy right eye, making the boy release him, after him started scream in pain. Another one, this time a fat brown haired one tried to punch him in the face after he got up. But he quickly dodged him, stomped his right foot and pushed the bot, knocking him.

The rest of the little gang was frozen, never had the "freak" reacted in such a violent way. The tallest and fattest one was the first to react. He kicked the freak in the kneecap, knocking him down. But to Dudley's surprise, his cousin immediately got up and jumped at him, using the momentum to knock them both.

Harry, knowing that he would pay dearly for what he was about to do, bit the blond boy right ear until he tasted blood. The piercing scream that little Dudleykims let out gave him a grim satisfaction. He rolled of from above his cousin and started running away. To where, he didn't know. But as far away from the Dursleys as he could.

That is, until a steel grip got his right arm. The strong hand turned him around, and Harry saw himself facing a tanned, tall and very scary looking old man. The old man was at least 190cm, and his face reminded Harry of that old Roman statues he saw in the museum during his last school trip.

He had short white hair, a clean shaved face and a nose that strongly resembled a falcon's beak. His eyes were grey and hard looking. Harry started shivering, something in that man made his whole body shivers, he was afraid, more afraid then he ever been.

The old man spoke with a sligh spanish accent, "So you are the hit-and-run type, huh Cuervito?". That made Harry's blood boil, then he shouted at the spaniard, his fear momentarily forgotten, "So what? It's not like they fight fair, they beat me all the time, and always in group! And if I do anything they run to tell their parents and I'm the one that gets in trouble."

And them he remembered he was afraid of that man as the spaniard gave him a hard piercing look. He made Uncle Vernon's glares look lovely. And then, the tall man laughed, it was hard, short and cruel. When he looked at the scrawny kid again he had something that may have looked like a smile in anyone else. In him, it only looke like a rip in his face.

"Where do you live niño?" Harry just gave him a blank look. "Apressa niño, where is your house, I wanna talk to you parents!". The dark haired boy words were barely a whisper "My parents are dead, I live with my Uncle and Aunt."

The old man answer annoyed and hurted Harry, "And how is that stopping you from saying where it is? Come on, is it close?" The boy nodded. "Show me the way" Harry nodded again, unable to deny the scary man and started walking towards Privet Drive.

After 15 minhtes, they arrived at the neatly trimmed and clean entrance of the Number 4 house. Harry hesitantly ringed the bell. He knew he wasn't going to enjoy the next weeks, if he survived today.

The door was abruptly opened, and a huge walrus of a man appeared, when he spoke it was clear he wasn't in a good mood.

"Yes, what can I..." But he stopped when he saw Harry. And then he made a fairly good imitation of a rainbow, as he quickly changed from red, to purple and then to a blue color."Y-y-you, you dare to show up here after you done to Dudley! You will stay in your cupboard for a month, on water and bread only, and thank God I'm not dumping you on the street".

He roughley grabbed the boy by the scruff of his neck and was about to throw him inside when he felt a jab of pain in his wrist. That's when he finally remembered the tall man. He tried to free his arm, but the grip was inhumanly strong, and the pain was getting worse quickly, he soon dropped the boy and kneeled in pain.

"Ah, may I introduced myself, I am Don Cyrano Montoya, you may call me Don Montoya or sir, which one you prefer."

Vernon suddenly felt an even worse pain, and heard the tanned foreigner speak again,

"Since you proven yourself to be an uneducated fool, that doesn't know proper etiquette, I will teach you the basics. First, when someone introduce themselves you also introduce youself." He felt the man twisting the grip, Uncle Vernon pratically spit the words, " V-ver-vernon Dursley", "Oh, he can learn, lovely",
"Now you offer me to enter your house, you can't leave in your doorstep can you?"

Uncle Vernon nodded painfully. Don Montoya grabbed the fat man and easily got him up with only one hand. They entered the house, with Harry following, feeling giddy, terrified and very curious at the same time. Don Montoya quickly released Uncle Vernon, which dropped on the floor painfully.

