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WIP Parachutes - Paper Birds by cancelled for a - T - Dresden Files/Harry Potter

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by cancelled for a, Mar 27, 2015.

  1. cancelled for a

    cancelled for a Second Year

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2015
    Messages:
    54
    Title: Parachutes - Paper Birds (Dresden Files/Harry Potter)
    Author: Cancelled for a
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/General
    DLP-Category:
    Chapters: 6
    Words: 30,000
    Summary:
    Harry Dresden inherits a castle, and all that it entails. The world as he knew is forever changed. Harry Dresden finds himself in the middle of a world that defies expectations, and the consequences that comes with his new responsibilities.

    On the bright side, free rent.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  2. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    992
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Some serious tense issues.

    Blue = past, red = present.

    This is just from the first 12 paragraphs. The whole thing is like this. This kind of consistent, basic technical error really caps the fic at 3/5 for me, regardless of any other content.

    As for that other content, I'm not sure if I have the patience right now to work my way through the bad writing to discover it. I may try at a later date, at which point I will rate the fic, but for now I'll abstain from giving a final score.

    Edit:

    Thoughts at the end of chapter one:

    - Tense issues continued through the chapter.
    - I liked the feel of Hogwarts. It actually strongly reminded me of Belle's first entry to the castle in Beauty and the Beast, which is a good thing.
    - However, the geography of the thing doesn't make much sense. How did Dresden run into Fluffy on the staircase of the Entrance Hall? Why wasn't anyone in Hogsmeade? It all seems rather contrived.
    - I'm not sure that there's going to be any explanation that can overcome my disbelief at any character inheriting Hogwarts, never mind Dresden. If Dresden has inherited Hogwarts, that implies someone else owned it before him, but we've never had any indication of Hogwarts being owned by a private individual.

    Oh, also, wands are common in the Dresden universe. Molly uses them, for example. So Harry shouldn't really be so amazed to see one.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2015
  3. cancelled for a

    cancelled for a Second Year

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2015
    Messages:
    54
    Thanks for the input. I'm not good with technical writing, so I'm constantly editing and improving, and paying a lot more attention the more I write. I'd rather not spoil anything, so I'm not going to say anything about the state of Hogwarts, and I'd rather not just dump all the answers in one chapter but spread them out with clues for writers to recognize throughout the entirety of the story.

    And I was hoping for the Hogwarts' beautiful setting for the readers to recognize, so I'm glad I conveyed that.

    EDIT:

    The first two paragraphs you quoted, the red part, might can also be used for past and future tense, no?

    EDIT:

    btw, about the wand issue; yes, I realize that. However, anyone would have the same reaction if you find a magical instrument sitting atop your fireplace mantle or kitchen table you never once owned. Whether it's a staff or a blasting rod.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2015
  4. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Location:
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    If it's past it's "might have".

    She might go to the party tonight.

    She might have gone to the party last week, but I didn't see her.
     
  5. bleo

    bleo Muggle

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2011
    Messages:
    1
    There are quite a few grammar issues throughout that pulled me out of the flow of the story. That aside, the introduction of Hogwarts was done well and so was the effect it had on Dresden personally. However, it looks like this is turning into a rehash of the Dresden books with HP magic added. It seems too early to rate this for me given the scope of the story, but its about a 3/5 so far.