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WIP Road to Heaven by Crimson Sun06 - T - Naruto

Discussion in 'Naruto' started by crimson sun06, Mar 14, 2016.

  1. crimson sun06

    crimson sun06 Unspeakable

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Title: Road to Heaven
    Author: Crimson sun06
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure/Mystery
    Status:WIP
    Fandom:Naruto
    Words: 87,127
    Pairings: none

    Summary: For generations Team 7 has produced some of the greatest shinobis of their age. Their feats of legend while earning them the love and admiration of their peers also brought with it the hatred of their enemies. It has been said after all, that the curses of the fallen can bring the very angels crashing to the earth. Is that the fate that awaits them? Or can they pave a better road?

    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10833833/1/Road-to-Heaven-formerly-Fallen-Angels

    When I started this story it was to explore what would happen if Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura were sorted into different teams after their graduation and how it would affect their growth as shinobi?

    And this was the end result.

    An AU fic where Team 7 is formed not after graduation but during the Shippudden. Though the differences are more than skin-deep. These are the same characters(for the most part) who have made different choices and undergone different experiences than they did in canon.

    So in place of 12 year old rookies you have a team of fairly experienced and competent shinobi who have a more or less developed skill-set and have undergone some major character development before the start of the story. There are a few OCs running around whose presence will make sense eventually.

    I've tried to give special emphasis on the character development in the story which means that there are no insta-friendship and bonds of brotherhood between the members... yet, and my plans involve them undergoing a lot of changes both in the way they view the world and how they view each other.

    Just finished writing the first mission and thought now was a good time to take a shot at the library.

    PS
    I have put this on wba and the link is my sig, even though I have changed the title. The ff.net version is the edited version... for the most part anyway.
     
  2. Lacoon

    Lacoon First Year

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    I really like that you started your story way after the point of divergence from canon.
    Although I don't yet know a whole lot about your cast of characters they still feel fleshed out and not at all two dimensional and the way you introduced Team 7 makes me curious about how they got to where they are now.
    What I can't really understand is how Naruto promised Sakura to tell her why he is as strong as he is, after having known her for only a few weeks at most.
    The writing seems solid. I didn't find any major errors.

    In my eyes a solid 4/5
     
  3. crimson sun06

    crimson sun06 Unspeakable

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    Yeah about that,

    He really didn't promise to tell her how he is as strong as he is. She asked him how a 'genin' knew what to do to avoid detection when infiltrating another country. Which in a way is worse. You might have noticed though that he didn't actually give her the answer. He just did what he had to do to delay the confrontation.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  4. masterwill22

    masterwill22 Squib

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
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    I like the dynamic of the new Team 7 a lot. Everyone has an interesting background and the author does a great job in exploring how canon events (such as the Oto invasion) would have shaped differently without Team 7. The story is well paced with many original elements and plot arcs that makes this very enjoyable to read. The scenes are tight and occasionally humorous, and the first chapter does a great job in hooking the readers in.

    One of the few criticisms I have about this story is that the dialogue can get awkward to read. The author tells, not shows, the character’s emotions in the conversation. This would usually not be a problem, but this happens very frequently and interrupts the flow and immersion for the reader. Also, several dialogue tags don’t really add anything to the plot or conversation in which I will explain in the spoilers tag.

    Overall, the story is a great addition to the Naruto fandom and it’s definitely worth a read.

    4/5.

    One of the most obvious places where the author explains in excessive details is the dialogue. You’ll note that the author explains the emotion and tone of the speaker in a lot of the conversations. This isn't a problem when this happens infrequently (it can sometimes enhance the story), but this happens way too often. The first chapter wasn’t too bad, but this becomes more severe in subsequent chapters. I wish I could add more, but fanfiction.net doesn’t seem to allow copy and paste so I had to retype these lines.

    Mentioning that the conversation was lop-sided doesn’t seem very necessary. The readers can infer this when Sakura hasn’t replied to this woman.

    It is obvious to the reader that Iruka replied to Naruto and it would be better to get rid of “Came the reply” since it doesn’t add anything to the story or dialogue.

    Similar to the previous example.

    This sort of dialogue happens a lot. Instead of telling the readers that he was projecting his annoyance, show that he is. Make him narrow his eyes or make his dialogue show annoyance. You can even use clichés to tell annoyance since it’s better than simply telling the reader about the character’s affect.

    The reader should be able to infer that Sasuke is impatient after saying we’re wasting time here. Some things are redundant.
    These are some of the examples that happen way too frequently in all the dialogue. It’s fine in small amounts, but when the majority of the dialogue is like this, it can break the immersion and the flow of the conversation.
    In a similar note, some scenes with intrigue and politics would be better if less was explained to the readers.

    I ended up ignoring several of these dialogue tags and the conversation flowed a lot better. I definitely think this story deserves to be part of the library despite these problems as the plot, humor, and action really makes this fiction a worthwhile read. The original concepts in the story are great and it does well to distinguish itself from other stories.
     
