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WIP Walk on the Moon by SixPerfections - M - Naruto

Discussion in 'Naruto' started by Nemrut, Nov 10, 2015.

  1. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage Prestige

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    Title: Walk on the Moon
    Author: SixPerfections
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure/Drama
    Status: Work In Progress
    Fandom: Naruto
    Words: 227,151
    Summary: A girl reborn into the world of ninja wants to escape the cycle of violence. Power is the only thing that brings freedom in the ninja world and she will have freedom... at any cost. However breaking the bonds she forms won't be as simple as she imagines. AU SI.
    Link: fanfiction.net

    So, where to start.

    I really like this story, it's the type of SI story I have been looking for a while, where the protag is not necessarily evil but more on the selfish and ruthless side.

    Story is that the SI is reborn as the older sister of Ino and as the summary indicates, she wants to attain sufficient strength to be able to leave Konoha and live without them being able to come after her, basically wanting to become an S-class missing nin, since she values her freedom over everything and sees that as the only road to that goal.

    What makes this fun to read is that unlike most SI stories, it's not about her trying to avoid the genius label and try to downplay it but rather, she embraces it fully, wanting to excel as soon as possible and giving her best to achieve that goal, to become powerful.

    So, she is pretty much a larger than life character who is held in high regard by her clan. It's one of the best things, actually, seeing outside perspectives on her and seeing how much everyone likes and loves her (in her family, I mean) and has high hopes for her future, with her eventually leading the clan in its Golden Era while she fully intends to ditch the clan and Konoha as soon as she can get away with it, mainly because she deeply resents Konoha, or at least portions of the village.

    It gets complicated by her love to Ino and the fact that she becomes better and better friends with Neji and Tenten, so, it's interesting how that plays out. Personally, it's the one story where I want her to remain in Konoha, simply because the whole political aspect is infinitely more interesting than her fucking around in the elemental nations.

    Really, the Yamanaka and Sarutobi conflict that came from this really interests me and I am looking forward to see more, especially seeing how the Sarutobi seem to be historically linked to the Yamanaka, Nara and Akimichi, what with them giving the earrings. Is Asuma going to end up as the sensei for the Ino-Shika-Cho trio, for example? I kinda doubt that now. And while all four clans are close, Inoichi's best friends are the Akimichi and Nara heirs and so far, Shikaku has shown that he is firmly on Inoichi's side. With Rei cultivating ties with the Hyuuga as well, there is an interesting power block forming.

    Well, to Rei itself, I like her, really, I do. Although, I do feel, that at the beginning, her descent was maybe a bit too fast. She did not so much slide down the slippery slope as she did dash, propelled by rockets.

    For a person who was so appalled by the amoral and anti human rights, actions, and tendencies of the village, she sure decided very quickly on the "ends justify the means" approach. One of the two points of criticism I have, would be that maybe that could have been fleshed out better, maybe make it so that she does try it to be more moral, be nicer, but comes to the realization again and again that her chosen path does not allow for it.

    I do not mind her hypocrisy on that subject, mind, I find that makes her more human than anything else, grounds her, I just felt that this happened a bit too quickly. And that she was a bit quick to dismiss the utilitarian/needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few aspect, seeing that the village does not do what it does out of fun. Then again, I am rather convinced it is not the actions per se and their morality of it and rather the fact that those negative things may and did happen to her in particular that has her like this. It's one of the reasons that I like her, that she isn't this morally righteous person but rather, deeply flawed.

    So, yeah, I quite like her. I like her tendencies to really only give a damn about a select few people and not really about anyone else. It makes for an interesting change. Characters of her moral alignment are hard to pull off, where taking it too far makes them unlikeable whereas not taking it far enough makes them uninteresting and so far, the balance and progression on Rei has been great.

    Her interactions with several people is also interesting. The dynamic with Anko is fun, her relationship with Ino is heartwarming but also heading to conflict fast with Rei having this huge blindspot and not handling it all that well, the whole clan/family situation is awesome and has huge potential, Tenten and Neji are solid characters as is her dynamic with both, her summons are original in terms of Naruto summons and her relationship with Hinata is both, fiercely interesting and uncomfortable/messed up at the same time.

