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WIP Coming Back Late by Paracelsus - T/PG-13

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Lumnox, Sep 19, 2009.

  1. Lumnox

    Lumnox Second Year DLP Supporter

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    Title: Coming Back Late
    Author: Paracelsus
    Rating: T/PG-13
    Genre: Drama/Romance
    DLP Category: Romance/AU
    Pairing: Harry/Hermione
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: We remember the scene from DH: Harry was struck down by the Dark Lord, and his spirit seemed to go to King's Cross and confer with Albus Dumbledore. Suppose, instead of returning directly to his body, Harry's spirit returned late? Come watch as the last chapters of the last book unravel and reweave.
    Link: http://fanfiction.portkey.org/story/8073


    This story has been going for about a year, 33 chapters and 139,000+ words. I find the writing enjoyable and intelligent, the plot refreshingly new as I cannot recall this particular "What If?" ever done before.

    Harry and Hermione can be a little Mary-Sue-ish, to a point, such as with Hermione's problem solving skills or Harry's power, but I feel it is keep under control (using the same examples, it still takes a realistic amount of time for Hermione to solve something, and Harry's power should be realistic for what his is). The romantic tension is gradual and well done, as are the subplots and their fleshing out and unraveling.

    Overall: 4.5/5 :)

    (And as this is my first post, I apologize if I didn't satisfactory follow all rules and tenets.)
     
  2. merchantofam

    merchantofam Fifth Year DLP Supporter

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    I read the first couple of chapters after that I couldn't possibly bring myself to read it anymore, the original idea hooked me in but after that there was nothing that jumped out at me, no pizazz. I mean come on Harry goes way from the wizarding world cuz he is afraid of the consequences of becoming "Death's vizer" and then we get Hermione as the Woman-who-won. Can the author be anymore original than that?

    Secondly, what's with the use of muggle technology? I can see if HP was living in the muggle world he would have a semblance of how to use the technology but him not knowing about caller id when he vacated the premises, and incidentally clearing all evidence of someone living in the apartment
    , once he was suspicious his ruse was found? When the author explicitly stated that HP checked his caller id when Teddy called him.

    Thirdly, it seems that author simply twisted the story to make the Harry/Hermione pairing work.
    Really? If hermione's and ron's magic weren't compatible with each other why in the world did they have child together? And if Hermione is really the Woman-who-won why wouldn't the wizarding world allow her to seperate from her husband? Wouldn't they bend over backwards to her every whim?

    Fourthly, I appreciate seeing the plot from a different character's perspective but if you're going to call it HP centirc and have half the story centered around Hermione, well that's just idiotic.

    Finally, if Harry kept on himself the Elder wand whose power is unrivaled and can attain the desired results without incantations why wouldn't he be powerful. Even if it's not innate the Deathstick is still amplifying his power. And Hermione's actions at the 'final battle'
    doesn't seem a bit unlikely to you?

    At best I would it give it a 3/5, and that's being generous.

    Oh btw, I don't think you give your own post a rating.
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2009
  3. Psychotic Cat

    Psychotic Cat Unspeakable

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    I just LOL at the bit where
    Hermione instantly figures out Harry is alive after thinking he's dead for years, with nothing more than the fact that Teddy knows a wizard who lives is hiding in the muggle world as evidence. That goes beyond "problem solving skills". Apparently, the difference between what the author knows, and what the characters know doesn't apply to Hermione. She knows everything.


    It's a Portkey fic, 'nuff said.
     
  4. darklordmike

    darklordmike Auror

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    I've been following this fic off and on for months now, though I haven't read the most recent chapters.

    It's decent. Especially if you're a fan of H/Hr who is in desperate need of a fix.

    The upsides: there's plenty of intrigue created by an international criminal cartel, who are using house elves as sex slaves and are connected to Blaise Zabini, Ginny's current beau. Hermione's attempt to disrupt the cartel is at the heart of the plot.

    The effect of the Hallows on Harry is also pretty interesting, and there's a neat encounter with Death later in the story.

    The downsides: melodrama, melodrama, melodrama. Harry's choice to leave the wizarding world for years simply isn't plausible, and is basically there to set up a situation where he wants Hermione but can't have her.

    Likewise with the Ron/Hermione marriage. It's there to enhance the suffering of our heroine, and for no other reason. My angst-o-meter was in the red several times.

    tl; dr: If you're a Harmony fan, it's a solid read and worth your time. Everyone else is likely to be so annoyed by the relationship drama that they won't stick around for the plot.

