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Dirty Jokes

Discussion in 'Real Life Discussion' started by Midknight, Dec 16, 2005.

  1. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    8,958
    Location:
    NC
    Part 1. Part 2 is vid links @ http://darklordpotter.net/forums/viewtopic.php?p=24176#24176

    -A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?"

    After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

    Wow," says the barkeep., "What did you do about it?"

    "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

    "That makes sense," remarks the barkeep., "And, what about your best friend?"

    "I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
    A licker cabinet.

    2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
    A Klondyke.

    3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
    Militia Etheridge.

    4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
    Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

    5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
    A Lickalotapuss.

    6. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
    Fur Traders.

    7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
    Well Hung.

    8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
    She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

    9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
    Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

    10. What do you call lesbian twins?
    Lick-a-likes.

    11. What's the definition of confusion?
    Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

    12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
    One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

    ---------------------------

    A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.

    He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but youve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30
    erections left in your penis."

    The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.

    He tells her what the doc told him.

    She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldnt waste that! We should make a list!"

    He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and Im afraid youre name isnt on it."

    ----------------
    Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
    Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
    "Yes, Father, 'tis I."
    "And who was the woman you were with?"
    "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
    Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
    "I cannot say Father, please."
    "Was it Patricia Kelly?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Brydie Shannon?"
    "I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
    "Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
    "My lips are sealed, Father."
    "Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration.
    "You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

    Tommy walks back to his pew.

    His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

    "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

    --------------------------

    God sends three guys to hell: an alcoholic, a sex addict, and a pot head.

    Satan asks the first guy, "why are you here?" He says, "I'm an alcoholic, I just cant quit drinking! I love alcohol too much!" Satan says, "okay, follow me." He opens a door and inside is a huge room full of alcohol - all kinds of beer, liquor, wine. He says, "Stay in this room and I'll come back for you in a hundred years."

    The alcoholic runs into the room and starts drinking everything he can get his hands on --- Satan shuts the door and locks it.

    He goes to the next guy, "what's your problem?" The sex addict replies, "I love sex! I just can't get enough of it!" Satan thinks about it and then brings him to another room filled with beautiful, sexy women. The guy runs in and starts having sex. Satan tells him he'll be back in one hundred years, shuts the door and locks it.

    He asks the pot head, "why are you here?" He says, "I can't stop smoking weed. I'm addicted to marijuana!" Satan says okay, brings him to a room filled with all kinds of marijuana, cannabis, weed --- plants everywhere with huge buds, joints, bongs, pipes, etc. The guy goes into the room and starts running through all the weed. Satan shuts the door and locks it.

    One hundred years later, Satan comes back to the three rooms. He opens the first door and the alcoholic is lying in a pool of alcohol and his own vomit. He tells Satan that he'll never drink again. Satan says, "okay, you've learned your lesson" and sends him back to earth.

    Satan goes to the next door and opens it. The sex addict comes running out the room screaming, "I'm gay! I'm gay!" Satan sends him back to earth.

    He goes to the next door and inside the pot head is sitting on the floor with marijuana around him. He looks at Satan with a tear in his eye and says, "Hey man, you got a lighter?"

    ------------------------------------

    8 year old Cindy was never the brightest girl in Sunday school because she always fell asleep.
    One day while in Sunday school the teacher asked Cindy a question," Who died to save us for all of our sins?' Cindy was asleep.
    A student named Tommy came to her rescue by poking her in the behind with a pen. She yelled," JESUS CHRIST!!!"
    The teacher said," That's correct." Puzzled, Cindy went back to sleep.
    A few minutes later, the teacher asked her another question, " Who create the heavens and the Earth?" Again Cindy was asleep and again Tommy came to her rescue by poking her with the pen again," GOD ALMIGHTY!!!"
    The teacher said once more," Very good Cindy." Cindy fell back to sleep again.
    A while later the teacher asked another question," What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?"
    Tommy poked her one more time but this time Cindy jumped up, snatched the pencil away, and said" IF YOU POKE THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!"
    The teacher fainted.

    -----------

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
    So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
    He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
    The computer then prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

    Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

    --------------------------------------

    Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London, one took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up" said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

    --------------------------

    A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

    Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

    "What's that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

    The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

    Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

    The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

    --------------------------
    A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

    The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done
     
  2. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2005
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    6,085
    Gender:
    Male
    Heh heh heh.
     
  3. Mrriddler

    Mrriddler High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2005
    Messages:
    538
    Location:
    Somewhere high, somewhere low and somewhere in bet
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

    Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

    *points* *nods*

    lol good shit mid.
     
  4. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    8,958
    Location:
    NC
    Ty, none of them are my own, simply cut and paste jobs off the net, but I did happen upon them while spending like 2 hours looking for good vid clips to share.
     
  5. Mrriddler

    Mrriddler High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2005
    Messages:
    538
    Location:
    Somewhere high, somewhere low and somewhere in bet
    Thanks for sharing. The last good ones I looked at where the cows and political systems...I think.
     
  6. DaytonDeusBlack

    DaytonDeusBlack Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2005
    Messages:
    272
    Location:
    Mumbai, India
    Cool

    You guys should check out www.wimp.com
    It's got audio, video, pics and text jokes.

    Not all of them are dirty jokes but meh..
     
  7. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    8,958
    Location:
    NC
  8. DaytonDeusBlack

    DaytonDeusBlack Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2005
    Messages:
    272
    Location:
    Mumbai, India
    filecabi.net is the coolest site!
     
  9. Cervus

    Cervus Raptured to Hell

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2005
    Messages:
    849
    Location:
    Manchester, England.
    Q Why are women like a hurricane?

    A When they come their wet and wild and when they go they take half your house with them.
     
