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Accio Brain! by KafkaExMachina - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by The Doctor, Apr 19, 2008.

  1. The Doctor

    The Doctor Unspeakable

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
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    Title: Accio Brain!
    Author: KafkaExMachina
    Rating: M
    Genre: Parody/Humour
    DLP Category: Humour/Parody
    Pairing: Generally H/Hr
    Status: WIP
    Summary: and other moments of sheer brilliance. A collection of drabbles, omake, and half-baked story ideas bouncing around my head. Rated M for manure.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4100615/1/Accio_Brain

    I've been refraining from posting this, as saying "KafkaExMachina is a Harmonian" is like saying "Adolf Hitler isn't particularly fond of the Jews". Even if I found it amusing, it was certain the rest of you wouldn't.

    But the last chapter out is pure, unadulterated win. Here's Sirius' will;

    “And finally, to my shit-for-brains godson, I leave this final message: ‘Hey, pup, guess what? You didn’t kill me! In fact, I’M NOT DEAD BITCH! That’s right! This entire thing is a SCAM! HAH! FUCK YOU ALL!’ Now, since I know a certain senile old cocksucker didn’t let his precious little toy out of the box, I just wanted to let you stupid fucks know that guess what? I’m on to you! That’s right, you fucking walking pecker, I know what you planned all along, and now that your dumb arses think I’m dead, I’ve stolen your precious Potter out from under your pointy little noses. It’s sad, but with the exception of.. well… nobody in this room, you are all a bunch of stuck-up little shits who betrayed my godson. Yeah, Remus, you fucked up, and you fucked up hard. You know what that means. Deal. To the Weasleys… look, Gred, Forge… okay, you aren’t so bad. Maybe you’ll figure it out. Bill and Charlie don’t count, and they aren’t here. Ron? You could have been a contender, you could have been somebody. But you fucked up but good Fourth year, and unlike my godson, I don’t forgive, and I NEVER forget. Ginny, give it up. Harry isn’t a fucking hero, he’s a kid life shat all over. You don’t love him, you never loved him, and frankly you aren’t worthy of liking his asshole after he picked up a case of the trots. Go find some other sucker to fuck over. Mrs. Weasley, I have three words: ‘Give. Me. Head.’ God DAMN you are a BITCH. Merlin lady, didn’t you ever wonder WHY every single FUCKING child you ever had RAN LIKE A BITCH away from you? Arthur, grow some FUCKING balls and BITCH SLAP HER DOWN! Merlin man, you are a pussy. And finally I come to Hermione… man, girl, I really thought you might actually be worth of my godson, but no, you are too fucking stuck on your rules and your obsessive fucking desire to give The Man a rim job. Fuck, didn’t you ever pause for a second and think: ‘Hmmm… Snape is a colostomy bag… maybe there’s something wrong here.’? No, instead you just nagged and bitched and made my poor godson’s life harder. Frankly, if you really are his friend, you’d know where to go. Well, that’s all folks, go fuck yourselves!”

    And the H/Hr:

    Sirius shrugged. “Fine… but you’ll have to prove your devotion to Harry by passing the Test of Loyalty.” Remus blanched.

    “Sirius…” The werewolf said.

    “No. She bollixed up earlier, and now she’s got to pass the test.” Sirius said flatly. Remus sighed in resignation.

    “Fine,” he replied.

    “Whatever it takes,” Hermione pledged, “so what do I have to do?”

    “Suck Harry’s dick.” Sirius answered flatly.

    5/5

    Edit: If that's not enough, may I tempt you with Harry Potter/Full Metal Jacket?

    “I suppose we have a pair of volunteers to show you exactly what happens if you don’t listen to me. Weasley, Draco, front and center,” Gunny ordered. Nervously Ron and Draco approached the front of the room. With a wave of his wand, Gunny wordlessly conjured a pile of large white rocks as tall as Ron and as wide as Goyle. He glared at the pair. “I don’t like where this stack of rocks is. Move them to the other side of the room. Oh, and before I forget, give me your wands.” Wide eyed, Ron and Draco complied. “Oh, and every time one of you boys fucks up, I’m going to add more rocks. Now MOVE!”

    Cursing under their breath, Ron and Draco began lifting rocks in tandem and moving them to the other side of the hall. “FASTER YOU LAZY MAGGOTS!” Gunny ordered. They tried to run while carrying the rock, but only managed to drop it. The pile doubled in size. “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THAT? I’VE SEEN BETTER COORDINATION BETWEEN TWO DRUNK FAIRIES DRY-HUMPING EACH OTHER!”
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2008
  2. CaptainG

    CaptainG Third Year

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2006
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    I read it.
    I didn't particularly enjoy it.
    When he hits it right, he does it very well, and i was chuckling away merrily.
    However, far too often he fails and makes for a shit thing. Of the 10 or so drabbles, only 3 or 4 were good

    2.5/5
     
  3. the13thdragon

    the13thdragon Raptured to Hell

    Joined:
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    Wales
    I will admit that Sirius's will was brilliant and original, the rest of the story however is awful but then I hate Hermione altogether so my opinion is likely a littlie bias.
     
