Title: Something Unforgivable
Author: Bleedndreamz
Rating: M
Genre: Romance/Drama
DLP Category: Dark Arts/Independent
Pairing: Harry/Daphne
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,946
Updated: May 11, 2011
Published: April 29, 2011
Status: Abandoned
Summary: Around the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Harry is left alone to face off against the unknown tasks. Harry is left with the option of facing his trials alone, or accepting help from an unlikely Slytherin individual that wants him to do Something Unforgivable.

Probably still too early to give a proper review, but it is off to an interesting and fairly unique start. Daphne's personality, in particular, seems to be well done.

4.5/5 for now.


Checked by Minion, June 9, 2013

 

Link maybe?

 

Is there any reason I should continue reading past the point where Daphne starts randomly touching him?

 

I'll go ahead and get the obvious out of the way. Too early to rate.

That said. Time skip? No. All-knowing-Daphne? No. Harry being completely and utterly alone to further the plot was a bit of a stretch. Him being blindsided by Daphne's beauty was also a but much.

So the plot is stretched and at times flimsy, though the author says it will not employ the worst of the cliches. A nice list at the bottom, too.

TBH, I never made it to the second chapter. For those that wank to Harry/Daphne, this will probably be a nice guilty pleasure for you. For those that enjoy such stories with the sentence structure and the like readable, this story is like that. For that alone I would rate it 3/5, because it is pretty decent writing.

But, it's too soon, and I don't think I'll be following it.

 

3.5/5

Of course, as the above poster has mentioned, it's also very early. There are a couple problems I can point out with ease, such as clunky dialogue and seemingly flimsy characterizations, but these are both things which could improve with time and a bit more writing experience.

I'll likely follow this for a few more chapters to see if it improves. If it does so it could come to make the cut without too much trouble.

 

4/5

Though it would be good to have bigger chapters. And mostly what Sesc said

 

I agree with Sesc. I will also punch Roma in the ovaries if reccing this fic too soon kills any shot of it getting into the library. 4/5, Moar Daphne nao.

 

The writing is nothing special, and there are a number of errors in grammar; in particular, I am annoyed that the author is incapable of distinguishing your and you're. Simple stuff.

They also seem to have problems with understanding how to use commas. Making mistakes like this. Whether it is a case of the author making typos or simply a lack of basic grammar, I don't know. However. It is annoying.

With regards to the story itself: I am a sucker for Harry/ Daphne fics. I like this Daphne so far -the lack of cliche!Ice Queen is refreshing, and I am intrigued as to her motives - but the characters will need to be written in much more depth before I can begin to give a real analysis on that front. At the rate at which the author is passing the time in the fic, however, I'm not sure we're going to get to see many different sides to the characters. It feels as if there are scenes missing unneccessarily - why skip scenes such as the one where

Spoiler

Daphne tires to convince him to use the Killing Curse?

It's no doubt an important scene, and we, the readers, are not going to get the maximum from the story if all the author shows are two lines of italicised text.

I'm jus' sayin'.

At this point, it is a little early to rate. In case what I've written above hasn't made it clear, I'm not overly enamoured with this fic, and I doubt the situation will improve.

3/5 at this point, for at least holding my interest until the end of the second chapter. This can rise or fall by a full point depending on where the author takes it next and whether the writing itself improves or not.

EDIT: Here is a copy of my review on ff.net:

I also left a brief note at the end of chapter one about your/you're and commas.

 

Didn't realise the first scene was just one day before the first task - fail on my part.

However, I think the point about the missing scenes still stands, chiefly because it is such a leap from canon. I mean, we here at DLP are all fairly used to Harry throwing round the Unforgivables by now, but, in my opinion, that doesn't mean you can simply jump to that point without some fairly major, justified character adjustment. And I like to see it justified by more than a few lines saying his friends left him and some new grey Slytherin turned up to instruct him.

 

Time skip equals scene skip. A scene in which a completely hot stranger tries to convince Harry to use a spell that killed his parents and nearly killed him. I'm sorry, just no. On top of that, that scene should have been there, because that is the moment where Canon!Harry would have slowly diverged into what the author wanted. It would have been the crux of their relationship together. Her slowly leading him where ever she wanted him to go.

Instead, it is glossed over.

Also, imagine a puppy abandoned on the street, being taken in by a stranger because the stranger rubbed it's tummy and fed it.

