Dark Lord Potter Forums
Go Back   Dark Lord Potter Forums > Library > The Alternates
Donate Register Rules Library List IRC Chat FAQ Members List Social Groups Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Donate to DLP Scryer Banner

 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-23-2013, 11:44 PM   #21
Fardeki
Headmaster
 
Fardeki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Riley Poole View Post
I've been imagining it's Trow simply because he can act on the physical world (at least I think that the second person can) It's not Lupin though as in Chapter 14 he mentions bringing the werewolf up to see Snape.
This, I assume its Trow too, and it can't be Dumbledore, there was somewhere in the story where the second person interacts with Harry or use to interact with Harry, I can't remember which chapter but it was there, would be hard for a portrait to do. So that ruled out Dumbledore and Lupin, and Trow is a constant in Harry's life, who also sees the most of him out of any adult in the story.
Fardeki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-2013, 01:47 AM   #22
Stormey
Groundskeeper
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 327
I like the fic, but Snape is irritating.
Its an extremely badly thought out plan.
You can never ever put a person through a pre planned scenario like they seem to have done and expect a particular result.

Especially the part where
 
Snape kills Hermione`s parents
That didn`t even make sense.
Snape is like.. don`t worry, I wont kill the girl. Although I do think I can stop them being friends if I kill the girls parents.


And I must say I`m glad about what Harry did at the final fight. I was rooting for him to do that in the forest, but at least he did it later on.

And as far as the identity of that second person, its probably Dumbledore.
Basis are 2 points:
1) He is supposed to have blue eyes.
2) He knows Toms past. And I don`t mean someone told him about it, but the way it was written, it certainly seemed like it was Dumbledore who saw it happen.

I don`t even think it is a portrait either.
I think somehow they managed to trick everyone into thinking that he is dead, while he really isn't.

I would rate this 3/5. I like it, but I still don`t see myself recommending this fic to my friends. Its mostly a guilty pleasure. Writing seems good enough, but I cant rate a fic high, when I know almost anything that happens is because it was forced to be that way, not because it just happened to be that way.

If Snape was a lot less involved, and some of the things happening were coincidences, then I would have rated it 4.

Last edited by Stormey; 05-24-2013 at 01:51 AM.
Stormey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-2013, 09:48 AM   #23
KwanLi
First Year
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 36
Thanks for the add and the comments everyone
KwanLi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-2013, 09:54 AM   #24
Riley
Alchemist
 
Riley's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: On The Eastern Seaboard, USA
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,333
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormey View Post
1) He is supposed to have blue eyes.
2) He knows Toms past. And I don`t mean someone told him about it, but the way it was written, it certainly seemed like it was Dumbledore who saw it happen.
1) There are many character's with blue eyes and I can't recall but I don't think we were ever told what Trow's eye color was, let anyone many others.

2) If Dumbledore did die and did proclaim Snape as his successor, why would he have kept Tom's past a secret. It's highly possible that Snape was told, and due to having trouble in managing a school, a child's future and the Horcrux hunt, he enlisted the help of someone else. It doesn't have to be Trow but I doubt it's Dumbledore.

My reason for not believing Dumbledore is quite simple: it would immensely hurt the story if Dumbledore were alive since he would never allow Snape to change the school into what he has, even if he were dead, he also would never allow a student to kill another and with the way the mysterious person is talking, Snape is the superior which makes me inclined to believe that Snape told them of Tom's past, not the other way around.
__________________
Harry and a Fallen against the world. Try out this Dresden Crossover only if you don't mind waiting a long while between updates and if you want to see Harry grow into a Badass Motherfucker. FFN|DLP
Riley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-2013, 03:32 PM   #25
Hawkin
Minister for Magic
 
Hawkin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: QC, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,214
I like the story. There are a couple of bad part or weak point, but overall a good read. I still think there's something missing to make it a 5/5 and I think it's mostly because of the writing style. I think it could use some polish, maybe a bit more description, better dialogues some times.

As for the great plan, I think it is possible in a world of magic to conceive and execute one. We need to remember that Snape probably adjusted his plan from time to time depending on Harry's reaction and on Voldemort's action. And as we see at the end of the school year, Harry is starting to see right through it and has decided to take challenge Snape's decisions in his own way.

I'd give it a 4/5. It's fun and engaging, but it still needs some work.
__________________
Hawkin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-2013, 05:44 PM   #26
IdSayWhyNot
Minister for Magic
 
IdSayWhyNot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,280
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Needs a LOT of work, prose-wise. Far too many spelling mistakes as well.

