Abandoned Persistence: Book One of the Replay Trilogy by deepthoughtz - M - WIP

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Mors, May 16, 2008.

  1. Mors

    Mors Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2006
    Messages:
    814
    Location:
    Somewhere they dont haet teh leet.
    Title: Persistence
    Author: deepthoughtz (me)
    Genre: Angst/Horror
    DLP Category: Time Travel <SECONDARY universe="" alternate="" category:="">
    Ships: None
    Rating: M
    Chapters: 9
    Words: 29,375
    Updated: July 15, 2008
    Published: October 27, 2007
    Status: Abandoned

    Summary (FFN) : Time and space do matter in magic. But sometimes they matter less than they should... Cursed by the oldest power in the universe, a madman wakes up in the past, when all those he watched die are alive. None had ever escaped Chronos... but Harry must try.

    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3859088/1/Persistence

    I'd thought of posting it here after it crossed the 30K mark, but as luck would have it, my beta is busy and she can't deliver the next chapter for some considerable time. Also I suppose this way we won't be cluttering the WbA thread any further, or so says Vash.

    The story is, it's universally agreed, somewhat confusing at the start... the initial chapters 1-3 are short, if only because that seemed the best way to write it. Most of the confusion seems to come from the interchanging POVs,.

    Just to give you a feeling of it, the story starts at the fifth year at Hogwarts. Waking up at the Hospital Wing, Harry finds out that he doesn't remember anything of the last month- but the chief problem is that he remembers what happens thirty years into the future... a future where he had been one of the most feared wizards in a near-Fascist Britain.

    Yeah, that's right - my past/future timeline doesn't follow JKR.


    The first book is around one-third done, and two more plotted summat.


    Checked by Minion, January 1, 2013
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2013
  2. Banner

    Banner Dark Lady

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2006
    Messages:
    1,668
    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    I love Time-travel AU's, esp. "fix-it's." I'll take a look at this.

    No pairing? Thank you!
     
  3. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,006
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    I'll take a look and edit later, but at the moment, this:

    And this:

    And this:

    Are instant turn-offs.
     
  4. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2008
    Messages:
    1,163
    Location:
    At your mothers house
    It's actually decent. I finished the first chapter and am actually entertained.
     
  5. Cxjenious

    Cxjenious Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2005
    Messages:
    1,745
    Location:
    TN
    4.5/5. Very good, but only seven chapters so far... I want twenty.
     
  6. ParseltonguePhoenix

    ParseltonguePhoenix Unspeakable

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2007
    Messages:
    785
    Location:
    Alabama
    I'm surprised at how much I like this, so far. Generally, I don't get into the time-travel genre, Joe's Wastelands of Time having been the sole exception to this point. But the way the characters are written in this story make that a moot point. Especially this Voldemort. He's written (briefly, I admit) the way I'd imagine a true Dark Lord. Powerful, a bit mad, unforgiving of failure...but charismatic.

    4/5 With hopes that the quality continues.
     
  7. Imperator Pesmerga

    Imperator Pesmerga Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2007
    Messages:
    272
    Location:
    I can see you touching yourself
    Really good story. It's original with Harry's past/future slowly being revealed as the story unfolds.

    The story is quite detailed and has tidbits of info about history, spells, creatures, legends etc that help reveal a bit more about the world.

    The writing is excellent, the action scenes easy to visualize.

    Characterization is good, managing to keep everybody in character, including Ron and Hermione, without the bashing.
    5/5

    Now all he has to do is post a new chapter. Write faster fucker. >_>
     
  8. Blazing Chime

    Blazing Chime Second Year

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2007
    Messages:
    75
    Location:
    Xiah Junsu Village (Cambodia)
    It's been like a month since I read this story but I recall that I really liked it. 5/5 from me.
     
  9. Krogan

    Krogan Alien in a Hat Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2007
    Messages:
    151
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    High Score:
    2,719
    I just finished reading what you've got and I have to say this is one of the best time travel fics I've ever read. 5/5 for me and I hope to see more
     
  10. Tehan

    Tehan Avatar of Khorne DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 22, 2007
    Messages:
    3,743
    Typically Mors: a tad hard to follow, but otherwise damn good. Full marks.
     
