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Keeper Potter by Kung Lou - K+

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Kung_lou, Oct 10, 2006.

  1. Kung_lou

    Kung_lou Sixth Year

    Joined:
    May 19, 2006
    Messages:
    180
    Title: Keeper Potter
    Author name: Kunglou
    Rating: [K+]
    Genre: [Action/Supernatural]
    Pairing: [N/A]
    Status: [WIP]
    Summary: A betrayal leads to a new beginning a new path for revenge

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3191473/1/
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2006
  2. mcatrage

    mcatrage Raptured to Hell

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    USA
    Has some potential, kind of surprised we didn't get the normal harry being talked to while in jail about how he betrayed the light.

    3/5 maybe higher depends on more chapters.
     
  3. Raggerd

    Raggerd First Year DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2006
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    From what I remember from Dungeon Keeper it mostly revolves around sitting around waiting for people/stuff to come after you. I wonder how you will mix that passive side with a dark harry, which usually is more proactive.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2006
  4. Mercenary

    Mercenary Snake Eater

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    I dont know what Dungeon Keeper is but this fic shows promise... hope to see more.

    4/5
     
  5. Kung_lou

    Kung_lou Sixth Year

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    Thats not how the game was at all - in fact, with such limited resources unless you went on a very strong offensive, you lost. War by attrition was not the way to win latter levels.

    At the same time, you were clearly out to destroy everything good and prove dominence over fellow keepers.

    I think it has plenty of room and potential
     
  6. PsyckoSama

    PsyckoSama Groundskeeper

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Monster in your chest, about to jump out.
    Agreed. Its all about knowing how and when to attack. If you attack too soon, you get stomped. If you attack when your strength is at its peek, you can storm over your enemy like the unholy fist of a hateful dark god...

    This is espeically true once you get summon reaper. Dropping horny at the vangaurd of your assault can turn the tide of battle. I've had him wipe out entire levels worth of goodly heros...
     
  7. Lord Necros

    Lord Necros Slug Club Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    USA
    ugh that game was a bitch if you ran out of gold or hit a wall and got stuck
     
  8. Kung_lou

    Kung_lou Sixth Year

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    May 19, 2006
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    Thats it, sometimes you had to be very efficient in how you used your resources and very clever in how you took the fight to the enemy. On the latter levels, you just could not match the gold manner or quantity/quality of creatrues from enemy keepers.

    This forge will prove an ideal enviroment for this inde!Harry
     
  9. Lord Necros

    Lord Necros Slug Club Member

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    USA
    yes I agree and what if he foudn out this belogn to one of his relatives
     
  10. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

    Joined:
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    Okay...it looks really interesting. BUT...I can't read it. You're verbose enough, but the spelling and grammatical mistakes just keep forcing me to stop and reread the sentence again.

    If you edit this sometime, perhaps if you get a beta, I'll read it again. I don't want to sound uppity, because it actually looks really interesting, but I, and I'm sure some others will agree, find it hard to navigate through the errors.

    As someone odd once said, capitalization (and I know this doesn't apply here) is the difference between: I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse and I had to help my uncle jack off a horse. :p
     
  11. Kung_lou

    Kung_lou Sixth Year

    Joined:
    May 19, 2006
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    180

    You know, people keep saying this but I just cant see it. I have gone through it and gone through it and while I expect to perhaps miss a few word autocorrection mistakes and typos the gramatical mistakes...?

    Would some of you give me a couple examples to work from? because from here it sounds like it is a problem for all my writing and a glass ceiling to improvement.
     
  12. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    My advice, in case you aren't able to see the small mistakes yourself, wold be to get a beta. In the Fanfic Discussion forum, you can post under the 'Beta Needed' sticky or create a new thread if the rules have changed.
     
  13. Necrule Paen

    Necrule Paen DLP Elite DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    I don't have the time to be a full on beta but I will make an example of your first paragraph because you tend to make similar mistakes through out the sic.