Also, Trow is Dumbledore. You read it here first.
__________________
Your advertising here.
IdSayWhyNot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-2013, 10:24 PM   #27
Longinus
First Year
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Argentina
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 43
 
Chapter 24

"Tell me if you've heard this story before. There was once a practical orphan who lived in an abusive and damaged environment. He grew up hard and cold, distrustful of everyone around him. Upon entrance into Hogwarts, he was hailed as one of the most promising wizards of his generation, potential falling off him in waves. He accomplished tasks far ahead of schedule, easily bypassing most in his year. He was very charismatic, gaining a loyal band of followers that would do anything for him. Tell me, have you heard this story before?"

"What is your point?"

"My point is that you're losing him."

"I am not even close to -"

"He is growing up! Surely you can't be as short sighted as me. He is the beast trying to break from the chains and who do you think he is going to come after when he realizes who put him in the chains in the first place?"


 
Meaning that Snape shouldn't make the same mistake Dumbledore made, letting Riddle become Voldemort. There's no question that it's Dumbedore.

I also think he is Trow, we see him coughing blood a couple of times so he did fight Voldemort, only he didn't scape the fight unscathed.

Either that or Trow is Trow and Dumbledore is a ghost (unfinished business blah blah blah).
Longinus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-2013, 11:01 PM   #28
Relic
High Inquisitor
 
Relic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 501
If Trow is Dumbledore or the other person talking to Snape is Dumbledore I'd be very disappointed as the only way for that to be true is if Dumbledore was extremely out of character. That line of thinking brings up another problem, even if Dumbledore is completely dead and gone: Dumbledore would hate what the school has become and, I find it very unlikely that Snape would disrespect as much as he has by making it so. Snape was Dumbledore's closest confidant - even more so than Harry and unless something went drastically different in this story's timeline it's hard to accept that Snape would behave in this way.

But hey, maybe the author will provide a story/explanation in the next book that would make absolute sense and I'm grasping at straws here.

All in all I enjoyed the story, though I agree with Taure in that the magical combat over-simplified and ignores the versatile nature of magic. But the fights were still fun to read and stories that are able to incorporate that aforementioned versatility of magic in the fights are extremely rare so I won't hold it against the author too much.

All in all I really enjoyed the story, probably would have enjoyed it a bit more if he had a good beta to clean up some of the chapters. Solid 4/5 from me; it belongs in the library.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KwanLi View Post
Thanks for the add and the comments everyone
Like I said above, I think your story would benefit a lot from a beta, or even from the WbA sub. Thanks for the story, enjoyed it!

Last edited by Relic; 05-24-2013 at 11:03 PM.
Relic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2013, 06:42 PM   #29
Howdy
Dark Lord
 
Howdy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: The Playhouse
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,835
I don't know whether to love this story or hate it.

The plot is certainly interesting, but could the author please for the love of God proofread his chapters before posting? The spelling mistakes hit me over and over like a ton of bricks. And not only that, but there are missing words all over the place and words that just plain don't make sense.

The author apparently can't remember what he wrote two chapters previously either. 5 girls and 5 boys per class? Let's see... Potter, Malfoy, Nott, Zabini, Goyle, and Crabbe. Davis, Parkinson, Bulstrode, and Greengrass. This is pretty simple math, unless Crabbe or Goyle is doing a gender-bender and the author didn't bother to tell us. How about Harry knowing where the kitchens are but seeing a house elf at Tracey's house for the first time? The Houses being around more than a century? No kidding. Harry summoning a bag of wands, containing his wand, with his wand?

These are examples I came up with in about 2 minutes. This story could use a beta, but it could also use an author who reads what he has written.

Last edited by Howdy; 05-25-2013 at 07:14 PM.
Howdy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2013, 12:29 AM   #30
Chime
Dark Lord
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Age: 92
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,950
It's magic, of course you can summon a bag of wands containing said wand. I'm surprised that kind of thing doesn't happen more often in fanfiction!
Chime is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2013, 08:07 AM   #31
Panther
Third Year
 
Panther's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Germany
Gender: Male
Posts: 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chime View Post
It's magic, of course you can summon a bag of wands containing said wand. I'm surprised that kind of thing doesn't happen more often in fanfiction!
Please tell me you are joking. In case you weren't, the point was that you can't summon your wand with your wand. Because if you have to summon it, its not in your hand to summon with, you know?

Last edited by Panther; 05-26-2013 at 08:20 AM.
Panther is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2013, 09:46 AM   #32
Stormey
Groundskeeper
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 327
Quote:
Originally Posted by Panther View Post
Please tell me you are joking. In case you weren't, the point was that you can't summon your wand with your wand. Because if you have to summon it, its not in your hand to summon with, you know?
He was joking.
Stormey is offline   Reply With Quote
Thumbs Up 1 Thumb Up
Old 05-26-2013, 01:27 PM   #33
Russano
Disappeared
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 602
Quote:
Originally Posted by Panther View Post
Please tell me you are joking. In case you weren't, the point was that you can't summon your wand with your wand. Because if you have to summon it, its not in your hand to summon with, you know?
I had trouble telling if it was sarcasm too. The way you know is the ! at the end of the sentence instead of a period.
Russano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2013, 04:20 PM   #34
Taure
Death Eater
Magical Cores Are Real
 
Taure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Gender: Male
Posts: 923
DLP Supporter Donor Star
High Score: 13,152
Maybe the wand is both in his hand and not in his hand.