    Quite liked the Rat summons, and her winning them over like that. Quite refreshing over all to see a SI embrace the genius label and delve into improving herself like that, not hiding her Rat summons, and instead openly learning from them. I am confused on this one though, but maybe that will come into it later, but why are the Rats cool with Rei's plans of abandoning Konoha? Not that they have any love for it, but they do value family above everything and Rei fully intends to leave her family, her sister behind? So, would think that the rats would not favour her abandoning her family quite so openly but maybe that will get addressed.

    The second point of criticism, or rather, concern, I have is the pace. On one hand, I love the slow burn so far, that the story takes the time to develop Rei and her abilities, that it explores so many issues, set up so many butterflies and introduce so many plot hooks.

    On the other hand, we are more than 200k words in, and Rei is still not even a Genin. That's one year away and it seems the next time skip of a year is still at least one or two chapters away. Then we would have a year and a half of running missions as a team, of which I assume we will see at least one, how many chapters that will turn out to be. At that point, when we reach the chunin exam, we might be, roughly, at 300k words, at least.

    Chunin exams start roughly around chapter 40 in the manga. The manga had 700 chapters. Even if the author disregards much of the canon plot, and I really they you do, we are still, very much, at the beginning of Rei's journey. I don't mind a long read, love the prospect of it, in fact, the longer the better, but one might make the argument that it is a bit slow. Then again, I wouldn't know what to cut, seeing how everything was necessary for Rei's development and the world-building. And I don't necessary think it should be sped up since I do like the pace.

    Overall, interesting story, memorable, lots of interesting things happening in it and quite the page turner. 4/5
     
  2. sonny_yalin

    sonny_yalin Third Year

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    I've been reading a few more SIs lately and this one has stood out so far. I really wish the author would have cut some of this, though. 200k words and she's not even a genin? There is such a thing as writing too much and dragging it out, in my opinion.
     
  3. Citrus

    Citrus First Year

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    I started reading this a few days ago, and it seems it hasn't been updated in 2 months now? Which is a little long when looking at how long it seems the author has taken between chapters historically
     
  4. disturbed27

    disturbed27 Professor

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    I just started getting into Naruto fanfic. I've mostly read SIs. I'm assuming they are particularly popular in the fandom. I started with DoS and moved on to Vapors to What Doesn't Kill You. From what I've seen people say it seems DoS is the most regarded Naruto SI and I wasn't expecting this to be as good. I was surprised to find this isn't the case. IMO this fic is just as good as DoS. I actually like it even better because Rei is my kind of protagonist.

    I suppose I'll start with the problems this fic has. I saw a handful of spelling errors each chapter that always break my immersion. The author should probably be putting the chapters through a spell check. That's my only real problem with the story, and it's fairly minor.

    A much more minor problem (more of a pet peeve I guess) will be contained in spoiler tags because it isn't really important to the review not because it is actually a spoiler.
    It seems to make a seemingly incorrect assumption about the Hyuga which I've seen in all of the other Naruto fics I've read (I think). It shows non-canon ninja of the clan without the caged bird seal. I haven't finished Shippuden and never read the manga, so correct me if I'm wrong, but since Hiashi's younger brother was given the caged bird seal that would seem to suggest literally every member of the Hyuga Clan (or at least all the ninja) besides the clan heir would receive the caged bird seal. I don't think Hanabi has it which means either she didn't receive it because of Hinata's ineptitude or females aren't given the seal. Like I said, pretty minor.

    The things I love about this story are, well, everything. I pretty much blew through the whole thing yesterday. The protagonist is my favorite type as I mentioned and she seems much like what I would be like (or want to be like) if I found myself in the Naruto universe, which I think is what SIs are suppose to do. She's driven, smart, ruthless bordering on sociopathic and unwilling to be controlled.

