1. The second prompt is revealed! (Q2 2018)

    "Breaking into Snape's office in the middle of the night was a risky move at the best of times..."

    Deadline is June 18th, also known as the 22nd Anniversary of a seriously sad day—a tremendously black day for anyone.

    As with before you can check out the new thread discussing scoring, rules, and other such matters in the in the Story Competitions forum.

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Is The Lie I've Lived better than Goblet Of Fire?

Discussion in 'Hall of Shame' started by jetplane, Sep 25, 2015.

  1. jetplane

    jetplane Banned

    Sep 24, 2015
    Jbern's rework of the Goblet Of Fire is absolutely brilliant. I feel it surpassed Goblet OF Fire in every way.
  2. Perspicacity

    Perspicacity High Score: 3,994 Prestige DLP Supporter

    Nov 27, 2007
    High Score:
    While I liked TLIL, no, it doesn't.

    My opinion > yours.
  3. Stan

    Stan Order Member

    Aug 19, 2014
    No. While TLIL is far better than his other stories, JBern was always more hype than substance.

    Also, the sheer horror and emotion of the graveyard scene is better than pretty much anything fanfiction has ever produced.
  4. S1234567890m

    S1234567890m Third Year

    Aug 28, 2014
    Not even close.
  5. Joe's Nemesis

    Joe's Nemesis High Score: 2,058 Prestige

    Jan 29, 2012
    High Score:
    the hell . . . ?
  6. Anarchy

    Anarchy Fourth Champion DLP Supporter

    Dec 12, 2009
    TLIL is not a good story. Seriously, once you look past the massive distraction that is the obnoxious sorting hat, there story just isn't that good. It's JBern's trademark - throwing in a whole bunch of useless shit that makes the story dumb, IE, dodgespell tournaments & Luna in Bungle, and crap like broom sponsorships and extreme character polarization in TLIL.

    for the record, the ONLY thing I think TLIL got right is allowing each of the other two schools to enter a second champion into the tournament without the magical binding contract stuff.
  7. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

    Jan 6, 2009
    What? No. Despite both of them being Harry Potter, this is like comparing apples to oranges. Yeah, they're both fruit, but that's about it.

    The writing styles are different, even in some fundamental ways (1st vs 3rd). The target demographic changed, with TLIL being targeted at a slightly older audience than GoF (IIRC Harry got a flat out maturity bump via James somehow). So forth. So on.

    I don't think it's better, but then I was never a fan of TLIL anyway. Too much romance for me. But even if I loved TLIL I'd still think that rating popular, well-written fanfics as better/worse than canon is silly.

    Edit: I don't think that adding things like dodgespell Tournaments or broom sponsorships is 'bad.' I think it's good to see authors develop the Wizarding World in realistic ways beyond what we saw in canon. There is a point at which it stops to add flavor and starts to just take up space, but I don't personally JBern crossing that line.
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2015
  8. Stan

    Stan Order Member

    Aug 19, 2014
    The hell not....

    Aside from the badly done villian-ization and bashing of canon characters, random OOCness, over-the-top humiliation of characters (Malfoy in TLIL) and the dozen other faults I can list? I was mostly referring to the annoyingly self-hyping and arrogant summaries of his main fics:

    Sure. Take ideas from Jo, fiddle with it and then claim to make it the way it should have been? Of course, the fact that it should not have been (for rather obvious reasons) is another matter entirely....

    Jbern's fics are guilty pleasures at best. There are too many objective faults with them to be anything more.
  9. jetplane

    jetplane Banned

    Sep 24, 2015
    "I'd like a word, Potter." One of the ginger dillweeds approaches me. He's clearly been waiting for me to come down from my dorm room. The coomon room is pretty full. The smell of confrontation is in the air.

    "What makes you think I have anything to say to you Fred, or is it George?"

    "If you can't tell, there's no point in saying. Either way, we know you were behind the dungbomb explosion.”

    “How can you be certain? I’ve heard that storing cheap wheezes together can lead to know end of trouble.”

    “Your best mate Granger is sharp as a tack, but gullible. We simply went to her and said you admitted to it and if we wanted to know why we should ask her and she’d explain. Granger seems to take herself very seriously, doesn’t she?”

