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WIP Champion by OctaviusOwl - M

Discussion in 'General Fics' started by sirius009, Mar 21, 2014.

  1. sirius009

    sirius009 Minister of Magic

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    Title: Champion
    Author: OctaviusOwl
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure
    Category: General
    Chapters: 16
    Words: 59,274
    Updated: March 20, 2014
    Published: August 12, 2013
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: Voldemort won the war. Harry Evans attends Hogwarts where discrimination is rampant. Voldemort rules Britain but a Resistance movement is fighting back. No one knows much about them for sure, except for their name: The Marauders. Fourth Year. TriWizard Tournament. AU.

    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9591005/1/Champion

    I've posted this twice in "Almost Recommendable" but feel as though it has gotten to a point where it should be considered for the Library.

    As I've previously stated, the premise isn't overly original: Voldemort won, there is no "Boy-Who-Lived" and Britain is completely bigoted as Hogwarts hosts the Triwizard Tournament. The author has done a nice job of slowly turning Harry Evans from a brave, powerful, angry kid into Harry Potter; the powerful halfblood looking to undermine Voldemort. Harry's evolution is slow and believable, and I really cannot wait to see where OctaviusOwl goes with this.

    The "pairing" is eventually going to be Harry/Fleur and the update rate, when the author is writing, is really quick; I think he's put out 4 chapters in the last week, all around 3-5k. The author himself is a very solid writer who probably would benefit from posting here but so far has ignored my attempts to get him here.

    Overall I'm giving this a 4/5 so far.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2014
  2. Heather_Sinclair

    Heather_Sinclair Headmaster

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    I consider this a pretty average HP story.

    One thing that really stands out as wrong is that Voldemort wanted the whole Tri-Wizard thing so he can show Europe that Great Britain isn't all intolerable and hateful so he can make inroads to either conqueror or have relations with other nations. (it hasn't really been explained what his ultimate goal is) He goes out of his way to be nice, but a little intimidating to the foreigners, but he allows all of the pureblood students to do whatever they want, totally contradicting his purpose.

    This... and Ron. Dear god, the Death Eater wantabe cliche Ron.

    The whole never ending Ron thing drops the story down a full point from three to two for me, so...

    2/5
     
  3. Aakash

    Aakash Muggle

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    Harry is hot-headed, quick to anger, not subtle and impulsive. His characterization is too close to canon despite this story being in AU.
    Also there is too much Ron in the story.....we know he is a stupid bigot but the author keeps on repeating it over and over again. Maybe it is important for the plot.
    The author's take on Voldemort wins! is well done and refreshing, so .....2.5/5
     
  4. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery Prestige

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    Ron was my main complaint when this was in A/R. His family sold out to the Dark Lord to stay alive (debatably plausible) but that still doesn't mean he should be as bigotted and vengeful as Rosier. It would have been loads better if he was at least conflicted about his actions -- the scene where he Crucios Harry would have been a perfect opportunity to do this.

    I do, however, enjoy reading about the entire school working against Harry and the change that comes about as a result of losing his last name and standing up to Voldemort. That makes it interesting enough to take it to a 4/5 in my book, though the early chapters were more like a 3/5. I think it's at the VERY LEAST good enough for the Recycling Bin.

    Rated 4 stars.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2014
  5. Odran

    Odran Prisoner

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    For someone who's had to live in that kind of prejudiced, bigoted and extremely harsh society, for anyone not born a pureblood, Harry sure is stupid in how he acts. I understand that's the point, to rebel against the current regime and what not, and that being subservient and meek won't actually get you any better treatment, but outright rebellion like that... kind of makes me wonder why Lily never tried to run off with Harry and Hermione to another country or into hiding with the Marauders.

    Not like they held someone as hostage to make sure she knew her 'place'.

    Also, it's a rather glaring flaw for Voldemort's regime that he allows halfbloods and muggleborns to be treated like utter shit, but that I blame on the writer who seems to think this constitutes as a guarantee for a stable reign and/or continued support from the purebloods. I'm pretty sure that the purebloods are outnumbered by the other two, as it always tends to be the case, so this makes even less sense, IMO.

    I'm not bothering to comment on Ron, because really, I wasn't expecting anything else.

    All in all, 2/5.
     
  6. Photon

    Photon Order Member

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    It is way to early to post it to the Library.