He quickly turned around to face his agressor. "How dare you touch me and threaten me! I will see you jail you damn spanish buffoon, I will..." His rant was suddenly stopped when he felt something cold an sharp pressen against his throat. "Quiet" was the only thing the foreigner said. And then Harry saw a damp spot in his Uncle's pants.

He knew he should be terrified, but he could only be amazed by the speed that the man took out the knife.

Right after that, they heard a female voice talking
"Vernon, I just dropped your sister in the train station, where are you?"

Aunt Petunia's face was something that Harry would never forget. For one minute she simply stood there, gaping like a fish. Then the foreigner took the initiative, makin a "shhh" motion with his hand. Aunt Petunia nodded, still gaping.

Then he motioned her to sit on the couch, after she sitted there, he motioned to Uncle Vernon do the same. He stood there and sat on Uncle Vernon's armchair.

"Now, let's pretend we are all civilized beings and talk. You are this boy's uncle and unlce I am correct? Yes, bueno, bueno. And from what I understood he lives in a cupboard, is that also true?" Silence followed him.

He gave a terrifying glare to Harry's relatives, that made them tremble. Aunt Petunia slowly nodded.

"Interesting, now I am curious, what have he done to make you so angry?"

"He bit our son's ear" this time, it was Uncle Vernon who answered.

"Ah, so the puerco with blond hair was yours?" His answer this time were two indignant and affronted faces.

"Let's get to the point then, I don't wish to remain in such distasteful company any longer than necessary. This boy, I will train him in fencing and swordsmanship, and you! You will feed him and give him a decent place to rest, and..."

"I won't pay any lessons to the boy! And why do you even care how he lives? Or why do you want to train him?" Uncle Vernon has lost his fear after hearing such ridiculous things.

Then, he felt a painful jab in his right knee, there the little knife was stuck, with a hand still holding it. Aunt Petunia could merely gasp. Both Harry's relative got white really quick after this.

"Don't ever interrupt me again." Don Montoya said wiyhou even change his voice tone. "What I do or why I do it, does not concern you in any way, understood? Sí, bueno, muy bueno. Now, I will check him sometimes, and I don't you to do nothing beyond feeding and attending to his needs. I don't him to be influenced by things like you. And if I find myself, dissatisfied, with anything, it would be a shame if I had to visit you again, in less than ideal circunstances, sí?"

"You, cuervito, your name?"

Harry jumped on surprise, since he almost forgot where he was, after paying so much attention to the surreal talk happening in front of him. "Harry sir, Harry Potter"

"Come with me Mr. Potter, I will show where is my house, I expect you there every day after school, and in saturdays and sundays after luch."

Harry nodded and started following the men. Now that he was back to reality, his doubts started nagging him, Uncle Vernon wasn't wrong, why was he interested in him? He often dreamed in someone appearing and taking him away from the Dursleys, but way woukd he do that?

So he asked, "Uh, sir, why are you doing this, why are you, uhn, helping me?"

The older man turned his head and gave another of his feral grins, "Ah, Mr. Potter, I won't pretend that I'm doing this because I care about your well being or that is my duty as human being to see that all childrens are happy. No, I am, for reasons mine and mine alone, stuck in this damp and cold country, and to my eternal destaste, specifically in this pathetic little town. You are the first interesting being that I come across since I arrived here, months ago. I am bored, and my only two joys in life are swordsmanship and knowledge, and since no one here seems to understand any of those two, I decided that I will try to teach someone. And lucky you, I've chosen you. Or are you happy with your life? Because what I will teach is not simply fencing, no, I will teach you about life and what it entails, cuervito."

Harry simply nodded, he felt that the man wasn't talking the whole truth, but he knew better then to press him, specially after what he saw. After that, they walked in silence for some time.

Suddenly they arrived at a big white house with two floors. The house reminded Harry the ones the bad men in Zorro had. It was very big, with a tiled flat roof, there was one big balcony on the second floor of the house. The windows were square, with wooden parts. The first floor front was completely made of wide archs. The house had a white bricked wall around it. The house's gate was made of pure iron and had a beautiful pattern. It was amazing.

