Originally posted by Brooklynight:

 

It'd be a crime if I didn't post this one:

TAKE ME BACK by ELIZARTEMIS
Everything youn thought you knew Harry Potter has been destroyed and recreated. Read if you dare i hope you have an open mind. Warning:intense love scenes will need clean underwear afterwards.
Fiction Rated: M - English - Action/Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 12399 - Reviews: 17 - Updated: 2-3-07 - Published: 1-16-07

Sponsored by Association of Underwear Manufacturers Worldwide?

 

4. Harry Potter and the Daughter of Lord Voldemort by Eilitan

Ron's cousin transfers to Hogwarts and Harry starts to like her. Will liking her put Harry in danger and when she's in danger will he be able to save her without endangering himself and her?

Fiction Rated: K+ - English - General - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1473 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 2-3-07 - Published: 2-3-07

... Wait? Ron's the second cousin of Voldemort? Well, that explains a lot. No self-insertion here (in the few short words there are).

 

Well that tells me so much about the fic, I might just read it...

I don't know what happenes. Tell me what happenes! I need to know what happens...what happens?!

Um...sorry, but...wtf?!

 

Well, this is a good way to ruin my day...

Startling Revelations by xxbabysparklesxx
At first Harry sat there in shock, but then surprised himself by responding as Malfoy’s lips moved persistently over his, completely forgetting his surroundings. He opened his mouth and let out a moan when he felt Malfoy’s tongue slide against his own.
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 4 - Words: 11853 - Reviews: 17 - Updated: 2-4-07 - Published: 10-14-06

 

Yewww...And then of course, you had to ruin everybody else's day too

ObSummary:

Edit: I just _had_ to read the first chapter of that monstrosity:
my name is ginerva serenity-rosa janet-angela madonna weasley and i am a goth angel from hell. Satan creted me in his labratory to kill dumbeldore so he could tak over teh world. so he gave me specal powers cuz i am a goth angel from hell. i have long black hair its really shiny cuz i use lots of sleekeaszy potion in my hare., and my eyes are dark green and full of tears like stars in my pale pale face cuz i dont get much sunlight being a goth angle from hell. my wings arent pink cuz pink is a preppy color, there black like the nite. im sry if ur jealous but yeah im reaely hot and Satan knew that cuz he wanted to make ppl fall in luv with me so that he clould manpilaute them.

 

Please Die.

That quote was, wrong?

No, beyond wrong, EVIL!!!11!!!1

 

I didn't dare to look inside ...

Well, yeah, Hermione is exactly that type of teen who spends her spare time as a stable girl.


EDIT:

And the following really is something for DLP reviewers:

Spoiler

Harry Potter and the Great War by ThePQ4

Spoilers for OotP AU: Harry arrives at OotP HQ, where he learns of his true paternity, undergoes a drastic change to hide from the Dark Lord. At school, the last thing he ever expects happens when he falls in love with Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley.

 

Give links please. I must see the horribleness.

 

You really don't have to be completely lazy, you know. When it looks like it's copy and pasted from ff.net it's pretty easy to put in http://www.fanfiction.net/~[authorname]

Like: http://www.fanfiction.net/~ThePQ4 or http://www.fanfiction.net/~Kinkerchu

And look, there are both fics. Ta-da.

I skimmed the first chapter of ThePQ4's "Great War" fic. Seriously awful. Snape's gay, loved Lily, is Harry's real dad, and is screwing Lupin. It's like the author is trying to make the worst combination of characteristics possible.

 

And those were the first two things on the damn screen when I opened the Harry Potter list on ff.net. Jeebus.

EDIT: Lmfao-- and this shit:

 

No.

What the fuck is rivaly?
​

 

Here's a good one. Rare thing to see such an honest author.

Orion Riley Lupin by TooManyUnfinishedStories
Harry finds out that his parents are Lily and James Potter but Lily Potter and Remus Lupin. He's a werewolf, they go back in time, da, da, da... it's stupid.
Fiction Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8052 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 2-7-07 - Published: 2-7-07

EDIT: Another goodie.

Harry Potter Likes Me, But I'm A Guy! by Glaceo
Hermione likes Aaron but Aaron likes Natalie who seems to like Harry who also likes Aaron but is with Cedric but both of them like Cho who doesnt know theyre bi. Teenage romance was never this twisted..
Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 17 - Words: 15476 - Reviews: 29 - Updated: 2-8-07 - Published: 12-13-06

 

DLR, after a little research, it turns out that Ordinary Magic is a cliche basher.

Edit: And it's a funny-like one.

 

Hmm. Still, what the fuck is a rivaly?

 

DLR, I think a rivaly is a retarded persons version of a rival. You see the people who write these horrible fics have a different view of the world that we do. That view is usually influence by acid or some other type of drug. Then they feel the need to force their idiots views upon us and we have to suffer through them.

That's the only theory that I have.

 

If I was a wizard, the only guy I'd fuck for a car would be Draco Malfoy. In the head. With a rusty spork.

I chanced a glance at the first chapter. I literally fled in disgust when seeing the words "Honda Civic" and "guitar class".

 

This one's a bit desperate, eh?

Betrayal, The Enemy's Weapon by Ever In The Shadows
COMPLETED! Can a new girl help Harry? The Emotion, Betrayal is what Voldemort is using as a source of power this time, will this be the end of this 7 year battle? PLEASE REVIEW! FLAMES, ANONYMOUS, SIGNED WHATEVER! JUST A REVIEW!
Complete - Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 16 - Words: 34,959 - Reviews: 26 - Updated: 2-10-07 - Published: 3-2-04