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Oneshot Desires of a Hallow by Zenzao - T

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by H_A_Greene, Nov 29, 2011.

  1. H_A_Greene

    H_A_Greene Auror –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

    Aug 30, 2009
    High Score:
    Title: Desires of a Hallow
    Author: Zenzao
    Rating: T
    Genre: Suspense/Horror.
    Words: 1,866
    Published: January 15, 2011

    Status: Complete.
    Library Category: Dark Arts/Alternatives.
    Pairings: James/Lily.
    Summary: There is an allure, a seductive gulf and destructive nature entwined about the wand, the stone, the cloak. It is an corruption that bleeds through them and taints all before their path. For James Potter, the will to overcome that corruption may be to much
    Link: FFN

    Stupid? Yessir, yes'm, going against the grain and contributing my own story for review.

    Reason? It's done. I'm never going to turn this into a lengthy, multi-chapter story, or even really expand upon it any further than I did just about fifteen minutes ago with some quick corrections.

    I wrote this back around the time that January was supposed to have been the Dark Arts contest, as memory serves, and it received pretty positive feedback in WBA, so here we are.

    Have at it, and thanks for reading.

    Checked by Minion, Nov. 25, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 25, 2012
  2. T3t

    T3t Purple Beast of DLP ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Jan 21, 2011
    Los Angeles
    High Score:
    I liked it when you wrote it and I still like it now. I can't say that for a lot of fics that I read 10 months ago.
  3. Peace

    Peace High Inquisitor

    Aug 17, 2011
    My computer desk
    I like this and wouldn't mind seeing it expanded.
  4. Aekiel

    Aekiel Angle of Mispeling ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Mar 16, 2006
    One of the Shires
    High Score:
    I liked it, though I noticed that you had James as a seeker, when he was actually a chaser.
  5. Nauro

    Nauro Headmaster

    Oct 20, 2011
    I don't know, something seems lacking.

    The idea about the allure is newish (there was something about it, but I haven't seen much of it, so there - an original idea.) The taint of powerful objects however is older than radio (probably not ;D) but it's done kind of correctly.

    The best part was the ending, where James speaks to his heir, signifying the inheritance of both power and drawbacks.

    The other stuff, I don't know, it feels slightly too short. There is also something that I feel is lacking for me to like it. It's good, I understand that the writing is solid, the idea has a start and a finish, but it still doesn't work for me. I don't know why. It's slightly maddening, even. Was it the too simple way of Lily falling into the flames? Was it the forgotten possible challenge of the Gaunt Ring's hidden soul?

    It should have been a page longer and maybe it would have more impact. Then, perhaps not, sometimes less is better. Usually less is better.

    So, I don't know. 3/5?
    Maybe I'll vote after I think about it again.

  6. Hawkin

    Hawkin Chief Warlock

    Apr 20, 2011
    QC, Canada
    I'll say like Naura, there is something lacking. Maybe it's the lack of details of how James acquired the ring or the wand. Maybe it's how the Lily's death happened. I'll give it a 3/5 because of the original idea and of the decent writing, but it needs more to reach 4+
  7. Teresoul

    Teresoul Seventh Year

    Mar 28, 2010
    Even though the writing was excellent and there were no grammatical mistakes, I felt as if something was missing as well.

    Although the fight between Dumbledore and James seemed entirely too difficult to believe. Dumbledore not being able to defeat a wandless James, despite having time to cast four spells, which ended up being pretty much forth year spells at that and no awesome shit at all? Come on dude, when have you read a Dumbledore scene in the books where he casts a spell and its not awesome or at least mysterious?

    Yet, that's not what bothered me the most.

    What did was the fact that you only tell us of the change in James' character and explain that it was slow and gradual, but you do not really show it. We don't even get to see the beginning of this metamorphosis, and instead we're immediately thrust near its very end, show casting the final product. Thus, the Hallows' seduction doesn't deliver any emotional impact, seeing as we don't even have a comparison between Normal!James and HallowsCrazy!James. And lacking that emotional impact renders your one-shot almost meaningless.

    So, -1 for the lack of epic!Dumbledore, -1 for the lack of character transformation, but +1 for your writing style, which I very much like. So all in all, I think a solid 4/5.

    Cheers and keep writing.
  8. Nargles

    Nargles Seventh Year

    Apr 2, 2011
    East Coast, USA
    I really like Master of Death stories, and this is one of them. As a oneshot, it's good, but if you ever change you mind and expend upon it, then it could be something of epic propertion.


    Seriously, you should definitely make it novel-lenght. I would fanboy the shit out of it. :awesome

    On a completely unrelated note, Teresoul, when are going to update Principia Princeps? It was going so well... :(
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2011
  9. Mordecai

    Mordecai Drunken Scotsman –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

    Nov 11, 2005
    High Score:
    I didn't find it particularly enjoyable, nor gripping in any way. Not library worthy.