Most Fanfiction sites only allow so many words in your summary - it makes truly understanding whether or not you want to read the story from just glancing at the summary difficult. But we've all, over time, consciously or subconsciously built up a library of what certain words or phrases will come to mean for the story involved.

And that's the purpose of this thread. Not a serious one, mind you but one that I thought might be interesting and perhaps, if we're lucky, enjoyable.

An example of how it should be done can be found below:

The first sentence intrigues you and all you can really gain from it is that this story's probably going to be AU and the characters will undoubtedly be OOC. The second one confirms this hunch and tells you it's going to follow the usual "Harry Bash" that is prevalent in these stories and that Lily and James will have little to no real plausible characterisation. Dumbledore may be another such character.

The final part - "Snape mentors Harry later" - has a keyword in it: "mentor." It's kind of like i before e, except after c unless it's weird - mentor is perfectly fine in most instances but because Snape is before it and Harry is after it, this means that Harry will have his ass brutally violated sometime in his 6th or 7th year by Snape.

Anywho, that's just an example. You can drop in anything - it doesn't even have to be this long - and I encourage you all to do it without having read the story, prior to decoding. Bonus points if you do find out if you're right afterwards, however.

Since this is a story by DebsTheSnapeFan, I almost don't have to check.

 

I always joke that if you want to read slash or shitty HP fics, go click the 'What's New?' section on FF.Net.

How ashamed am I to be so right.

.

The first two words send up my 'don't read' flag. Original characters in summaries are bad ideas, and if they're alliterative, it's even worse. Severus Snape is alliterative. That's fine. But if I see a Tamara Touchbase, I drop the story like a sack of bricks. Next: 'a famous singer'. Uh oh. Fact: All Ginny-Sues are self-inserts. Anyone who is described as famous and is actually in a story with an OC in it is a Ginny-sue.

So so far, we know that this is going to be a brutal fic already. Yet now Voldemort is forcing her (well, if you spend a minute to decode the spelling errors) to deliver Harry to him. PROBLEM! She loves Harry! I don't even need the next sentence to know that this is the situation. One of these days, I'd love to see 'She is tasked to return Harry to Voldemort, but there is one problem: Ron Weasley has killed Harry Potter. Now she must attempt to bring his inanimate corpse back to her Lord so that he may kill Potter again. WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S XOVER.'

ANGST!!!

What happens when she takes the Dark Mark by force? Here's where the options can open up for such talented writers. Voldemort's sex slave, or just unwilling captive? The possibilities are endless, but most people should be shot before they make the choice. Effect his plan? Doubtful. Affect? Potentially. Is the whole thing a set-up? Oh, of course. That's the line that gets me and makes me read it. Is the author being a troll, or is there actually a catch?

Actually, no. I won't read this, because I've seen the author's name.

Torture by kash30032000.

 

Ooh, what a fun idea!

Here's a random sampling:
The Grand Essentials in Life

Seems simple enough, merely a review whore with no ability to read or write English... OR IS IT?

A clearly implication that "sucking" will go on in the story involving "pizza" (note that "I" and "l" look quite similar).

That's right, PizzaMan Harry - you just GIVE IT TO ME.

Try say this three times fast. You'll notice it begins to sound like "a trial"! That's right, because Harry will GIVE IT TO someone while eating a pizza, while being "sucked" at a trial. Hey, that kinda sounds interesting.

Clearly meant to be ironic - or perhaps it's the OTHER form of "read", as in "I've already read it" - or MAYBE it's a clever ruse to imply that the streets will run "red" with blood after Harry's pizza sucking GIVING IT TO trial.



Janine Parks and the terrible curse by moonlight770

Again, on the surface this seems obvious - a self-insert MarySueish story that is clearly infantile and pandering... OR IS IT?

Wait, but if "Janine" is an ordinary girl, but not a famous and respected fanfic author, IT IS JUST A PERSON WITH THE SAME NAME. Not only that, but she has been "cursed" - cursed to have the same name as an obviously clever and witty fanfic author.