  10. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

    Joined:
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    Location:
    NC
    ROFL
     
  11. DGD

    DGD Headmaster

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2005
    Messages:
    1,075
    Location:
    Wisconsin, USA
    Heh heh. Nice.
     
  12. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Administrator Admin

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2005
    Messages:
    9,181
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    People's Republic of California
    Ouch :lol:
     
  13. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

    Joined:
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    6,085
    Gender:
    Male
    Haha, nice.
     
  14. Silent

    Silent Kinky Wench

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    411
    Location:
    Hiding
    Hey!
     
  15. Miss Selarne

    Miss Selarne Sixth Year

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2005
    Messages:
    176
    Location:
    Dream Land
    Just ignore them Silent. They've always been like that (or at least since I joined.) Just go with it and try to see it from a guy's point of view.
     
  16. Silent

    Silent Kinky Wench

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    411
    Location:
    Hiding
    Meh, I'm trying to act mad - I'm not really.
    It's just fun to act offended.
    Taking offense to rude statements is part of my 5-step program to stand up for myself. It isn't working too well.
     
  17. Cervus

    Cervus Raptured to Hell

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2005
    Messages:
    849
    Location:
    Manchester, England.
    I got another!

    Q - Why do women have legs?

    A - Have you ever seen the mess a snail makes?
     
  18. DGD

    DGD Headmaster

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2005
    Messages:
    1,075
    Location:
    Wisconsin, USA
    I got some here.


    Little Johnny was at Sunday school one day, and the nun that was
    teaching him asked the class, which part of your body do you think reaches heaven first?
    A girl named Sally answered with ’I think the hands are the first part of your body that reaches heaven because God will pull you up by your hands because you pray with them everyday’. That’s an excellent answer Sally replied the nun. ’I think your legs go first!’ said Little Johnny, the nun, confused asks ’why do you think that?’ and Little Johnny says, ’because the other day I walked into my mums room, she had her legs in the air and she was screaming "Oh God I’m coming!" if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down, we would’ve lost her’.
    The nun fainted...



    A teacher asks her class, ’’If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them,
    how many will be left?’’ She calls on little Johnny.
    ’’None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.’’

    The teacher replies, ’’The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’’

    Then Little Johnny says, ’’I have a question for YOU.

    There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
    scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
    the ice cream. Which one is married?’’

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ’’Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked
    the cone.’’

    ’’The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking!!’’




    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

    The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

    Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

    The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

    "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

    Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

    The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room,

    and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

    Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

    Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlies wife while he's in Chicago"




    A woman walks down a street one day and runs into a man. The man says " my your hair smells good today" the
    woman then says "yeah OK" the next day on her way home she runs into the same guy, the guy again says, " my
    your hair smells good today" by this time the girl was freaked out, so she went to the police station and told the
    police man that she wanted to file harassment charges on the man on the street. The police man says "OK, for what
    mam" the lady says " well everyday I go the same way home and on this street this man says that my hair smells
    good" "I don't see a problem with that, he's just being nice," the officer says. So the lady got a little mad and
    says " well it is harassment when because he's a midget." "Ohhhh."


    A man bought a bull from a local man. He was having trouble getting the bull to breed so he asked the man he bought it from. The man said "just stick your fingers into the cows vagina and rub it on the bulls nose, he will get hard immediately." Ok, so he goes home and tries it, sure enough the bull goes wild and scrumps the shit out of the cow. That night the man is laying in bed and thinks that he might get his dick up if he tried the same trick with his wife. So when shes sleeping he reaches over and sticks his fingers in her vagina, he rubs them under his nose and sure enough, here comes his hardon. So he wakes her up and says " Honey, look!" She rolls over and says "Big deal, you got a bloody nose."



    A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house.
    She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

    "But you’re naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

    "Love dress? But you’re naked!"

    "My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me."

    The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

    He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

    "Needs ironing," he said. "What’s for dinner?"
     
  19. Giovanni

    Giovanni God of Scotch

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2005
    Messages:
    8,655
    Location:
    Gilligan's Island
    One day a man walked into a bar, and he noticed a jar of 10 dollar bills behind the counter. His curiosity piqued he asked the bartender why there was a jar full of 10's behind him.

    The bartender replied "put in a 10 and I will tell you."

    The man put a 10 into the jar.

    "Now" the bartender continued "if you want to get the contents of the jar you must complete for me these tasks three."

    "First you must drink an entire gallon to Tequila without changing your facial expression."

    "Your nuts" the man said. However after a drink or five our lightweight friend slurred "gimme tha fuckin tequila."

    The bartender nervous that the man might die gave him the tequila and promplty called an ambulence, only to return to the man and see that not only had the man chugged the entire gallon of tequila, but there were witnesses to verify it.

    "Now what do I haaavve to do?" the now piss-drunk man slurred."

    "Very well" replied the nervous bartender, "first you must go into the back alley where you will find a pit bull with a sore tooth, pull the tooth then; there is a 90 year old prostitute in the attic who has never had an orgasm in her life... Make things right for her."

    "okaaaay" slurred the man as he did a drunken 4 step in the general direction of the bars back exit.

    After 10 minutes of drunken shouting, angry yells, grunts, and primal screams the bartender was nervous, not only had the man not returned but the ambulence had showed up outside. Just as the EMT's entered the bartender saw the man staggering back into the bar through the back entrance. He was bloody and cut all over.

    "CHRIST man are you okay?" Said the bartender concerned for the mans health.

    "Oh sure... I'm fiiiine." slurred the man... "Now where's the old lady with a sore tooth?"
     
  20. Arthellion

    Arthellion Lord of the Banned ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2017
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    742
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    High Score:
    2398
    What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

    You get your palm red for free.
     
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