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WIP Promises of a Wandering Hero by Neoalfa - M - Fate/Stay Night x Love Hina

Discussion in 'Fate/Stay Night' started by Jarik, Jun 21, 2013.

  1. Jarik

    Jarik Chief Warlock

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    Title: Promises of a Wandering Hero
    Author: Neoalfa
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure/Romance
    Fandom: Fate/stay Night x Love Hina
    Pairings: Shirou/Multi
    Chapters: 14
    Words: 104,176
    Date Published: 02-02-12
    Date Updated: 06-20-13
    Status: Work In Progress
    Summary: He promised to be a Hero capable of saving everyone. But before that he made other promises he can't remember under a different name. How will Shirou react when he finds his lost past? - Shirou/Multi Mature Contents.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7798790/1/Promises-of-a-Wandering-Hero


    So I originally recommended this in the Other Fandoms Almost Recommendable and it was pretty well received. I wanted to wait to see how the Rusty Heart arc concluded before I recommended it as Library material, and it has ended in a way that sets itself up well for the future.

    This is a Love Hina crossover written by Neoalfa (author of Path of the King) though you can probably get away without any knowledge of Love Hina.

    Like most Fate Stay Night crossovers, the basic concept is to take a ridiculously badass Shirou and throw him into another story, taking the role of the (usually weak) main character. But unlike a certain Sekirei/FSN crossover, what makes this fic really stand out is strong characters, interactions and character development. That's not to say the action-aspect is dull. Not at all. The fight scenes are really well written (even though there's really only been two major ones so far) and I've found myself rereading the first one quite a few times. It also looks like the plot will continue down a road that will see many more battles.

    Part of the reason I wanted to wait until the end of the Rusty Heart arc was I was worried Shirou would go in, beat some old men, save Motoko and he'd move onto the next character in the Love Hina harem.

    But not only did the last chapter show that Motoko will remain the focus, it has introduced many more exciting plot aspects - such as the Aoyama's being somewhat a part of his world (which I was hoping for), now we have the typical monster waking up in its lair and of course, Shirou taking over Motoko's training for 3 years.

    My only real disappointment with the way this has gone is that if the Aoyama Clan were going to be demon-human hybrids, they should have been challenging enough that Shirou wouldn't have been able to get by without revealing his magecraft. Then again, I guess Hisashi or one of the elders may still be a level above Tsuruko.

    Anyway, this is my favorite currently updating fic.

    Edit: Might rerate this to 4/5. It's still my favorite, but yesterday I think I was a bit emotionally driven by how much I loved the latest chapter. In terms of entertainment it's still top notch, but while it does really well in achieving what it set out to do, its concept is pretty simple and does prevent it from being rated higher.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2013
  2. Mutton

    Mutton Unspeakable

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    Ugh, I felt this was a terrible premise and only went downhill from there. Maybe if you're really into generic harem stories and want a standard "X comes in and fixes everything!" tale?

    2/5
     
  3. NuitTombee

    NuitTombee Dark Lord

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    This is a YMMV fic by all accounts. I like it but I've seen other who very much dislike it. Neo has said that this is just experimental writing, so try not to take it too seriously. That said I don't really believe it's Library worthy, according to DLP standards.

    I'd Give it a 3.5/5.
     
  4. DrSarcasm

    DrSarcasm Unspeakable

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    I've been reading this too. The majority of this story is...uninspired and just a guilty pleasure fic. Since he stays true to the characters, this means that we have to watch Shirou deal with all that obnoxious Love Hina crap with the self-entitled girls who think they can do anything and get away with it, butt into other people's business, or hit someone without cause. Granted he deals with it well and as befitting an actual normally developed human being and it isn't out-of-character for either him nor the girls for this to happen, but it can still be grating.

    That being said, overall this story manages to be mildly enjoyable even if there seems to be no real driving plotline. Granted there seems to be some actual tie-ins here and there to an overall plot, and the end of Rusty Heart points to a deeper connection between the two universes, but for the most part it seems to be somewhat rambling.

    Like I said, guilty pleasure fic. 3.5/5
     
  5. Tasoli

    Tasoli Headmaster

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    I like it. It is an experiment of the author yes but I simply ignore some parts so overall it is enjoable read for me. 4/5.
     
  6. Chime

    Chime Dark Lord

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    3.5/5

    Quite simply, some parts are cringe-worthy. I think he plays Shirou a bit too straight at times (like the latest chapter), so the entire thing comes off as campy/too dramatic. I also find the situation a little unbelievable - but that's mostly because Love Hina is a prototypical harem setting. It's fun to read, but I wouldn't put it in the same vein as other FSN stories, it's definitely some kind of guilty pleasure. I mean, Shirou's skills are tested by heroic spirits - how can there be much of any conflict if he'll just be meddling in human affairs (let alone the affairs of relatively mundane women)? Non-physical conflicts don't seem to be a big deal either, because all of the girls are less mature than Shirou, with relatively simple problems to 'fix'.

    Shirou comes across as all-knowing and all-powerful. Sure, he has his flaws, so he's at least a few steps away from being a MartyStu, but someone who has little at stake isn't all that compelling.

