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Oneshot Draco's Adventure by nurgle.devoutee - M

Discussion in 'Review Board' started by Paradise, May 29, 2018.

  1. Paradise

    Paradise Seventh Year DLP Supporter

    Jun 21, 2015
    Title: Draco's Adventure
    Author: nurgle.devoutee (Zombie)
    Rating: M
    Genre: Horror
    Status: Oneshot
    Library Category: the Alternates
    Pairings: Draco/Astoria
    Summary: Summary: It's to be expected in a place as old as Malfoy Manor, that dark things lurk in long-forgotten corners. Astoria, newly betrothed and not entirely happy, takes up exploring her new home. There are secrets to be uncovered, not all of them pleasant, and she might just learn something about Draco along the way.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12718414/1/Dracos-Adventure

    Alright for those of you who haven't read it, this is the latest work of the illustrious, Zombie. Post war Draco and Astoria get married, but all is not that it seems, Astoria finds something hidden in a forgotten storage room, and she changes, growing more and more distant.

    Fic itself is technically correct and has been through WbA at this point, the characterizations feel right, and the setting certainly feels magical.

  2. momo

    momo DA Member

    Jan 19, 2017
    High Score:
    I agree with Paradise in saying that this is a good story from a technical perspective. I just didn't find myself too captivated with the plot of this fic. It probably comes down to my tastes but I wasn't really interested.

    I'm not going to leave an actual rating as I don't believe that it would be fair to zombie but this def won't be everyone's cup of tea. I'm sure that if it is what you're looking for, you'll enjoy it substantially more than I did.
  3. theimmortalhp

    theimmortalhp Second Year

    Mar 22, 2015
    I actually read this a while back but hadn't realized Zombie wrote this lol. Definitely enjoyed it a lot at the time, and unlike momo I actually found the topic engaging. Interesting takes on the Draco/Astoria relationship are always welcome in my book. And though I don't generally enjoy horror, this was entertaining.

    A little bit of the dialogue was overly stilted given the situation, but I'd say that most of it was on point in terms of awkward Draco and such. The shift in Astoria's personality from her to the succubus worked pretty well imo.

    The other minor thing I'd complain about is that the beginning, middle, and end markers were unnecessary because it's fairly clear to the reader just through the structure of the piece and the plot.

    4/5, a good, short read
  4. Selethe

    Selethe Don't Assume My Gender

    Feb 13, 2012
    With transparency in mind, I will say I did beta/soundboard for this fic. But I agree that this is a 4/5. Definitely library worthy.

    I read it again for the first time in a few months and enjoyed it. In fact, it reads much better than I remember. Zombie has a way of capturing a sense of atmosphere, and his descriptions are vivid without being overwrought. Draco and Astoria both have complex, realistic characterizations-- I've seen stories with hundreds of thousands of words not being able to pull off what he did in only 10k. I very much like the small details here: Tabby snapping his fingers to summon four more house elves and then all of them snapping their fingers in tandem, Astoria not being able to light her wand at first, doxy bites, etc.

    An issue I have is that I think this story feels a bit too drawn out, but I can't pick out exactly what I'd cut. Everything has meaning and a place. Maybe combine the scene where Draco's reading his grandfather's journals with the breakfast scene (reading at the table). Shorten the succubus pov (I like this scene the least-- I think it reveals too much). The dialogue is also stilted at times, particularly Tabby the house elf's. Succubus!Astoria's characterization also feels jarringly inconsistent. I get that the monster oscillates between trying to pretend to be Astoria to not caring but while I was reading I just wasn't liking the execution of it. At the end we realize the succubus eats brains (and gets their memories, presumably) and it's possible the personalities of all the people the succubus has eaten are conflicting within it and showing up at odd times, but i'm still meh about it.

    On a technical note, this story pulls off omniscient pov which is hard to do. It feels natural. The prose does have some rough spots (e.g. "He knows enough about his grandfather to know he doesn't want to understand he doesn't wish to encounter what the man had in store for unwanted guests") and a few weirdly placed commas. But that's all surface level.

    Last edited: May 30, 2018
  5. Halt

    Halt 1/3 of the Note Bros.

    May 27, 2010
    Like biebergril99999, I also "betaed" this.

    If by beta you mean "took a chainsaw and hacked away at Zombie's precious words liberally".

    The biggest drawback for me, to this day, remains the headers that segment the story. They're jarring to see and don't add anything to the story. Furthermore, these mini-titles aren't particularly striking and kind of bleeds some of the tension / horror away from the scenes by showing their hand too early.

    His use of omniscient pov, present tense is an interesting choice. I don't care much for the style, and probably couldn't have read this story if it were 20k words or longer, but it works well enough that I could manage it for a story of this length. For a pov style that almost always makes me insta-drop stories, it's something.

    Some lines are also jarring for how awkward they're phrased. There's a tendency for sentences to go on longer than they need to be, where brevity would be better.

    The attempt at horror I'm of two minds about. It wasn't actually terrifying to me, but that may be because I don't care for Draco or Astoria as characters (and horror is difficult for the same reason that romance is - you actually have to give a shit about the characters for there to be emotional impact as a reader). The choice of omniscient third person also kind of detracts a bit from here, because it comes as no surprise when Astoria-succubus kills Draco. I think it might have been better never to actually reveal her thoughts so that the Draco-kill off would have more of an impact.

    Despite my criticisms, these are, for the most part, me being nit-picky. It is a fairly respectable effort and the story does not make me want to kill someone.

    3.5/5, rounding up to 4/5.
  6. CareOtters

    CareOtters Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

    Jun 8, 2010
    Lemme just leave this here.