    I really like this story, I recognise flaws but somehow I don't care about them (I remember that in the beginning chapters author decided to both show and tell).

    It has Voldemort won AU that is not completely stupid, it may even end as great depending on whatever some thing will be properly explained. It has nice focus on friendship of Harry and Hermione that this time will not include romance (it is absurdly rare to find story like this). Well done Dean and Seamus as important characters. General plot is interesting but it is just starting. No canon rehash. There are some indications of possible Harry/Fleur that some people may like.

    As I really like this story I give it 5 stars.

    But it may change depending on many things like
    - General plot and whatever it will make sense (Why Harry will be alive the next year?)
    - Explaining why running away to another country is not a solution
    - Explaining why other countries are so clueless about entire situation
    - How the entire plan "show that we are not absurdly bigoted" was supposed to work? Maybe I missed something but I fail to remember anything that indicates that they are even really trying (I need reread, I am unable to remember timeline).
    - Fate of this story (will it be completed?).

    I have absolutely no problem with Ron here, I understand reaction "Death Eater Ron = bad story", but here it makes sense. It is not sudden and idiotic surprise "he was DE all the time" or ridiculous "suddenly evil", but result as growing up in society with racism promoted as core value.

    "who seems to think this constitutes as a guarantee for a stable reign" - why, what? Voldemort's reign is not stable, note that there is still active rebel group.

    Author is at least lurking on DLP, I really hope that he will post it in WbA.

    Note that update rate was quick after long period of inactivity, author mentions on profile that update schedule is highly random.
     
  7. OctaviusOwl

    OctaviusOwl First Year

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    Hey, everyone. Thanks for checking out the story. I finally registered on here yesterday and meant to start a thread asking for some advice, but this thread beat me to it.

    One of the biggest complaints I've had from readers is that I have too much Ron and too much Ron bashing. I understand where you are all coming from, but give me a chance to explain really quick.

    This is by far the longest story I have ever written. I'm trying to improve at everything, including characterization. In my mind I have this wonderfully complex Ron character that I would love to do more with, but I'm having trouble getting that across as you can see. That being said, the direction of the story has shifted from where I originally intended to go and Ron no longer has nearly a big a role as I had first planned.

    The reason why Lily didn't simply flee the country or join the Marauders from the start is because 1) Voldemort would have kept tabs on her seeing as she was a relatively important person in the war and 2) she had a little kid with her. People do crazy things for their children. I personally think it would be far more likely for her to try and give Harry a normal life instead of having him grow up in what amounts to a terrorist organization.

    Thanks for any and all advice!
     
  8. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I like this so far, and it looks like it's going to get better from now on. There is nothing eye-catchingly bad about it, and several very good points. A fine addition to the library.


    I may be biased because this is Harry/Fleur, but I rated this 4 stars.


    Edit: I have no problem with Ron. His behavior is explained and believable.
     
  9. Heather_Sinclair

    Heather_Sinclair Headmaster

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    The story is sitting at 60k words. The plot seems to have been released, but was fairly predictable given the summary, and there's been enough of each character revealed to have a good general feel about them. That's plenty to have enough info to review short of waiting for it to be complete.

    Regarding Ron: It's not Ron=DeathEater that is an auto-fail. It's being cliche bashed over the head with it in virtually every chapter. We get it; Ron is evil. Move on and either expand on his character (why he became evil, considering who his parents are, or have some sort of payback in some way that doesn't get Harry and Hermione killed.) The scene with Fred and George looked like it was going to expand on that, but it fell back into the Ron=Evil... just because purebloods are cool mindset. That's a generalization, but it amounts to what was revealed.
     
  10. Alexx

    Alexx Card Captored and buttsecksed

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    The summary seemed interesting but I was highly disappointed and writing was mediocre. 2/5 it could have been good if it had a better writer and a more interesting plot.
     
  11. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery Prestige

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    Octavius, first of all, let me welcome you to Dark Lord Potter. You must know that any and all abuse of your fic will be purely for your own benefit, and the WbA (Work by Author) is a great place to post your story and receive feedback from DLP as a whole. While someone else recced your story, and I rated it library-worthy myself, I must say that you would benefit from using the WbA.

    Glad to have another good author on board. We have Anthologies that come out virtually yearly (the 3rd will be out soon, 1 and 2 are on the boards/Amazon somewhere) and you may consider writing something for that.

