1. DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

    Competition topic: Magical New Year!

    Marathon goal? Crank out words!

    Check the marathon thread or competition thread for details.

    Dismiss Notice
  2. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Introducing for your Perusing Pleasure

    New Thread Thursday
    +
    Shit Post Sunday

    READ ME
    Dismiss Notice

Entry #5

Discussion in 'Q3 Flash Competition' started by Xiph0, Jul 29, 2021.

  1. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Yoda Admin

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2005
    Messages:
    9,498
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    West Bank
    “Why?” Harry’s hand gripped the two blades of the twin-bladed knife. He felt the edges cut into his palms. The pain was sharper here, not the dull ache of the hole in his chest.

    “Because we always die. Because this world always dies. Because we make our own fate. Choose one.” His killer cocked his head to the side. “I watched them all, you know: the final battle, the paths that diverge from it; a martyr, a hero — and an ignoble, mediocre end no matter the road, Harry Potter. I weighted them all, measured their worth and found them insufferably boring. Then, I made a different choice.” His killer paused, then grinned his own grin back at Harry and twisted the knife. “You’re welcome.”

    Harry blinked, glanced down. Blood oozed out, dripping onto the floor.

    “Happy Birthday, Harry.”

    Harry snorted, coughed and spat the blood onto the floor. His lips twisted into a red mimicry of a smile.

    “You’re a bastard, Harry,” Harry said — and died.

    “Takes one to know one.” Harry Potter stepped over his own body and vanished.

    ____________________________


    The outcast opened his eyes — and survived. For a time.

    The wheel of the world had turned. The people scrambled for the last few scrapes of a golden age; starving for food, for water, for life and for hope. Hope had always been a terrifying, terrible thing. Especially for Harry.

    They came for him as he slept in a ruined building in that always dying world.

    The rings felt heavy on his fingers, the new clothes deceptively soft on his skin, even as the ropes cut into his wrists. The twin-bladed knife glinted with promise while they spoke their prayers, spoke their prophecies and portents. An order formed to save the world and he their savior. Oh, how familiar indeed.

    It was always prophecies with him.

    Happy Birthday, Harry, he thought as they painted over his eyes and his world turned black.

    _____________________________________________

    The outsider opened his eyes — and dreamed. For aeons.

    As the world rose and grew and ended — because the world always dies — he watched. As title became name and those who used it placed their hopes upon it and him, he watched and saw them end. It tasted like satisfaction upon his tongue, their despair as they turned to their created god and did not find succor. After all, they were not interesting nor was it ever said that he had to be a benevolent god. And if somewhere, in the back of his mind, this echoed with the sweetness of vengeance or forgotten familiarity and distaste for prophecies, well then…the Void was empty of those who would dare chastise him.

    It was, perhaps then, inevitable, that they turned away from him, laying their faults at his feet to claim as his own. This, too, was familiar and human nature both. The Outsider found himself utterly unsurprised and too cynical to be disappointed. He turned to other, interesting, things instead.

    Upon the flowing waves of the Void, he drifted and dreamed. As first decades, then centuries passed, he bore witness to atrocities and splendor both. Lips twisting in agony or voices calling out in rapture; all of it returned to the same few paths, as did his interest. And if sometimes he stumbled upon potential? Well, a touch here, a mark placed upon the back of an orphan’s hand there; it was a welcome diversion in this magicless world.

    It was his dream, after all, and even the best dreams turn stale.

    All dreams end.

    He didn’t dare call it a nightmare.

    _________________________________________________________


    “Empress Emily Kaldwin,” he savored the taste of her paths, suddenly unknown to him; Emily the Wise or Emily the Black no longer. How fascinating. “I’m a friend of your father’s from the bad old days.”

    Outsider, her thought echoed in the Void, whispering of the choice already made. As his mark burned into her hand and soul, the magic crept into her veins. Even her father, more than a decade in the past, had not taken so swiftly, so naturally to his powers. She was Karnaca’s new, benevolent ghost and he ghosted in her shadow, watching, wondering, even more unsure of the ending that would follow.

    “Not once have you let that blade taste blood,” he commented to her idly, watching her fold and unfold the blade, the movement resonating strangely in the Void. “Is it mercy that stays your hand, I wonder?”

    One of her eyebrows rose and her dark eyes narrowed, the corner of her lips twitching into an almost-smile.

    “Nothing so gracious, I’m afraid,” she answered, as he knew she would. This dance of theirs, as her magic blossomed and his interest persisted, seemed to have its own steps; ones he did not know but still took. Why was she different? He couldn’t say. “It’s vengeance.”

    “Emily the Vengeful…” But no, it would not come to that. He shook his head.

    “You don’t believe me? To take a man’s mind but leave him alive, to return a woman to her powerless state, her freedom gone… how curious that you would call that mercy, Outsider.”

