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Old 09-07-2014, 03:31 PM   #1
shadowcircle
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Upcoming Fantasy Series - Secrets of the Rainbow Bridge

Hello!

A little shameless self promotion (Oz said it was ok to post this here).

Anyways, I'm running a crowd funding campaign for my fantasy series in a the next week or so. My social network is small, so I thought Harry Potter people might love my series.

Here is the blurb:
"The Light is quickly vanishing in the Otherworld of elves and faeries. As the old and new ways struggle against each other, little hope of reconciliation remains. Fealty to technology usurps the miracle of nature, but at a terrible cost no one fully understands. Yet, with the coming of the year between the ages – the Liminal year – a new hero will embark upon en epic adventure to discover the truth of his own Nature and heal the realm."

Here is a painting of one of the characters:


If you are interested please visit my website http://www.sotrb.com, and we will keep you updated when our campaign goes live. If you want to see more artwork we have it on Pinterest, Facebook, and Twitter:
https://www.facebook.com/SOTRBridge
https://twitter.com/SOTRB
http://www.pinterest.com/SOTRB/

Thank You!
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Old 09-07-2014, 03:42 PM   #2
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Were you planning on including some sample chapters in the crowdfunding campaign? Because in all honesty, your summary smells a bit like generic high fantasy. A look into your hero's head and/or your world in context would be a great help in hooking backers, in my opinion.
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Old 09-07-2014, 03:44 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Menace View Post
Were you planning on including some sample chapters in the crowdfunding campaign? Because in all honesty, your summary smells a bit like generic high fantasy. A look into your hero's head and/or your world in context would be a great help in hooking backers, in my opinion.
Yes there will be a 90k word sample available!
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Old 09-19-2014, 08:06 PM   #4
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Hey Everyone,

We've got our crowdfunding campaign live:

http://igg.me/at/sotrb/x/8285608

There's ten sample chapters available in PDF, MOBI, or EPUB formats. If you like the sample please pledge, and share the link!

Thanks!
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Old 09-21-2014, 02:01 PM   #5
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My first thought was that your blurb is shit, but I went on and read some of the sample anyway. Your prose is clumsy and cluttered with adjectives like rats in a sewer. It needs some extreme editing. The syntax of your writing is terrible, and I couldn't get past a few chapters without abandoning it.

From the looks of the website, you've put a fair bit of effort into this, so I hope you find some success, but you really should have edited the work before putting it up as a sample. This sample should be encouraging people to support your work, not turning them away.

Perhaps the plot could be good in time. I can't say. But you need to work a lot on what you've already written, not just write further into the story.

Best of luck.
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Old 09-21-2014, 06:07 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by CareOtters View Post
My first thought was that your blurb is shit, but I went on and read some of the sample anyway. Your prose is clumsy and cluttered with adjectives like rats in a sewer. It needs some extreme editing. The syntax of your writing is terrible, and I couldn't get past a few chapters without abandoning it.

From the looks of the website, you've put a fair bit of effort into this, so I hope you find some success, but you really should have edited the work before putting it up as a sample. This sample should be encouraging people to support your work, not turning them away.

Perhaps the plot could be good in time. I can't say. But you need to work a lot on what you've already written, not just write further into the story.

Best of luck.
It's not that it wasn't edited well - you obviously don't care for the style.

Opinion is subjective, but thanks for being callus anyway.

;-)
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Old 09-21-2014, 06:27 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by shadowcircle View Post
It's not that it wasn't edited well - you obviously don't care for the style.

Opinion is subjective, but thanks for being callus anyway.

;-)
Are you kidding me? Learn to deal with criticism like a fucking adult or gtfo.
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Old 09-21-2014, 07:07 PM   #8
shadowcircle
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Are you kidding me? Learn to deal with criticism like a fucking adult or gtfo.
I will learn to deal with criticism like an adult when I'm given criticism like an adult ;-)

Here this will help everyone:

http://www.wikihow.com/Criticize-Constructively

Cheers guys I'm going to go talk to someone right now who says they love it.
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Old 09-21-2014, 07:15 PM   #9
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...don't let the door hit you on the way out I guess?

I've no doubt you'll find someone who loves your story. Enjoy mediocrity.
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Old 09-21-2014, 08:28 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowcircle View Post
It's not that it wasn't edited well - you obviously don't care for the style.

Opinion is subjective, but thanks for being callus anyway.

;-)
There is more to editing than spellcheck.
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Old 09-21-2014, 08:43 PM   #11
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Cheers guys I'm going to go talk to someone right now who says they love it.
Oh man, guess we all better jump on that one man bandwagon, else we might feel left out.

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Old 09-29-2014, 03:04 AM   #12
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Whoa there, he has eight funders on his fundraising site. That bandwagons looking pretty big now huh?
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Old 09-29-2014, 03:17 AM   #13
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Was going to read it, but honestly the poor summary did nothing to draw me in that it would be worth reading. That in addition to Careotter's 'review' turned me off.

I might have been more willing to try it if you had more than 9 posts to your name here on this site. I get that this is shameless self-promotion; however just joining a site to promote is kinda poor class. Also, if you had been here on DLP for any amount of time then you would know that CareOtter's review was fairly tame by comparison to some. He called you out on poor work and gave constructive criticism.

Honestly feels more like a troll post if not for the time and effort on the crowdfunding...
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Old 10-01-2014, 05:50 AM   #14
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@shadowcircle - I don't think DLP is for you. CareOtters wasn't rude so much as he was blunt, which is encouraged here as much as writers are encouraged to develop thick skin. It's true that he didn't copy/paste specific parts of your prose to comment on and critique, but his critique was constructive more than inflammatory.