    Undone by Hermione’s need to lecture people, curses! I look over at her on the couch and watch her mouth an apology to me. “Okay, so what? I got rid of all your toys. Boo-Effing-Hoo. You two left me tied up in a blanket at the edge of the forbidden forest. Ever think about that? How about sticking Neville to the wall just because he wouldn't tell you where we went to?”

    My voice is raised enough that we’re now the center of attention. “You’re going to pay, Potter.”

    I laugh, “I’ve got a couple of Knuts in my robes here somewhere. Is that about right? Look you and your brother are small time compared to the Marauders and if I didn’t have this tournament to deal with I’d like nothing better than to run circles around the two of you on a daily basis, but I just don’t have the time right now. There’s a week or so when the tournament ends. Check back then and we can have a jolly old time.”

    “You’d like that wouldn’t you? You’re not getting the last laugh here Potter. Any day you’ve got a task, we’ll go easy on you. Any other time, we can and will make your life miserable!”

    Hermione’s wide eyes tip me off and I flatten as the hex flies over my head. Balding jinx by the look of it. It strikes an unfortunate second year named Natalie. The other twin must have been disillusioned, but he’s visible now. My Disarming charm is blindingly fast and I stick that wand to the wall. I spin to the other one only to find him frozen in mid-draw. Hermione's expression is not amused. She's a fast draw when angered. I give her a wink and notice Ron has his wand out as well. Who was he planning on helping?

    "Enough!" Holly Lynch bellows trying to reassert control and restore some semblance of order. "Not in the dorms, not in the common room. Five points from everyone that cast a spell or two points from everyone who drew their wand – or tried to draw their wand. This tower is off limits to your little prank war. You get me Weasleys? Potter? Granger? There are other students in this tower and we have tests, homework, and the rest of our lives to think about! Without trying to do it in your personal playground! Beth, do you still have some Hair Restorative? Go get it. Its okay Natalie honey, don't cry. We'll get you fixed up in a second."

    Her scathing gaze tries to literally burn a hole through the wandless twin and then me after the twit balks. I meet her stare and reply, "It's about damn time you started acting like you're in charge. Let's see if you can keep it up or if you're just putting on a show."

    Harry putting Fred and George in their place instead of stupidly giving them 1000 galleons like in GOF is better.
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2015
  10. Typhon

    Typhon Unspeakable

    Sep 3, 2010
    This mirrors my thoughts.

    That said, it always astounds me to see the hate for JBern. I mean, his heyday was a little before my time, but he really wrote fairly compelling fanfiction. Maybe not to everyone's taste, and the bashing is annoying now although very much a product of the time, but let's be realistic - if studied too closely, any of the old greats have antiquated mindsets.

    TILL is objectively very good fanfiction, at least for when it came out. Still well above average imo. The novels are just truly excellent in most regards.
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2015
  11. jetplane

    jetplane Banned

    Sep 24, 2015
    “So, are you really going to try it, Harry?” Ron part asks and part demands.

    "In a minute, let her eat some of her meal. So, do you want to come along and see how it's done?"

    Ron looks uncomfortable. Then again, he is a fourteen year old boy faced with the prospects of asking a girl out for the first time in his life. "Uh … sure … I guess."

    I let Fleur eat uninterrupted for ten minutes, while I dust off that old Potter charm. James Potter's record was impressive, but he did go down in flames on more than one occasion, though getting him to admit that fact was another story altogether. Everything I've learned about her says, I should just simply ask. If she says no, I should just play it off and not stand there looking like an idiot. I've had enough practice doing that in this lifetime.

    With the lunch period drawing to a close, the Beauxbaton table begins to empty. It's now or never. "C'mon mate."

    Ron follows me and I walk up to behind Fleur and Aimee, looking at the questioning glares of the witches serving as Fleur's first line of defense. Clearly, they aren't certain what to make of Harry James Potter.

    Join the club. I'm making it up as I go along. Aimee turns and looks at me with an arched eyebrow and a slight grin on her face.

    As Fleur turns around, I discover my error. Ron loudly says, "Would you please go to the ball with me? I'm begging you … please?"

