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WIP Deprived by The Crimson Lord - T

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by liam-mcgillis15, Jan 25, 2012.

  1. liam-mcgillis15

    liam-mcgillis15 Squib

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    Title: Deprived
    Author: The Crimson Lord
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/Romance
    Status: WIP
    Library Category: General?
    Pairings: Harry/Fleur, though there are overtones of Harry/Daphne and Harry/Luna in the latest chapter
    Summary: On that fateful day, two Potters were born. One was destined to be the Boy-Who-Lived. The other was forgotten by the Wizarding World. Now, as the Triwizard Tournament nears, a strange boy is contracted to defend a beautiful girl.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7402590/1/Deprived

    This is my first post on this forum so if you would bear with me.

    Not quite sure if this has been posted yet or not, though I couldn't find it when I searched Harry/Fleur. Anyway, it is a twin!BWL fic so that may turn some people away. However, it is also rather well written and is rather engaging. There are also some of the other common cliches that go along with this like Super!Harry, as well as Harry hates his family, though he isn't all that super.

    There are also some fairly interesting premises that I haven't read before, which is a positive. Up to this point, the story is well written and the updates regular. Also, Fleur is characterized rather well, and isn't a mary sue.

    Not quite sure which category this should go in as it doesn't really fit into Dark Arts. I'll leave it at General Fics for now.
     
  2. T3t

    T3t Purple Beast of DLP ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Pretty thoroughly hashed to death in the Almost Recommendable thread, next time search for the story title as well. Not better than a 2/5 imo.
     
  3. Iztiak

    Iztiak Prisoner DLP Supporter

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    Most recent update killed it. Today, actually.

    Yay for "Double Animagus Forms" reveal.

    "WHOA HARRY YOU HAVE TWO ANIMAGUS FORMS? NOBOODY IN HISSSTORY HAS HAD TWO FORMS BEFORE"
     
  4. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    This is how you want to make a first impression on this site?

    Guys, you will not belieeeeeeeeeve how extraordinarily gay this story gets.

    Why is Harry a bodyguard? I don't know, but he will go out of his way to posture as a badass, except the author doesn't understand that true hard men aren't in-your-face about it. Clint Eastwood would shake his head at this little fuck. A worse version of Shezza's Harry in the Denarian series.

    Skipping ahead and paying a passing glance to chapter 9, there is a Japanese OC involved. There has not been a single fic in all of history to feature a Japanese original character to not be shit.

    In chapter 4, a whole bunch of OCs burst into the story with some god-awful banter:

    Are you fucking me? A Mongolian herdsman? With broken English? Who actually refers to himself in the third person as "Mongol" and not even his own name?

    It's just overall a horrible, slapdash way of introducing your cast of plotting villains who will presumably carry the conflict in the story. Way to not make any impression at well with your characters' entrances.

    Daphne is the "Ice Queen". Not just the fanon thin cliche, but she's literally referred to as such, in-story.

    A full 33% of this story is just the author liking cool names and titles and throwing in characters in there. I skipped forward to some later chapter and there's a guy named Prometheus. Just Prometheus.

    But behind all of this, I think the story is aspiring at a redemptive robotic-character-discovers-love storyline and arc for Harry. But Stephen Hawking might as well aspire to walk again, this story sucks so bad.

    Lastly, a cheap shot. This story is deprived of many things, but it is most certainly not deprived of shit.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2012
  5. thebrute7

    thebrute7 High Inquisitor

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    This story is bad. Really bad. It is standard super!Harry bullshit, with twin!fic crap on top, followed by bad Harry/Fleur and worse other characters. And it has been getting progressively worse.
     
  6. liam-mcgillis15

    liam-mcgillis15 Squib

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    When you put it that way, it is rather easy to see how bad it is. I hadn't read today's chapter when I posted it, so I didn't know about the dual animagus forms. To be perfectly honest, the only reason I ever opened this in the first place was the pairing, and he lack of recent good Harry/Fleur made me read it.

    I think when I realised it was a twin story I was hoping for something similar and/or on par with the Santi's HP and the Boy Who Lived. I have found myself disappointed, but slogged through it anyway for lack of anything else to read.

    Also, T3t, I will take your advise into account next time I endeavor to post something.
     
  7. Padfoot85

    Padfoot85 Sixth Year

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    Started off interesting, but went downhill very, very fast.

    It's stuff like this and the other three craptastic "recommends" in the For Review that justify having the Intro Board brought back...or at least make it so you have to be at least a first year (squib maybe?) to post fics in this section. Make the author/reviewer work for it and get a feel for this site and overall quality requirements before posting.

    My advice to the OP, you've been lurking for 3 months now....keep it up.

    1/5
     
  8. liam-mcgillis15

    liam-mcgillis15 Squib

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    I feel the need to defend myself by saying that this is one of maybe three times I've actually been on this site in 3 months. I simply haven't had time to post anything.
     
  9. Padfoot85

    Padfoot85 Sixth Year

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    So you don't come here that often, if ever. And you decided to post a fic that by your own admission you were disappointed in yet kept reading due to boredom? How is that supposed to be Library Material?

    In the words of SportsCenter C'mon Man!
     
  10. liam-mcgillis15

    liam-mcgillis15 Squib

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    I admit that it is a rather weak excuse, although I originally used this site almost daily. My antisocialness in life carries over to forums, I'm afraid. Its probably the main reason I don't usually review or corespond in any way with authors, or other people. You make good points.
     
