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WIP A Long Journey Home by Rakeesh - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by pbluekan, Sep 3, 2014.

  1. Johnnyseattle

    Johnnyseattle Auror DLP Supporter

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    When this story is done (Which I hate to think about), it's going to be cool to go back and read it in chronological order, maybe see if there are any other tie-ins like Newcomb mentioned that I didn't notice. It'll be like watching the properly ordered version of Memento or something.
     
  2. Newcomb

    Newcomb Headmaster

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    FFN makes me sad.
    :facepalm

    There needs to be an emoticon for "CLUE BUS. POPULATION: NOT YOU."

    Yeah, real fuckin' unlikely they'd use those same words... UNLESS THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE STORY WAS THAT JASMINE TRAVELED BACK IN TIME AND WAS INADVERTENTLY THE PRIME TEACHER OF MAGIC IN EGYPT.
    Also, this guy:
    If I ever got a review like that on FFN, I'd... well, I'd ignore it, because I'm a mature human being who has this thing called perspective. But, my first reaction would just be utter, black hatred. I think I would need 1,000-1,500 words to really get in to the nitty gritty about why this review makes me so angry, but, short version, that tone is just mind-bogglingly condescending. I hope Rakeesh can stand losing a reader who has His Angel in his/her favorites, and a published 5K word one-shot with the following summary:
     
  3. S1234567890m

    S1234567890m Third Year

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    Well yeah, the guy/girl should say what was missing it's only polite. But bashing them because they like a story you don't... sad
     
  4. Ferdiad

    Ferdiad Auror

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    Don't be a FFN apologist.
     
  5. NuScorpii

    NuScorpii Professor

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    I finally got around to reading this. There are parts of it that I like, and parts that I don't.

    I don't like anything that happens in the present, perhaps because of how all of the conversations in the present seem awkward and forced. I don't mean in the way they would be awkward and forced between friends who have changed after a long time apart, but in a way that makes it seem like the author is trying too hard.

    That said, almost everything in the past is very enjoyable, be it the Merlin arc, the Dumbledore oneshot or the latest arc on Wadjet/Mallika.

    I will give this a 4/5 for the enitre fic, as the parts that I found enjoyable were definitely 5/5.
     
  6. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

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    So, I gave this fic a second chance and once you're over the hill and into Arthurian legend it does improve a lot.

    My criticism of Jasmine's character remains in place, but I find myself minding a lot less. Yes, she's nebulous, and yes, the way she's trying to reintegrate herself into a friendship with Ron and Hermione doesn't make much sense, but the ride is too fun to care.

    Pros:

    - Non-linear arc order, with linear storytelling within arcs
    - Very well-written, touching Merlin romance
    - Great witty humour
    - Jasmine's habit of adopting different identities and living different lives
    - The focus on Jasmine's speech as hinting to her character
    - The Dumbledore chapter. Really hope old!Jasmine and Dumbledore had another chance to meet, just so we can watch more interaction
    - The use of pre-occlumency memory loss as a way to explain Jasmine's attitudes to Ron and Hermione in chapter 1.
    - Sprinkling of history.


    Cons:

    - Chapter 1 is really awful and has probably put people off the fic, as it seems like Jasmine is acting faux-mysterious, doing that indy!Harry thing where he just goes around acting cold to people because the author thinks it makes him look cool.
    - The inevitable "everyone finds out" big reveal.
    - The magic doesn't feel very HP-like.
    - Angst
    - Involvement in WWII sounds like a drag.

    4/5
     
  7. pbluekan

    pbluekan Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    So, I can't exactly remember what the rules are on necro-ing threads, but I think the rule is that it's OK, so long as the post contributes to the discussion.

    So, I basically agreed with your post Taure, rating aside, however, it was this portion, which was listed in the 'Cons' that confused me.

    You are, along with Newcomb here, probably one of the masters of HP magic systems and it is always entertaining to read your take on that aspect of a fic.