    Fleur doesn't even turn. She clucks her tongue against the roof of her mouth and sighs. "Since I don't know the sound of your voice, I'm guessing we've never exchanged words. The fact that you're coming over here at the last second means that you've spent all lunch working up the nerve and the best you can do is beg. Go far away and leave me alone." Poor Ron's flummoxed, trying to figure out what to say next. Aimee nudges

    Fleur and she finally turns around wiping her lips with a napkin. "Oh, you are William's leetle brother. Did you honestly believe I would go with you?" His mouth is moving, but no words are coming out. I'd almost forgotten what a cold hearted wench she can be in public. Fleur looks away from Ron and notices me.

    She appraises me and I meet her gaze. "Well Harry?"

    Good question. My eyes flick over to Ron. He's more than crushed. I make a snap decision zig when I should zag. "Ron probably didn't mean to ask you. He was just overcome by your aura. Besides, that'd really piss off Bill if you did take him up on it. Me, I was trying to show him how to properly ask a pretty witch to this Yule Ball."

    Fleur tilts her head in amusement. "And just how does Harry Potter ask a witch to this dance?"

    I look up at the ceiling and scratch my chin in thought and switch to French. "Well, I would tell her how much she has impressed me since I first met her. I would mention that she is gracious and supportive to her friends, has an intriguing sense of humor, and does not want for brains, talent, or, of course, beauty."

    Fleur smiles, "That is very well said. It's a little early for me to make a decision, but I will certainly keep you in mind."

    Reaching for my best "surprised" face, I reply, "Oh, my apologies, Fleur. I didn't mean to give you that impression. I'll certainly try to keep a space in my dance card open for you, but I was actually talking about Aimee. So Miss Beaucourt, do you have an escort to this dance yet, or may I have that honor?"

    Aimee's jaw drops as Fleur flushes to match Ron's embarrassment. Several of the witches actually gasp. I would say the scene is priceless, but it is going to cost me fifty galleons as soon as Hat hears about it. I consider it money well spent, if that's what it takes to knock Frosty the snow bitch down a peg or two. Let's see how Fleur handles the unexpected Bludger.

    "Do you need an answer right now?" Aimee stammers.

    I shake my head. "No, but before the staff duels this coming weekend would be appreciated. Naturally, I don't want you to think that I'll be taking it easy on you. See you around."

    I lead the still shocked Ron away with an inner grin threatening to bust out on my face. Sometimes, it's good to be me.

    Come on HJ is million times better than Canon Harry
  12. Anarchy

    Anarchy Fourth Champion DLP Supporter

    Dec 12, 2009
    Those two passages are actually examples I would use to show why the story ISN'T good. Extreme polarization between Weasley Twins and Harry, mentions of a LOL PRANK WAR. And then you have an alleged Harry/Fleur story, where usually one of the big payoffs is the yule ball, which ends up Harry/Aimee for what purpose? Oh yeah, because it's not actually Harry. It's James Potter, who has seven years more experience than Harry.
  13. Banta

    Banta The Chosen One DLP Supporter

    Jul 14, 2006
    So? For as compelling as JBern's stories are they are fanfics. Comparing an amateur production to a professionally published work is asinine.
  14. jetplane

    jetplane Banned

    Sep 24, 2015
    “I’m impressed. I didn’t think you’d be such a fast learner.” The Head Girl sends a bit of praise my way, even if she sounds annoyed at babysitting me. “It looks like you’ll be Apparating in no time.”

    I ponder what Melinda Turpin would think if she knew that I was holding back? I try to maintain my interest by examining her shapely little backside. It’s a far more attractive destination than the hoop sitting a few feet away. “I’m always getting into sticky situations and this seems like an important thing to know. Besides, the sooner I master this, the sooner the both of us can get four hours of our week back. Are you ready for the Knowledge Bowl tomorrow?"

    "As ready as I can be, I suppose. Lots and lots of studying." Obviously, it’s not just Hermione feeling the pressure.

    "Pucey still being an unsupportive prat?" This draws a mocking bit of laughter from one of the nearby Slytherins out there with us and Melinda shoots him a dirty look.

    "We're on a bit of a break for the moment."