Silly Muggles and their "logic".
__________________

HPATTGH: 1/35 Complete
Taure is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2013, 12:42 AM   #35
Chime
Dark Lord
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Age: 92
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,950
Taure's got it right. You do know that HP's magic system is Rowling's subtle attack on materialism? Kwan Li is exposing the dialtheistic interpretation of truth. Didn't somebody say in the books that if trivialism is defined as the result of accepting a logical explosion, then trivialism is something which contains all things? But then, if you deny trivialism, your denial of trivialism is contained within. Ultimately, you're denying your own denial... Oh wait, I'm talking nonsense again, sorry.

Joking aside, I couldn't get past chapter three. I really wanted to like this, but it just didn't draw me in? It's a lame excuse, I wish I had some better criticism for this, since it seems like it has a tightly-knit plot (some head-scratching errors aside), but I just couldn't force myself to keep reading. Not gonna rate it, since it seems unfair to.

Last edited by Chime; 05-27-2013 at 12:46 AM.
Chime is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2013, 01:14 AM   #36
Anarchy
Prisoner
 
Anarchy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: NJ
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,846
DLP Supporter Donor Star
This story is pretty meh, I'm not seeing what everyone else is seeing, and certainly not a 5/5. I guess what some people see as 'done well', I'm not.
__________________
"Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire."
—Jaya Ballard, task mage
Anarchy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2013, 03:27 AM   #37
Invictus
Heir
 
Invictus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Cidade Maravilhosa
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,531
I like the story. Enganging plot, Harry and Blaise are interisting, and one of the rare fics I liked Lupin. I strongly dislike Hermione, and she and Tracey had both a big problem. Blank, no matter how much you inform us of Hermione awesomeness I saw little to justify her "reputation". The best part for me were the dialogues, they were fun, dramatic, fluid and great overall.

My main critics are how Hermione and Tracey are boring and the syuoidity of Snape's plan. Really, it's a train wreck and a cliche one. If you are planing to do a H/Hr pairing you need to do serious work on her. I give it 4/5, since the Battle Classes are really fun to read.
Invictus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2013, 09:26 AM   #38
Averis
Fourth Year
Don of Delivery
 
Averis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 139
High Score: 3,065
What I liked about Hermione's character was the slow progression from smart enigma, closed off to the world, to the sequence at the end of the train ride where it seemed like Harry and Hermione didn't want to separate from each other. Then she did something to show she was truly Harry's friend.

I think Kwan does a solid job with her character, though I can understand why some won't like her.
__________________
warbledywarpswark
Averis is offline   Reply With Quote
Thumbs Up 1 Thumb Up
Old 05-27-2013, 04:08 PM   #39
Varios
Third Year
 
Varios's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 86
The scenes with Snape and the other 'mystery' chap reminded me so much of the opening to the first Deus Ex.
__________________
I have no enemies, merely topographis of ignorance.
Varios is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2013, 05:46 PM   #40
Aurion
Headmaster
 
Aurion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: North Carolina
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,176
The premise of the story, the whole idea... is utter rubbish.

I just can't get past that. It colors pretty much everything in the story, since all the characters are acting in accordance with that.

Just... not seeing it. The writing is good in a lot of spots, but the dueling itself is kind of meh and as previously stated the overarching story just does nothing for me. 3/5. Not bad per se, but a long way from great.
__________________
Let us tell the story of a certain man. The tale of a man who, more than anyone else, believed in his ideals, and by them was driven into despair.
Aurion is offline   Reply With Quote

Tags
author: kwan li, author:kwan li, slytherin!harry


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Mini Mafia #1 - The Battle of Hogwarts Eidolonic Little Italy 347 09-04-2012 01:27 AM
Complete - The Other Boy Who Lived by Kwan Li - M DarkAizen The Alternates 68 06-20-2012 03:51 AM
Population of Magical Britain - surely Hogwarts can't be the only British School? jibrilmudo General Discussion 149 03-29-2012 03:20 AM
My Name is Harry Potter by Kwan Li - M Lord Ravenclaw Almost Recommended 25 07-22-2009 06:22 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:44 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright ©2005 - 2016 DLP Group. All rights reserved.
No personal intellectual property on this site may be used without the credit and express permission of the respective authors.