    “Perhaps it is Emily the Just, then.” She didn’t flinch when he appeared next to her, his face scant inches from hers. “What would your justice do to me? Would you condemn me? Or plunge your blade into my chest? What would it be like, to kill a god? The god who gave your mother’s assassin his magic and the woman who stole your throne her mark? Well, Your Imperial Majesty? What is my fate? What shall it be?”

    Her lips tasted of magic and the Void.

    “Ask me again later.”

    ___________________________________

    Strangely enough, “later” did come and it came right before the end. The mourning song of whales flowed across the Void in melancholy waves, foretelling of things yet to happen. She stepped through the empty spaces and walked upon the rocky isles with the nonchalance of someone at home. An empress again.

    He eyed the twin-bladed knife at her side. Somewhere, far away and yet so near, Billie Lurk had a choice to make.

    “Mercy or vengeance, Your Imperial Majesty? What does your justice look like?”

    Her hand took his, fingers entwined. He felt the cold metal of the hilt in his palm. His eyes had closed. Her breath whispered across his cheek.

    “Not mercy or vengeance. Choice, Outsider. The choice to make our own fate.”

    Simply choice. A privilege he always gave others; a courtesy never yet returned.

    Then: a whispered name in his ear from far away; Emily’s soft lips ghosting over his skin; memories returned.

    His eyes opened.

    __________________________________


    He thrust the blade into Harry Potter’s chest, watched it turn red and smiled.

    “Why?”

    There were so, so many answers. But to the man who was Harry Potter, who was the outcast, who was the Outsider, there could only be one: to choose his own fate.

    __________________________________


    They met again on one of Dunwall’s rooftops. Magic, he could see, had blossomed in truth; rare flowers straining to reach the sun, soon to be as numerous as the waters of the oceans. And here he was, returned as the world had returned, free from prophecy or fate, choosing to continue their dance.

    Dark eyes lit up as she saw him and, with a blink of magic, she was against him once more. Her lips tasted of the Void, tingling with magic.

    “Your Imperial Majesty, a fine welcome indeed.”

    “Outsider.” She grinned, but then her brow furrowed. “Your eyes are green.”

    “I was born anew.” He paused, smiled at the irony of it all. “Once upon a time, those green eyes you admire so much were a mark of one Harry Potter, wizard.”

    Emily smiled.

    “Well, then. Happy Birthday, Harry Potter. And welcome to Dunwall.”
     
  2. haphnepls

    haphnepls Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2019
    Messages:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Croatia
    Heh.
    When you open with this... I've no idea what is going on here.

    The second and the third sections are accomplishing the same thing so to have them both included is kinda redundant, dragging our attention away from what became clear later, and because of it, the cross hadn't had the same punch it had the potential to have.

    I like what you did here, though, and I'm curious if there's a bigger idea behind it?

    All in all, not bad, but not that good either. I'll settle for entertaining.
     
  3. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2011
    Messages:
    437
    Location:
    Cyber City Oedo
    High Score:
    1204
    This is so far from HP that if you hadn't included the name "Harry Potter" in there nobody would have been able to guess this is a HP fic. Instead it's some twaddle about Outsiders and outcasts and whatnot.

    I have no clue what's going on, and not in a sense that I find particularly compelling. I mean, how am I meant to rank this among the other pieces? It doesn't resemble HP in tone, it doesn't resemble HP in setting, and I skipped from the third bit onwards.

    1/5.
     
  4. Microwave

    Microwave Professor

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2017
    Messages:
    477
    There seems to be a little bit of missing context in this story. By a little bit, I mean a lot of missing context. The events in the story happen, but there’s no indication of why they’re happening, what is happening, and who in the world Emily is. The reader is just left trapped in some sort of fever dream of isolated events that don’t seem to have anything to do with anything.

    1/5
     
  5. Erotic Adventures of S

    Erotic Adventures of S Denarii Host

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2006
    Messages:
    3,805
    Location:
    New Zealand
    I feel I am missing something? Crossover I assume?

    The writing looked fine, technically. The story I have no idea. It wasn't suited for a short story as those who don't know all the backstory are far to lost. '

    1.8/5

    [/SPOILER}
     
  6. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2009
    Messages:
    8,379
    Location:
    The South
    1309 words
     
  7. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2009
    Messages:
    8,379
    Location:
    The South
    Dishonored crossover?
    I was very fond of your first scene. Really 'hooked' me with that one, but then I tend to like various Harry's interacting.

    I had trouble following events afterwards a bit though. After failing to find anything more concrete to sink my teeth into I accepted that we were in an AU dealing with issues on a dimension-wide scale (?) and rolled with it.

    After glancing through some other comments I google'd Emily Kaldwin and found that this was a crossover. I played a bit of Dishonored years ago, I think, but it wanted a bit too much stealth from me iirc.

    The writing here is pretty good. The prose is good and the dialogue works. But ultimately I didn't feel like I knew what was going on, even if you tried to make it as clear as possible in 1500 words.
     