    I don’t pay much attention to the legendary Hogwarts Gossip Network, but two nights ago, I saw them walking together after my little spat with the twins, so this must be a late-breaking development. "Oh, I see. Well, I figured he couldn't handle it. Good on you." This evokes another guffaw from the Slytherin.

    "I didn't ask for you approval, Potter. Shouldn't you be concentrating?" She's gets red in the face and looks suddenly upset. Oh, it looks like she was given the heave ho. Subtle move there Pucey, cutting her loose a few days before her biggest day in the spotlight – probably hoping to throw off her performance. That’s a petty loser if I’ve ever seen one.

    "It’s his loss then Melinda. A talented witch like you deserves better than a bottom feeder. Your coattails are better off without him weighing them down.”

    “Just let it be and get focus on why you’re here – Apparating.” She sounds a bit defeated.

    I stay quiet and continue pretending to work on Apparition. Next time we’re out here, I’ll go ahead and really try and get this out of the way. With the staff duels coming up, I’ve spent almost no time practicing with one since the Puzzle room challenge is consuming the majority of my time. I’ll risk losing a few archaic staff matches, if it means getting my grubby little Animagus hooves on Flamel’s pensieve.
    Thirty minutes later, the gong sounds and all the students practicing start taking their hoops over to the stand. An idea has begun to take shape – an awful, evil idea worthy of a once and future Marauder. I linger for a moment next to Turpin and make certain the eavesdroppers are gone.

    “Thanks for hanging out here with me, Melinda.”

    “You’re welcome, Harry. If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to studying. Roger will probably be down here with you next week.”

    I lightly grab her arm. “I didn’t want to say this while Gartner was around, but it seems to me that Pucey did this to you on purpose just before your big moment. He wants you to do poorly.”

    Her look accuses me. “Why do you think that?”

    “Because he’s a guy who can’t stand that his girlfriend is better than he’s ever going to be. Instead of rooting for you, he’s sabotaging you and counting on you to fail. He wants you to fail. Then after you botch it, he’ll graciously take you back and make it seem like you can’t succeed without him.”

    “How do you know this?”

    I can’t exactly tell her how threatened old JP was of Lily’s success now can I? “Let me guess, you’re not so hot when it comes to tomorrow’s subjects Transfiguration and Magical History?”

    “They’re not exactly my strongest subjects.” She replies cautiously.

    “Exactly, he wouldn’t have considered this if Ancient Runes was in the mix. Even confunded and half awake, you’d destroy the competition in that subject. So, like the little snake he is, he does this at the worst possible time … for you that is. You need to shake it off and concentrate on doing as well as you can. Show him you don’t need his little games.”

    I can see her anger building. “Merlin, you’re right! I’m an idiot. Well not any more. I’m going to go do some serious studying.”

    “Need someone to quiz you?”

    “Yes, but everyone has class this afternoon except for the team members. The other Prefects are covering all the rounds this evening. I suppose I could ask one of them.”

    I clear my throat, “Normally, I have Potions with Madame Pomfrey this afternoon, but today’s lesson is something I’ll be able to get through rather quickly. I’ll be happy to lend a hand.

    She starts to say that I’m only a fourth year, but clearly remembers the golem from my duel with Cedric. “How good are you at Transfiguration, Potter?”

    I give her a dazzling smile. “It’ll be like a private lesson with McGonagall, only I’m much more adorable.”
    A bleary eye regards me, “What time is it?”

    I shift pressing close to Melinda. A thin sheet separates our naked bodies; she's obviously a cover hog. “About three in the morning. Go back to sleep.” I stroke a few loose curls off of her face.
    The second eye opens and a flood of memories, hopefully pleasant come back to her. “Oh Merlin! You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t have been here at all! We shouldn’t have done that! Shit! I’m almost eighteen and you’re what? Just barely fourteen!”

    I smile in the dim light and try to calm her before she goes into a panic. “I don’t know about you, but I had fun. Was I better than Pucey?”

    She practically hisses back at me, “Yes, but that’s not the point! This was wrong and no one can find out about this.”

