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Destiny Remade by Mrriddler - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by TaldMar, Nov 10, 2005.

  1. TaldMar

    TaldMar First Year

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2005
    Messages:
    31
    Title: Destiny Remade
    Author: mrriddler
    Rating: M
    Category: General/Romance
    Status: DISCONTINUED
    Summary: A wiser, battle hardened Harry is thrown back in time AND into AU world. Given chance to reshape the world, but will he? Superish kick Bumblebee's arse Harry. Romance: harem, fem slash, elves, veelas... no slash. Pro Gabrielle, Lavender, Patils, Sly girls
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2595633/1/

    I think a good story so far he has 2 chapters out. They are background on the future world Harry is from. Harry was betrayed at some point became a dark lord and took over basically all mortal realms. He is also part demon.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2008
  2. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Persona 4 Admin

    Joined:
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    6,056
    Heh. Summary doesnt really do the story justice if that's what Harry become. Sounds good so i'll give it a whirl.
     
  3. Lord Osiris

    Lord Osiris Auror

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    Location:
    The land down under
    Just nailed down the current two chapters. The kids an absolute slut banging anything with a hole! like where its going though, his got power but it never mentioned him fighting...only fucking! though it's better then a lot of the fics travelling on FF net.
     
  4. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    i liked this for some reason... i dun care what you think... its .. decent... nut i still like it
     
  5. Mrriddler

    Mrriddler High Inquisitor

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    Somewhere high, somewhere low and somewhere in bet
    wow...ahm it's already being pass around I see. He, Osiris is pretty much right, though that's actually the opposite of what I had been planning. I'll definitely revamp these two chapters at some point. A few of the few characters I see disappearing at some point.

    Yeah, it makes no sense, granted. But the real story hasn't started yet...probably around chp 4 in the AU world. And I'll try to explain why Harry is basically a man whore. Two points:

    1. I want to get the major background ships in with the least number of chapters possible which left little to anything else i.e. fighting. There's no fighting now so people don't develop the impression that Harry should obliviate the AU voldie as soon as he goes over...which he could as he is right now. Way I see it, I can always toss in fireworks via flashback later.

    2. Harry's going to be gone for a long time. So naturally his girls will be getting off on each other...hence the fem slash rating (The pronouns are gonna murder me). Thought I should make Harry's last experience memorable.

    Do tell me if your impression of it changes. My fear is that once the plox becomes too complex and absorbs, I'll forget to write in any action. :wink: I'm working a fighting scene...a few actually for chapter 3.

    And thanks for the review vash. Much appreciated :p I kind of tried to be unorthadox with it so that it doesn't fall under any of the major genres. Mehe, guess we'll see. And looking forward to next chapter on your story as well.
     
  6. Lord Osiris

    Lord Osiris Auror

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    Your a good author riddle and i do like the story just hanging out for some fight scenes, can't wait for your update...how long will it be?
     
  7. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2005
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    2,921
    Yea, I liked this a lot. I have a high hopes from this story once the AU things gets rolling. First two chapters were great and all... just a little too confusing at times. Too many new characters & concepts, elves, demons and whatnot... It just didn't seem like HP universe at all.
     
  8. Mrriddler

    Mrriddler High Inquisitor

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    Your right, it's not. It's heavily innudated with Forgotten Realms/Dungeons & Dragon stuff. It's not necessary to have background knowledge though it might make sense later when I talk about the various cultures, habits and stereotypes ... i.e. why Harry's empire would have a matriarchal (except himself) leaning beacuse of Drow influence, etc.

    I got chapter 3 lined up...which has one magical fighting scene with Harry (no beef up spells though) and a physical fighting scene/cat fight... hehe. But I got crap load of essays to do, including a 7 page one tomorrow..so ha. Glad to see it's fairly well recieved thus far. Keep the reviews coming. :p
     
  9. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

    Joined:
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    Chapter 3:
    Excellent! I like the way your writting is full of sexual innuendo and passion. That's probably the highest point of your story.

    I'm not sure I like how you kept writing what's going on in the old world as well as in the new one. I would prefer to see Harry leaving his old world behind and starting his conquest anew, while slowly unlocking his powers... That would be way more interesting than him sitting with his thumbs in his arse, waiting for his girls to come and rescue him. Also, it's kinda confusing to follow the same characters in two different timelines. Now, if you'd have the girls go through the same ritual and throw them back in the AU with him, that would be something...

    As for Sirius & Remus, I'd prefer to see Sirius as a playboy and sort of a favourite rich uncle for all the kids (sex talk between him and Harry has a lot of potential). Remus should start a family of his own AND donate a few girls for Harry's harem (relationship with a wolf-girl could be cool).

    Anyway, hurry up with the next chappy, I want to see more of this AU!
     
  10. BloodRedSword

    BloodRedSword High Inquisitor DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    A place where we had caned American
    Title: Destiny Remade
    Author: Mrriddler
    Rating: M
    Genre: General/Romance
    DLP Category: AU
    Pairing: Harry/Harem[
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: Godly Harry is thrown back in time AND into AU world. He has the chance to reshape this world, save his family and old friends, but will he and should he? Demon Harry, knowsuses dark arts. NOT lightsided Harry. Romance: harem, fem slash, elves, veelas...
    Link:http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2595633/1/

    I found this when I was browsing around FF.net... Not too bad.. 4/5 But I don't think that most of you guys would agree with me...
     
  11. Klael

    Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Wow...I'm not even gonna try. I don't care how well it's written; there's no way I'm reading this. That summary kills any desire of mine to read it.
     
