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WIP Death has no Master, but Life has Servants - By Jinchuu21 - M

Discussion in 'Review Board' started by Salsa, Sep 8, 2019.

  1. Salsa

    Salsa Seventh Year

    Jun 30, 2019
    San Diego, California
    Title: Death has no Master, but Life has Servants
    Author: Jinchuu21
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure
    Status: Work In Progress
    Library: The Alternates
    Pairings: Harry/Arianne
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11910526/1/Death-has-no-Master-but-Life-has-Servants

    I honestly had forgotten about this story, but stumbling on it again made me decide to evaluate its worth for the Review Board.

    Upon re-read, I wasn't impressed, but certainly not repulsed either.

    The premise is that Harry Potter, after dying, is sent to Westeros to save it, I guess from the White Walkers? Fortunately it's kept vague.

    A typical reincarnation story, he's actually reborn as Robert, Renly, and Stannis' youngest brother.

    The prose is a bit too tell-y for me, but not torturous to read through. and I feel an in-media-res would work better for this story, but I continued reading.

    Harry is a like-able protagonist with a distaste for violence (a septon rouses some fanatics to annoy the patients of a clinic he's running, with magic, he scares them off instead of killing them 'cause they weren't actually being violent).

    I say like-able because he's also willing to get his hands dirty. I found the title incredibly fitting because in the end, Harry's goal is to save as many people as possible.

    The characters don't act OOC without good reason, or showing why they do so.

    I feel the beginning is a bit too tell-y for me to warrant it a place in the library. At the current moment I give it a 3.5/5 rounded down; but if it keeps the quality to the end I'll give it a 4.

    What I ultimately like, though:

    No bashing. No wanking (of the Starks, the Lannisters, the Targs, etc.), no canals, no gunpowder, no Faceless Men serving Harry bcuzmasterofdeath, just a decent crossover lacking in common fuck-ups found in most HP/ASOIAF Xovers.

    I'm tentative for when Harry's presence causes greater effects in-world. Not sure what they'll be but I'm looking forward to it.

    My final verdict:

    Skims the top of Almost Recommended, and the bottom of the Library. I enjoyed reading this, and I recommend it, but I probably won't re-read it to be honest.
  2. CaffeineAddict

    CaffeineAddict Seventh Year DLP Supporter

    Nov 25, 2008
    Just blitzed this in one sitting. It needs a beta, first of all, or at least an additional editing pass on the first few chapters, as there's some misused words and awkward phrases, but nothing egregious.

    As you said, @Salsa, its very tell as opposed to show in the beginning, but latter chapters seem to have gotten better about that.

    The premise is amusing, but Harry is more than a bit of a Garry Stu, as he's super special and awesome (which in fairness, is pretty much every HP/ASOIAF crossover, even the good one), but he's got flaws even if they're minor ones.

    It's not complete trash, and the none of the characters appear to have been flanderised or fanonised, which is a blessed relief, but I wouldn't necessarily call it good, either.

    It was a fun time waster, and I'll look forward to updates, but as stated above, it skirts that line between Almost Recommended and the Library.

    I give it a firm 3/5 with the option of going higher or lower in the future depending on plot.
  3. Nauro

    Nauro Headmaster

    Oct 20, 2011
    It's hard to rate this one fairly, because I didn't like it.

    I didn't like its style, nor did I get drawn into by the plot, meaning that it was just a matter of time before I dropped it (a couple chapters were remaining when I did)
    Harry's characterisation is weak - he's supposed to be very compassionate (known as 'the healer' at a very young age), yet he's supposedly hiding steel underneath. Most of his characterisation is done via others, and feels like constant telling of his praise.
    Character X goes into lengthy reminiscence on why character X had different expectations of Harry and how Harry exceed them and changed them.

    The plot, as such, starts moving when Harry is called to lead stormlander armies as a Baratheon (or part of stromlander armies). Harry's age is not fully specified (or I forgot), but he's still underage, a squire (to the Red Viper). Calling squires to command wars while not calling the knight the squire is under is already a weird concept (but there's some remarks to that in the story, so whatever), and the fact that Harry seems to live in Dorne without any personal guard/retinue leads to him going alone with a single sand snake for protection.

    We are led to understand that Harry doesn't have his wand, but retains a semblance of magical power. Regardless, there's the confrontation with the ironborn which irks me the wrong way. Harry threatens a bunch of ironborn with total extermination unless they surrender and this offer is taken completely seriously and manages to impress both the ironborn AND the stormlanders.

    The teenager spouting such nonsense, without any real projection of power (he injures the first man to insult him, and the parley doesn't devolve into melee from that, rather, in the end he gets the valyrian steel blade from the man as payment) breaks my suspension of disbelief.

    It might be true that the quality of the writing improves as the story goes, but my interest in it vaned into nothingness faster.

    A very sad story that wobbles on its legs to promote a 'perfect' Harry.

    Gonna rate this at 2
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2019
  4. InfernoPlato

    InfernoPlato Squib

    Aug 5, 2013
    Currently in the United Kingdom
    This doesn't need to be 100k+ words. Not much really happens in the grand scheme of things and whilst lots of words/time/energy is spent describing how others view Harry and how great he is, less is spent developing some sort of conflict and moving us along. We're getting hints of it, but it's a long way off and I won't be there for the ride.

    We have the habit of Harry does something awesome, character reacts, Harry does something unexpected, character is even more amazed as Harry pulls it off. Whether it's healing, leading armies, dueling Barristan or even just talking with Oberyn the cycle repeats. It's boring and I don't think that the author will end the habit.