    Harry swept in the command tent in disgust.

    This is wrong. It should be
    "Harry swept into the command tent, bearing a look of disgust."

    If not it reads as "Harry was sweeping in the command tent because the tent was disgustingly filthy."

    For future reference whenever you use the phrase "in [emotion]" after an action that action should illustrate that emotion.

    For example,

    After reading the outrageous amount of casualties in the battle report, he flung it away in disgust.

    Sweeping into a tent does not convey disgust. In fact, you give no reason why he is disgusted in that paragraph, you should either add the reason or discard that part of the sentence.

    His cloak billowed behind him and his combat armour was pock marked and gouged, a sign of the desperate fighting that he had just come from.

    His billowing cloak is not a sign of desperate fighting, I would put the cloak part into the first sentence since that description applies more to an entrance than the closer examination your second sentence implies.

    Also, ending a sentence with a preposition is bad grammar. A better sentence would be:

    "His combat armour was pock marked and gouged, a sign that he just came from the desperate fighting."

    The adrenaline rush that came from frantically fought and bloody combat failed to hide the tiredness in his limbs but the fact that they had cornered the dark lord Voldemort and his last remaining cohort elated him and he had strength enough to finish him today.

    This sentence is a run on, awkwardly phrased and makes you sound like a pompous windbag.

    I believe it would be better if you shortened it to something like:

    "The adrenaline rush from combat coupled with the elation that he feels from finally cornering Voldemort, gave Harry's weary limbs the strength to continue.

    However if you want to keep close to your original wording, you could have something like:

    The adrenaline rush from the frantic, bloody combat failed to hide the signs of tire in his limbs. However the fact that they have Voldemort and his cohort(s?) cornered elated and strengthened him, so he may finish him today.

    You will have to find a beta to look at the rest. But, hopefully you get the idea.
     
  14. Scrittore

    Scrittore Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2009
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    362
    So this is a fic is a whole one chapter, and seemingly abandoned.

    Lord General Potter? O.O

    Okay, I can understand the General Potter part but the Lord part? :rolleyes:

    Unless I'm mistaken, Harry is referring to people as valuable assets after saying the Minister of Magic and others have no idea about war. O.O

    Ten years, well at least Harry isn't 15 and leading an army.

    Sounds realistic, nice.

    This is one of the first fics where I've seen the entire Wizarding World go to a "Civil War".

    I'm liking pissedoff! Harry more and more.

    Though that would be a cool fic idea maybe if done right.

    Author misspells Weasley, eh.

    I won't spoil the rest of the story in the review since it seems good up to that point.

    Though I will comment on the rest. However, I must act this comment with the fact it sounds excellently done:

    Given what's there? It'd have to be a VERY strong 4. I really do wish there was more, however it was seemingly abandoned which was a shame. However, given the length, I'll have to this give a 3/5. If it were a full story, Library worthy, however since it's only one chapter it belongs in the Recycle Bin where it currently resides.
     
  15. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    3,948
    3/5 suits this story well.

    I kind of like the glimpse of a militarized story with mentions of storming castles, but it's too undetailed. Harry just ""blows a hole in the wall" and the castle is breached. That's it, Voldemort's imposing and super-fortified base basically invites Harry and Co. inside.

    For example, there's the idea of schematics for dark runes - and that's it. Nothing else to describe what it actually is except it empowers Harry and that it's carved into skin.

    It's like Only Enemies by leave this world. Very vague mentions of wand dueling stances and whatnot, so it's not really actual creativity at work. It's just throwing fictional technical jargon.

    And the dungeon keeper thing comes out of nowhere. Harry gets knocked over, and when he stands up he's in some other place facing a horned demon? WTF?

    The betrayal referred to in the summary was too obvious too. It's a mistake in writing, it's written from Harry's point of view, and it's written utterly blatantly that Weasley and Dumbledore trade dark looks behind Harry's back. That lack of subtlety doesn't really do anything for the reader.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2009