Traitors Within Discussion Thread - Old Story Thread

Discussion in 'FanFic Discussion' started by Midknight, May 4, 2005.

  1. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    This is the question Harry will ask himself. The answer.

    Screw them all. A good majority of the magical world has used him, lied, hurt, tried to kill, taken from, or demanded things from him.

    The muggle world.. well Dursleys mucked that up.

    Harry to me, will be for the magic. His loyalty is to his magic, and only to his magic. Light or dark, does not matter.

    For anyone who has everyread Dragonlance, or knows of Raistlin Majere.. that is who I picture my Harry most like.
     
  2. IndoGhost

    IndoGhost Dark Lord

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    i got to read those then
     
  3. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    ... never read dragonlance... but yeah.. id be depressed for a day or so then id get pissed... maybe flay the person who made the damnedable thing..
     
  4. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Good old Sybill... =)

    The Dragonlance reference with Raistlin for those who don't know. Raistlin was a sickly mage whose loyalty was only to his magic. He'd do anything, manipulate anyone, to be the best. He became so strong he planned to take on a god. And he would of won. They went back in time and showed him it was not worth it to win, b/c he'd destory the world.

    Pick up Dragonlance Chronicles, and Legends... must haves no matter what.
     
  5. nightangel960

    nightangel960 Fifth Year

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    hell if I was Harry I'd say screw them all as well. not like he really is happy there. they put their future in the hands of a child and lay back expecting him to kill Voldemort for him. why should he?
     
  6. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Ha .. great chapter... as always... just getting interesting i say.. or well... even more interesting i guess since its always be very interesting ^_^
     
  7. ulkser

    ulkser Groundskeeper

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    i do not read the story only for girls. you have to include some romance or ti will be boring. if i read just for girls then i should be reading the stories in adultfan.com

    by the way it is a good chapter.
     
  8. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Not bothering with romance period. There will be some sex later on, but I'm not one of the ppl who feel there needs (hell or ever should be) graphic sex in a world like this.

    Do feel free to read porn, or hentai, but there will never been red hawt secks in here. I just don't see it has a place for me, others may feel diff, but *shrug*

    As for boring, it will be impossible for anyone to ever say boring. Once Harry gets ahold of Bella, and he has this one attack happen, it stays a roller coaster ride.

    TYVM all for your reviews
     
  9. nightangel960

    nightangel960 Fifth Year

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    your very welcome and I agree too much porn is a bad thing
     
  10. IndoGhost

    IndoGhost Dark Lord

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    CH 15 was great i wonder if you are gonna let the headmaster in something?i wanna see another fight between them
     
  11. nightangel960

    nightangel960 Fifth Year

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    I know.. chances are it's gonna be a doozy.
     
  12. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Dumbles will have alot of speech later on in the story, right now, it's going to focus on setting everything up for the middle.

    I will tell you when the two of them do finally have the be all, end all fight towards the middle it'll make a few people happy.

    For awhile it's going to focus on setting up backstory. I'm prewriting the chapters now, and let me tell you it's absolute hell to keep track of the plot twists I've got planned, I have a dry erase board 3 feet from my keyboard, filled with post-it notes and what not.

    To be honest I don't like Dumbledore. People often get mad when authors portray him as manipulative.. but get real, he's a master at it. You look through the books at it, and you see very few times where he's ever acted directly, instead choosing to let Harry set things right b/c he is always "coicidentally" left out of the loop.

    I don't blame the "character" itself for that, its partially JKR never coming up with a valid reason Harry wouldn't report the fact that he's hearing voices of death, or seeing a dog stalk him, etc.
     
  13. BlackPhoenix

    BlackPhoenix Second Year

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    well I was a fan of Dumblely untill OoP but I still don't mind him myself.

    anyways little empty in chapter 15, the cycle talk was interesting but some of the interaction between Tonk, Kingsley and Harry was a bit... meh
     
  14. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    I'm rewriting the ending part and prolly reposting. I had a part I wanted to get out there, and it outweighed the semi roughness. I'm also not happy about the size of it, I got hit with writers block at the start of it, and roughed my way through enough of it to get out a point I wanted.

    Do remember up until that chapter, I'd written every chapter in about 10-15 minutes in this reply box, with no proofreading or beta reader for errors about timeline/story, So it's pretty incredible it's come out the way it has so far.

    I've come to the point where I think i'll be forced to prewrite the chapts, for the plot is going to be doing loop-d-loops with alot of deception and mind games going on.


    EDIT: The story is now up on FF.net with added conversations, a few reedited parts, and extended explanations for some parts. I've added about 20K more words to the story expanding on the chapters I already have.
     
  15. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    I locked the story post for now it'll be a week or two + before I add anymore new chapters, I'm stuggling to revise all my old ones and keeping continuity is frustrating the hell out of me.

