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The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Humor Mill' started by Xiph0, Dec 10, 2008.

  1. DarthBill

    DarthBill Dark Lord

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Texas
    I am so ashamed that that made me smile.
     
  2. Zenzao

    Zenzao 500 Club King Prestige

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    ^ I know, isn't it great? :)

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    I asked someone in North Korea how their day was going.

    They replied, "Can't complain."

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    Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

    For Hispanic attacks.

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    My ex used to hit me with musical instruments.

    I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

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    What do you call an emo a capella group?

    Self Harmony.

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    My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

    Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

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    Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

    Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
     
  3. TheWiseTomato

    TheWiseTomato Tactical Tomato DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2009
    Messages:
    3,022
    Location:
    Australia.
    How do prisoners make phone calls? They use their cell phones.
    ---
    How do Kiwis find sheep in long grass? Delightful.
    ---
    What is neither fair nor right? A gin's left tit.
    ---
    Is it ok to dislike some races? I like the 5k more than the 10k. The 10k has too many whities in it.
    ---
    Roses are Red
    Violets are Glorious
    Don't sneak up on
    Oscar Pristorius
     
  4. CareOtters

    CareOtters Headmaster DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
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    1,100
    I used to think living with erectile dysfunction would be hard, but it's not.
     
  5. Azotez

    Azotez Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2010
    Messages:
    290
    Location:
    Denmark
    By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:
    "A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Levictus 20:13 esc]

    Step 1: Get stoned
    Step 2: Lay with man
     
  6. Zenzao

    Zenzao 500 Club King Prestige

    Joined:
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    Adrift on those Binary Seas.
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    Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

    Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

    And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...

    And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

    And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

    Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

    The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.

    The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.

    The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
     
  7. Zenzao

    Zenzao 500 Club King Prestige

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    I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated buttplug, unfortunately it looks like Apple beat me to it.

    Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes.

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    A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

    He had serious selfie steam issues.

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    Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

    She had a filthy habit.

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    How do you milk sheep?

    Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

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    To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

    On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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    Someone asked me how dark my humour is, I said, "Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back."
     
  8. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

    Joined:
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    r/askreddit thread about dumb jokes. It's fucking gold. Top comment:

    Ahhhh I'm fuckin dying