  12. Stalicon

    Stalicon High Inquisitor

    Joined:
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    Location:
    That one place
    If that's true, then don't post. The Summary honestly wasn't' that bad, expect for the little typos where the author ran out of room to type.

    I'll leave the real review later, sorry for taking more attention away from the story.

    ~Stal

    The real summary, as told by chapter one.

    Edit2: Dude, this hasn't been updated for TWO years, why post it if it's abandoned?
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2007
  13. The Dark Monarch

    The Dark Monarch Backtraced

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    Location:
    Stuck in the bleeding hot desert
    I thought MrRiddler had stopped writing anything.


    Will review after i read.
     
  14. Amberion

    Amberion First Year

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    Mar 6, 2007
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    28
    Don't think he has stopped writing, it's just seems that he has moved from Harry Potter to Naruto.
     
  15. M. Shadow

    M. Shadow Guest

    Seriously Unimpressed

    The very. first. paragraph.

    Spelling and grammar errors, oh let me count the ways...

    Uncapitalized first letters in sentences. Choking on barely surprised emotions? One of his friend? Her cloth? And I think there probably needs to be a comma or two added to the last sentence. Or a burning...

    Now, I'm not normally a spelling Nazi (sort of a glass houses, sledgehammers situation) but I do demand a bare modicum of editing. Which, as far as I can tell, this story has had none of. But even if you can wade through the various technical distractions, you then have to cope with the "plot". Plot being used in a tentative fashion.

    The story starts by dropping you into the middle of a post D-day world; a technique that when used properly hits you hard from the beginning, then slowly seduces you as the back story unfurls even as current action continues. When used properly. Here, we simply show up in the middle of a war, with characters whose names are familiar... and absolutely nothing else. They sure don't act like any of the characters we've met in the books. And all of this might be somewhat bearable and redeemable, if only it didn't drag on for thousands of words too long.

    Add all of that to a last update of a year and a half ago, and the strong likelihood that the next update will be approximately never, and I sincerely doubt this fic is one for the record books. Or even the library.

    I'd give it? Maybe 1/5.
     
  16. TripticWriter

    TripticWriter Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2006
    Messages:
    326
    Location:
    France
    Strangely I don't really liked it. I found that Harry is for a demon too much sentimental.

    Other problem is that the story really don't flow well, the cut between the scene are badly done and the flash back aren't well integrate in the story.

    I really don't like the fact that he keeps writing what's going on in his old world as well as in the new one. It's kind annoying because I can't bring me to care for his harem and the petty fight they have.

    Other major drawback: his french is bad, not the worst I have seen but still... For me this make the story annoying.

    So I didn't really like the 3 first chapters; the fourth was better but I can't see him updates.

    3/5
     
  17. M. Shadow

    M. Shadow Guest

    Someone reposted this fic in the "FOR REVIEW" section, and having wandered onto the site, I thought I'd do my share for promoting the cause of solicited criticism. Nonjon came by, pointed out this fic had already been reviewed, and invited us over to express our opinions here. I don't normally bump dead threads, but I noticed my opinion of the story differed in several respects from those already posted. (No offense intended). And since fics stay in the library, I figure that means opinions stay relevant. ;-)

    To restate my case:

    The very. first. paragraph.


    Spelling and grammar errors, oh let me count the ways...

    Uncapitalized first letters in sentences. Choking on barely surprised emotions? One of his friend? Her cloth? And I think there probably needs to be a comma or two added to the last sentence. Or a burning...

    Now, I'm not normally a spelling Nazi (sort of a glass houses, sledgehammers situation) but I do demand a bare modicum of editing. Which, as far as I can tell, this story has had none of. But even if you can wade through the various technical distractions, you then have to cope with the "plot". Plot being used in a tentative fashion.

    The story starts by dropping you into the middle of a post D-day world; a technique that when used properly hits you hard from the beginning, then slowly seduces you as the back story unfurls even as current action continues. When used properly. Here, we simply show up in the middle of a war, with characters whose names are familiar... and absolutely nothing else. They sure don't act like any of the characters we've met in the books. And all of this might be somewhat bearable and redeemable, if only it didn't drag on for thousands of words too long.

    Add all of that to a last update of a year and a half ago, and the strong likelihood that the next update will be approximately never, and I sincerely doubt this fic is one for the record books. Or even the library.

    I'd give it? Maybe 1/5.

    ---

    EDIT: I will admit I kind of enjoyed the last chapter, (more the possibilities I see in it), although I'm not sure it was worth slogging through the first three. Might bump it up to 2/5. Still not sure I'd have kept it in the library, especially as it seems to now be on permanent hiatus while barely at all into the story.
     
  18. Mrriddler

    Mrriddler High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2005
    Messages:
    538
    Location:
    Somewhere high, somewhere low and somewhere in bet
    The only defense I'll offer is that the story was written in the course of 3 months in 2005 without an editor what so ever. In fiction fandom, that was a while ago.

    Also back then, the community was fairly small and many gave anywhere from a bit of to extraordinary degree of leniency towards new writers who joined. I know that and I'm thankful for it. The two above critics are probably right on every account but then I honestly don't even remember the story. So meh...

    edit: Ok, I finally added the discontinued tag.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2007
  19. Verse of Darkness

    Verse of Darkness Denarii Host

    Joined:
    May 29, 2006
    Messages:
    628
    Interesting story, I love it. I only wonder what you have in store for Harry... how much different is the timeline in this universe than Canon?
     
  20. carl

    carl Slug Club Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2006
    Messages:
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    See below: :whipped:

     
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