  11. NoxedSalvation

    NoxedSalvation Temporarily Banhammered

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    I stopped reading (or rather: skipping) this after the fight scene where Harry slaughters Fleur's wannabe kidnappers/rapists but keeps that japanese Samurai!Bitch alive because he is such a "noble" slayer.:facepalm

    The author managed to trivialize even his best idea, the bodily manifestation of Harry's hate, into a sword swinging deus ex machina that reads like Darth Vader for loosers.

    2/5

    @liam-mcgillis15

    Stop excusing yourself, just stand by your rec and accept that most DLP- reviewers don't like it. Browse the library and the "Work by author" section, read some of the great fics collected there (The lie I've lived
    The Unforgiving Minute) and come back when you have lurked enough.
     
  12. Alive and Free

    Alive and Free Groundskeeper

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    @OP - you posted a shitty fic, don't try and justify it. Just accept it and move on.
     
  13. Innomine

    Innomine The Chosen One ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    The OP is actually not being a douchebag about us being douchebags to him. That's gotta be worth something at least.

    He's admitted his mistake and is trying to move on. I see no reason not to let that continue as is.
     
  14. liam-mcgillis15

    liam-mcgillis15 Squib

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    Originally, the reason I joined this forum was to ask one of the users a question. Either on a diffferent account, or as a guest, I went through the library and read pretty much anything appealing to me (ie. Lie I've Lived, Wastelands of Time, Renegade Cause) before I ever joined. At this point, I do believe that I've read most everything in the Dark Arts section, as well as nearly all the fics that appeal to me under certain pairings. I'm not trying to justify my post, but I only really remember the first couple chapters, and found it interesting at the time. I have since reread the entire thing and find that I am forced to agree with the opinions expressed here. I also understand that it was my mistake posting it on here, therefore it is pointless to be a douchebag about it. Honestly, I read so many fics that after a couple hours most of what has happened in something has slipped my mind.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2012
  15. Innomine

    Innomine The Chosen One ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Yeah, but if you're not trying to justify why you posed it, you are trying to give a reason to why you thought it was ok to post it. (Very very close to the same thing)

    And frankly, saying you read it a while back and couldn't really remember it is a pretty stupid reason to post something this bad on these forums.

    Right now, the best idea idea would be for you to just stop posting in this thread. If you want to reply to this post, do it in a PM.
     
  16. Dark Minion

    Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Don't discuss the OP any longer, please.

    The story is bad (though I would rate it 2/5) and considering the votes this thread will eventually be moved into the trash bin.

    All is said.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2012
  17. Jeram

    Jeram Elder of Zion ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    This is kind of on my pile of "readable but not good" stories. Luna in particular is just horrendous and awful.
     
  18. Churchey

    Churchey Supreme Mugwump

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    "I'm afraid you'll be disappointed, Ms. Skeeter, if you wish to use Mr. Potter's wand as a source for your articles. What he has done is both innovative in design and brilliant in creativity. Many academic circles around the magical world would be willing to part with a great deal of money to just examine his wand."

    The reporter sulked, but stayed silent.

    "Now where were we?" Ollivander returned to examining the wand, "Ah, yes. We were going to discuss how this cheats the law of magic. The answer lies within the core. All of you are familiar with blood-magic, yes? One of the strongest branches of magic known to wizarding kind. Very potent, but also extremely volatile. It is banned in many magical nations for precisely that reason. The benefits do not outweigh the costs. But in the case of this wand, I daresay it is the opposite. Blood, you see, makes for a very strong catalyst. It carries the magic in our bodies, vessels, in a way, and logic dictates that such potent a material creates powerful cores. The problem is blood is too powerful, too strong. Wood cannot contain it. Any attempts in the past mixing blood and wood have resulted in the wand rupturing under the strain, sometimes with catastrophic results. Many aspiring wandmakers, too confident in their own abilities or just plain foolish, have died when their experimentations exploded quite forcibly in their faces."

    At this, Lily let out a horrified gasp, and the two men by her side looked suddenly ill. Their reactions did not match a certain girl's however. Fleur bit her lips, clutching the sides of her chair so hard that the wood began making strangled, creaking noises. Cedric Diggory shot her an alarmed look and started edging his seat away from hers. Krum just snorted and returned to staring at the wand in Ollivander's hand.

    "I imagine, Mr. Potter, that your wand took more than one try to make," the wandmaker said gravely.

    "The first time I tried," Harry replied with a smile, "I nearly blew off my left hand."

    Both Sirius and James swore out loud. Lily staggered back, hand over her chest, breathing hard. Rita Skeeter looked delighted and actually snatched her Quick-Quotes Quill out of midair so she could add in her own choice words. Again, their reactions were outmatched by Fleur's. The quarter-Veela's fingers strained against the bottom of her chair, and soon, a visible crack ripped across the wooden seat's surface.

    Oh god, ahahahahahaha.
    I've said some about this in Almost Recommended and also when someone brought it up in the Control discussion, but this is a story with no conflict and terrible romance. When I say no conflict, I don't mean that nothing ever happens, just that the story is so stupidly unrealistic !superHarry that his solution to everything is nuking a fish in a barrel because he's just that badass.

    But he isn't really, emo cunt.

    Not worth wiping my ass with/5.
     
  19. Anarchy

    Anarchy Half-Blood Prince DLP Supporter

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  20. Diomedes

    Diomedes First Year

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    Terrible concepts coupled with even worse characterizations. It's a shame, the author at least seemed to have a decent grasp of how to use the english language correctly.

    2/5.
     
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