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Oneshot Voices, by Surarrin [Jon] - M - Dresden Files

Discussion in 'Dresden Files' started by Jon, Mar 29, 2010.

  1. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    Title: Voices
    Author: Surarrin
    Rating: M
    Genre: Mystery/Adventure
    DLP Category: The Dresden Files
    Words: 10,443
    Published: April 7, 2010

    Status: Oneshot
    Summary: So, here's the story of my very own Disney Adventure...
    Links:
    PDF Sexy Version: http://www.demonsdesire.org/nuhuh/voices.pdf
    Patronus Charm: http://www.patronuscharm.net/s/343/1/
    Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877628/1/


    A little something I wrote for Nuhuh's birthday. Unbeta'ed thus far.


    Checked by Minion, January 5, 2013
    demonsdesire is long gone...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2013
  2. Nuhuh

    Nuhuh Dastardly Shadow Admin Retired Staff

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    And a new favorite OC is born.

    Thanks, Jon.

    Read bros and hos.
     
  3. Seratin

    Seratin Proudmander –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

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    “They’re getting even bigger,” she informed me proudly and pushed her chest out.

    I lol'd. Nice work and a fitting present. You did good, boy. Real good.
     
  4. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    I can't say the quality is anything new. Everyone knows how awesome Jon is, with writing Potter in Abjuration.

    What I can say, however, is that it does compare favorably to Butcher. The mood, the flow, the jokes... Jon has taken a canvas and painted a beautiful portrait of his soul!

    *coughs*

    Anyway... Annabell was tantalizingly awesome, Diane was wonderfully sympathetic... Characterizations were great, all around, honestly. The story flows pretty well for being a short oneshot... A lot of people don't do well with first person fight scenes. That Jon can is most certainly a badge upon his shirt. And then the ending...

    Five out of Five!
     
  5. fuubar

    fuubar Headmaster

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    You've truly out done yourself with this one. I was strongly reminded of Heorot for some reason ...

    It really felt like I was reading one of the short stories. 5/5
     
  6. w1lliam

    w1lliam Groundskeeper

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    This is awesome

    5/5
     
  7. Vir

    Vir Centauri Ambassador ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Read it. Wasn't really impressed, it doesn't stick in my mind like the other things you've written.
     
  8. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~

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    Well written, but felt kinda pointless. Can't say it wasn't good though.
     
  9. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    I agree with the two above. I can't honestly say it was bad, but... I've felt nothing after and during the read. This is why I really dislike one-shots. Anyway, 3.5-4/5 from me.
     
  10. Zephyrus

    Zephyrus Endlessly Tilting Windmills

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    Well done, sir, well done.

    I did feel rather apathetic towards the fic on the whole, but I especially enjoyed the Flotsam and Jetsam cameos.

    I would have seriously been squicked if you had written anything smutty concerning Ursula/Dresden. That's too close to tentacle porn for my tastes.

    4/5 for me.
     
  11. White Rabbit

    White Rabbit Hippity Hoppity DLP Supporter

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    The Best: Molly. Great line!

    The Good: Writing is well done and similar to Butcher's. I enjoyed most of the characters. Diane is Dresden's Achilles Heel, exactly the kind of person that gets him into trouble. Like Butcher you chose to include actual mythological entities. The ending left me wanting a more.

    The Middle: Annabel seems to be more of a creation of yours with the name Svartalfar slapped on. Not a big issue for me, but I'd have given mad props if you'd found a mythological creature that had similar characteristics. Fetches are Mab's wetworks guys if I remember correctly, but I like the playboy bunny assassins also :D. Unbeta'd, nothing big, just a few things here and there.

    The Bad: Didn't really like the hobo. Just seemed like an easy transition; whether he was in the know or not. He was just there to move the plot along. Lots of Forzare, not so much Fuego. Giant funnel spider web is an easy target for massive fire damage. After that first Fuego, Harry would probably catch on that that shit is his ideal area to fuck up enemies with fire.

    The Ugly: No Death Slinky bro. If it got used I didn't see it. I wanted to see a goddamn slinky fuck some shit up, man. I am disappointed. :(

    Overall Rating: 4/5 Good story. Some parts could have been thought out more, but it's got the style and feel of Dresden. Good work man.
     
  12. Shezza

    Shezza Renegade 4 Life DLP Supporter

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    Man, nuhuh better like his damn present considering all the crap you're giving me to come and review it :p

    I like it for a lot of the reasons that's said above. Dresden feels in character, Fae are always fun to read and Molly fanservice is...man, it's just so damn awesome. The only criticism I have is that the climax of the story, the fight, seemed to end just a tad quickly. It's not bad, mind you, but it could have resolved itself in a more meaningful way.

    Cheers, Jon, for a nice story to read. Go write some more, you dirty, dirty whore.

    Edit: According to a little bird, you're already working on a new and improved fight scene with some more meat. Hence, constructive criticism is not so constructive anymore...
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  13. Torak

    Torak Death Eater

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    As I said before it needed more Molly but its pretty good for a oneshot. The conflict ended a bit too fast but other than that 5/5.
     
  14. Big D on a Diet

    Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    Excellent writing, as usual, but an abrupt and unsatisfying ending with several questions left in the air.

    We never found out why Annabel wanted Harry. Was it a revenge thing or what? And why exactly did she want the Summer boon?

    Would have been nice to at least see Harry grab the diary and make off with it during the fight. Him killing the bitch with the slinky 'o doom (I assumed that was the entire point of him grabbing a metallic weapon for a confrontation with one of the Fae) would have been even better than that.

    Mister Chekhov would be very disappointed with you.

    10 for writing (a few very minor grammatical errors, none of which interfere with the story. It should be a "Stepford smile" not a step ford smile, for example), but a 7 for storytelling.
     
  15. Random Shinobi

    Random Shinobi Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    Why did the Sidhe use deadly force against Harry? The moment Harry dies, the favors he owes the Mab are rendered worthless. There is no fucking way the Monarch of Unseelie would take that without opening a can of whoop-ass. Gaining a favor with Summer is useless if she is a frozen statue in Arctis Tor...
     
  16. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    Uh, the way I meant to write it was 'Cut off his arms and legs, but leave him alive!' Didn't it come across like that?
     
  17. Random Shinobi

    Random Shinobi Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    People don't generally survive having their their limbs ripped off, and even if he did, a cripple is useless to Mab.
     
  18. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    Shows what you know.

    I lost three arms and a leg in a week and I'm still here. :awesome
     
  19. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    Posted on FF.NET. Any more opinions before I move it to the library?
     
  20. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    Meh, it's alright. Couldn't get into it, it lacks something your other stories have. Consistency? Romance? Hmm.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2010
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