    If you would like some advice I'd be glad to give it, as will many of us. We're all dicks (it's kind of a prerequisite, or it USED to be) but we're some loyal, devoted dicks with really good taste.

    This post in no way implies that my dick tastes good (though reports say it does).
     
  12. OctaviusOwl

    OctaviusOwl First Year

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    Thanks, Don. I posted the story in WbA shortly after posting on here and am already hearing some good feedback. I'm happy to hear any and all abuse anyone has to offer on the story, so don't hold back.

    The anthology sounds pretty interesting, I'll have to check out the ones you guy's have already put out.
     
  13. Invictus

    Invictus Heir

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    Ao thie like 1934 Berlin Wizard Edition? Because that seems like a very interesting premise. And plus, Fleur. Is she well characterized?
     
  14. Fardeki

    Fardeki Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    As the story stands I would rate it a borderline 4/5. I think this was rec'd a little early, not based on word count because 60k is more than enough, more because this story can go either way. Either it ends up just another H/F pureblood bashing fic, or potentially turn into something great. The writing quality already gets +1.

    It's need polish, mostly characters and the world needs more depth etc, but it could be great. The world building while simplistic, is well done, but again could be expanded on more. The marauders sound awesome from what little we have seen, especially the latest chapter. I like the fact that Pettigrew is still part of the group. As a canon character I hate him, but I like the idea in fics where he stays loyal and the Marauders are actually a kick ass group.

    I am enjoying this Voldemort more then the stereotypical ones you find in 99% of fanfics. A sane Voldemort, that actually limits and justifies his actions? Valid reasons or not, it is a refreshing change.

    Like others have pointed out, Ron needs to be expanded on as to why he is the way he is. As was shown, none of the rest of his family act the same way, so why does Ron? What does he bring to the story? Remove Ron and we won't be missing much, saving a lot of reader frustration. If he is needed later in the story, then surely the author can spend time now expanding on his character and giving us reasons the way he is.

    So overall a 4/5, just because I do think this is slightly library worthy in comparison to what else your going to find on ff.net, and now that the author is here hopefully he takes some advice on board and the story will end up being truly deserving of the library.
     
  15. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Perhaps it's because this was the first fanfic I've read after a time reading published fiction, but it felt incredibly long winded to me. There's a lot of words here for not a lot of progress in the plot. Voldemort is mildly charismatic and that's about it. The stuff with Ron is tiresome, as are Harry's anger issues.

    Nonetheless, despite skimming over about 75% of the fic the last two chapters have been moderately engaging -- enough for me to want to read the next chapter and add it to my alerts.

    I'm going to give the fic 3/5 as it stands.
     
  16. IBG

    IBG Seventh Year

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    I'll give this a 3.5 and round up to a 4. I find it pretty interesting that Voldemort's regime does not try too hard to hide their discrimination in front of the foreigners, and that Voldemort doesn't try to appear charismatic. I do have to suspend my disbelief pretty heavily though.

    It's definitely long winded, but I feel like the next few chapters will make or break the fic.
     
  17. Zeelthor

    Zeelthor Scissor Me Timbers

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    The good parts of the story are really, really good. But there are too many really weak moments for me to give this anything but a 3/5. Correct the stuff that's been pointed out in the thread you made and you'll have a library-worthy story, I think.
     
  18. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    I agree that Ron needs more depth and there are a few other issues, my biggest peeve being Voldemort's attempt at swaying Harry to his side by offering to restore his name after he threatened to kill his family if he caused trouble (which was Voldemort having a hold-the-idiot-ball moment after being set up as apparently intelligent), but what this story did for me was keeping me interested enough to keep reading and that's a plus that evens out some minus points.

    3,75, rounded up to four. We'll see how it goes on.
     
  19. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

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    Sigh.

    The problem I always have with those stories ... I want Harry to be part of the oppressors, not the the oppressed, and have a fun quick romp in a ridiculously racist world.

    It's the same thing here. Five paragraphs in, Harry wipes the floor with Nott ... and I wish that Nott would be a Muggleborn, and Dolohov congratulate Harry on showing the Mudblood its place. I really need a good Dark!Harry story :(

    Does it get fun later on? (Reading about Harry getting ridiculed because he's a halfblood is not fun).
     
  20. Zeelthor

    Zeelthor Scissor Me Timbers

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    It's not the story you're looking for, Sesc.