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Old 11-01-2016, 05:48 PM   #1
stayintheloop
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Amor est Vita by songbook - T

Title: Amor est Vita
Author: songbook
Rating: M
Genre: Romance/Tragedy
Status: Completed (72k words)
Library Category: Alternate Universe
Pairings: NA
Description: As Minerva McGonagall takes the place of the late Albus Dumbledore, she brings with her a past of shadows. Her less than innocent connection to Tom Riddle may be enough to bring the Dark Lord down forever. AU Book 7. HP/GW RW/HG MM/TR.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7198065/1/Amor-est-Vita

The Description sucks, but the story moved me greatly. Minerva and Tom are both OOC to make the story work, but it sheds a different light on Minerva's character as a whole. The past events that occur in the AU are told as a frame narrative, and clearly paint Minerva's motivation for her actions. The story has several flaws (unrealistic magic, OOC moments, as mentioned previously) but I still think it is worth a read. Minerva goes through an intense pain in the story and the author handles it beautifully. The story unfolds itself in an exellent pace, and thus reads pleasantly. Please tell me your thoughts.
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Old 11-04-2016, 07:09 AM   #2
KingRoger
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I can't say that the story is really for me, but the writing is solid, the author had a clear direction, and if there were many cliches, I'm not familiar with them. I'm giving it a solid 4/5.

Last edited by KingRoger; 11-04-2016 at 07:13 AM.
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Old 11-05-2016, 07:05 AM   #3
Atlas
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All right then, (a few spoilers maybe? Just in case)

Pros of the story:
-Excellent writing, I never needed to fight myself through the words.
-Good characterizations, Except maybe Yaxely, Who I thought was a bit OOC when McGonagall went to LV (When a death-eater met with an order of the Phoenix member I didn't expect such a civil start of a conversation)
-Premise of the story, I like it.

Cons:
-Some choices of the author are a bit strange(like making Moody the same age as McGonagall, couldn't the author make them a year apart?) But that's subjective

I'll give it a 4/5
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Old 11-05-2016, 11:29 AM   #4
Republic
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This story is trying to sell a lot of very eyebrow-raising things, and does a piss-poor job of it.

The writing is awkward and cringy, not at all suited to the ambitious ideas the author is trying for.
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Old 11-06-2016, 07:49 AM   #5
Locke
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First impression was that this title is awful. Not even in a pretentious Latin title way, but in that the grammar just sucks. Right now it says, I was being loved is life, It should either be Amare est Vivere, to love is to live, or Amare est Vita, to love is life. Titles should have some meaning, beyond that which Google translate spits out.

Oh yeah and the story is pretty awful too.

Edit: My latin is a little off, and although the grammar is off, it's because vita isn't in the accusative. I forgot that amor was the noun form of love as well as the 1st person passive singular. My titles are still better though. This story still sucks.

Last edited by Locke; 11-06-2016 at 07:54 AM. Reason: My bad
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Old 11-06-2016, 08:45 AM   #6
BTT
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Locke View Post
First impression was that this title is awful. Not even in a pretentious Latin title way, but in that the grammar just sucks. Right now it says, I was being loved is life, It should either be Amare est Vivere, to love is to live, or Amare est Vita, to love is life. Titles should have some meaning, beyond that which Google translate spits out.

Oh yeah and the story is pretty awful too.

Edit: My latin is a little off, and although the grammar is off, it's because vita isn't in the accusative. I forgot that amor was the noun form of love as well as the 1st person passive singular. My titles are still better though. This story still sucks.
You're still wrong. First off, Latin's Subject-Object-Verb and not Subject-Verb-Object, so it has to be Amor Vita Est, if anything. Second, Vita is in the predicate nominative with "est", so no accusative is necessary.
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Old 11-06-2016, 10:07 AM   #7
stayintheloop
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Republic View Post
This story is trying to sell a lot of very eyebrow-raising things, and does a piss-poor job of it.

The writing is awkward and cringy, not at all suited to the ambitious ideas the author is trying for.
Little harsh, but alright, legitimate critism. What do you find awkward and cringy about the writing, and why do you dislike the story?
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Old 11-10-2016, 04:30 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stayintheloop View Post
Little harsh, but alright, legitimate critism. What do you find awkward and cringy about the writing, and why do you dislike the story?
I edited/commented on the first page of what you wrote. Keep in mind that I am not infallible and this could all be preference.

Bullet-pointed the major issues.

- Too. Many. Fullstops, and commas.
- Register is inconsistent
- Speech is clumsy, doesn't sound like something you'd actually hear.
- You use lots of descriptive adjectives but don't really describe everything, it's like you have a formula that tells you to put in a descriptive adjective after every noun no matter what. Sometimes less is more.
- Telling vs Showing. This. A lot.

Keep in mind that there are good parts, but I'm highlighting what you need to change to make this story read better. If you really want I can keep going through.
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Old 11-14-2016, 12:44 PM   #9
stayintheloop
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plotless View Post
I edited/commented on the first page of what you wrote. Keep in mind that I am not infallible and this could all be preference.

Bullet-pointed the major issues.

- Too. Many. Fullstops, and commas.
- Register is inconsistent
- Speech is clumsy, doesn't sound like something you'd actually hear.
- You use lots of descriptive adjectives but don't really describe everything, it's like you have a formula that tells you to put in a descriptive adjective after every noun no matter what. Sometimes less is more.
- Telling vs Showing. This. A lot.

Keep in mind that there are good parts, but I'm highlighting what you need to change to make this story read better. If you really want I can keep going through.
I didn't write the story, but I think this is very good critism that the writer would like to hear. I know this isn't the kind of story that would usually end up in the DLP library, but I thought the ending was very moving, and that DLP was in need of some variety. The over-punctionation didn't bother me much, but it does affect the way the story reads. I suppose it is a matter of preference, because I quite like stories that are on the descriptive side. Maybe this just isn't the place for that mushy stuff.
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alternate universe, author: songbook, complete, romance, tragedy


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