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WIP Of Sheep and Battle Chicken by LogicalPremise - M - Mass Effect

Discussion in 'Games' started by MonkeyEpoxy, Feb 24, 2015.

  1. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    I've read extremely long fics. The thing with OSABC is a lot of the scenes (especially action scenes) are overblown. But I checked out that Spirit thing and yeah, I'm not reading 3,4mln words without the strongest recommendation ever.
     
  2. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage Prestige

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    There is one thing in OSABC that I think needs to be a bit trimmed down and that is arguably a bit of a difficult thing to cut out, admittedly, so at the very least it needed to change. And that is the type of conversation that Shepard has with multiple people, most of which who are going to be her crew in which she basically says the same thing and thus we get to read the same conversation over and over again in which she laments that she is a monster, so incredibly fucked up and so on.

    I mean, I get it. She has these bonding moments with different people and she can't exactly make up new tragic backstories and we need to see her connecting with her crew so we get why they would follow her into hell and all but on the other side, it did drag the story a bit to basically read the same angsty conversation a few times.

    I don't pretend to know the solution here, but it is the one thing that stuck to my mind over a year after having reread the story. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love these stories, length and all, but if the first story had one big weakness, I'd say that was it. I think the bad thing isn't the length itself but that those segments made the reader feel the length in a bad way.
     
  3. LogicalPremise

    LogicalPremise First Year DLP Supporter

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    To be fair, most of my dialogue was modeled on people I based Shepard on, who would get into exactly those kinds of repetitive, woe is me talks that I could never seem to break them out of.

    At the time of writing, I was experimenting and... not thinking about readability so much as what was in my head. I think these sections need to be reviewed, polished and cleaned up a lot for people to enjoy them.

    But one of my own pet peeves is people treating PTSD, survivor sydromes and other issues as something you just 'get over'. As I've alluded to elsewhere, you don't get over it. Especially if you're an introverted emotional cripple.

    I would appreciate the better methods of getting that across without making it sound like some slightly better spelled version of My Immortal, as the criticism is certainly valid.
     
  4. MonkeyEpoxy

    MonkeyEpoxy Alchemist

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    So, part 2 of the angstrofuck is out, and holy god it really is a desperate terrible plan. Hopefully the wait for the climax isn't as long :)

    Tazzik vs the Shieldbreaker was the best part of this bad boy
     
  5. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Order Member

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    Mostly I'm just surprised that LP managed to make the hilariously evil clanless CEOs vaguely sympathetic.


    Then again the other side is justicars who are a bunch of hilariously asinine... assholes. so fuck 'em.

    Goddamn am I ever looking forwards to the reveal of the Sisters/Butcher though, especially what with Garrus' side piece.
     
  6. LogicalPremise

    LogicalPremise First Year DLP Supporter

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    The third part -- with the fighting -- comes out tonight. I've tried to do justice to the amount of build up I've had to this point. :)

    ---------- Post automerged at 03:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:00 AM ----------

    It's almost here!
     
  7. Himuradono

    Himuradono Professor

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    Same here, I think it came out just right, especially when we take into account that they are still scheming how to save their asses while sacrificing the fodder.
    MonkeyEpoxy, you really nailed it with that title you came up so long ago.
     
  8. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Order Member

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    That was very satisfying to read.

    My only (minor!) complaint was that it was a bit tricky to keep track of all the various combatants. For instance, when Telyana was crouching over Morinth's body, I couldn't actually tell what happened to her, since it wasn't entirely clear whether she was alive or dead or what.

    Shame about Dunn, too.
     
  9. MonkeyEpoxy

    MonkeyEpoxy Alchemist

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    I can't wait to see/read about Tetrimus's face when Shepard lands on him after this

    I forget, is it known amongst the Brokers' troops that Shepard is almost there?

    I'm going to echo the comments above... this was incredibly cathartic and we're not even done yet. Also, this won't exactly be Tazzik vs Richard Williams but I'm just as excited.
     
  10. Abhorsen

    Abhorsen Squib

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    I just reread the STG file on Shepard, and it gives a slight spoiler for the fight coming up, so that was annoying. But on that note, I should probably leave a review.

    I really like a lot of this work. Unfortunately the overload of angst is real. One minor thing that I have issue with is how the description states that it's more grimdark than 40k, which I disagree with. The darkest part of 40k is that all of the heroics and brightspots ultimately do not matter, because humanity WILL eventually lose. On the other hand, what Shepard does clearly does matter, and she does make a difference, and even at her last message, there is a thread of hope in it. I've always felt that OSABC was happier because of that.