Yeah, I noticed the OCC of Dung. I wasn't going to comment on it, but I saw that you already had mentioned, and wanted to put my two-bits in.
But other than that, really nice.

 

This is my favorite of your stories. I can appreciate Harry/fem!himself, but Temptations of a Dark Soul is more epic. Even though Harry entered another dimension in Equal and Opposite, he still only operated in Hogwarts, technically. In this story, there's cage matches, the underground...

Particularly in the battle at the Dursley's house, I felt it slighly unrealistic that Harry killed so many of the Death Eaters. Perhaps you could tone it done a little in the rewrite, make them incapitated for something? Otherwise, the fight scenes were very good.

 

Update!

This update got out of hand, and ballooned from 5k to 10k. It probably meanders a bit, and the fight scenes are less duels than all out brawls to the death.

Andro, your concerns are still being addressed.

Tell me what you think.

 

Will read when I get a moment. For the time being, awesome news.

 

I must say this is one of the most refreshing stories i have read, I have to hand it you for your imagination. Though sometimes your details during the fighting scenes seem a tad overdone, but that just might be due to the fact you're building up the scene for an explosive finish. However when you describe the scenery try to add a bit more detail so that the reader (especially for a non-english speaker like me) can visualize what you are trying to 'paint' if they don't understand what is going on. Other than that the story is wonderful and please feel free to update as much as you can.

 

YaY for the new chapter. I didn't like that freaky succubus lady or whatever she is. Suppose it's that 'all knowing' attitude she has; like not matter what Harry will come to her for some sucking. But seeing as she was with riprip-Jack her standards can't be very high. Harry should find out if she has some of of MTD; Magically Transmitted Diseases... the STD check should be a given.

Tonks managing to find him.... was she in the brothel?!

 

She was with him for his power, not his dashing good looks. And he wasn't in a brothel when Tonks found him, he'd just dueled death eaters outside, and was "fleeing" the scene. Truthfully, I skipped over that bit. I skip over most magical duels in fics.

 

I tried to make this one different than the duels are typically depicted.

I'm considering trashing most of the second and third chapter, bridging the first chapter to the fourth to make this story faster paced. It's terribly bloated with information the plot doesn't really need.

This would cut out the 'little girl' segments, the attack on Colin Creevey, and most of the angsty identity crisis Harry has. It would also cut out Peter's POV, which I consider useless.

I think the greatest impediment to this story is the meandering second and third chapters, which are long and boring. Most readers probably X out in these two chapters.

What do you think?

 

I liked all the chapters in this story. Good flow and plot, but the second and third chapter did seem a little like a too much filler.

Delete them, re-wright, it doesn't matter to me. This story still kicks ass.

 

This is where I needlessly glorify the fic even more.

Still, a definitely at least a 4.5/5.

However, my pet peeve: does HP have to get hurt so goddamn much? It's extremely realistic, but those injuries are accumulating a tad too much for my tastes. Gives HP a touch of vulnerability, which I don't appreciate that much.