    A bonus though, alot of the reviewers for my story have join up with the site =)
     
  16. Treck

    Treck First Year

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    I'd say if he cried over anything it would be being stuck at the Durzkaban prision again this summer. Sirius was a way out that he lost and not much more.
     
  17. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Yeah I really do despise JKR making such a potentially likeable character just to desposable. She made us all think Harry would be getting away from the Dursleys, and in a happy place, then she turns around and uses Sirius as an example that the story is firmly getting darker, and noone is safe. It just totally cheapened any of the small interaction they DID actually have together, while at the same time making any crying Harry does over the matter seem unreal.

    Hell she could of taken whiny ass Hermione or flipping I've-not-bothered-to-contact-you-in-13 years - Lupin. I personally do like Lupin, but I'd of rather seen him vanish then Sirius.

    Lupin will play a larger role in my story, Sirus ain't coming back, Hermione will "bite" it, and I will make Harry a force to be reckoned with, instead of this constant crybaby-unstable act we keep getting.

    And I love Durzkaban prison! never heard that term before, but it fits incredibly, I may have to beg you to use that in the Harry/Dumbly arguement coming up, lol
     
  18. Treck

    Treck First Year

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    I coined that phrase a long time ago while watching POA. Feel free to use it and the Hogwarts a History thumper. (Hermione who needs some quality time in St Mungos discussing books with Lockhart while wearing a strate jacket)
     
  19. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Reviewer Responses

    Ill add responses here to reviewers from FF.net, whose answers would take a extreme amount of space, lol


    Treck - Kinda hit a sore spot, either that of lack of sleep has made me bitchy, lol. Toms not OOC, he has a incident where he got a vision of him loosing. The Slytherin in him will do what he has to to save his own ass. Right now it's seducing Harry to the dark, by acting alot nicer then he really is.

    What hes doing to Harry right now is called spin Harry will find out later, when it's too late, that much of what Tom said was just to forge a fake trust. Tom's not turning into a wuss in the fic, if anything he'll get alot worse, but right now he's got to make sure Harry is at least not against him.


    Slow startish maybe, but I'm not going to be like all the other idiots that rush rush rush, and wind up having a god like Harry who still whines like a little girl about everything and doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.


    I wouldn't say "stuck" at the Dursleys really. Stuck at thier home implies I'm writing about him and his normal life there, but that's far from the turth.

    He got back, got punished, locked down. He had his ass whupped good by Vernon after Petunia died, so it's not like he could leave. Lupin comes, heals him, leaves for help when Voldie's there, then the rest of the stuff happens. You could maybe say stuck at the durselys for two chapters maybe, not 8, not in the normal way that phrase would be used.

    Is he still there? Yeah he's on the lawn having it out with Voldemort, who is dropping bombs on the boy like baghdad.

    Comparion of mine vrs a very popular story in a similar theme

    First 8 chapters of mine. 30K something words, alot of it dialogue which I'm not good at, and yet I've been praised for it in emails =P

    -We see who winds up on top after it all ends. Who? I dunno you'll have to wait and find out =) The rest of the story is a flashback type deal.

    -Introduction of Merlin character, and WHY he left the world, including a cool bit about the Black Death(which was magical plague in nature, a dark lord wanted to wipe out muggles and damned near did) I made Merlin a fleshed out character in the story, instead of just a famous Name that is still around and hasn't interfered with the world for 1,000+ years just for the hell of it. I admit it took a bit longer then I wanted to write it without holes, but it will be important as hell later.

    -Voldie and Merlin have been sifting through Harry's memories

    -Harry's Aunt dies by a Order traitor, vanishing the small bit of blood protection he has now that Tom's got his blood.

    -Vernon blames it on Harry, beats dat ass for it. (Note i actually gave a REAL reason Vernon would beat him so bad, not like everyone else and just HAD him do it b/c he was bored/drunk/made it seem like it always happened that bad.)

    -Voldie kills the traitor, Lupin comes to the rescue, runs to get help, Voldie drops tons of bombs that set the whole story up for Harry. Dumble's assassin wizards pushing him more and more to the dark to defend himself, the reason why the Death Eaters were formed, insight into Voldies mind why he feels the way he does.

    -Harry gets Excalibur-ish sword, from Merlin slipping into Tom's mind for a moment, the sword is .... bah can't tell ya that it'd ruin everything. Voldie doesn't remeber a spell he cast conjuring the sword, but it seems favorable, and he doesn't want to show he's not in control of himself at the moment, so he plays it down.

    -Lupin gets help, we see Dumbles and Fudge going at it, sets up chapters 9-11 where Harry gets his.

    -Harry gets to choose to kill Vernon or not, he chooses death, but can't bring himself to go that far yet. Note that i did not having him caring much about killing him, Harry was just simply not ready to do it yet. (No becoming a cold blooded killer out of the blue like alot do, when Harry does his first murder, it'll be for a real reason not just because the author is too lazy to find a good reason)

    -Vernon dies, Voldemort casts a verson of the spell he and Snape created to merge Harry with Sirius' magical core/soul making him a great bit stronger due to drawing from 2 magical cores now, the first hint of Sirius is heard in Harry's mind, before he passes out. Harry will hear from "Sirius" in the future.

