This story is going to be based on the plot-bunny where Harry accepts the Minister's request to be the Ministry's poster boy. In return he gets Unspeakable training and a license to kill.

What I've written so far.




Chapter One – A Proposal - Spacks

It was a dark and gloomy day at Kings cross Station as Harry disembarked the Hogwarts Express with his Trunk in hand and Hedwig's cage under his arm. He placed his luggage onto a trolley and begun to move towards the exit.

“Mr. Potter, a word if you don't mind?” said the voice of Rufus Scrimgeour, the Minister of Magic.

Harry sighed as he turned to face the Minister.

“I guess”he said.

“Have you considered my proposal, Harry?”

“And which proposal is that, Minister?”

“Oh come now, Harry you know very well what it is I want”

“Yes, I guess I do” replied Harry dryly.

“Well, are you going to support the Ministry or not?”

“Why should I, its not like you lot have done anything for me lately”

“Well, I'm sure we can come to an arrangement”

“Yeah? Like what” said Harry as he peered at the Minister.

“Well, I could arrange for you to get Unspeakable training” replied the Minister as Harry's eyes widened in suprise.

“Give me permission to kill Death Eaters and you got yourself a deal” said Harry, a determined glint lighting up his emerald eyes.

“Excellent!” exclaimed the Minister as he clapped his hands together.

 

I thinks it needs a bit more padding with description and Scrimgeour should have a harder time trying to convince harry (from the bit in the post) but it's an awesome idea and i'd like to read it

 

Yeah thats what I thought it was lacking.

I'll go over it again tomorrow, right now I need to sleep

Feel free to make recommendations, flame me even!

 

The dialogue was a bit... bland. Harry was convinced too easily... It would probably be better if you added a few more descriptions and go into more detail about Rufus' offer. Interesting idea though.

 

I agree with whats been said so far. Pad it out a bit, tweak the dialog as well. Add a few more descriptions in there as well. I look forward to seeing this completed.

Also, I've noticed from that small excerpt that your forgetting to put grammar at the end of speech. Use a comma if a speech attribute is used next. For example;

"I guess" he said.
should be
"I guess," he said.

Alternatively if a speech attribute isn't next use a full stop.

"I guess" Harry turned and walked to the Minister.
should be
"I guess." Harry turned and walked to the Minister.

That is, of course, unless your not using other grammar like a question mark or an exclamation point.

I just thought I'd point that out just in case you didn't know. There are some right grammar Nazi's out there that would be wingeing about that.

There really isn't much to base an opinion off so I'll wait until there's more of it out. Stick with it!

 

That's my main problem. My biggest pet peeve is when authors who produce 200 words have the adacity to call it a chapter. I came across a fic yesterday with 17 chapters and 8000 words. Please, if all your chapters are that short, just merge them until it reaches a respectable size.

 

I think Harry should want a bit more, other then that my only gripe is the length, i mean if you seriously posted that and claimed it was a chapter i think i would have to beat you senseless with a copy of HBP just to add insult to injury

Its a good start im not a real grammar whore as long as it still makes sense because their are some out there that make me die a little inside

 

lol yeah, I should of added 'Teaser' there somewhere.