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WIP Bitter Laughter by hewhoistomriddle - T

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by 16tonweight, Dec 17, 2012.

  1. 16tonweight

    16tonweight Muggle

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    Title: Bitter Laughter
    Author: hewhoistomriddle
    Rating: T
    Genere: None
    Status: In process of being reposted
    Library Category: Dark
    Parings: None so far
    Summary: The dark!twin!Harry story that everyone feels they need to have their own version of.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3163246/1/Bitter-Laughter


    Great. Now you only need to remember the Edit function instead of creating threads, so that I don't have to delete threads, and leave a comment of your own, instead of just dumping the story here, so that I don't have to write into your posts. We're getting there.

    -Sesc
     
  2. R. E. Lee

    R. E. Lee Groundskeeper

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    I only got six chapters in but I couldn't get any further. Very few grammar mistakes, but it's just a stew of badly executed cliches. MisidentifiedBWL!Twin, almost comic favoritism from Lily and James towards the twin, neglect towards Harry, etc. It's almost like the author read The Santi's "HP & the BWL" and thought, "Nah, to make a dark wizard you have to abuse the hell out of them!"

    Also I thought the tendency to put Harry's thoughts (in parentheses) was annoying and somewhat jarring. 2/5
     
  3. Rache

    Rache Headmaster

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    I lost it a few chapters into the story. The grammar and writing are acceptable though. Unfortunately, the story is crippled with cliches and a lack of an update.

    2/5.
     
  4. Perspicacity

    Perspicacity High Score: 3,994 Prestige DLP Supporter DLP Gold Supporter

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    Read a few chapters, but found it tired, not to mention distracting how the author seems to italicize random words for little discernible purpose. Once or twice wouldn't be so bad, but he seems to do it every sentence.

    Seriously, new folks need to recognize that WBWL stories not written by The Santi have a high bar for approval into the Library, as they tend toward cliché-ridden angst fests with OOC Potters and Dumbledore. Maybe the first such story was interesting, but this story has no hook that I could tell in the first few chapters setting it apart from its mediocre peer group. The writing was schlocky and melodramatic, with a preponderance of one-sentence paragraphs that don't really go anywhere. (This style is something that requires fast pacing to pull off--see Rorschach's Blot or BajaB.) And the italics just annoyed the hell out of me. 2/5
     
  5. Doctor Whooves

    Doctor Whooves High Inquisitor

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    My word. I had no idea that London was so much like thirties Chicago! Or that nurses were so incompetent! And if you'd told me that parents liked a loud child more than a quiet one - well, I'm glad this fic put me straight.

    This... wow, I'm not sure I can believe the author thought it worthy of cleaning up. If I'd written it, I'd have been happy with it slinking away quietly into the depths, instead of exposing it again. I mean, Harry must have been about five years old when he decided to 'destroy those who opposed him' (destroy) and 'crush the light once and for all' (crush, kill, etc etc). When I was five, I wanted to be an astronaut, and I'd hazard a guess that Harry would be distracted from his ultimate goal of ruling the world by the next interesting piece of grass he saw.

    But no. Harry is apparently a genius, as he can use sarcasm - unless the author was being sarcastic, at which point I rest my case - and so isn't bound by the normal laws of childhood.

    All in all, not brilliant. At least My Immortal had an original idea.
     
  6. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    Stopped when the writer used diary-entries as a time lapse device to cover the death of Harry's adoptive father in a couple hundred words. It is not clever, original, or stylish. There's no way to invest in Harry when his backstory is glossed over like that. I'd be willing to forgive the low level of writing, but the fic doesn't give me a reason to.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2012
  7. Kinser

    Kinser Fourth Year

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    Couldn't get past the first chapter. The whole thing felt tired and the writing style, or rather lack thereof was detracting.

    Fail/5
     
  8. Rache

    Rache Headmaster

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    With great personal effort, I continued reading the story to see what @16tonweight found so appealing in the story.

    I take back my words.

    The story is hopeless. The story goes downhill from around like 9 chapters, from the average story it was until then.
     
  9. KingRoger

    KingRoger Second Year

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    Oh good lord, why did he have to do it? I couldn't even get past the first page, it was so annoying. I'm rating this 1/5 purely because I couldn't read it without forcing myself, and that should never be the case.
     
  10. Mercenary

    Mercenary Snake Eater

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    Tack on abuse of ellipses too.

    Who talks like this? I know its a thought but really? People talk like that?!

    And the worse part isnt so much that he italicizes random words so much as he's not very consistent with how he uses it.

    Is it for emphasis? Well some parts it is. But other parts its denoting scene changes. Other parts its denoting thought. Why would you do that?! Did you forget that word editors have a bold function?

    [QUOTEHe was born at exactly 12 midnight, when July died.][/QUOTE]

    ... I dont even. What.

    I know the set up is the wrong boy who lived set up but come on. 12 midnight? ITS THE NEXT DAY. ITS ALREADY AUGUST FIRST.

    AAAAAAH

    In this story if there was any sort of logic picking Chris as the Boy who lived is entirely the correct move. he was born at 11:59pm. Still July 31st as it was "dieing" so to speak.


    Not to mention the Prophecy is still invalidated as neither of the children were marked in anyway shape or form.

    No.

    Get this story out of here.

    I've giving it a 1 because at least the mechanics, the technical aspects, are not eye gouging horrors.
     
  11. Rache

    Rache Headmaster

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    You know, after reading all these stories, I can't help but feel a grudging admiration for Rowling for her rounding up the prophecy without any plot-holes.

    Christopher Potter wasn't even marked and they already hail him as their savior. :facepalm
     
  12. R. E. Lee

    R. E. Lee Groundskeeper

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    Also, unless they were born in a c-section, there is no way in hell that they were born 60 seconds apart.
     
  13. Iztiak

    Iztiak Heir

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    Alternatively, magic.
     
  14. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    You're retarded. Sometimes you know an author is shit, end of.
     
  15. Iztiak

    Iztiak Heir

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    Obviously the story is garbage in just about every way. I was kidding, calm down.

    Sure, it wasn't particularly funny, but hardly worthy of anger.
     
  16. BelleOwl

    BelleOwl Squib

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    Nope, I can't do it. I won't rate because I can't get past the first chapter. Even if I'm ignoring the overused plot and OCs this story is still pretty darn bad. Every author needs time to become better and improve. This author has promise. This story does not. Not for the library.
     
  17. Marcus Livius Drusus

    Marcus Livius Drusus Second Year DLP Supporter

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    This is not even worthy of an analysis. Read three chapters, gave it one star. It's shit.
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2012
  18. Dark Minion

    Dark Minion Bright Henchman Moderator DLP Supporter

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    I usually wait two to three weeks before I move a story, but I don't think this thing needs any more attention in here.

    EDIT:

    Oh, and I just noticed that the story was already posted and rejected before. The op got a warning for that as he ignored absolutely every sticky atop the review board.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2012
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