I don't like Harry being a puppy so easily swayed. The school may have been against him, but there were others he could have gone to for help. The Weasley Twins maybe? A random hot stranger? Meh.

That is just one example.

Another was how Daphne has all the answers he needs. The rules just conveniently spoon fed to Harry. I can see that because she wanted him to succeed, but the rules of the tournament trumping Ministry law? Too much of a stretch for me.

Ahem...

All this being said, for those hoping this does make it farther, not abandoned, there is hope. Dude has written a lot in the the Naruto fandom it seems and a lot of those appear to be decent lengths. I might look into this again in a few thousand words, because problems with plot aside, it is written pretty decently.

Also, Sesc....I <3 Daphne, too, just not enough to bump up a score for her.

 

What's with those randomly italized paragraphs in Chapter 1? Other than that, it's a decent start, but nothing more. What intrigued me particularly is that the author made Harry the only one to not know about the dragons.

 

This fic is fairly bad to be fair. The most grating thing being the whole "Killing curse used by farmers DURRRRRRRRRRRR" bit.

 

2/5

I like Harry/Daphne as much as the next guy but there's a number of things stopping me from actually liking this story.

The main thing that's killing any enjoyment possible from this story is this guy's writing style. It's already been mentioned that the author skips over some fairly important scenes with nothing more than an italicized sentence or two. You know how the Golden Rule of Exposition is Show, Don't Tell? Well, in this case it seems as if the author only understands this in a basic sense; he just doesn't give the reader much information at all about these important plot points.

There are so many places that he should have placed commas to make the story flow better. Misuses of "your" and "you're" also pepper the story with an alarming regularity.

To be blunt, the dialogue is bad. It's not the worse I've ever seen and it's definitely better than most stories on FF.net but it's still pretty bad. It's really stilted and feels very forced. You know there's something wrong with the way the characters speak in a story when you have gems like this:

and

:facepalm


I have to give the author some props for creating a premise interesting enough that I managed to ignore the grammar problems and the story flow issues to finish both chapters.

As it does not appear that author will deal with grammar, spelling, and story flow issues that make it extremely difficult to read, I'm giving this a 2/5.


P.S.

This paragraph keeps hurting my brain.

So the "theory crafters" could never block the deadliest of curses?

:facepalm

 

I like HP/DG as much as the next guy, so I went and read both chapters and was disappointed.

Ninjacom outlines my main problems with the story. Dialogue is really shitty, Daphne's bizarre interest in Harry for no currently discernible reason, her being all touchy-feely, etc. all add up to a messy pile of meh.

 

That was geared more towards Vlad than yourself, considering he did. And, if memory serves, I think you hold a special place in your heart for her. A disposition to a pairing, which is where I got the wank from. Sorry if I think people have a certain weakness for a pairing.

Mine is Harry/Luna.

When did I say all that? When I used slowly too much, maybe? The author has already stated that he would change Harry overtime, which is where I got slowly from.

On the story. They meet, she offers him help. Behind the scenes Harry willingly learns the Killing Curse, all the while saying the cost is too high. The next day they continue their conversation from the day before and Harry is forced to use the curse.

We are expected as readers to see his loneliness in the first part and thus feel his desperation because he has no friends. What doesn't work for me, is why is he learning a dark spell, if he has no reason to use it(Why didn't he seek help from Sirius? Why not look up something? I think it would have made the story stronger to see Daphne use her cunning to slowly strike down each of his ideas.) I see this training scene missing, which I'm guessing would include a lot of persuasion on Daphne's part and a lot reluctance on Harry's.

So no, I'm wanting some 100,000 long story of training and whatnot. Just a scene where the original tension between Daphne and Harry is shown. The story is going to be about them, so why have it excluded? If one such scene is missing now, what others will be glossed over?

This is something I agree with completely. Making me wonder if the author did it intentionally for maybe a later reveal? I'm pessimistic on that, though. Which is another reason why the story fails for me, because it would have made more sense to use that.

EDIT:

To be honest, that part of the fic actually intrigued me somewhat. The fact that I didn't know what her intentions were. So often they're completely spelled out.

 

And half the time she's interested in him because he's Harry Potter with all that implies, but she never decides to seek him out in her First Year, only when they're at a proper age for a romance to start.