"This is my house, and yes, it is that style. It is a classic for a reason. Now, I already told the hours I expect you. Arrive late and you won't enter. Miss class or keep getting late, don't show up anymore. Get in stupid problems, don't annoy me, I don't care. Are we clear ?"

"Yes sir, but how many hours will the lessons be ?"

"The necessary amount, now get in, we will have lunch and then start your first lesson."

Again, Harry nodded, the amount of things happening today was too much for him. His head was spinning. He was sure that when he went to bed today and everything hitted him, it would be overwhelming. He was already getting dizzy. So the two of them entered the house.

Criticise at will, but please, detail all of the flaws you see. Put effort on it, I ask.

CrackedMind
05-26-2013, 11:02 AM
Just post it in WbA already.

Ferdiad
05-26-2013, 11:20 AM
Height should be in feet, not cm.

KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!
05-26-2013, 12:04 PM
Height should be in feet, not cm.

It doesn't have to be. Brits use a jumble of imperial and metric, although imperial is generally favored for height.

Invictus
05-26-2013, 12:46 PM
I prefer metric, and I thought only USA used imperial. Would be better simply put on WbA? First fic, don't really know. Wanted a little input before posting it, but you guys are the veterans.

KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!
05-26-2013, 01:22 PM
I prefer metric, and I thought only USA used imperial. Would be better simply put on WbA? First fic, don't really know. Wanted a little input before posting it, but you guys are the veterans.

I can't find too much fault with it considering English isn't your first language. A bit dull, I suppose. Putting it up for review and Library admittance probably isn't going to go too well for you, but no one should have a problem with you posting in WbA.

CrackedMind
05-26-2013, 06:29 PM
Also, It's better than posting it in this thread. Please don't continue posting it in this thread.

Please.

Invictus
05-26-2013, 06:55 PM
I wasn't. I'm not retarded, trust me, if I was going to start posting a story it, wouldn't be in a Discussion forum. This is barely a third of a chapter and is huge compared to the other posts. Again, new, but not retarded.

LordArcturusBlack
06-13-2013, 08:00 AM
For Anyone who is looking for some Harry Potter/Fleur Delacour Smut, Here is a few to read.

Harry and Fleur's Private Lessons (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9184318)


Open Your Eyes (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7114871)


Cuckolding at Shell Cottage (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4867943)


Imperio (http://www.hpfanficarchive.com/stories/viewstory.php?sid=517&chapter=11)


Harry Potter: The Burrow Again (http://stories.xnxx.com/story/43608/Harry_Potter_-_Part_1_-_The_Burrow_Again)


Harry Potter: Party At The Burrow (http://stories.xnxx.com/story/9503/harry_potter_3_Party_at_the_Burrow)


Harry Potter and the Spellbook of Desires: Chapter 28 (http://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=web&cd=8&cad=rja&ved=0CGcQFjAH&url=http%3A%2F%2Fstories.xnxx.com%2Fstory%2F18217% 2FHarry_Potter_and_the_Spellbook_of_Desires_-_Chapter_28_-_Ron's_Happy_Birthday_Part_Three_-_An_Evening_Snack&ei=VT63UcePMcXliAfJoYDoDA&usg=AFQjCNFYvimgS-iPxOb3ZaWsUlb-E6h6Ng&sig2=qQwqu4_57EEXwfG5_hCkIw)


The Bet (http://www.thequidditchpitch.org/viewstory.php?sid=2159)


Harry Potter Sex Story (http://www.exbii.com/showthread.php?t=182542&page=6)


Harry and Kiki: Tales of a Boy Necromancer (http://ficwad.com/story/159254)


Harry Potter and His Brainy Girls (http://onj1.andrelouis.com/hp/Sheltie/Harry%20Potter%20and%20his%20Brainy%20Girls.txt)


Three Sheets (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6846193/1/Three-Sheets)


Potters Palace of Pleasure (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7883848/1/Potter-s-Palace-of-Pleasure)


Harry's Luck: 4 (http://stories.xnxx.com/story/38274/Harry's_Luck_4)


Harry Potter Adventures: Fleurs Gift (http://stories.xnxx.com/story/32275/Harry_Potter_Adventures%3A_Chapter_6_-_Fleur's_Gift)


Twenty One Nights Of Paradise (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8277618)


Pottercest, Except When It's Not (http://www.hpfanficarchive.com/stories/viewstory.php?sid=587&chapter=3)


The Shimmering Mermaid (http://ficwad.com/story/95893)


Lucky Harry (http://www.hpfanficarchive.com/stories/viewstory.php?sid=457&chapter=4)

THANX, LordArcturus

Lungs
06-13-2013, 10:05 AM
Oh good god, why?

