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Old 04-18-2010, 02:14 AM   #41
Andro
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This newest chapter continues in the same vein, but something, not necessarily a problem, that's become more pronounced is Harry's internal monologue.

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It's almost ridiculous enough to work. I mused with a slight smirk. Time to test a theory…
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It seems to have some affinity to my magic…
He seems so passive in making these observations, kind of listless. I feel like I'm playing a JRPG of some sort with the character having thoughts in a thought bubble.

Harry has these bursts of fire and passion that are great.

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"I'm not afraid of the wardens! I'll destroy them all just like this one!" I gripped my cloak and pulled up the tattered cowl for her to see. "Then I'll level this prison and we'll freeze the fucking ocean and walk out of here!" I hissed. I truly hated being questioned, especially when I was still working out the details…
Again, Bellatrix is unpredictable,

 
her killing her own unborn child is a pretty good example. The author's going in with all guns blazing


and her dialogue is just so right. Clinginess, vulnerability, then the classic blood purist.

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"My ickle Harry, spreading his wings and flying away…"
The distinguishing feature of this Bellatrix is that she has real mental problems. I mean this beyond the obvious meaning. She is so off-kilter and so deranged she simply isn't functional, it's not just to make her fascinating or to please fanboys.

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"You're better than them, ickle Harry… we are better than them. We are more than them… they fear us – they lock us in their cages!" Her arms flew into the air in a grandiose gesture to the ageless stone around us. "But we will have our day, we will shatter their precious little fantasy world into a thousand ickle pieces!" she was on the cusp of shrieking before her volume fell and she looked deeply into my eyes. "Ickle… no, Harry… we are gods and they are but insects… remember this. Don't let them tell you different, don't let them control you. Kill them, for they deserve no less!"

My eyes widened as she spoke. Us? What does she… A cold wind blew up my spine and I suddenly understood. Us. Dark Wizards. Those who this world has forsaken, those who are feared by ones who know nothing of suffering or loss or hate…

I slowly nodded and whispered, "I won't be controlled, Bella…" Not anymore.
I also like the fact that the author is trying to develop a theme, on dark wizards and control. This is a story that will most likely have a brain.

Last edited by Andro; 04-18-2010 at 02:54 AM.
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Old 04-18-2010, 05:47 AM   #42
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Any story that has dark wizards being as they should be, AKA evil and insane, that is a good thing.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:49 AM   #43
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You know, one indicator that this is a good fic is that it DOES have a lot of cliche's packed into it....and it works anyway.
Couldn't have said it any better myself.

Frankly, I was stunned by this fic. I had read the summary and had immediately thought that this was going to be some post-OotP piece of shit. I was more than happy to be surprised. Bella's characterization is done expertly, Harry's skill set is reasonable(somewhat), and the description of Azkaban is refreshing.

In regards to the latest chapter, it is more of the same good shit. The only discrepancy I have is Dumbledore and his motives. I feel that the author is either making him int the master puppeteer(not all bad), or some all light seeing moron who only believes in the best of people.

4/5 from me, only because of the early angst.
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Old 04-19-2010, 11:06 AM   #44
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Dumbledore could simply be a realist. If he really believes Harry to be the prophecy boy he knows he has no chances if he continues his half-life in Azkaban. As to him insisting it wasn't Harry's fault: can you see a head of Wizengamot admitting to releasing a criminal from prison?
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Old 04-19-2010, 11:58 AM   #45
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While a good start, Dumbledore really irks me. I'm fine with a bit of a manipulative DD, thats ok, but it can go overboard and mega puppet master DD just feels so silly.

I can dig DD not being 100% certain on who exactly the prophecy refers too, so he wants to keep Harry in the reserve. But to release someone he knows is a murderer, because I got the feeling that he doesn't really believe in the diary possession story he's selling, into a school is ridiculous.

I can get maybe releasing him into some kind of house arrest under a caretaker/tutor (Tonks?), but to release him into a school full of children, well how the hell is he going to sell that to the public? Especially because he'll be going back when the Tri-wizard is on, I don't think Beuxbatons and Durmstrang would like some crazy (he has been both possessed, AND has spent a year with Dementors) multiple murder just walking around where their students will be.

This is a 3.5, with the main deductions being mega mind magics that everyone uses, despite canon giving the impression that its an old obscure magic that very few know. Pretty much that whole mind magic system really, crazy representations, imagined conflict/fights within the mind that has tangible results outside, the embodiment of Harry's magic is the fire makes reading those sections a bit of a chore to me.
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:06 PM   #46
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As to him insisting it wasn't Harry's fault: can you see a head of Wizengamot admitting to releasing a criminal from prison?
Hell no I can't. There's no way that Dumbledore could have done that without giving the court a really good reason or having some amazing evidence proving his innocence. He couldn't do the former and didn't have the latter, so he made his own evidence.