  11. Mors

    Mors Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2006
    Messages:
    814
    Location:
    Somewhere they dont haet teh leet.
    The story is also at PC, for the initiated.

    PC linkage: http://patronuscharm.net/s/73/1/

    Also there is a (very) short prequel, possibly ~10-12k, in the works, a project I undertook when it became clear I'd never be able to fully clear up all the muddled backstory otherwise (though reading "Persistence" alone is okay too). The prequel elucidates on the points where my past/future timeline started to stray from JKR's, and since it's post-DH, it has H/G in the background. Warned.

    Some of the prequel is posted here (though I'm still polishing it):

    http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=9217

    I'd edit the post itself but FF is fucking my shit up... text is becoming quite illegible at times.
     
  12. Demons In The Night

    Demons In The Night Chief Warlock

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2008
    Messages:
    1,438
    Location:
    Florida
    I eagerly await for the next update.

    5/5
     
  13. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2005
    Messages:
    2,921
    This wasn't bad at all. Some very interesting plot threads and nice darkish atmosphere.

    This isn't the style of prose I normally enjoy, but you had added just enough action and dialogues to hold my interest through the funky introspective parts.

    What did bother me, though, is that you kept 1st person perspective through POV changes, which was a bit confusing at times. IMO you should have switched to 3rd person while following thoughts of people other than Harry. Or wrote everything in 3rd face, as is usual with stories that follow multiple characters.

    Also, the appearance of that alien/god/whatever-it-was in Harry's dream was a bit confusing, mostly because it was lacking any sort of followup. After that bombshell he dropped, we needed to see at least SOME reaction from Harry.

    Your Voldemort in the last chapter was VERY good. Exactly the way I imagine him. If only he wasn't repeating everything he said over and over again...

    Anyway, pretty nice story so far, even if a bit confusing at times. Keep it up.
     
  14. Mors

    Mors Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2006
    Messages:
    814
    Location:
    Somewhere they dont haet teh leet.
    ip82:

    1. Yes, I know the 1st person views are confusing, and it's standard for most stories with one main first-person POV to incorporate other 3rd person viewpoints. However there usually the other characters are (usually one or two only) far less important than in my case, and frankly I had just read a book that juggled two first-persons unbelievably well and wanted to be cool, too.

    Hell, this was my first fic. I didn't know any better. But I think I'm getting better with the juggling POVs, somewhat.

    2. The alien/God/whatever dream sequence cannot have any follow-up right now. I would have included any follow-up reaction of Harry's if there was one, believe me... </secretive bastard> :p

    3. Yeah, I know. The only thing that bugged me about Voldemort's speech was that, too. But frankly I never thought of Voldemort as an awesome orator, he's more of a doer in my mind. So I let it slide.
     
  15. shadownin

    shadownin Fourth Year

    Joined:
    May 17, 2008
    Messages:
    114
    Location:
    Durban, South Africa
    I've only read the first chapter but it's looking good so far. Solid writing style, no glaring grammar errors and overall quite polished. You introduced the Death Gate well, you provided enough info to keep me interested yet didn't overdo it with facts. I also loved the dark atmosphere. All in all, keep up the good work.

    4/5
     
  16. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2006
    Messages:
    1,166
    Excellent read through. the plot is Intricate without being overwhelming, the POV shifts while initially confusing gave enough clues to allow you to guess who's mind you were following. All in all an outstanding start.

    That's the problem. It's only the start. Seven chapters of solid writing, I don't deny that this is compelling evidence that this story is likely to be epic. Assuming two things...

    1) You manage to maintain the delicate balance you're writing. The balance between foreknowledge and SUPER!Harry. It's a fine line, and I'm sorry, But the plot hasn't progressed enough to know if you can maintain it.