Doesn't "who"? As in "Horton Hears a Who"? GENIUS! An incredibly subtle reference that indicates that our dear heroine "Janine" is suffering from a malady where she DOESN'T hear "who's". Clearly this wracks the girl with guilt immeasurable.

Ha ha! Oh, "JANINE", you clever minx! Baiting us with a tantalizing taste of time travel tricanery? How DELIGHTFUL. For who among us, given a mere glimpse of "When could it be?" could ever hope to resist clicking that link?

COULD IT BE? A meta-self-referential hidden message to the readers? It's subtle, but I think I picked it out - I think the author wants us to read the story for our OWN benefit. How truly magnanimous of her! Thank you Janine, THANK YOU.

Pfew, delving into the secrets of these brilliant fanfics has quite taxed me. Additional decoding will have to wait for another day.

-J

 

Bah! No time, but this is a HILARIOUS thread.

Big up yourselves, both you guys.

Laugh Out Loud funny. No joke. I got odd looks from people. Jeram, yours was especially funny.

 

This thread isn't work safe. I almost spit out what I was drinking onto the person in front of me - which just so happened to be my boss.

 

Not that I want to take away from the genius of the first two replies, I feel compelled to add my thoughts. Actually, just one: the gang. While I know that I may have missed out on some good stories because their summary used the "phrase of proverbial death" in my book, I just can't bring myself to read something that screams "omgz frendz 4eva!" relationship up ahead. Now this might be a dangerous generalization, "the gang" really just implies all that I have come to hate in the world of fanfiction (mainly problemless friendships, dark = evil, the collective death of characterization (all three of the Golden Trio will be interchangable after two chapters) and Harry's love will save the day. Don't get me wrong, the Love = Deus Ex Machina idea can be used efficiently (though rarely ever is), usually only when Harry has all but forgotten how to love.

Now I'm on to bigger and better things, such as trying to find a magicalcreature!harry that doesn't involve latent male veela abilities being synonymous with latent homosexual tendencies.

 

Tell me if you find anything sparky.

 

I just looked at sparky's post.. and all I saw was a big block of writing.

 

"Post HBP"

Well there is my sign right there to not read it. The chance of a good Harry character is nearly impossible after HBP

 

I saw this and wept for the fate of fanfiction.

 

Rob should do another. His was the best.

Although, Bio's was good too. Gah! Need more, (and too busy at the moment myself)

 

Seems to me like a standard Harry/Draco fudgepacking fic.

But maybe there's more to it... Okay. Let me try this. So...

The porphecy, possibly a new invention allowing gay men the experience of childbirth from the privacy of their own hospital room. To use the porphecy, all you have to do is insert it into the rectal cavity, and then do what comes naturally! Well, except you're doing it to a man.

Something about Dementors kissing each other, Darth Vader, and four castles being merged into one with the help of Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and Carol Smillie using a jazz orchestra, a heap of paint, lots and lots of MDF, and a dollop of ketchup.

A secret relationship between Dumbledore and Voldemort? Or Harry and Voldemort? That can't be right; Harry's supposed to be with Draco! Maybe it's Ron and Voldemort. They were made for each other.

I'm pretty sure I didn't get it right. Or I botched it.

 

Ok. Let's try.

The headline indicates the story might deal with a less important canon character. However, so many ff.net authors really suck at titles so this must not be taken too serious. And indeed the analysis will show in this case it is slightly misleading.

But the adjective 'overlooked' is also
a) a first small MarySue alarm: it could point towards an ugly duckling, suddenly filling out in all the right places and / or developing or revealing some hidden special abilities
b) a hint for angst: 'overlooked' bears elements of 'misunderstood', 'rejected', etc.