    3/5

    EDIT: OP, please remove all of those tags except for 'Harry/Hermione.' There's a sticky in 'For Review' that explains how we tag around here.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2009
  5. Dr. Strange Lulz

    Dr. Strange Lulz Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    See, this is why I read reviews before the story.

    So when I see stuff like this.

    I know to avoid it.
     
  6. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    Uhhhhhhhhhh...
     
  7. sincostan

    sincostan High Inquisitor

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    It's not that bad. Little bits like the DNA and even Voldemort's death can be excused as they're not part of the story. The marriage to Ron is nonsensical and there simply as a device to drag the angst (and the story) out. Hermione is brilliant, but if you're a Harmony shipper you should have no problem with that. She doesn't tie up Harry's balls and dominate him, so it's not a big problem. There's a bit of staring into each other's eyes and being unable to look away, and the bit with the enchanted gemstone was creepy.

    This story is clearly Hermione/Harry centric. The romance is strained (and Ron and Ginny's characters are butchered), but the plot is very good.

    3/5.
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2009
  8. darklordmike

    darklordmike Auror

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    What, you don't like the idea of banging a house elf, Andro? C'mon, now, Winky's HAWT! :awesome

    I forget how the author accomplishes it, but the basic idea is that a small group of house elves has been bred to acquire a more human appearance. They're taller, and are supposedly even good-looking by human standards.

    It's all much less absurd than it sounds, and there are a few lulzy moments where the sexeh!elves want to thank Harry for helping them (making him very uncomfortable).
     
  9. Demons In The Night

    Demons In The Night Chief Warlock

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    This is actually a pretty good story if you can get past the first few chapters and some of the more original ideas.

    The writing is superb and it's not a super!Hermione story despite her apparently killing Voldemort.

    There were some parts that annoyed me, but the plot itself is engaging, with the main plot holding together and interweaving with the various side plots rather nicely.

    I know most people won't like this, but it really is a decent story worthy of the library.

    4/5
     
  10. sincostan

    sincostan High Inquisitor

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    @DemonsInTheNight It's a shame as I really like Harry/Hermione, but I think it's really held back by the cliched romance.
     
  11. Demons In The Night

    Demons In The Night Chief Warlock

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    Yeah, there's a decent bit of melodrama, but I think the mystery and the other plots are strong enough so that it doesn't drag the story down too much. In other words, I don't consider this a straight romance story (lot of mystery/suspense/adventure elements), and if the romance was taken out, I'd probably give it a 5/5 instead of 4/5.

    Plus, the writing is really strong. The story has little to no grammatical errors and it reads really well.

    I liked this one and I generally hate h/hr pairing.
     
  12. BioPlague

    BioPlague MD DLP Supporter

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    5/5

    A coherent story with some intrigue that doesn't get bogged down with romance. The writing is indeed superb.

    I can't believe people are whining about Hermione in this story. She's shown as an actual formidable opponent who despite her strength, cannot buckle Harry; they're equals.
     
  13. Vir

    Vir Centauri Ambassador Prestige DLP Supporter

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    This.

    I just finished the story and I enjoyed it. The sense of mystery and plot has me wanting for another chapter. There were a few moments where I facepalmed at the cliche, but that was early in the story. This belongs in the library.
     
  14. Innomine

    Innomine Auror Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Well, I have to say that this was truly a gem that I never expected to find.

    The characterization was phenomenal. Every single character was portrayed in an extremely realistic manner, perhaps far more realistic, and true to canon that I have really seen before in any type of quality writing. Every single character had their flaws, and they had their strengths. They all had their own part to play, and none of them were overpowered at all in terms of the situation which they faced.

    I definitely found both the main characters to be extremely engaging, Harry definitely had a plausible reason for doing what he did, and nothing seemed over exaggerated to the point of ridiculousness. Hermione is portrayed excellently as well. Someone who is highly intelligent, but still has weaknesses and flaws.

    The writing was excellent, and the plot was intriguing, definitely keeping me gripped to each chapter. I would only expect there to be only one or two more chapters left, as it is almost completely finished. The Harry/Hermione romance was not overdone at all, expect perhaps a little towards the end, and even then you would barely have a case for it.

    I expect that many people on this forum would dislike it because it does not fall under the action/adventure category. There is very little to almost no fighting, instead the entire plot is based off intrigue and mystery. All in all, it worked extremely well for what it tries to be.

    I can't give this anything but a 5/5. There is no way that a fic of this quality does not deserve a spot in the library. Remember people, ratings here are based on quality of writing, within the genre that it is set in, not upon how badass or amazingly powerful Harry is within fics. Try to keep the ratings based upon that idea.