  8. Garden

    Garden Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2010
    Messages:
    1,681
    Writing was...interesting. A bit of purple prose, somewhat confusing, but some flashes of elegance. I didn't enjoy this a ton , likely because I've never played Dishonored. But some good editing could really spruce this piece up, I think. 2.5/5
     
  9. Zel

    Zel High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2015
    Messages:
    515
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Brazil
    High Score:
    0
    Well, it's a Harry Potter story in name only. Even so, I enjoyed the feeling of mystery. The first bit set up the mood very well, and even though I was lost for a large chunk of it, the scattered hints of a larger, scarier universe tickle my fancy. If the author had managed to integrate these elements into an HP context, the entry would've been a lot stronger, but as it is, 2.5/5.
     
  10. LucyInTheSkye

    LucyInTheSkye Seventh Year

    Joined:
    May 29, 2020
    Messages:
    214
    Location:
    Away with the fairies
    I like your language and I think you've successfully managed to make it feel like a dream, like we're floating with Harry, weaving in and out of time in this.

    I'm assuming this is a crossover of some sort? I don't have the other half, which appears to be the important half, of this universe, and so I didn't quite follow what's happening here other than Harry dying over and over again. I think you would need to explain a bit better what's happened to Harry and who Emily is.
     
  11. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2009
    Messages:
    2,059
    Location:
    UK
    High Score:
    2,296
    OK...A Dishonoured crossover is interesting, and if you're going to do it, then having Harry as the Outsider does make a certain kind of sense I suppose. On the other hand, huh? The first scene is intriguing, and you do a good job of capturing the eerie atmosphere of the games, but ultimately this feels more like an Outsider character study that you've welded a bit of Harry Potter to to enter it in the competition. Technically sound enough, but just doesn't really work in this context unfortunately.
     
  12. Dubious Destiny

    Dubious Destiny Seventh Year

    Joined:
    May 3, 2018
    Messages:
    247
    As someone unfamiliar with the Dishonored series, this story was bewildering. There is a plot, but I have no sense of what is happening and what any of it means. The frequent time skips did not help either. I'll give this a 2/5.
     
  13. AlbusPHolmes

    AlbusPHolmes The Alchemist

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2011
    Messages:
    930
    So it appears this is a crossover? There's a reason crossovers are hard, a fact hindered further because this is a short story, and you never get the chance to introduce readers unfamiliar with the crossover world to the strange settings.

    The purple prose and grandiose, heady wanderings might have worked better with some solid grounding from the characters we see, but as is, it's just meandering and bewildering. I lost interest pretty quickly.

    You know how to write, that much is clear. The writing just didn't suit this story at all.

    2/5
     
  14. FitzDizzyspells

    FitzDizzyspells Seventh Year DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2018
    Messages:
    227
    What a hook! And then… nothing happens.

    I don't know anything about the Dishonored fandom, and this story certainly didn't teach me anything. Your prose was clean and error-free, but I can't call it good writing because my eyes kept glazing over and skimming.

    I don’t feel like I know any of these characters at all — their personalities, their motivations, their flaws. I don’t care what happens to them, and despite the multiple murders of Harry Potter, not much seems to happen to them at all.
     
  15. soczab

    soczab Professor

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2016
    Messages:
    424
    High Score:
    0
    Others pretty much said it. I can see you have talent as a writer, but I didnt fully understand what was going on plot wise.
     
  16. Eilyfe

    Eilyfe Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
    May 27, 2014
    Messages:
    1,788
    Gender:
    Male
    I’m unsure what to feel about this. It’s competently written from a prose and dialogue perspective, and I do like the overall idea of mysticism and overarching godhood you got going on. However, the pace was too rapid for me. It feels like these are the kinds of ideas that need some space and background to develop properly and appreciate. Instead I felt rushed from scene to scene, barely able to get my bearings. You certainly have a way with words, so there’s that. The sentences sometimes even feel impactful, although if I couldn’t quite tell why given that the story already pulled me further.

    Overall it reads as if you had a fantastic vision in your head when you wrote this, all elements connected, but as a reader I’m not privy to all that knowledge, so it fell somewhat flat. There’s a fine line to walk between giving too much and too little information, but your story definitely veers into the too little territory.

    2,5/5
     
  17. Atri

    Atri Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2012
    Messages:
    364
    Thanks for the reviews and feedback. Yeah, the story probably is a bit more impactful if you actually know Dishonored lore and story. In any case, I might actually rewrite/lengthen this story in the future. We'll see.
     
  18. Atri

    Atri Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2012
    Messages:
    364
    For those of you who are interested: The Birth of the Outsider

    Edited the one-shot a bit. Might expand upon it in the future.
     
Loading...
Similar Threads
  1. Xiph0
    Replies:
    15
    Views:
    1,175
  2. Xiph0
    Replies:
    14
    Views:
    1,202
  3. Xiph0
    Replies:
    15
    Views:
    1,300
  4. Xiph0
    Replies:
    18
    Views:
    1,573
  5. Xiph0
    Replies:
    14
    Views:
    817