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Complete Betrayal by butalearner - M

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by Photon, Aug 10, 2013.

  1. Photon

    Photon Order Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    838
    Location:
    Poland
    Title: Betrayal
    Author: butalearner
    Rating: M
    Genre: Drama
    Status: Complete
    Library Category: Dark Arts
    Pairings: "Harry/Daphne relationship (such as it is)"
    Summary: "Winner of the DLP February 2013 Apocalyptic/Dystopian Fiction Contest! Attempting to hold the trio together, Hermione grabs Ron just before he Apparates, accidentally abandoning Harry on the Horcrux hunt. Four years later, Harry is a changed man."
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9095016/1/

    Unfortunately "it kind of reads like I cherry-picked a few chapters from a novel, smushed them together, and called it done." from final AN is true, but IMHO it still is 4/5.

    Contest forum: https://forums.darklordpotter.net/forumdisplay.php?f=142
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2013
  2. Lyrium

    Lyrium Sent Back to India

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2013
    Messages:
    409
    I enjoyed this story even though it does feel a bit short and quick. There is no real pairing, perhaps a hinting of one at best.

    I did like how each chapter was told from a different perspective although the voices were remarkably similar. Blaise and Pettigrew's chapters were the most effective to me in terms of story.

    The effect of the horcrux on Harry went a long way to explain his behavior but the removal of the necklace (too easily it seems and was it even destroyed?) was completly rushed and the consequences glossed over.

    Writing was excellent throughout. Lots of interesting stuff hinted at (Draco and Luna, Hermione's capture) that was off screen.
     
  3. melior

    melior Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2011
    Messages:
    226
    I'm surprised you liked Pettigrew's PoV, which I thought was the weakest. Though I guess the climax (such as it is) is there, and I tried to improve it a bit in the FFnet version. Blaise's PoV was my favorite.

    Also, you didn't miss much: Slytherin's locket was not destroyed, nor were the other Horcruxes from DH. Daphne's chapter tried to show the only effect of separating Harry from it: a very slow improvement in his demeanor, allowing him to eventually trust Daphne to help patch him up.

    I know the title doesn't really fit -- I made it up after writing the prologue and chapter 1 (it made sense back then) and never went back to come up with a better one.
     
  4. Photon

    Photon Order Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    838
    Location:
    Poland
    I think that title based premise is OK.

    My problem is that it is generic - first page of google search (betrayal site:fanfiction.net) reveals seven stories with exactly the same title.
     
  5. Lyrium

    Lyrium Sent Back to India

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2013
    Messages:
    409
    I liked Pettigrew's pov because of the action though I do think that Blaise's is the best and made me reconsider him as a character.

    As for the title, I can see why it might seem generic but it does fit several of the characters: Harry's betrayal (one purposeful and the other accidental), Daphne and the Pureblood girls betrayal at the hands of those they trusted and supported (including their families).

    I don't really pay attention to much to titles tbh but that might be because I hate coming up with them myself.

    I really liked how Harry was in this story, it felt like this is how he would turn out given the right circumstances.
     
  6. melior

    melior Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2011
    Messages:
    226
    I think you overloaded the Review Board, OP.

    On the plus side, this story suddenly became quite popular. On the 9th I had 70 hits on this story on FFnet. This got posted on the tenth and the number of reviews jumped to 400-500 a day. Then today or late yesterday it got added to the DLP C2, and I've gotten over 2000 hits on this story alone, plus spillover into my other stories.

    So, thanks for the recommendation, even though it's just the three of us chatting. :)
     
  7. Dark Minion

    Dark Minion Bright Henchman Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Messages:
    2,229
    Actually that's awesome to learn.

    (follow-up discussion here please: https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?p=656357#post656357 )