  4. The Doctor

    The Doctor Unspeakable

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    Yeah, that's why I hesitated in posting it.
     
  5. dre

    dre Squib

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    I loved most of the chapters, the SPHEW ones were funny, and the one about Sirius' will was hailarious.
    As for a rating, some of the chapters deserves 5\5, but some are 3\5, so I'll give it a 4\5.
     
  6. fuubar

    fuubar Headmaster

    Joined:
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    It has its moments of pure win and its moments of total fail. It's good for a few lulz and a pleasant enough way to kill 20 minutes. 3.5/5
     
  7. MonCappy

    MonCappy Fifth Year

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2007
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    I thought the will reading one was awesome. The fake out with his death and his pretty much telling everyone off was quite amusing. The author mentioned possibly expanding the Full Metal Hogwarts concept in the future. While I think they make for some amusing one-shots (I think there are two of them), I don't think the concept would have legs as a full length story.
     
  8. Sledgehammer

    Sledgehammer Second Year

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Around Vancouver with the pinko freaks.
    I give it 3 1/2 rounded up for the Full Metal Hogwarts chapters. That'll most likely be getting a five-star review from me when he spplits that off from Accio Brain.
     
  9. MrINBN

    MrINBN Unspeakable

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    I'd say a 3/5 total. A couple of the stories really were not funny, but others made me laugh a LONG time. My favorite was Full Metal Hogwarts.
     
  10. carvell

    carvell Professor DLP Supporter

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    You have got to write Full Metal Hogwarts, i havent laughed do much for age's the possibilities are endless, 5/5 for the FMH part's the rest were ok not great but ok.

    3.5/5 overall
     
  11. Warlocke

    Warlocke Prisoner

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    I was amused.

    Then again, I'm a Harmonian sympathizer. :)
     
  12. Aekiel

    Aekiel Angle of Mispeling Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I liked the third chapter and Full Metal Hogwarts, otherwise it was pretty average. 3/5 for me.
     
  13. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    FMH was definatly worth reading, but I think that the SPEHW Had some definite potential too. The first two were rather crap though.

    Edit: Just finished the last one... the Omake were... {Shudders in Revulsion} ... Er... the rest of it was worth reading though.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2008
  14. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

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    Accio Brain by KafkaExMachina

    Title: Accio Brain!
    Author: KafkaExMachina
    Rating: T
    Genre: Parody
    DLP Category: Humor/parody
    Pairing: Prepubescent children AHOY!
    Status: In Progress
    Summary: This may offend some people, probably far more than anything else I’ve written, but I’d like to think that people literate enough to read my stories possess the ability to take them with a grain (many) of salt. The humanistic/religious philosophies are not my own, rather they belong to the estate of A.S. LaVey et. al. No, Virginia, they don’t actually believe in the Judeo-Christian concept of Satan. They just pretend too because they like to see your knickers in a twist. Oh, and there’s mention of Vernon Dursley getting laid. Sorry. Just… think about puppies.

    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4100615/11/Accio_Brain

    I started this on Chapter 11 because that's the only bit worth reading. Satanist!Harry FTW! Generally Kafka is one of the authors I consider a retard but I stumbled on this and upgraded it to moron. The 2 chapters he has up are lulzy as hell and I'll rate them, and only them, a 4/5.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2008
  15. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

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    I have to agree. 11 and 12 were fucking hilarious. I was laughing so much I was coughing (I got the coughs). Can't wait for more of it if it's going to be this good continually.
     
  16. Krogan

    Krogan Alien in a Hat Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Normally I can't stand anything with Harry/Vernon paternal bonding but the whole Satanist thing was just lulzy as fuck. I hope he writes more of this. 4/5
     
  17. Bukay

    Bukay Professor DLP Supporter

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    QFT. I wonder what would be Dumbledore's reaction to satanist!harry... or Snape's... much potential lulz here :)
     
  18. Tehan

    Tehan Avatar of Khorne DLP Supporter

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    Now I'm thinking about Vernon having sex with puppies. Everything is ruined forever.
     
  19. thapagan

    thapagan High Inquisitor

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    Just one of those wacky ideas that works.
     
  20. 007_rock

    007_rock DA Member

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    Fucking great....... But did anyone bother trying the first ten chapters??? I only read 11 and 12.... Any idea if it worth reading through?

    As for last two.... loved the terrific new idea of Satanist Harry... Never seen that before....

    4/5