It's kinda damn shocking that this story's portrayal of the justice system is probably the best I've ever seen in HP fanfic: Harry kills people and goes to Azkaban for life, then under the pressure of supposedly irrefutable evidence, release him with a full pardon. I don't know whether to laugh or cry that everything works normally when you take the celebrity status out of the equation.

@Ceebee: I don't call shenanigans on PuppetMaster!Dumbledore until I see withheld wills, stolen bank property, or things like that. The portrayal of character insanity is much more hardcore than in canon, meaning that the first war was probably far worse than we know. When faced with a somewhat vague prophecy concerning the potential of their world, Dumbledore comes off as far more desperate than manipulative. Does he believe the bull he fed the Wizengamot? EFF NO he doesn't, but he needs answers and reassurances, neither of which he'll get with Harry in Azkaban.

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Old 04-19-2010, 12:35 PM   #47
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I've nothing else to add to you all's raving reviews except to say that this story intrigues me. I'll be looking for more.

4.5/5
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Old 04-19-2010, 01:10 PM   #48
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Pretty much the only recent story I've read that does not make me want to vomit at its indistinguishability.

I do not care about the apparant cliches and Dursley abuse, the tone is well set, it's intriguing and well written. Not to mention his Bellatrix made me feel fuzzy inside.
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Old 04-19-2010, 07:31 PM   #49
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The fic is so good because it takes the cliches and runs. I didn't mind one bit when I read the same twists I've read again and again, because it's written so well.

5/5 thus far.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:17 PM   #50
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Pretty much the only recent story I've read that does not make me want to vomit at its indistinguishability.

I do not care about the apparant cliches and Dursley abuse, the tone is well set, it's intriguing and well written. Not to mention his Bellatrix made me feel fuzzy inside.
Lol there's something wrong with you then, for liking a mass murderer the same way as liking a cute doggy or something.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:54 PM   #51
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What makes you think we get all fuzzy inside from puppys?

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Old 04-19-2010, 11:49 PM   #52
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People with a bad handle on spelling and grammar generally fit in that category.
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:11 PM   #53
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If you don't find mutilation and torture amusing in any way I'm afraid you're in the wrong place. Especially considering that incestuous rape fics and The Office are par for the course here.
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:45 PM   #54
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Bella says 'ickle' way too much. The baby voice is in character, saying ickle 5 times in one sentence is not.
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:46 PM   #55
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If you don't find mutilation and torture amusing in any way I'm afraid you're in the wrong place. Especially considering that incestuous rape fics and The Office are par for the course here.
Stop with your lies brah
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Old 04-20-2010, 04:17 PM   #56
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Bella says 'ickle' way too much. The baby voice is in character, saying ickle 5 times in one sentence is not.
... She's a psychotic Dark Witch with a hard-on for killing the impure. I'm pretty sure she'd say ickle as much as she wanted and felt like.
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:00 PM   #57
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Bella says 'ickle' way too much. The baby voice is in character, saying ickle 5 times in one sentence is not.
Good point, it is overused a bit.
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:45 PM   #58
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Stop with your lies brah
Okay, maybe I overstated how tame The Office was, but Harry/Lily and Harry/Fem!Harry have pretty good followings here, if you haven't noticed.

Also, the Thank God You Raped Me thread.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:16 PM   #59
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Also, the Thank God You Raped Me thread.
...I totally forgot about that thread.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:47 PM   #60
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By all intents and purposes I should love this, but I just don't.

Like already mentioned, Harry is ridiculously powerful at a young age. You may try to argue he just applied himself, but to cast at least 2 successful Avada Kedavra's before your 13th birthday (and a whole slew of Dark-Arts capable of extreme damage) is just obscene. Luck or no luck, he killed 2 fully trained arurors and now has the ability to cast the Cruciatus curse with a necklace. I've not even mentioned his Ligilimency, which he doesn't seem to need an incantation for.

I can usually see past this kind of stuff, but when the writer is clearly competent and able I lose any semblance of patience I have and become quite critical. The characterisation of Bella was good on average, but again I was expecting better from the reviews given; there is still definite room for improvement.

The description of Azkaban is mediocre to decent, somehow the illusion of it being an impregnable fortress is broken when a 13 year old is able to use magic and walk around freely.

Dumbledore, again, annoys me; there are few people who, in my eyes, are able to write him well. The shock at Harrys' use of Avada Kedavra, for instance, irritates me, and then we get onto the transparent manipulation attempts.

Overall it is well written, but it feels as if the author is setting up an attempted epic of proportions I don't believe he/she will be able to manage. Very few can. I'll rate a tentative 3.5/5 (rounding down to 3/5 for now), and perhaps read it again after the first few chapters are posted. That said, it being only a prologue I'm sure that it will improve, unless it implodes which I fear it may.

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