    The story is probably going to have an arc for each girl in the estate. I don't expect an overarching plot of any merit, as a result.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2013
  7. Poytin

    Poytin The Arby's Hipster DLP Supporter

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    As the local Love Hina fanfiction reader I love this fic for it's quality because almost all of the fanfiction is shit. However I recognize the flaws in this fic. It does fall under what is a common trope of this fandom. Overpower the main character and have him fix everything. Just in this case they changed Keitaro into Shirou. Make no mistake though... this one is doing it well and not everything is fixed automatically. Overall it seems like a subpar F/SN fic and a great Love Hina fic.

    4/5
     
  8. Probellum

    Probellum Death Eater

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    Neoalfa is probably one of my favorite authors, of late, so I may be a bit biased. That said, I have to agree with the some of the flaws.

    Really, I would've waited a bit into the next arc to put it up for review. This Arc was nice, and if it keep up, it's definitely library worthy as long as the conflicts are suitably believable. For now, though, I'll go with a rounded up 3.5, making it a 4/5.
     
  9. thejabber27

    thejabber27 DA Member

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    It's a decent story, what keeps me back though is the minor spelling and grammar issues that seem to pop up every chapter. 3/5
     
  10. Probellum

    Probellum Death Eater

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    Tbf, Neoalfa's primary language isn't english, so imo, there' a bit of leeway to be had there.
     
  11. yak

    yak Moderator Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Yes and no. It lets us understand why Neoalfa's grammar is poor, but that doesn't mean we should be rating the story any higher than if he was a poorly educated American. We don't typically grant pity points to stories. Flaws are flaws.
     
  12. oakes

    oakes Auror DLP Supporter

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    Don't understand how he hasn't found a beta yet. I check the forum for his stories from time to time and amount of zeal people have for his stories are only outmatched by In Flight's.

    On to the story, i prefer Path of the King to this one, maybe it has something to do with how i don't really care about harem stories, or maybe to the fact that almost all of the girls are somewhat bitchy to the point of annoying.(Didn't watched love hina; so i have no idea if they had reasons for why they act the way they do)

    But still it's a good story as far as guilty pleasures go. 3.5/5
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2013
  13. NuitTombee

    NuitTombee Dark Lord

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    He has a beta, just probably needs another one to help or get a better one.
     
  14. Probellum

    Probellum Death Eater

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    Part 1 of a new chapter is up on his blog.
     
  15. yak

    yak Moderator Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Calling it "part 1" is a bit of an overstatement. It's a snippet. A sneak peek. A teaser.

    It wasn't terrible, but I wouldn't call it good.

    I'm not sure why I'm still reading Wandering Hero. I lost all enjoyment from it long ago. I've sucked all of the sustenance from its now dry, withered teat of literary entertainment. There is nothing left here to nourish me.
     
  16. Karnath

    Karnath First Year

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    This updated on ff.net
     
  17. neoalfa

    neoalfa Squib

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    I'm not sure whether it's creepy or not for me to be here reading what people write about my fic(s) out of those sites where I post them (sort of eavesdropping on people talking behind your back), but I find few people willing to offer critics in the comments on FF.net or the forums I set up to discuss the story.

    Would anyone be willing to give suggestions both on the plot and the overall writings? I'm being totally unironic here.

    Thanks.
     
  18. tragicmat1

    tragicmat1 Death Eater

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    The biggest problem with this fic, in my opinion, is that it lacks a plot. I'm not saying that nothing happens (cause they do, and the events are written well and are great), nor am I saying that there's no character development, etc.

    The problem lies in the question "What does Shirou want to do?" We see the motivations of people around him, but it's hard to sympathize with a main character that doesn't have a specific goal. Sure, he wants to "help others," but if that is the only thing, especially in a slow pace setting such as Love Hina, the story simply drags. (E.G, whereas there's not too much problem with not knowing the MC's main goal in the beginning of the story, normally by 120k+ words it should be a little bit more clear).

    The writing, whether it be grammar or sentence flow is in general fine and doesn't suffer from any large problems.
     
  19. neoalfa

    neoalfa Squib

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    Considering that when I first started this story I was only planning to see how well I could bring the two worlds together that is to be expected, however I admit that I failed to see and adress this issue proprerly. I'll try to rectify that. Thanks.
     
  20. SmileOfTheKill

    SmileOfTheKill Magical Amber

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    My issue with this story is that is a harem fic, and with it being a harem fic, it fails to have a story. Shirou is deeeeeeeeep character that is worthy of everyone under the sun loving him. He is a hero and stuff happens and then he saves the day. Having all of these characters want to fuck him, it feels cheap. As tragicmat says, it is this. A character is having an issue. Shirou is a hero and then he gets new girl to harem. Rinse repeat.

    It should be noted that the route that I think is the best of FS/N is Heavens Feel. It is a massive screw you to a lot of the heroic subplots Shroiu seems to be involved in with this story. Then you have Rider come in and talk about how Sakura's relationship is due to convenience does not sit well with me. It cheapens the characters, and it cheapens the things FS/N dealt with. Sakura is just another girl to have in the harem.