Female author: The odds are
8:2 that the story contains an unbearable amount of pointless fluff.
7:3 she never read the books and didn't understand the movies

If the summary wouldn't indicate that it's not slash, then I would expect:
6:4 that the story contains a slash pairing
5:5 that it's either HP/DM or SS/HP or RL/SB or all three

Snape mentioned as first word of a summary is most likely ooc and far away from canon!Snape

He seems to play a major rule in this story ... see above ...

Alert – Alert – Alert – MarySue-Alarm – Alert – Alert – Alert

(To avoid that some female members cut my balls off: I think in the HP-Universe it is entirely possible that a young woman is magically gifted – it is the fact that it is mentioned in the summary that cries MarySue)

BINGO – It's just another translation of 'American exchange student'

Timeline: Does it follow HBP? Then it's during year seven, and Snape is a wanted murderer – but with everything already mentioned above it is likely the story completely disregards canon.

see above ... and Snape considering to protect someone besides himself is already out of character.

Alert – Alert – Alert – Fluff-Ahead – Alert – Alert – Alert

Angst ahead: She – the magically gifted young woman – is obviously suddenly surrounded by bad guys who only want to do ... stuff ... with her ... also another hint towards the ugly duckling suddenly developing boobs or so.

BINGO – Fluff Ahead. Snape wants to nail her and has to restrain himself.

That's a rhetorical question. Of course Snape can't restrain himself for long. One day he washes his hair (another occ-scene) and the poor thing falls for him. Or he simply rapes her – but that would be way too much in character. But at this point every reader knows he won't restrain himself. It's obvious for all who notice the '?'. Only the author believes someone might cry 'OMGOSH – CAN HE?'


Altogether: A MarySue/Snape feast with some angst and loads of fluff.

The crosscheck: In such a case it is easy. Just look into the last reviews:

Well, yeah, need I say more?

 

Well, Good for Celeste. I'm sure she'll be very Happy with the greasy-vegetable-cutter.

 

As requested, here is another exercise in giving a translation for sheer idiocy. They say it takes one to know one, but generally people who make those generalizations are the one in the first place.

First, let's look at the author's name. deathbycurtain? That gives us an approximate age of 12-15. A pretty broad range, no? Well - we also know that the author is a female. Why? Because no male cares about Fred, nor will y care about his secret lover old friend. This narrows it down even further. She can't be 12, because at that age - in my experience - girls are still picturing their forthcoming marriage to royalty. That leads, and credibly, in my opinion, the fact that the author is a 14-year old girl (as 15 year-old girls, regardless of what they look like can and probably are having sex, so they're too busy to be writing shitty Harry Potter stories).

Secondarily, the title itself is of momentous importance. Lips of an Angel? Aha! The Author strikes us with her first double-entendre! Very clever. We don't know which set of lips the author intends - but wait! The author is a 14-year-old girl. We can safely conclude that she intends the lips. To think that the author would think of the sexual connotation of that phrase is nonsensical. She's 14, after all. Nonetheless, the ironic contrast between the author's name and the name of the story underscores the theme of death; namely, this is the reader's imminent death.

Fred, Fred, Fred. This is a secondary character, who is often portrayed as smarter than his brothers and more guileful, which immediately tells us the authorial intent in writing this story. That is, of course, the conveyance of mindless fluff - but wait! Fred is GETTING A CALL. Of course, this is a mindless error, right? Fred, wizard, blood-traitor if ever, but not exactly from a family wise on Muggles. A call - a telephone call? Intrigue, baby. What exactly is the call? Is it truly a telephone call, or is it a bird call? FRED/FAWKES. But wait! An old friend! Truly an affirmation of the author's genius; how often does one see two double-entendres in a summary? Of course, it could mean that Fred has known the friend for a long time, but I THINK NOT!

What else could an old friend apply to, then? Well, the answer is staring you in the face. Bird calls is the hint, and Lips of an Angel is the second. Which character owns a bird and is seen - perhaps metaphorically, perhaps otherwise - as an angel? Dumbledore! His name, Albus, means white, which is clearly in line with the angelic symbolism.