    Okay, it was probably shameful of me to dazzle Melinda here with my knowledge of Transfiguration for several hours, sneak down to my laboratory and return with a bottle of rum to help her relax, and finally convince her that a massage would get rid of all that tension – among other things – before the competition in the morning. On the other hand, I really needed a good shag and despite what she’s saying now, a few hours ago, she seemed to believe it was a smashing idea on more than one occasion. I have very good hands and the memories of a rather successful Casanova up in my skull. Even with the age difference, it hadn’t been that hard to get her to drop her defenses and shortly afterwards her robes. It makes me wonder how that time at Oliver’s apartment with Penny really would have gone if he hadn’t interrupted.

    I shift and start nuzzling her neck. There’s a sweet spot around there somewhere. Ah, there it is. In between,

    I whisper to her. “No one will. I’m not some braggart Melinda. Not a soul in this castle will know except for the Sorting Hat. Even if I was, people would probably be congratulating you. Still, I don’t want to see either of us up on the front page of the Prophet and I don’t want any of those so called ‘reformed’ Death Eaters to catch wind of this. I’m a notoriously private person and aim to keep it that way.”

    “You mean you’re not expecting us to be a couple or something?” I can’t tell if she’s disappointed or relieved, probably a bit of both.

    “I like you Turpin. You’re a sweetheart. I wasn’t lying when I said that you’re an attractive witch with a brilliant future ahead of you. I’m not expecting anything. I just didn’t want you to go into that competition tom … well, today doubting yourself. You needed someone to remind you how good you really are. I didn’t mind volunteering.”

    Her resistance is fading. In the dim light, I grab a wand off the nightstand – hers I think and use a Breath Freshening charm on both of us to make snogging a bit more pleasant and take a quick swig from the remaining alcohol and pass it to her. Firewhiskey’s good for getting pissed, but nothing sets the mood like a little Captain Morgan. This spiced stuff was introduced after JP met his end, but he would have liked it. I sure do. One thing's for certain – she's got a little captain in her.

    A few minutes pass and we’re both wide awake now. “Harry, we should stop. I should either be sleeping or studying. This is … nice, but it's still wrong.”

    “Fine, what are Preylette’s four principles of elemental Transfiguration? You answer correctly and I’ll keep doing this.”

    “It’s a little hard for me to compose a proper answer when you’re doing that with your hands.”

    “Consider it a simulation of answering under pressure, unless you want me to stop?” I tease her slightly.

    “…no, keep going. Preylette’s four principles cover the transfiguration of base stone into … into living material. The first refers to the amount of innate resistance to alteration based on the density and type of stone…The second is…”

    I half-heartedly listen, but only to make certain she’s getting it right, although repeatedly stammering “faster Harry” during an answer might cost her some points in the overall scoring. After only five questions, she doesn’t feel like studying anymore and wants to move onto a subject that interests me as well.

    All that’s left is for me to sneak into her water closet and put a little “HJ” next to the “JP and SB” and put a single line under it. Oh yeah, and I still want to know why Roger calling her “Mindy” yanks her chain.
    JKR can only dream writing an Harry this awesome.

    ---------- Post automerged at 02:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:22 AM ----------

    Despite my hectic schedule, I make time to attend my next class with Malfoy. I’m sure if people knew the whole story, they’d think this was petty on my part, but honestly I couldn’t care less about what others might think. That was always Harry’s big hang up, constantly worrying about standing out. Fortunately, James knew a thing or two about standing out and doing it in style. I might as well make the most of my unique situation.

    From my table near him, I gesture to the Hat as Malfoy comes in. The Hat can take over from here. “There he is, Hat.”

    The Hat whispers to me, “Indeed, Potter, watch and learn how it is truly done.” Raising its voice it laughs, “I find it odd that people who preach about breeding would hold him up as an example. How’s that mark feel little wizard? Would you like me to sing a song in honor of the occasion?”

    Listen up, you stupid brats
    For I have a tale to tell.
    Of how a Malfoy got his Brand
    and wet his pants as well.

    It started with the wizard’s cup
    the Tri school competition.
    And ended with a Malfoy pup
    getting boned in the bent position.

    An honorable duel, this little brat
    tried secretly to reave.
    But his potion caught him out, the rat.
    And a crime he did achieve.

    He wailed and cried and tried to blame
    the wiles of lovely Fleur.
    But truth was seen by cup of flame
    And his lies it did deter.

