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Complete Breach of Contract: Twelve Signs by MattSilver 3k - M

Discussion in 'General Fics' started by MellowYellow, Jul 23, 2010.

  1. MellowYellow

    MellowYellow Fourth Year DLP Supporter

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    Title: Breach of Contract: Twelve Signs
    Author: Matt Silver 3k
    Rating: M
    Genre: Suspense
    DLP Category: Please fill in
    Pairing: Harry/Tonks
    Chapters: 5
    Words: 73,592
    Updated: August 20, 2010
    Published: July 22, 2010
    Status: Complete

    Summary: To avoid the prosecution of his friends in the days following the Voldemort war, Harry Potter signed a contract in blood. Years later, Harry deals with a wizard ritualistically murdering Muggles, periodic contract renewals and his own relationships. HPNT

    Link: Breach of Contract: Twelve Signs by Matt Silver 3k

    The author's other stories aren't really all that great but this one shows promise.

    Edit: ok fine maybe posting this story before it really took off is breaking to suggested rule of not posting a story with only one or two chapters. Sorry if that offended anyone(fuubar). But I though maybe I could get away with it because of the chapter length and the basic idea of whats going on.

    Second edit by Tinn: THAT's the correct format.


    Checked by Minion, July 29, 2013
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2013
  2. fuubar

    fuubar Headmaster

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    [​IMG]

    You've been here more than long enough to know the damn rules.

    Edit: Quoted for permanence.

     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2010
  3. Matian

    Matian Seventh Year DLP Supporter

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    I skimmed it and it looks decent. I'll read it tomorrow and give my two cents in an edit.

    What rules are those? The only rule I can see him break is the standard posting stories for review rule, and that can easily be corrected with an edit.

    EDIT:

    I liked it, not much else to say.

    Kensington: Okay, thanks.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2010
  4. Kensington

    Kensington Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    The ladies don't like premature postulation. And by ladies I mean lady. And by lady I mean Tinn.
     
  5. IdSayWhyNot

    IdSayWhyNot Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    Meh, didn't really hook me in. If I were the author I'd have written an action scene first, to draw the reader in. I'd probably had tried writing it from the murderer's POV, of how he killed the eighth victim and then activated the portkey. Maybe add some trouble with the MLE to keep it interesting.

    That could've served as prologue and this as the first chapter. That way you don't have to go over what happened, which was really tedious, and you also add a bit of mystery to the mix. Frankly I don't give a fuck about the Muggles, the killer, Boot or Harry.

    Not gonna rate 'till we get another one or two chapters.
     
  6. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

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    I disagree. As an insight into Auror investigation, I thought it worked rather well. Presumably, the murders are going to be a fairly important plot strand, if not the main basis of the fic - showing the murder happen could have given too much away, or ruined some of the suspense. It's a police procedural show, that happens to be set in the Harry Potter universe. And has Harry rewriting reality on a regular basis...which seems interesting.

    As you say though, too soon to rate - but one to watch, I think. My main problem was that there's a serious need of proof-reading.
     
  7. JenosIdanian

    JenosIdanian Professor DLP Supporter

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    I'll agree with what's previously been said about needing some editing work done, here's the first example that jumped out at me...

    A large what? A large knife? A great bloody pole? A ginormously huge toothpick? The world may never know.

    There are a lot of things I like about this fic so far, though. I like Dover's character in that he still shows some disdain for muggles. I think that's great, it differentiates him from the other characters around him as an OC yet he's still enmeshed in the fic through decent dialouge and conversation. I also enjoyed the reasoning behind Terry being Harry's superior,
    I found the journalistic duo of Jensen and Fallon to be quite refreshing as well, I mean a ghost journalist and silent photographer? That'd be a great little ficlet in itself catalouging their adventures in the written word. I've only got one comment concerning Harry's closing statements in the opening section about committing murder and it's thus: Verdant Greengrass, seriously, WTF?

    Never has so much good been done with one little sentence. Just sayin. I hate that bitch.

    Again, just some syntax stuff. This might be FFN editing crapiness, or it might be an upload issue, or it could just be a lack of polish on the author's part. No matter what, it's distracting.

    I like the idea of castrating the patrons of the whorehouse upon their arrest and conviction. Call me what you will, but I've been through the poorer areas of Asia and I've seen the governmental abuses of those deemed less fortunate all because of which family or tribe or people group they were born into.

    Shades of a young Obi-Wan Kenobi, eh? I like. :awesome

    I thought the end scene between Harry and Loki was pretty okay. Loki could be an interesting character, if given enough focus. It would be cool to see what he's doing with the knowledge of a shifted reality. I've only got one question: What happens when Harry dies?

    All in all, I enjoyed it. Still too early to give a rating to, though.


    EDIT: Kensington: The GIF in your sig rocks! I saw that episode of Cake Boss today. Serious nostalgia going on.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2010
  8. IdSayWhyNot

    IdSayWhyNot Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    Well, most thriller novels and police shows start with the crime. Even Dr. House starts with the 'crime'. The purpose is to draw the reader in. The crime, or whatever it is, has to be interesting and original enough to stop the reader from going, "Huh, another dead chick. Moving on..."

    And by writing from the murderer's POV I don't mean 1st person. It can be written in 3rd, with little to no thoughts from the murderer, and just show/tell what the murderer does and how. Since the Aurors and Harry discuss the modus operandi of the killer in the first scene, I'm guessing that's not gonna be a big part of the suspense.

    What we don't know is who the killer is, why he kills or how he chooses his victims. Those facts can easily be concealed in the prologue I suggested.

