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WIP Naruto: Ouroboros by maneyan - M - Naruto

Discussion in 'Naruto' started by fiva55, Nov 18, 2011.

  1. fiva55

    fiva55 Squib

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    Messages:
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    Title: Naruto: Ouroboros
    Author: maneyan
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure/Romance
    Chapters: 27
    Words: 272,627
    Updated: August 16, 2013
    Published: September 26, 2011

    Status: WIP
    Fandom: Naruto
    Pairings: None (yet)
    Summary: AU: In the toss of a coin destiny is changed. Instead of a demon's might the power of science is born. Read on as Naruto the scientist, son of Minato, apprentice of Orochimaru, brother to the Kyuubi's jinchuuruki live out his days. Will become M-rated
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7415078/1/Naruto_Ouroboros

    I believe the idea of Naruto being apprenticed to Orochimaru has been used before, but I can't remember any good one besides this fic. The story starts of slow, allowing for plenty of character development. With 5 chapter completed at the moment, it is still hard to guess what direction the story will take. Some might find that a bad thing, but I prefer some unpredictability in the fics I read. I am especially curious at how the author will fit Mei in the story. With lengthy and regular updates and several other completed fics, I have some hopes that the author will be able to finish this one.

    Rated 4/5


    Checked by Minion, August 20, 2013
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2013
  2. disposablehead

    disposablehead Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
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    Your link is broken.

    Edit: And so is your story. All tell, no show, full of cliches and weak characters. It improves slightly after the first chapter, but still Barely Recommendable material at best. 2/5
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2011
  3. oghmanian

    oghmanian First Year

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Yeah, the link you gave leads to a F/SN story. I think this is what you wanted.

    I've only read the first chapter so far, but the story certainly doesn't start off slow. It skips over Naruto's apprenticeship in about a paragraph and by the end of the chapter Orochimaru's already dead.

    Mistakes like:
    are annoying and they crop up frequently enough to be distracting.

    I'll read the other chapters before giving a rating, but the first chapter was only meh. Not so horrible to make me x out, but nothing that really stuck out and pulled me in either.
     
  4. Vesvius

    Vesvius High Inquisitor DLP Supporter

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    I first heard of this one in Almost Recommendable, and I think that's where it should stay.

    2.5/5

    Enjoyable in a guilty pleasure sort of way.
     
  5. playinggod1

    playinggod1 Muggle

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2012
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    Naruto: Ouroboros By maneyan - T - Naruto

    Title: Naruto: Ouroboros
    Author: maneyan, http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1200445/maneyan
    Rating: T
    Genre: Action
    Status: WIP
    Fandom: Naruto
    Pairings: Naruto/Mei
    Summary: AU: In the toss of a coin destiny is changed. Instead of a demon's might the power of science is born. Read on as Naruto the scientist, son of Minato, apprentice of Orochimaru, brother to the Kyuubi's jinchuuruki live out his days. Will become M-rated

    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7415078/1/Naruto_Ouroboros


    Its rare that one comes across such a polished work, especially in a space like FF.net is. As clogged as it is with drivel and trash, this fic stands out as a work of art. The author takes you on a journey through this world, while making his own interpretation on the way through. It is a testament to writing and ingenuity, and I hope it gains a place in the library.

    5/5
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2012
  6. oghmanian

    oghmanian First Year

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    This story has already been submitted and found wanting. Link
     
  7. LT2000

    LT2000 Alchemist

    Joined:
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    I dunno. There's OOC and then there's this. I cannot and could not ever imagine Naruto in a lab coat working as a scientist. I do read this when updates come out, but it's hard to swallow the premise without a couple pounds of salt. There is nothing whatsoever about this Naruto that can be considered recognizable.

    I'd give it a 4/5 in I were in a generous mood, but Naruto's character is a little (okay, a lot) too contrary to what it actually is for me to give it a 5.

    EDIT: Furthermore, I just can't get behind the idea of Minato and Kushina neglecting Naruto or especially giving him over to Orochimaru. It just doesn't work.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2012
  8. Luckylee

    Luckylee Top 1 Percent Prestige

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    I would give this story a 3/5 for spelling and grammar, but this is a story about an OC called Naruto not Naruto.
     
  9. knight504

    knight504 The Chosen One

    Joined:
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    I can handle NINO if I find the characterisation or his role within the story, interesting. I'm sort of on the fence with this Naruto but I don't outright dislike him. And there aren't many fics with Orochimaru trained by Naruto around (that don't make my eyes bleed).

    Overall, I quite enjoy the story though there are parts which I wish were cut out completely. There's a bit too much telling and I end up skimming over the science-y bits, especially when they're not even relevant to the story. The bit about the Raijin was a complete borefest.

    And, as LT2000 said, the premise is difficult to sell and the first chapter isn't great. I found myself wanting to copy+paste it into Word and rewrite whole sections. But it does include some interest concepts which I'd been considering for my own fanfiction and I'll give it points for originality.

    4/5
     
  10. Paradox

    Paradox Squib

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North Carolina
    This story...no. Just no. Its well written and could have been great. But the way he wrote most characters was so OOC that i couldn't stand it.

    And Naruto seems to dam smug and smart in this story, i cant stand the bastard. Overrated pale ass limp dick Orochimaru wannabe.

    2/5 Because im nice and the author obviously put a lot of time into it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2012
  11. Aekiel

    Aekiel Angle of Mispeling Prestige DLP Supporter

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    While I can't see any of the canon Naruto in this version (that role is taken adorably by Kimiko), I am enjoying this fic. Sure, the spelling and grammar are average at best, Naruto is smug as you can get and arrogant in the extreme, but I like that the major conflict in the story isn't so much the enemies Naruto goes up against but his own internal demons stemming from his apprenticeship to Orochimaru. He's so damn similar to Orochimaru, but he realises it and tries to fight against it even when nobody else is around to notice.