I think it's only fair to conclude that this is going to be Fred/Dumbledore slash. Of course, I could be wrong, but I wouldn't put it past the author (she is a fourteen-year-old girl, after all (all deference to the awesome ones we have here)).

No, really. It was Fred/Hermione. It was a telephone call. And it was an utter piece of shit.

 

This seems to be a story of two people who suck coming together to suck that much more.

The author seems to find both pain and pleasure from this story, is she some sort of Masochist. Does this imply a BDSM!Ginny? No it couldn't be...

Aha, it's a romance, so pain can't be involved... unless it's enjoyed by both parties, so it must be a BDSM!Draco.

Circles, circles are also known as rings. Society, it can be used to describe a group of people or a race. Have Draco and Ginny stumbled upon a BDSM!Saturn Rings Race. Wait, race, is it possible this could be a Speed Racer crossover?

Obviously clashing, when said by a Japanese person would sound like "Obvious Re Crashing". How unexpected, Draco and Ginny will travel back in time to watch the pain of the racers crashing to restart their cooling passion.

Oh no, when their real eyes, does this mean Ginny wears color contacts?

Now that Draco can see her real eye color, will Draco ever hurt Ginny again, or will she have to throw herself down the stairs to get her jollies?

Holy Hell. This is Canony. Does this person have secret correspondence with JKR when she's on a drunken rant? Does she have insider info on a D/G 7th book?

That's exactly the question I want to ask. What is the relationship between this writer and our drunken JKR. No it's just not possible. Could this be JKR's pseudonym for those vodka days, martini nights, and bloody mary mornings?

You be the judge.

 

Harry Potter and the Third Way by confusedcowuk reviewsAU SSHP No HBP ReWrite In a world torn between two powerful wizards a child of prophecy struggles to escape the manipulations of one and the lure of the other. With the help of his friends he attempts to find The Third Way Independant!Harry DumbledoreBa

Translation: An Unbelievably Super Sized Harry Potter refuses to have anything to do with Heroin, Booze, and Pot. The later one probably because he blames the constant munchies for his gargantuan girth.

Now the uninitiated would assume that the author has simply gone nuts with capitalization, but that is not the case. In actuality each capitalization marks an alternate start to the sentence.

So first we have Re a world torn. But if you say it carefully it is "Rita world torn" meaning that the Wizarding World is formed in likeness to Rita Skeeter and its torn!

Next is Write a world torn. Which is obviously a challenge to readers to make a fic using similar parameters.

Lastly, is In a world torn which is the one that most people catch.

But, the true genius is that all three stories are being incorporated at once, one of which the author should not know the details of at the time that it is written. Brillant!

Since the first is obviously Dumbledore, the second must be Voldemort who is a professional Fly Fisherman.

Obviously the next logical step after he found the second way independent Harry. Hopefully, this one can convince the obese Harry to stick to his exercise regiment. Note because the numerous capitalized words are at the end of the sentence they exist only for emphasize.

Most would assume that this is meant to say Dumbledorebashing but was cut off. Again they would be wrong, because in this story Dumbledore is neither a wizard, human, nor even a reptiloid. That is is in fact Dumbledore baa and he is a sheep operative and we know the gist of why he is in the position that he is in!

And that is all the time we have for Quack Note's Literary Analysis of the Great Fan Fictions, until next time.

 

Translation: Harry will do anything he wants, without care for a real plot, and he will have anything he wants, without the restraints of a believable level of wealth. Plus, he's going to be be sappy beyond the point of just being romantic, and within a minute of confessing his ardent admiration for Ginny, will give her either a promise ring, a phoenix or a vault of her own. Also, a broom, so she can outshine all her brothers.

This author has, in the last few weeks, posted some eight or nine stories on FicWad, all with similar premises. Unfortunately, they all suck.