  5. TheStarTiger

    TheStarTiger Squib

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    This is a snazzy addition to aa fandom that all too often repeats itself. I love the budding connections between Team 7, and I love it even more that the author doesn't show their hand immediately. There's a lot to explore with these characters, and the story's plot, mixed with a side of some pretty good humor, makes me want to see more. It also helps that the first arc is complete, and pretty well done to boot.

    Again, the dialogue does have its weaknesses in regards to show don't tell, but it's certainly surpassed by the rest of the story.

    3.5/5, rounded up to a 4/5. I'm looking forward to what else this has to offer.
     
  6. Mydia

    Mydia Squib

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    It's refreshing that the story starts during shippudden, it makes it interesting to look at canon events from a different perspective. The story seems to be well written and not too fast paced. The thing I like most is that the characters are familiar but new at the same time.

    I do have to agree with the previous posts on dialogue not being your strongest asset.

    I'd give it a 4/5.
     
  7. sonny_yalin

    sonny_yalin Third Year

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    I like this as well. The dialogue, like others have said, is a bit stilted and unnatural, but overall the piece is pretty good. 3-3.5/5
     
  8. Anthares

    Anthares Squib

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    I like the idea however after reading the entire fic in one sitting I'm not actually inclined to follow it.
    What bothers me is that rather than moving forward, the focus is on discovering what happened in the past... At least that was where the majority of my focus went.

    Additionally, I found that it wasn't just the dialogue that felt off but the writing too. There were mistakes that distracted me while I read.
    I'll give you one example, start of chapter 11 :
    "The boy sat in the chamber assigned to him as he awaited his room was barely large enough for one person"

    This isn't the first mistake I spotted but I also notice they're not systematic so it really seems to be just due to a lack of beta reading.
     
  9. crimson sun06

    crimson sun06 Unspeakable

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    The past is an important part of the puzzle. Everything that's happening is a direct consequence of the events of the past. It might not seem so at the moment because of the episodic nature of the events but they're all a part of the greater whole. The story will come together and everything will make sense.

    Technically the story has some problems I'll admit. I post on the wba for help with them. Feel free to point out any mistakes you come across if you feel inclined to do so. The link is my sig.
     
  10. Anthares

    Anthares Squib

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    On the contrary, it's obvious that it is. What I'm trying to say is that it's too... Can't find the word I'm looking for. It's like, you know someone has a secret, you know you can't ask directly so you wait for them to tell you, but they just keep teasing/reminding you that they won't tell you and they drop incredibly vague hints...
    Okay maybe I'm just impatient. I'll read it again some time and try to make a note of the mistakes I spot, and give the story a second shot while I'm at it. Can't say when that will be possible though, sorry :/
     
  11. Ussoppspell

    Ussoppspell Muggle

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    I like this fic. It has a few writing errors I have spotted, but nothing major. I would like to see this fic focousing more on Team-seven coming together than just working on each individual character. I don't mind Shikimaru , but you focus more on his past(I think) than the present.

    4/5
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2016
  12. Suty

    Suty First Year

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    I've read up to chapter 8 so I feel like I can leave a review.

    For the most part, the characters sound like their manga-counterparts except a bit older. And that's both good and bad. On the one hand, you've captured their original essences. On the other hand, Sasuke is still emo and Naruto is still obnoxious. I found Sakura to be the most interesting due to her struggle with internal demons (and also because she doesn't seem to have unlikable qualities like her teammates).

    Sasuke and Naruto weren't very interesting to read about. Sasuke can't back up his attitude and messes up a lot despite being an assassin ANBU w/ fully evolved Sharingan. Naruto was interesting during that short stint as a rental genin, but his Team 7 incarnation seems very patronizing. Always trying to solve everybody's problems and having the ability to solve everybody's problem isn't very interesting. In the interest of fairness, I have to say I dislike Naruto's character in the manga so I might be a bit biased.

    In terms of plot, the only thing I can say is that I felt the missing damsel investigation went on a chapter or so too long. It felt like I was reading Naruto CSI or something (and of course I just notice the Mystery genre tag. Oh well.). I don't like Mysteries so ignore this bit then.

    3.5/5
     
  13. crimson sun06

    crimson sun06 Unspeakable

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    I was trying to go for that actually. It wouldn't be a Naruto fanfic if Naruto didn't retain some of his obnoxiousness and if Sasuke completely lost his 'emo'(ness?). In canon Sakura always felt like she was out of her depth with the monsters that surrounded her... Both in her own team and those outside. She is the relatable one and I like the way she turned out. Out of her league but somehow managing to hang on.

    Sasuke maybe ANBU but he is used to working alone and the concept of working in a team evades him. I can't give away more as that would be spoiling but keep in mind he is also a teenager who is fucked up as hell and obsessed with revenge.

    I was trying to stay somewhat faithful to canon Naruto who always tries to fix things for others. But he is definitely not infallible. Just thought the first mission would be a little too early to have things blow up in his face. Though I will say that he is a lot different than his canon counterpart due to his own experiences and choices which weren't influenced by canon Team 7.
     
  14. crimson sun06

    crimson sun06 Unspeakable

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