    I also thought Naruto's grief at Anko's death was done very well. It read very much like what my own experiences with losing a family member/close friend is like, and it showed that despite his being a stickler for ethics and the likes that he's not above lashing out at people to try and assuage his inner demons. (Note, I didn't end up threatening peasants or sexually harassing a friend, but then I wasn't raised by Orochimaru, the creepy pervert.) The author also used it brilliantly to show how deep of an effect Orochimaru has had on Naruto; despite being a somewhat moral person, deep down the seeds of evil have taken root.

    Itachi's attempt at bonding over both he and Naruto being older brothers was amusing too. He may be a fanatic, but the author captures his love of Sasuke really well (as well as how powerful he really is).

    I don't like the way the Oto Survivors were incorporated into Konoha so easily. That could have been a major source of conflict in the story, and it could have been brilliant to see how the founding morals of the village had adapted (or not, in some cases) to the modern ninja world. Instead we've got practically universal acceptance of the newcomers, including the Uchiha Police/Itachi being berated by Minato for their rough treatment, and a military village giving what amounts to a seat at Parliament to a bunch of refugees. Not at all what I think should have happened. Making them a clan, sure, I can accept it. Giving them political power; no.

    Finally, my major problem with this fic is Minato. I like the way he regrets neglecting his family in favour of being Hokage, but then I see that he single-handedly kicked Kumogakure's ass, and that just does not make sense. Minato is the single most skilled and powerful ninja we've seen in canon (unless the Sage of the Six Paths has shown up - I stopped following the manga once 100,000 Zetsus turned up), but this story takes that idea and runs up Mount Everest with it. It also doesn't help that he's shown to be a bit of an idiot at times. This is not the Minato I picture in my head, who is calm, collected and thinks through the logical consequences of every action he takes as Hokage before deciding on a course of action. Ouroboros!Minato is nothing like that. He's supposed to be practically obsessed with his job, but the only reason he does it well is because the author wills it, with no justification otherwise.

    So, given all that... I'd give it a 3/5. There are a lot of flaws in the story: Naruto is nothing like his canon counterpart, Minato is a bit of an idiot, the plot is grossly illogical in places. That said, Naruto's character is fascinating to me, and his relationships with Anko, Kimiko, Guren and his parents are done extremely well. He feels like a well rounded character who is actually struggling to stop himself from becoming too like his master. These two things basically cancel each other out in my mind, which would leave it at 4/5, but then spelling and grammar comes into play, so 3/5 it is.
     
  12. Clerith

    Clerith Supreme Mugwump DLP Supporter

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    It was cool at first, I liked the whole idea of Orochimaru!Naruto, the characterization and combat was good, but the whole thing just fell into Naruto's mental issues. I couldn't stand the therapy and the whole thing with Rin. I liked this fic at first, but the more I read, the more I started disliking it.

    3/5, barely.

    I actually read the fic when it only had 11 chapters. However, starting from chapter 13, it's been very enjoyable. Loving the new arc too. I guess it might deserve 4/5 if it keep going like this. Even if Naruto is ridiculously obvious regarding Mei.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2012
  13. Shezza

    Shezza Renegade 4 Life DLP Supporter

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    So yeah. This is one of my current favourite Naruto stories.

    I like the characterisation and the plot is all bad. Orochimaru!Naruto is interesting to read and I love the bond between him and his sister.

    5/5
     
  14. Betosa

    Betosa Third Year

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    Shezza, someone hacked into your account?
    anyway, my first language isn't english and i'm only mediocre at best at english but the typos and the style of the writing till chapter 6 (all I read) put me off.
     
  15. merchantofam

    merchantofam Fifth Year DLP Supporter

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    I recently developed an interest for Naruto based fanfiction, so I haven't been exposed as of yet to the high quality ones. However from my limited standpoint I can say that the story has a nice flow that really draws in the reader.

    My complaints however include the slow plot procession, granted this is a quite a new take on the Naruto franchise and the author needs to build up their AU!Naruto world but it shouldn't take 16 chapters & ~170k words to see some signs of character/plot development.

    I also like Ouroboros!Naruto's character development. In the beginning we are presented with an automaton like character, however as the story progress we are show a slow thawing and even some semblance of humanity by the time he gets to Hidden Rain (sp?)

    Like Aekiel mentioned the author's characterization of Minato is poorly done. From the few cut scenes of Minato in anime, I get the sense he is supposed be a somewhat of a prodigy/savant of the ninja world. However imo Ouroboros!Minato can't fit this mold that I constructed. The other cannon characters are well done, though a tad 'overcooked' in some cases but that's just artistic license.

    Overall I would rate it a 3/5, but might raise the rating if I continue to see improvement and if the plot picks up in steam.
     
  16. Drake

    Drake Seventh Year

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    Caught up with Ouroboros, which was a roller coaster. That story is pretty much all of the place with every single part. Characters, plot, and pacing vary wildly at any given point. And it covers the gamut from great moments to absolutely cringe worthy moments.

    The end of Part 1 felt very half assed and one of the interesting ideas that was introduced literally went nowhere and was then thrown away.

    Overall, it held my interest. As it ranges across the whole scale I'd rate it at an average of 3/5. Definitely fun to read at times, but not that great.
     
  17. KingChaotic

    KingChaotic Squib

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    This is the kind of story you read if you really hated Naruto's canon personality. Because he has no similarity to his canon self in any form, its still a great story with quite good formatting and spelling (which is rare enough on ff.net) and has an original plot (again rare).

    Overall its 3/5 mostly because the ending was abrupt and terrible

    At this moment the Author has posted a sequel currrently with 4 chapters with sporadic updates. (link is here)
     
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