    Personally, what we see of the magic in A Long Journey Home fits right in with what I understand of canon HP, which essentially boils down to willpower(or emotion), intent, and imagination, with a few rules attached. That said, we don't actually see that much magic. It kind of takes a bit of a backseat; we really see it most in the first chapter and the initial part of the Merlin arc.

    That said, what exactly did you find 'off' about the magic?
     
  8. gamarad

    gamarad Second Year

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    It just got a big (17000 word) update.
     
  9. pbluekan

    pbluekan Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    Speaking of updates, this story should probably be moved to the AU section of the library given its current rating.
     
  10. yak

    yak Moderator Moderator DLP Supporter

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    It's hardly decisive. It's hovering right on 3.50 now. It's tentative enough that if I were to change my 2/5 to a 1/5 score it'd drop to 3 stars.
     
  11. Stan

    Stan Order Member

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    Don't make me kill you.

    Oh, and nice update. I like slice of life chapters like these with lots of enjoyable character interactions. It seems like the rest of the arc will have Rahn trying to discover legilimency and Rahji finding a way to save Ayati. I wonder if it will have any greater conflict though, like the one between Jasmine and Morgause.

    All in all, great story. My favorite WIP after On the Way to Greatness and The Changeling, and those two almost never update.
     
  12. Ncjeur

    Ncjeur Second Year

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    I love this story. Can't understand why it isn't in the library- it's so much better than many stories in there.

    The chapter was quite interesting, especially because the author makes the egyptian magical world seem somewhat believable. However, I'm wondering as well if we'll get to see a bigger conflict, or if the author will end the arc within the next chapter or two...
     
  13. Hiraelle

    Hiraelle Third Year

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    This is one of my favorites.
    I don't really care about the chapters that take place in the present, but the exploration of the distant past is very enjoyable.
    I grew attached to all the OCs that are necessary in this sort of fic, which is something that can be difficult.
    Very well written, and the non-linear arc order is definitely a good idea.
    It doesn't update very frequently, but all the updates are consequent, at least.
     
  14. yak

    yak Moderator Moderator DLP Supporter

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    It's a pretty shitty fic, but I'm not so petty that I'd change my vote just to keep it out of the Library.

    It's fine that you're passionate about the story, but odd that you're so driven to get it into DLP's Library.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2015
  15. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Was recently rereading.

    I can't figure out if I hate this or if it's the best thing I've ever seen in fanfic.

    On the one hand, it's the kind of character detail that you normally only see in professional literary fiction. The kind of small touch that gives characters great depth.

    On the other hand, it's a Dursley abuse thing, which is meh.

    I think I love it. Even though it's Dursley abuse stuff, it avoids venturing into angst or preaching.
     
  16. pbluekan

    pbluekan Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    It's Dursley abuse, yes, but not the cliche kind we see in most fanfics. I read it as the canon abuse that we know is present. Sure, it is a little angsty, but most of the 'present day' portions are a little angsty, and not without reason.
     
  17. Jswords

    Jswords Squib

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    I like the flashback idea that Rakhesh uses but I do wish that the historical aspects were in a linear fashion as that would be a little easier to read. Also female-Harry took some getting used to.
     
  18. Darth Tarded

    Darth Tarded Squib

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    Tried reading a few chapters of this and I have to agree with Taure. The worst con for me is the angst and the best pro is the non linear arcs. Jasmine's personality is a little too jarring for me to want to continue reading, which is kind of sad cause the snippets of magical history she's involved in help make the background pretty cool. It doesn't look like it lends itself to much of a plot though.
     
  19. Nerdman3000

    Nerdman3000 Slug Club Member

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    It's Alive! Finally we get a update and new chapter to the story.
    Chapter 13
     
  20. Nazgus

    Nazgus Death Eater

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    I gotta say, the old world stuff is infinitely more enjoyable than all the present day scenes. Simply love the way she's rediscovering/inventing a lot of magic.

    The memory loss arc seems to be on its final few chapters, curious as to where we'll go next.