    -Dumbles and crew finally get there, and all hell is about to break loose.

    -There has been no ships yet, no Harry suddenly realizing he's madly in love with random chick or someone he's known forever.

    -No Super Harry all of a sudden
    -No unexplained betrayals, sudden character shifts
    -No Mary/Gary sues that just pop out of nowhere to be disposable
    -No OOC (Tom is being manipulative remember, he knows he's going to die unless he does something)
    -No unbelieveable stuff yet.





    Earl of the North (I loved this guy till i sat and looked at all the chapters and how they meshed together, it's a mess of plot holes and characters acting totally different from one part to the next)

    -Harry is suddenly framed for murder. Everyone turns on him, despite the fact that he could of been Legimens-ized (spelling?) and found innocent easily.

    Despite the fact that it's supposedly hard to impossible to use someone elses wand and get decent results (Ron/Neville) and yet Malfoy casts a incredibly strong spell, kills countless muggles. If there was a masking spell for magical signatures, would the Aurors and Dumbles of all ppl, NOT be aware of it?


    -Truth serum is shrugged off senselessly, Dumbles sold him out for no reason. After doing it to Sirius, the fact that it is done again here, and in almost every other Azkaban fic makes it a stupid moment.

    -Harry in Azkaban, rushed, within a few moments of bring tossed in prison, in the FIRST chapter, he's met and made up with Bellatrix.

    All this happens in the FIRST chapter, the FIRST 1800 words of this story. I could stop here but I won't



    -Bella somehow knows about a warlock rune that hasn't been seen for ages, recognizes it, and somehow knows to look for it in the first place

    -Oh by the way, Harry's a long forgotten lord.

    -Dumbledore has a new prophecy! We've never heard that before! Lets here some more about the new prophecy! No? Oh well, lets change the whole world over it anyway! They stress the Black rod, which to the best of my memory atm, 30 chapters later isn't really mentioned at all.

    (Voldmort "vison" in my fic isn't a real vison, it's a mixture of Merlin forcing him to help Harry since noone else will, and the result of Voldemort using the spell he developed on a person with seer talents)


    -2300 word chapter 2. Nothing happens that can be explained decently, just a thrown together mosh of points to hurry up and get everything changed.

    Chapter 3 - Bella starts teaching him things

    -By the way, Lily is descended from a pureblood, and they've just had squibs forever

    -Snape is suddenly all for being friends with Harry!

    Chapter 4

    -Bella and Harry suddenly become life mates/married! All by cutting their hands each accidentally, and accidentally touching each other's cut! (Wow, why aren't more wizard medics married to damned near everyone they help then?)

    -They break out of Azkaban, the dementors stand aside afraid of Harry

    Chater 5

    -They find a huge castle

    Chapter 6
    -Harry screws her senseless
    -Starts screwing with the Ministry, passing all sorts of bills and demands. By the way he owns Hogwarts.

    Chapter 7
    -Al the background characters believe in Harry, yet not Ron and Hermione. Makes sense.

    Chapter 8
    -Everyone welcomes Bella with open arms, despite the fact she was one of the most wanted Death Eaters. You get a one sentance line to dismiss them not liking her.

    -He gets new wands.

    -He begins to make plans for his army, and the Queen of the Ice people (?) shows up. (Despite the fact that he will have a huge army 20 something chapters later, he always insists on going to battles himself with a small guard, and everyone treats him like a wimp, and he whines over it instead of doing something)

    -----

    My point of comparing the two? Well mine is new, not really getting reviews on FF.net (which does bug me considering the absolute crap I've seen lately on there get 300+ positive reviews in FIVE DAYS when it was 20K words long, and so typoed yu cnt hardy red it.

    Earl of the North is touted as one of the best Harry/Azkabans out there right now, which is why I picked it to compare mine to. It feels rushed (he's corrected this in the last several chapters by doing basically nothing.), massive plot holes, unbelievably allegiance changers, out of character from one chapter to the next (read ahead to where Harry is confronted by the Order.)

    In mine, there is build up, no plot holes, everything is explained, you will wind up feeling genuine feelings towards my characters. They are and will be fleshed out, true to how I've written them. Harry will not be a conquering badass in one chapters, and crying like a baby the next over something stupid.


    It may feel slow to some, but it is simply because you are not used to reading a story where Harry doesn't become GOD/Lord/Holy snap he's strong in the first 20K words. =P

    I intend to try to get at least one or two authors writing in a way that is not simply carbon copying everyone else, with a mad rush to the finish.
     
  20. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    I did write that when I was read to jump through the 'net and murder another reviewer who sent me a nice expletive filled email, so take it with a grain of salt =)