Why, why, why?

Why do people do this?

Imariel
06-13-2013, 10:18 AM
This is why (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=z3ANJri0a-8#t=6s)

T3t
06-14-2013, 05:39 AM
Well, one of those stories wasn't bad. Eh..

Rache
06-14-2013, 07:48 AM
One of the links took me to a porn site -_-.

CrackedMind
06-14-2013, 12:57 PM
Considering it was smut, is it that much of a stretch of the imagination it might be on a porn site?
And if Lungs is freaking out about Porn, this must be some sickass shit.

Rache
06-14-2013, 01:18 PM
is it that much of a stretch of the imagination it might be on a porn site

I was expecting a FICWARD link or something along those lines.

Grinning Lizard
06-14-2013, 01:32 PM
Weighing them up side by side, I'd still rather be blind linked to god-knows-what porn than most fan-written HP smut.

Fun of Fist Year Slthyerins. CBT, Fingering, HJ, Inc, M/F, M/M, Minor2, Oral, Shouta, Solo, TF, Trans, AFFO, WIP

E. C. Scrubb
06-16-2013, 02:10 AM
Weighing them up side by side, I'd still rather be blind linked to god-knows-what porn than most fan-written HP smut.


Fun of Fist Year Slthyerins. CBT, Fingering, HJ, Inc, M/F, M/M, Minor2, Oral, Shouta, Solo, TF, Trans, AFFO, WIP


The sad thing is, since it's fanfic, I'm guessing the phrase was a mistake, rather than a clever play on words.

Tommy
06-26-2013, 04:41 AM
Does this community have a group?

It'd be awesome to join...

penti
09-29-2013, 12:12 AM
Does this community have a group?

It'd be awesome to join...
I agree. Just bumping this up since I specifically joined DLP coz I found this thread and apparently it's been dead for a while..

Lungs
09-29-2013, 12:57 AM
No, because a good Harry/Fleur fic is like Socrates. Probably never existed and debated ceaselessly.

penti
09-29-2013, 01:04 AM
I've read some of those I can find, and I must say that none are as good as other shippers, since, in my opinion, H/F has some potential for a very good fic.

We'll, there's hoping someone out there with some awesome writing skills can make one.

Mr. Merriman
09-29-2013, 01:05 AM
They're definitely pretty rare. Wastelands of Time is the only one I can remember right off that was decent. Jeconais kept teasing H/Fleur, but only ever published a couple of uber-fluffy H/Gabrielle stories and one cocktease Harry-Fleur Friendship fic.

Lungs
09-29-2013, 01:53 AM
Undoubtedly you can find this sentiment somewhere in this thread. Probably in a post 1000 posts ago saying exactly what I'm saying now:

Why the only good Harry/Fleur fic will need to be written by you.
(and why it might still be mediocre)

Okay, let's talk shop about relationships in writing, first.

I've said this like, twice before in posts, several times on irc to various people, easily, writing relationships is hard.

The less mystical and equally difficult parallel: writing dialogue.

You say things every day to different people (assuming you are, if not possessing of a social life, are possessing of some kind of professional life. If not, you still probably trade insults with 10 year olds on Xbox Live). Yet when it comes down to writing dialogue, everyone who starts out flounders. I consider myself not too bad at writing in terms of its technical aspects, but I still fuck up my dialogue consistently to the point in which I rewrite it 4-5 times per chapter.

