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Oneshot A Crime Fitting the Punishment or Dumbledore's Monster by diresquirrel - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Atlas, Feb 17, 2018.

  1. Atlas

    Atlas First Year

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    Title: A Crime Fitting the Punishment or Dumbledore's Monster
    Author: diresquirrel
    Rating: M
    Genre: Drama/Horror
    Status: Completed (12k words)
    Library Category: Dark arts
    Pairings:-
    Summary: Albus Dumbledore gets an unexpected visitor in his office one late summer night. The Headmaster finds himself talking to a monster he never knew could arise from his actions. Darkish.
    Link:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8854828

    Soooooooo.....

    This is an awesome little oneshot I found today, and I couldn't find it in the library, so here I am.

    The premise basically is, Harry Potter goes back in time and has a good conversation with Dumbledore after he has done 'some' things. It's a timetravel story done well in my opinion. The charactarization of Harry is simply superb, I love the touch of insanity that he has.

    I love the narrative that the writer is trying to portray, Especially the reflections to Dumbledore. And the ending leaves you thinking.

    Spelling and grammar looks excellent to me (keep in mind that English is not my first language).

    I give it a solid 4/5

    I hope I put it up for review correctly.
     
  2. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Almost. There's an unspoken -and often quite spoken- rule about only putting up stories for review if they're not utter garbage.
     
  3. Atlas

    Atlas First Year

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    Ouch that hurts, If more people find it garbage please put the thread in the recycle bin (or delete it), and I apologize for putting this thread up

    I liked it though:(

    Could you please elaborate on why it's bad? It could be that I missed something


    *proceeds to throw myself out of my building for my bad taste in writing
     
  4. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen Prestige DLP Supporter

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    There's nowhere specifically to begin. The whole thing is not salvageable. It has the dryest, least emotive writing. Employs the worst telling instead of showing. Butchers the characterization of everyone involved. Uses the worst tropes in the worst and in the least imaginative ways.

    There's not a single saving grace to it beyond the fact that it's written in English, technically.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2018
  5. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    Yeah, there's nothing of substance in this one. Lazy Ron, misspelled Deloris runs Auchswitz, purebloods rule all post-Voldemort, Harry is a massive edgelord. From one bad trope to the next. This is atrocious.

    1/5
     
  6. Donimo

    Donimo Seventh Year

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    This would've been very popular 10 years ago.
     
  7. Puzzled

    Puzzled High Inquisitor

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    Diresquirrel has written some very fun things, Harry's Island Home is a particular favorite, but this isn't really one of them.
     
  8. TRH

    TRH Seventh Year

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    Draco664 did this kind of story better with The End. This isn't paced or voiced properly, and is so casual about its grimdarkness as to be completely tedious. If you want to repulse the reader, you need to give things weight. Just saying, "I'm like Frankenstein's Monster" is too on the nose and pretentious. 1/5 sounds about right.
     
  9. KingRoger

    KingRoger Second Year

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    “She was a caricature of a person I once knew, kind of like those exaggerated images you see in political cartoons but with less personality.”

    Translated: “She was a caricature of a person I once knew, kind of like a caricature.”

    It’s fics like this that make we wish DLP had a “so bad it’s good” category.
    1/5, obviously.
     
  10. Armani

    Armani Second Year

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    This story's pace is very rocky and unstable, and while some parts are okay, the rest is dry and I had to push myself to finish it to post this review. This fic uses too many old tropes and clichés to actually be something amazing or groundbreaking. The misspelling of many character names, such as "Grayback" and "Deloris" are also a put off and shows that the author put no time and effort into seeing whether or not he/she was actually spelling the character's name correctly. 1/5
     
  11. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS" is truly HP fanfic's "I did naat hit her, I did naaaht".

    Also 30Hs.
     
  12. Jester

    Jester Seventh Year DLP Supporter

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    Ok. So the intent of this would be mildly interesting if written well. I feel like I've read much better versions of this story.

    1/5
     
  13. DarthBill

    DarthBill Dark Lord

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    Wow, harsh.

    This does not seem nearly as bad as you are all making it out to be. I mean, yeah, it isn't super original, but we've had like fifteen years and literally millions of stories of Harry Potter fanfiction at this point. I feel like originality is too much to expect. Besides, it isn't exactly a new story. It was published in 2012.

    It kept me interested enough to read the whole thing, and I enjoyed doing so.

    4/5
     
  14. stayintheloop

    stayintheloop First Year

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    I mostly agree. In the beginning I was quite engaged; the meaning of the title is explained half-way through the story. While I agree that the characterizations of Hermoine and Ron are sorely lacking, I find the story offers an interesting alternative perspective on who Harry might become as an adult. This being said, the story really dragged on much longer than it should have. In addition, I found the ending really predictable. Had the story been cut in half, it would have scored a respectable 3.5/5

    Unfortunately, as it is now, it will score no higher then 2/5 at best.
     
  15. coolname95

    coolname95 First Year

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    I was unable to get through it because I cut myself on the edginess of Harry. 1.5/5, because at least the grammar wasn't terrible.
     
  16. Horton

    Horton First Year

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    Edgelord Harry? Yehhh, I like a good dark Harry, but this is bland.

    2/5, somewhat amusing I guess and readable, which saves it from a 1 star rating.
     
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