    The Malfoy twat red-handed caught
    was dragged before the cup.
    And just as it aught
    when asked it was, its answer it shot up.

    "A brand you'll get, the curs mark yet!"
    the punishment decreed.
    And Dumbledore, that fossil bore,
    Did the punishment accede.

    A flash of fire, a burning brand.
    Which will fade from him no more.
    But the cherry was, he'd pissed himself
    whilst lying on the floor.

    So what's the moral of this story?
    You ask trying not to think.
    If you can't figure out this allegory,
    then Hogwart's teachers stink.

    The lesson for today is learnt
    From this loathsome spotty rotter.
    That you'll always come out second best
    When you try and fuck with Potter.

    Draco scowls, “I did not soil myself!”

    “That’s not what everyone in the Great Hall heard.” The Hat reminds him.
    Malfoy responds by thrusting his hand into his robe only to quickly pull it out as if it had been stung as the Gryffindor’s laugh heartily. Even Goyle is fighting back a tiny smile.

    The Hat roars with laughter. “Priceless! The little shit doesn’t even know that consciously trying to hide the brand punishes him. It’s a magical mark you shriveled piece of crotchfruit! Have your spells been weaker? You may want to see if your wand is still a good match for you during the holidays?”

    As always, I’m in awe of Godric’s finest creation. The last was only a hunch we’d been discussing. Of the handful of people ever to receive this punishment, none had ever written about deeper effects. Still, forcing him to endure a few hours with Ollivander trying new wands is partial compensation for all the trouble the annoying git has given me over the years. It’s enough for now and if he wises up and steers clear of me, I can live with that.

    Somehow, I don’t think he’ll ever be that smart, so I’m fairly certain that this isn’t the end.

    “Think you’ve won, Potter?” Getting ripped a new one by a thousand year old hat makes Malfoy a little uncomfortable. He seeks safety in trying to draw me in to the conversation.

    “No, Delacour is on top of the standings for the moment. I’ve got some ground to make up, but give me some time.”

    He hisses, “I’m not talking about that!”

    I feign ignorance. “Then what are you talking about? The only time we’re ever in direct competition is on the Quidditch Pitch and we know how that has turned out. You seem to believe that we’re archrivals or something, which couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re just my annoying fourth or fifth cousin that I have to tolerate being around at school.”

    I hit him where it hurts by not only trivializing him, but reminding him that we’re distantly related through Dorea Black-Potter.

    Even a few of the Slytherins titter nervously in their chairs. They prefer to confront people when they have the advantage. My housemates surrounding me seem all too eager to get back in my good graces. Part of me wonders how much it would take to instigate a brawl right here in the Defense classroom.

    Draco scowls and glances towards the door looking for any signs of our “borrowed” Defense Instructor. I wonder if he’s pondering pulling out his wand. “Careful there, cousin, there’s no research on what might happen if you raise your marked hand to the party you wronged. The results could be fatal and your mum would be crying for her little baby again.”

    Now I was completely making things up, but the horrified expression was absolutely worth it and I got to work in his mum’s inadvertent slip of the tongue. Technically, Hogwarts is the wronged party, but who knows? The goblet might have its own interpretation of the punishment. Baby Draco is the first person to have this distinction in centuries.

    “This isn’t over Potter.”

    I shrug and roll my eyes, but my reply is directed to the Hat, “He seems delusional and believes there is something between us. Think I should be concerned?”

    “I thought you humans didn’t talk openly about homosexuality at this age, but it may explain the boy’s unhealthy fascination with you. Best watch your cornhole there, Potter. He’s likely to try and holster his wand in it.” I don’t have to look at Draco’s face to know that it is beet red. I guess the lesson is, don’t mess with Potter and certainly don’t mess with the Sorting Hat. The shocked laughter around us merely serves to underscore that point.

    Further conversation is interrupted by our new Defense instructor entering. Cornhole? That’s just wrong. Again, I wonder where the hell it comes up with these things.

    Has JKR ever written an epic scene like this about Malfoy Humiliation
  15. Oz


    Jan 31, 2008
    Baile Átha Cliath
    C'mon guys, obvious bait is obvious.
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