You get a bunch of styles - the minimalist-not-by-choice people who have a checklist of "these things need to happen for this dialogue to be cool". Then you get the other (the most major culprit, for the fanfiction-savvy would be someone like gabriel blessing) who word-vomits with an obedience to structure I'd love to have in a debate round.

And then you have people like me, who try to write out things as you can imagine the characters saying them, and then realize that holy-shit-that's-too-much-bullshit-for-written-word or maybe-I-can-be-this-curt-irl-but-just-not-here-not-now.

Now, after that sidenote, we can talk about writing relationships.

For every million words that tumble out of your mouth you've probably had one relationship. Some of you maybe more, if you're old and wise. Some of you maybe less, if you dig the fun. Some of you maybe none at all, because you have a League of Legend waifu.

So, as a distinctly human trait, you don't like making the hard decisions necessary to realize that a relationship can not be healthy. You don't like believing that She Might Not Be The Golden One (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dllpENgBdF4).

So how does this come out to the readers? We have pet peeves about relationships in fanfiction (and lots of non-fan fiction). Someone starts a relationship sometime. It lasts for years, ends in marriage and kids. Check the pet peeves thread(s). I promise you they're there. I might have posted some.

This is cringe-worthy to the reader because of this one. damn. rule. I find so fucking hard to remember when I'm actually writing - one that I actively resist:

The Reader Does Not Have The Same Attachment To Your Character As You Do.

Especially if you've created a large and sprawling AU like I'm prone to do - in fact, if they're reading fanfiction and not writing it, they probably don't like the canonverse as much as you do. I'm not saying for certain they don't - I'm just saying that the proportion of people who care who care enough to write about things compared to people who care enough to spend a bunch of hours of free times reading the product of this caring is closer to zero than to one. (mathanalogiesi'msolame)

Shippin'

Harry/Ginny - Girl falls in love with her prince charming. They marry and have kids. They name their kids after people they don't know very well, some of which have screwed them rather directly.

Harry/Hermione - Girl falls in love with her best friend.

Harry/Hufflepuff - Guy falls in love with the nice girl.

Harry/Ravenclaw - Guy falls in love with brainy girl who isn't Hermione? Author likes Asian Amateur porn.

Harry/Slytherin - Hatesex is glorious.

These happen. These aren't hyper difficult. These are tropes which are all over our literary works, our culture, all over our every day life, in our relationships and others. We have a POINT OF CONNECTION to them.

Now... then it gets a bit... Harrier. Bwahahaha.

Harry/Tonks - Guy digs the police chick. They have kinky shapeshifting sex and fight crime. Author might like pegging.

Harry/Luna - Guy falls in love with the insane girl.

Harry/Sue - Guy inherits magical powers from the four founders and has a massive penis that the prepz hate.

The quality severely deteriorates. You have to jump through holes. Tonks may have a personality that's young, but Harry and her have to find a point of connection. Easy, he joins the Unspeakables for an unforgettable summer in being cleared to use the Killing Curse. Ugh. Luna is insane. How many of you know insane girls like Luna? Well, I have a friend who's a little bit of a schizophrenic, maybe she's like him? I have a bunch of Morning Glory seeds to chomp on, maybe I can replicate schizo in my head? Mary Sue? That one's a joke.

Then...

We have... the ships that are fucking really, really difficult.

Harry/Blaise's Mom - Harry becomes the Don. He kills people. He enjoys cocaine with his afternoon tea.

Harry/fem!character - You'd best explain how genderbending's going to work out, dude.

etc etc.

And then. We have THE ship.

THE SHIP. THAT NEVER. SAILED.

Harry/Fleur

A LEETLE BOY HAS TO IMPRESS A FRENCH SEX SYMBOL FROM A DIFFERENT RACE WHO HAPPENS TO SHARE A PLACE ON THE 0-10 SCALE WITH A VICTORIA SECRET'S ANGEL WHO HAPPENS TO BE THREE YEARS OLDER THAN HIM AND IS THE MOST COMPETENT STUDENT IN AN ENTIRE SCHOOL WITH THE POWER TO MAKE MEN FALL HEAD OVER HEELS BY EXISTING.

Good. Fucking. Luck.