    Unlike the other SI's I've read she isn't a perfect person either. She's arrogant, occasionally very childish and not super self aware. The first two make a lot of sense given the circumstances. Her arrogance probably was already a part of her personality that was reinforced by being treated like a genius by everyone and also having peers who are children. Her occasional childishness annoyed me at first, but then I thought about it. If I were stuck in a child's body with a not fully developed brain, being treated like a kid by everyone around me, I probably would become more childish as well. How people treat us greatly impacts our personality. Her lack of self awareness obviously isn't explained by her situation, but its just a character flaw that like her arrogance makes her seem more human. I think overall, the negative aspects of her personality are outweighed by her positive attributes. I probably wouldn't like her in real life, but that's not really important to me. She's a wonderfully three dimensional character, that's what I care about.

    Despite probably not liking her in real life, I loved seeing her from the people around her's points of view, especially Tenten and Neji. I laughed out loud several times in the Tenten chapter. As well as being a unique perspective, both of those chapters also made me really like their respective POV characters, adding depth to both of them, especially Neji. It was interesting not just seeing Rei, but also the world from their perspective. I'm looking forward to one from Hinata.

    The Summoning arc was just great. It was suspenseful, unique and also fit very well into canon. Its aftermath as well as Rei's reaction to were great as well.

    The story is long, and Rei has yet to graduate from the Academy (much to her frustration), but this doesn't seem to be a problem, in fact like Nemrut said I'm glad there will be a lot to read. I never felt like the story was dragging unlike Vapors and DoS which had arcs that were a chore to read and took seemingly forever. If anything I'm just anxious to see what comes next.

    As Nemrut said, Rei's relationship with Hinata is both fascinating and disturbing. It's just all kinds of fucked, and I have the feeling its going get even more fucked in the future. Hiashi really screwed his clan, allowing Rei to become close to both Neji and Hinata, I hope we get to see his reaction when he figures that out.

    Lastly, I want to talk about one of my favorite aspects of Rei and this story, her simultaneous hatred of the militaristic and cruel attitudes in Konoha and her slowly embracing both of them as a part of her personality. Yes, it's hypocritical, but like her other flaws its humanizing, we're all hypocritical in ways we don't realize. The author clearly juxtaposes her hatred of what's around her with her pride of what's within her. Its a clear progression, despite her best efforts, the indoctrination of violence has been growing stronger and stronger without the loyalty to the village part. I think that Rei is eventually going to realize this contradiction, but will have walked so far down that path to 'freedom' that she'll be trapped in what she was trying to escape.

    I give this a 5/5. I'm looking forward to future chapters. It's been a while since the last one but I hope the author updates soon, because I'm hungry for more.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2015
  5. Dn18

    Dn18 Second Year

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    5/5 from me on this. All of my thoughts have been covered. Great writing, interesting and flawed protaganist, doesn't drag and has a lot of what I look for in a story. I also would rate this higher then both DOS and Vapors as I too really like the personality of the protaganist and find it more realistic then the common "I'm going to help Naruto!" thinking that I see in a lot of SIs.

    I highly highly recommend this story and am eagerly awaiting an update.
     
  6. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I've been following but thought it died in the water when the SB mods banned the author for implied child or some shit. Apparently it updated 2 hours ago though. I went through a streak of reading SIs, and they're really not my thing but what makes this one work is there is no referencing their other life and the only thing they really talk about is just remembering how fucked up Narutos world and how they plan on getting stronger to survive the worst.
     
  7. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage Prestige

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    Yeah, new update. That chapter had more typos than usual, which was unfortunate but still, I liked the chapter and the way this played out between the two sisters
     
  8. Drake

    Drake Seventh Year

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    Updated. I hope this is the beginning of a hilarious friendship with Kakashi.
     
  9. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage Prestige

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    I loved how even Kakashi wasn't sure how to deal with this much arrogance and self-delusion. I love Rei.
     
  10. GiantMonkeyMan

    GiantMonkeyMan High Inquisitor

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    I really don't. I like my protagonists to have confidence but I feel that this level of delusional arrogance deserves a beat-down and some perspective because I find it annoying.
     
  11. Palindrome

    Palindrome A bigger, darker mark Moderator DLP Supporter

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    I've read all of this story and have been following it for a while, but I'm still not really sure where my thoughts lie on the matter.

    On the one hand, this is a pretty decently written story, and is interesting enough to follow. On the other hand, the protagonist is just such an utter brat that it can be infuriating. For me, at least. I have a feeling that it's very much a whatever-tickles-your-pickle situation.