Regardless your statement that "It's not that it wasn't edited well - you obviously don't care for the style" is flat out ridiculous. You've got one hell of an ego on you, which is rarely conductive to accepting criticism even when it's sugar coated. The (hopefully sarcastic) statement about going to talk to someone who loves it just emphasizes this. And if your best source for "how to provide constructive criticism" is Wikihow, then... yeah, no.

At any rate, while your story summary doesn't sound like something I'd pick up, there were aspects to it that I did find interesting. For example, "...the dichotomy between the Elven steampunk (which we call Steamway) civilization, and the traditional Faery civilization..." grabbed my interest. It's the reason I decided to open the PDF, because while there is a ton of generic fantasy out there (like your summary sounds like), there is a lot less being done creatively with steampunk in an otherwise fantasy setting. It's something I've done a few scribbles for myself in terms of writing.

I agree with CareOtters regarding the writing itself though. I skimmed the prologue in italics because it didn't hold my interest, but then I often struggle through those in books so that's possibly me and not you.

But when we get to chapter 1 the first thing I noticed is the passive voice. "Was" is used more often than I'd consider wise, since it was often enough that I started noticing it instead of reading.

You also do a lot of telling instead of showing. Example:
Quote:
He loved sleeping in his bed, which was a mattress stuffed with buckwheat hulls, covered with soft cotton, and set inside a sturdy frame of polished wood. Water Faeries in the hamlet of Deuona all slept in oval shaped beds, which were placed in just the right spot, and raised just the right height above the floors of their bedrooms.
That's a classic example of 'telling' instead of 'showing' I think. You're telling me that he loves his bed, and then telling me all about the bed. If you were going to 'show' it instead, you could say something like: "Baudwin burrowed into his buckwheat stuffed mattress, throwing the soft sheets over his head and yawning. Someone had tampered with the positioning of his bed without his notice, and it no longer sat at the perfect position for optimal air flow."

Yes, my version sounds stupid. I wrote it in about 10 seconds. But I'm trying to show the difference in telling versus showing. I might have failed, but I tried to imply the bit about beds being set in "ideal" spots by having had someone tamper with his, which has disrupted his sleep, which is why we are having detailed commentary about the bed in the first place.

Quote:
“No work today,” Baudwin said to himself as he yawned and snuggled a bit more under the covers. Then, he began to think about what he was going to wear that day.

On the same wall to the left of his dresser was an armoire made of red oak with rounded corners, mirrored double doors, and brass handles shaped into waves of water, which had been in his family for generations, and therefore had to be at least several thousand years old. Inside, Baudwin stored his finest regalia for special occasions, including shirts with billowy sleeves, lacy cravats, finely tailored breeches, velvet and brocade vests with jewel buttons, pointed shoes, and canvas knee boots, which laced up the front with uckles on the sides. He also kept an array of caps with many kinds of decorations including feathers, and carved stones set in copper, silver, or gold.
Do I need to know any of that right now? I mean it's fine that he has a dresser like that that contains all of those things, but right now it just seems to be slowing the story down. The protagonist is still in bed and it's not like he's doing anything interesting there.

Quote:
You see, not every glow stone was of the same color or quality. Glow stones, which were mined by the Elves deep within the caverns of the earth, came in every color of the rainbow, and then some. After being cut and polished, each one radiated a resplendent color, infused with light. When Elves or Faeries touched them, they shined even more brightly. Elves and Faeries alike used glow stones, both in their homes and at their places of business. Outdoors, they sometimes put them in various places to warn of certain dangers, but for the most part, they used them for decorations and celebrations.
More telling instead of showing. Again the idea of glowstones is fine, but so far glowstones haven't mattered for anything, so I'd rather get on with the story and get information about glowstones as we go and as it becomes important.

There's other things too, but I don't want to spend a lot of time on critique when your attitude is as bad as it is and you don't seem receptive anyway.

TL;DR Your writing isn't atrociously horrible, but if you think that your story is heavily edited then I'm not sure we have the same definition of "heavy editing." I'm not interested in continuing, sorry, and good luck.
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:44 AM   #15
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When I try to help someone with their writing, I'm always eager to tell them where I think their story needs work, and I forget to tell them what I actually like about their writing. Well, I'm working on it.

Even though you've committed the grave sin of using the phrase "myriad of" (one of my many pet peeves), I will say that the overall theme and feel of the story seems pretty solid for a children's fantasy series. There's nothing remotely dark that I have seen, just a few drawings of characters with slightly mysterious motivations. Admittedly, though, I haven't gotten very far into the sample.

However, that clashes with the proposed length of the novel. You have a 90,000 word sample, but that should be the length of the entire thing. In fact, that's already too long. The main reason your story is so long is probably plot-related (I'm guessing), but you also use too many words to say things. Should you really use words like charmeuse if you're just going to define it in the next clause? There are paragraphs of description of glow stones scattered throughout the beginning, and a later one actually sort of contradict earlier ones. One of the first things we find out about them is that they are precious to elves and faeries, but later on we find out they are actually rather plentiful.

Another general issue I see is pretty typical in fanfiction: you have these great ideas for the world and you want to share them with readers as soon as possible. Do it wrong, though, and you're just dumping info on the reader instead of doing proper world-building. Seamus comes to grab a couple glow stones from Baudwin, but they end up taking a long tour of his room, where he shows off a bunch of his Steamway toys and pieces of art, and eventually Seamus just leaves without mentioning what he came for.

Also, I am very far from a poet so I could be wrong, but the poem at the beginning doesn't seem very good:

Quote:
They wanted Summer never to end
They were waking up to dying
As Autumn tossed her tawny head
They could feel their spirits crying
I sort of expected the second line to continue or something, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense on its own.

Anyway, that's all I've got. You've got some awesome artwork and a pretty solid general plan, but the execution needs some work in my opinion. Good luck!
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