Dark Lord Potter Forums
Go Back   Dark Lord Potter Forums > Common Room > Real Life Discussion
Donate Register Rules Library List IRC Chat FAQ Members List Social Groups Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read


Donate to DLP PatronusCharm Banner

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-13-2008, 12:34 PM   #1
Dark Lord
Mordac's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,238
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Send a message via AIM to Mordac
"Trick" Sinner's Prayer "Saving" People by the Millions

"Trick" Sinner's Prayer "Saving" People by the Millions

It's been called "the greatest soul-winning development since the invention of the bus." Churches all around America have recently seen sharp increases in their "conversion" numbers because of it. Some have surmised that it might be the very thing that saves every man, woman and child on the face of the earth. What is it? It's the new "Trick Sinner's Prayer."

The prayer was first conceived about this time a year ago when a number of fundamentalist leaders got together to discuss the problem of soul-winning in America taking too long. Pastors from all over the country including Indiana, Texas and Florida met together in Missouri to come up with a solution of the problem.

"This whole soul-winning business it taking way to long" said Bro. Jimmy Burnside of Crossroads Baptist Church, Hurley, Indiana. "Some of our sister churches had soul-winning numbers as low as 3,500 last year. That's just downright pathetic. We're just not getting enough people saved and fast enough."

All of the pastors echoed Burnside's sentiments with similar comments.

"We're maxed out" said Bro. Jimmy Green of Shortview Baptist Church, Shortview, Texas. "We're running the buses every chance we get. We've got every preacher boy working shifts sometimes as long as 24 hours. Yet last year we only had 8,746 professions and baptisms."

Different possibilities were discussed as to how professions could be increased until finally one pastor pointed out a harsh but obvious truth.

"Some people just don't want to be saved" said Bro. Jimmy Everett, pastor of Sweet Beulah Land Baptist Church in Penallas Park, Florida. "It's these people who won't even talk to us that are standing in the way of our numbers. If we are to succeed in our mission we must find a way to get these people."

Everett went on to present his solution, the "Trick Sinner's Prayer."

The prayer is designed so that if anyone reads it unsuspectingly he or she will assume it is a senseless stream of short sentences, but in actually he or she will be saying a "sinner's prayer." The "prayer" is as follows,

"I know Imma. Send her. I can fuss. I need four. Give Ness. Irene Pent and Bea leave. Common tomb. I hurt."

"Brilliance, sheer brilliance" said Bro. Jimmy Liddle, another pastor who attended the conference. "All we got to do is figure out a way to get people to say this and, bang, we got them!"

Several of the churches have already begun using the prayer. Green's church, Shortview Baptist, rented out a local indoor pool just last week during the Christmas holidays and offered "free swimming" to the community for anyone who wanted to come. The only "catch" was that upon entry they had to "say this silly little paragraph" to "join the club."

"We had over 2500 people show up during the week" said Green. "It was the most soul-winningest week we have ever had. When they'd come in we'd get them saved with the prayer and then immediately get them baptized in the pool."

Several of the other churches used the same idea, and other churches have different ideas for the "prayer."

"We're going to try to get some hip boy band to make it into a song or something, that way all these young folks will be singing it and not even knowing that they're getting saved in the process" said Liddle. "There are other avenues like advertising and Starbucks Cups."
We may lose hope but there is always hope

"The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is commonly understood. Indeed the world is ruled by little else. Practical men, who believe themselves to be quite exempt from any intellectual influence, are usually the slaves of some defunct economist." John Maynard Keynes

Originally Posted by Tehan View Post
It's a sad, sad world when a man can't have sex with his own furniture.
Mordac is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-13-2008, 12:38 PM   #2
chronic dragon
Seventh Year
chronic dragon's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: somewhere
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 253
Send a message via MSN to chronic dragon
If I wanted to be "saved" then I would go to them. Until then they need to let people be.

chronic dragon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-13-2008, 12:59 PM   #3
Fifth Year
Inexistence's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: England
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Posts: 181
Note the slogan of the website. Theological satire.
Inexistence is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-13-2008, 07:56 PM   #4
the-caitiff's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: West Central Florida USA
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 952
Originally Posted by Mordac View Post
"Some people just don't want to be saved" said Bro. Jimmy Everett, pastor of Sweet Beulah Land Baptist Church in Penallas Park, Florida. "It's these people who won't even talk to us that are standing in the way of our numbers. If we are to succeed in our mission we must find a way to get these people."
It's spelled Pinellas Park, and the town is a shithole filled with white trash. If it weren't for the satire warning on their site, I'd have no trouble believing those idiots "joined the club". While the Sweet Beulah Land church doesn't, I'm pretty sure it and Bro Jimmy were based on one particularly obnoxious little group.
"In chess there are rules. In Russian Politics, no rules." - Garry Kasparov on 10/17/07

the-caitiff is offline   Reply With Quote

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
101 Responses To "Go Out With Me, Evans?" by Dudette13 - T - One Shot - James/Lily liath Recycling Bin 19 08-04-2009 02:37 PM
JK Rowlings new book, only one copy for sale. Can you say "Attention whore"? Garret P.I. General Discussion 2 11-01-2007 01:26 PM
"How I Plan To Spoil My My Daughter's Harry Potter Mania!" Vengashii General Discussion 15 07-19-2007 03:24 AM
Random Monday, aka "Nukular Winter's Excellent(?) Adventure" Nukular Winter Real Life Discussion 15 12-08-2006 07:15 AM

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:06 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2005 - 2011 Darklordpotter.net. All rights reserved.
No personal intellectual property on this site may be used without the credit and express permission of the respective authors.