    That said, in this latest chapter she did perhaps the most bratty, overconfident thing she's ever done. And to be honest, I actually found it pretty hilarious instead of grating. I have a feeling she's due for an epic ego smackdown imminently, and I'm not sure I'll be sad or not when that happens any more.

    I don't know. Muddled thoughts on this one. I kinda like it, and I kinda don't like it - either way, I'm enjoying reading it. I'm not certain that stance on this story makes sense, but then my thoughts on it don't make sense, so in a way... that makes sense.

    4/5
     
  12. chiefnewo

    chiefnewo First Year DLP Supporter

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    I'm enjoying this for it's own sake, but also because it's a refreshing contrast to other SIs that I've read. Whereas in DoS Shikako is everybody's friend, in Moon Rei doesn't give a shit and is only friendly as far as it suits her purposes.

    I agree with Nemrut's thoughts on
    Rei's summons. I can't remember if she has told them of her plan to leave the village or not, but I'm interested to see how they handle it. One one hand they might not care as long as she is loyal to the Rat family, but on the other they may see it as a heinous crime and abandon her, throwing her plans into jeopardy as she now has no village and no summons to back her up.

    In the latest chapter her introduction to Kakashi with a poisoned weapon shows that she may be starting to slide down the road to psychotic. As for her hypocrisy about the village's actions versus her own it seems to me that it's a case of Rei using her moral outrage as an excuse to justify her wanting to leave rather than a reason, that is she would have left anyway but now she can make herself feel ok about it.

    As for the writing, I'd say it is very good. Characters have distinct voices, the prose flows well and most importantly for me lately, SixPerfections actually understands where the comma goes when writing speech. On the negative side there are a lot of typos, but nothing I can't happily read over. It is also a bit long for the amount of time passed so far but that isn't as big a negative for me as long as it doesn't get too bogged down.

    I'd say 4.5 rounded up to 5/5
     
  13. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage Prestige

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    We all know she has a reality check coming, as it stands, it would be outright dangerous to leave her as she is, for both, her own safety and that of others, as her actions in the last chapter showed.

    and I'm quite certain this will come from the rats, to be honest. I think they know of her plans but have been oddly supportive for now. I think they will use this and her overconfident behaviour as a wake-up call, to show her the errors of her way. After all, even to the rats, she's still a child and needs to be steered away from bad decisions and taught.

    I can't see the Yamanaka doing that, they are way too much into the hype of finally having a genius worthy of the title. It's one of the aspects I love so much. Sure, there might be one or two who would be willing to do it but I see the rats as more probable, especially since they have the "you never betray family" lecture to give.
     
  14. Six Paths of Pain

    Six Paths of Pain First Year

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    Nemrut, the author explained on SpaceBattles the rats are hypocrites in the fact that they don't care so much about Family, as they do 'The Family' ie. rats.
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2016
  15. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage Prestige

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    Well, that's disappointing. Thank you for telling me that, though.
     
  16. Six Paths of Pain

    Six Paths of Pain First Year

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    Nemrut, here's the quote.

    The link to page:here
     
  17. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage Prestige

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    So, this story got a nice update and I still deeply fascinated by Rei. I just love her portrayal, how she feels so pissed off at the inherent injustice in the Naruto world and how her answer to the cruel monsters threatening the values and freedoms she cherishes was to be an even bigger and stronger cruel monster doing the very same she hated and feared to others until she could bee free and safe.

    It's so tragic and hypocritical that I can't help but love that character. That fight with Anko was great.

    The omake was also interesting, Team 7 sensei Rei would also have made for an interesting story but I will never give up on that extremely toxic relationship with Hinata that she has.
     
  18. Nazgus

    Nazgus Headmaster

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    Gotta say though, it was pretty satisfying for her to so very clearly not get away with her crap here. She thinks so ill of everyone that she's become quite a bit worse than most. Anko isn't really that far off when she says Rei is acting like Orochimaru.
     
  19. viburnum

    viburnum First Year

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    Does Naruto exist in this story at all?
     
  20. Ashan

    Ashan Seventh Year DLP Supporter

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    He was mentioned in one of the academy scenes, so yes.