    Probably one of the longest reviews i've ever done on this site. Definitely worth it.

    I completely disagree with you. Brilliance is defined by people going above and beyond what is logically in front of someone. Most people can pick up the obvious pieces in front of ones self, but it takes someone either brilliant or obsessed in order to connect the dots that are really not that self evident. I honestly found the effort it took Hermione to figure it out incredibly refreshing. It was, in my opinion at least, extremely realistic.

    You're mistake.

    I just want to point out ,that at the start of the story it is clearly Harry that kills Voldemort, with the mastery of the deathly hallows, Hermione was just in the right place and the right time. The only possible logical reason known to the people there.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2009
  15. Dirk Diggory

    Dirk Diggory Seventh Year

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    It's still ridiculous for Hermione to suddenly be capable of outdueling Voldemort for no reason at the end of what is allegedly canon DH. Voldemort tries to block Hermione's spells but there's too many and she's too fast for him? Yeah, she's really known for her mongoose-like speed. Lol wut?

    I read this a while ago and felt it had too much Super Hermione. She was also really sanctimonious. Maybe the author toned it down in later updates.

    Edit: Yeah, skipped forward, Hermione's still the genius girl detective solving crimes and Woman Who Won, Harry's now bankrupt and back to being
    mediocre now that he's not the master of death
    Well, points for authorial consistency.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2009
  16. BioPlague

    BioPlague MD DLP Supporter

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    I don't think you know how to read very well.
     
  17. Innomine

    Innomine Auror Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Yeah, if you read it properly, you'd see that Voldemort stopped dueling and was trying to fight off Harry's mastery of the Hallows, which is why he let his defenses down, and as such, got hit by a "reducto to the chest".

    Sanctimonious!Hermione? Why are you surprised by that. Hardly anything but a canonistic impression of her.
     
  18. scaryisntit

    scaryisntit Death Eater

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    I enjoyed it. Not much more to it than that. It was an enjoyable read. Elli has already listed mostly what I liked about this, so I won't bother reiterating.

    However, I've found the chapters after #29 fairly dull. We've essentially passed the main climax at this point, so I'm feeling the ending is being dragged out at this point.

    4/5

    @Zero. Teddy and Victoire's romantic life is barely mentioned after the restaurant scene. If you actually finished it, then you'd have see the point of it. Also, given that several more established members than I have enjoyed this and rated it highly, I'd say this fic fits here reasonably well.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2009
  19. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    All lies! This fic sucks!

    Doesn't HarryHermy fics have their own site? Why not post this on GinnyPotter.net for review? This fic will fit right in. I really didn't need to know about Teddy and Victoir Weasleys potential sex life in chapter 2.
     
  20. Tinn Tam

    Tinn Tam Review Goddess Retired Staff

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    Why? Does it shock you, or are you just not interested?

    I'd find it hilarious, if someone who writes so many posts which could be summed up as "SMUT SMUT I WANT SMUT" was genuinely shocked by the mention of a 15-year-old's attraction for a beautiful girl who's a year younger; an attraction which doesn't go any further than flirting. For now anyway.

    But I don't think I'm so lucky, so I guess you're just bored by something so predictable happening between characters you don't care about.

    Anyway, it's a stupid reason to condemn the fic. The scene was good. Ted Lupin is a well-written character so far (I read the first seven chapters). Victoire still needs to be shaped up a bit, and I'm not sure about that whole "Veela charm" thing -- a little too fanon for my tastes; too well-mastered, too powerful. But these two are good characters.

    As for "HarryHermy" fics belonging to "GinnyPotter", well, I'm not sure you heard but DLP's never been a pairing-centred site.

    I'm going to qualify a little what's been said above: the writing indeed is good, especially after the first chapter, in which the author made a couple of odd stylistic choices (Harry's inner monologue was a little silly at times and didn't translate his emotions very well when he was desperate about being too late). Similarly, in following chapters, inner monologue is sometimes used when mere prose would've fit better. People don't often think to themselves "And I've done this and that. Afterwards, I did this and that." They may recall the events but don't explain them out coherently to themselves.

    It's the only thing I didn't like about the style of writing, though.

    I liked Ron's characterisation, not flattering but subtle enough not to fall into bashing. He's lucid, and most of all he's still Harry's friend. So far anyway. Fleur is still rather transparent. Harry's good. Hermione's personality is sometimes lost in the cold, calculating control she displays; I know her to be brilliant, but there's nothing cold about her.

    I'll read further when I get more time, but so far this is well-deserving of the Library.