Ever date a girl substantially less mediocre and more physically attractive than you? I have. It didn't work out. We're still in a weird place and I certainly like her more than she likes me. Maybe it'll be kinda like that.

But do you guys really, really want to hear about Lung's adventure with Continuously Drained Self-Esteem?

Boo.

Okay. So what does Harry have going for him?

He's the Chosen One. He's the Protagonist. He fights Voldemort. He can potentially be a Quidditch champion, the Master of Death, etc etc.

Pretty cool.

Also pretty disconnected from canon!Harry, who - if he went to college with me - would be my roomate from last year. And all around extremely nice guy who smoked weed twice a week, got drunk on Fridays, and goes to a rave or two with me once in a while.

So... what stories can possibly segue into a realistic relationship between Harry and Fleur?

Harry Potter, Groundhog Day Hero of Time?

Harry Potter, Secret Agent Losing His Baggage?

Harry Potter, Time Traveling Avatar of Grimdark?

What do these things have in common?

Mental. Maturity. If you're dating a supermodel without an infinite supply of Bolivian Marching Powder, you'd have to be pretty good on a shit ton of counts.

We can conceptualize Harry as attractive. That's not enough. Plenty of dudes at the bar could match that.

We can conceptualize Harry as powerful. That's not enough. Plenty of people can gain power in magic.

We can conceptualize Harry as rich, famous, etc etc. Not enough.

Strength of character. Not. Being. Boring. (Considering canon!Fleur married canon!Indiana Jones (https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?p=397410#post397410) with Dragonleather boots.) Being academically/intellectually excellent. (said Indiana was also Head Boy).

So what have we got here:

Recap:

1. Author's end: You have to let go of your personal experience and try to find experience that might not belong to you and hope you write it realistically.

2. Author's end: You have to have the hallmarks of a good story to begin with (no overwhelming piles of fail - like, make-it-into-the-library quality of writing, even if just barely)

3. Character end: A very specific Harry who needs to not only match expectations set by one of the most awesome characters in the story (per the proper interpretation of Bill) - but exceed them. Because he's younger.

(edit) 4. Also, she can throw fireballs. And turn into a bird.

Yer fucked, mate.

Mr. Merriman
09-29-2013, 02:05 AM
Is the fireballs/bird thing canon or fanon for part-veela? I don't recall any canon mention of non-wizard abilities for Fleur other than the veela charm.

Lungs
09-29-2013, 02:08 AM
There's no canon definition of part Veela.

We have no clue if a part Veela is a full Veela or a not Veela.

Mr. Merriman
09-29-2013, 02:14 AM
Well, considering that apparently Bill and Fleur canonically had a son (http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Louis_Weasley), it's clear that part-veela do exist.

Also, if witches of Veela ancestry were considered full Veela, it is entirely likely that they would not be allowed to use wands or attend schools of magic, as this seems to be a privilege restricted solely to humans and half-breeds.

Starwind
09-29-2013, 02:15 AM
Crazy sex is always good.

Awesome post Lungs. :)

penti
09-29-2013, 02:46 AM
I find H/F quite interesting coz from how I look at it, they can kinda relate to each other in a way that others may not be able to. Harry, being the boy who everyone sees only as the Boy-Who-Lived and Fleur being seen only as the gorgeous blonde Veela.

Plus the fact that there's not much canon details about Fleur, Beauxbatons, Veelas and France and writers have more creative freedom than with writing Hogwarts based fics.

One of the first fics I've read wasLetters (found in facfiction.net). It was AU and they were kinda OOC, but it was novel length and found it entertaining.

Crazy sex is always good.

Awesome post Lungs. :-)

That too!

LoyalFenian
09-29-2013, 06:50 AM
Girls like being seen as beautiful damnit!! It's not a fucking curse!

Single.Most.Annoying.Cliche.Ever

Zeelthor
09-29-2013, 07:07 AM
Awesome summary, Lungs.

Some authors use Harry's ability to resist the allure as some kind of justification of the relationship. I guess that's not inherintly a bad idea, but it's been overused to the point where it makes me cringe every time I see it.