    2) You don't lose focus. The best stories are mentally taxing to their writers, and all to many people find that they can't keep up the quality and inspiration necessary to complete a story in the manner they started it. I hope you are one of the few, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

    I withhold judgement for now. (But a 4.7/5 if I were to rate it.)
     
  17. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,006
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Finally got round to reading this. Beautiful writing, very...haunting, I think, would be the best word for it. Nice atmosphere too.

    Interesting plot, not your usual cliche time travel. Good characterisation, especially of the supporting cast. Most authors have a tendency to do a few characters well, and then mess up the more complex ones like Dumbledore and Voldemort. You managed to do both well.

    Interesting additions to the HP universe, hinting at much more to magic than we have seen from the books. Usually higher powers or whatever put me off a story, but you've done them well so far too.

    As Ip82 said, the multiple first person points of view are odd - not so much because they're first person, but because you keep switching and it takes a while to figure out who the narrator is each time.

    Why Harry knows he has lost a month of memories is a mystery - if they were truly lost, then he would have no knowledge of that month ever occurring, and so everything should seem normal to him.

    Harry's "madness" isn't really madness at all, thankfully. He's just a bit psycho. Madness is characters going around giggling at imaginary people etc.

    The fic still feels a bit...vague. The way you narrate is crafted well, but could be a bit more...practical. I still don't feel like I have a feel for what Harry's thoughts and plans are.

    I was a bit annoyed at all the verbalisation of spells, but then the next chapter they were non-verbal, so yay for that.

    I liked the idea of the Gathering. Didn't like the idea of wizard magic/spells being trapped Spirits of Magic, unless they're metaphorical.

    Umbridge scene was good.

    All in all, a very enjoyable read. 5/5.
     
  18. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2008
    Messages:
    1,163
    Location:
    At your mothers house
    4/5 from me.
     
  19. Ikaros Mephisto

    Ikaros Mephisto First Year

    Joined:
    May 23, 2008
    Messages:
    23
    Location:
    Sweden
    I don’t usually read first person writing, I tend to run the other way, in fact. It is hardly ever done well and I tend to find it has no real purpose. What can’t be said in third person that you can say in first? Very little, but I understand the choice. There is a certain aura to the writing that’s different in first person. Mystery and Horror tend to be better suited to it.

    The first chapter pulled me in and I have no real complaint about it except a smallish advice to look at the exposition when Madam Pomfrey appears. By that time the reader has already figured out who is telling the story. The references to Harry’s previous accidents and the matrons assistance at those times, is rather irrelevant and make the text stutter slightly. It’s not completely jarring, but not necessary either.

    It’s a nitpick thing and I only mention it because I would want others to do the same for me.​

    The flow of the text otherwise is superb, a little jarring to jump between points of view, especially as the reader hits the ground a little and slowes up in order to figure out who’s telling the story. But then, you appear aware of it.​

    I rather like seeing how the main character thinks, and his introspection. It was the reason I kept reading. I urge you not to lighten that too much. Personally, I thought the second chapter was by far your best, style wise, followed closely by the first. ​

    The situation with Christopher, I thought was particularly well done as far as characterization goes and while Harry’s hostility is somewhat expected, it is also somewhat of a cliché. It would be nice to see a more accepting intelligent rebuttal rather than the quick to anger routine, though I obviously can’t know if that would create holes in plot twists later. ​

    Sadly, I can’t give this more than a 3.7. The shifting first person view is just too jarring the further the story continues. It’s very well written, but the jarring shifts push me away from it. I would recommend it though, it has superb style.

     
  20. Lawyer in Exile

    Lawyer in Exile Second Year

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2008
    Messages:
    53
    Location:
    Budapest, Hungary
    I enjoyed reading it very much, mainly because of the great characterizations and the ever changing 1st person POVs.
    A great start for a great story, and this is where my problem lies: 7 chapters, over 20k words and the story is still in an introductory phase, the main tones put on, but no sign of any plot so far. At this pace, the author has to write up at least 300k words to make this story what it has the potential to be, which means 50:50 chance of being a real epic or going abandoned after a few more chapters.
    4/5.