    Anyway, not important. The fic could go well without the prologue. Let's just see where this guy takes it. And pray at night for a beta-reader.

    [​IMG]
     
  9. Kensington

    Kensington Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    C is for cookies. And cookies are for me!
     
  10. MattSilver

    MattSilver The Traveller

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    Seriously first poster guy? You couldn't have just waited until I'd, you know, posted the other four parts of the story first?

    But cheers for the comments guys. Let's do some addressing...

    Yeah, sorry. No excuse beyond a throw-away line.

    I'll admit to that idea never actually striking me, but either way I wanted to make it entirely Harry's POV. Trouble with the MLE? Stay tuned.

    Funny that.

    I'mma go triple-check my chapter over. Try to root out those mistakes. Cheers for the heads up guys, Jenos especially.
     
  11. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    You edited that and still couldn't be fucked to correct the format?
     
  12. IdSayWhyNot

    IdSayWhyNot Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    Huh, didn't know the author was a DLPer... Ah, to be a newbie.

    Anyway, why not post it in WBA? I'd love to see a new story there. The Santi's HP BWL is all well and good, but we need some fresh blood.

    And I'll definitely stay tuned. I always enjoy police work novels, and you pretty much got a clean slate to play with here. Go blow my mind off :awesome
     
  13. Garden

    Garden Minister of Magic

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    I'll wait until there's more to look at until I post a rating.
    For now:
    -I liked Harry's character and his skills;They seemed to fit each other very well.
    -I liked the detective style writing and the crime scene
    -I'll echo what someone already said about the ghost journalist.
    -I think this idea is pretty original and really cool.
    -I like Remus's characterization, though he does seem cowardly. It's an original take on him, so its still cool.
    -I liked the Harry/Tonks interaction and the Harry/Goblin interaction.

    Looking forward to this fic getting longer.
     
  14. psihary

    psihary Groundskeeper

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    Pretty good job on this one!

    I admit I skipped it while browsing the search-results list in fanfic, and I read it just now since it was put for a review, and I'm quite happy I did... reading the story I mean, not the skipping part.

    Anyways, there are a number of errors in the first chapter, but that was already mentioned. The only other problem that is worth mentioning would be the constant repeat of "the contract this" and "the contract that". There are paragraphs with the words "contract" and "blood contract" in every sentence, or at least it felt that way.

    Finding a beta or posting in the WbA section will probably improve on several aspects of your writing as well. Since you are not a newbie in the forum, you should know that there are a number of people here who can help you spot strange wording and such.

    Anyways, a good start and solid writing. 4/5 and looking forward for the next chapters where depending on how you progress the plot it could get to a 5.
     
  15. Kratos

    Kratos Squib

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    I like the suspense genre, it's refreshing to read a good story styled more towards mystery. It's a bit early to judge how it will all play out. The one thing I would say is the author likes to go heavily into the stereotypical brooding language. While it can work somewhat, I thought it was fine in the opening, there's too much of it.

    Looks promising.
     
  16. Snag

    Snag Squib

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    I liked it. So far, so good. Plus, the notion that Harry has to do something kinda evil to keep reality from reverting or whatever the consequences would be, is a novel twist. Too early to rate, of course, but the basic layout is quite promising.
     
  17. AAli

    AAli High Inquisitor DLP Supporter

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  18. psihary

    psihary Groundskeeper

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    Rituals, elements of mystery, Voldemort's name gets involved and Kingsley's murder... well the second chapter was everything I was hoping for and even a bit more... =)

    The scene with the broken man Kingsley was absolutely brilliant. Can't put it right into words but I liked it so much that I read it twice before finishing the chapter!

    5/5 and honestly I can't wait to read the rest.

    There are still a number of errors, missing words and such. Definitely less compared with the first chapter but they are still there.

    MOAR!!!
     
  19. JenosIdanian

    JenosIdanian Professor DLP Supporter

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    Really glad to see an update for this fic.

    First, the awesome:
    Some fics have Harry "doin what he's gotta do" and it comes off as cliched and super-OOC, but there's enough good setup here that it seems natural for your Harry to do something like this.

    Love Jensen, he might be my favorite OC in this entire story. Just sayin. Love the idea of a Ghost-writer:cool: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

    I love the Honks interaction in this chapter, especially when he blows her off at the Ministry right after he and Dover hear about the ninth body. It makes their pairing much more life-like, cause ya know, that stuff happens IRL.

    I like Robards, especially with dialogue like:
    It really lets the cop in him shine through, even though he's an administrator and has to deal with political crap, well written character, I think.

    Seeing Harry back at Hogwarts and his interaction with Lavender and giving the shaft to Neville was good. Just more stuff fleshing out his character. His musings about Hogwarts and the issues surrounding the "Shift" were interesting too, it'll be neat to see what the author does with the various repercussions of Harry's dimension-altering activities.

    Harry and Hermoine in the alternate timeline. Hot damn, killer; you tell her! I really liked the alternate dimension setting.
    ZING :awesome You killed Kingsley. With a glass of scotch. There are no words for how awesome that is, seriously. Ending the chapter with some good Honks interaction is always a plus in my book.

    Till ten...
     
  20. MattSilver

    MattSilver The Traveller

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    Thanks a ton for the reviews, psiharry and Jenos. The Kingsley scene was fun in that challenging sort of way to write, and I'm fucking estatic you guys liked it.

    Chapter Three: Ten is up now: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6166553/3/

    Fair warning though, it's a big one.