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Entry #2

Discussion in 'Q4 2020' started by Xiph0, Dec 16, 2020.

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  1. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Yoda Admin

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    The corridor echoed with the clattering of claws on cobblestones. The cold was kept carefully away not just by her sleek, clever coat, but by the cozy wrapping of contentment which curled around her, from her claws to her calico ears. She was curious, she was cantankerous, but most of all she was clever. It was her cleverness which had finally come to its culmination for this year, creating the warm, comforting coo which coalesced in her chest as she crept through the castle.

    There were no other cats in Hogwarts quite so skilled as Mrs. Norris, and she knew this quite well. No other cat had the experience with tracking, the lifetime of experience in stealth, the necessary vicious backbone required to truly rule the school.

    The hallways, the secret tunnels, all the castle’s secrets bore themselves before her as the servant before its rightful queen. She had a fine ear for mischief and a sharp nose for trouble. It was her sacred duty to put these to use in the aid of her lifelong companion, Argus, to keep all these rotten children in their place.

    Rotten children who wouldn’t recognize her royal nature or show respect to their betters if it swiped them across the nose with outstretched claws and a hiss in the face, which even the Headmaster couldn’t prove she had actually done to that dreadful blonde boy.

    Those nasty, dirty, wizardlings weren’t her focus this evening, though. Her Argus, sweet, crotchety man that he was, was more than enough to handle those fool children and whatever tomfoolery they were running headlong into. For tomfoolery it surely was, Mrs. Norris would know. She’d spent more than enough time with tomcats to tell.

    No, she had a far more important, valuable quest to complete. The finale in a dance played out between herself and her foes for most of this school year.

    Elves. Stinking, nasty, whimpering elves. But most egregiously this year, was thieving elves. Sneaking into places they didn’t belong, stealing things which weren’t theirs to take, simpering all the while. Mrs. Norris’s purr almost transformed itself into a roiling growl until she recalled just how close she was to satisfaction.

    Stalking her way through her final secret passage, she paused to listen around the corner.

    “Whistles while we works. Whistles while we works. Do do do do do.” The faint, off key singing of the pitiful creature was muffled by the door which led her across the hall as she exited onto the seventh floor. Before her, her final obstacle loomed large. She glared balefully at the absurd looking creature; not a single one of the trolls she had seen or vanquished had ever worn a tutu.

    While the castle bowed before her as its queen, it would not open doors for her. It had too much respect for her skill and cleverness to do so, though in this instance she felt her hackles rise at the irritation.

    She stalked and circled the door, lit by the firelight of this secret tunnel, doing her best to ignore the sad excuse for singing emanating from the other side. Oh, how she wished this door would open for her with a mere wandering back and forth three times. She eyed the door and decided to try being safe.

    It did not open for her, as expected. At least the castle showed her some respect.

    Her options lay before her, and she considered them carefully. She could wander from the door, find a small or large wizardling, or even a professor and lure them back here, forcing them to open the door for her. This was both demeaning and time consuming, so likely not the best option. She could feign ignorance, scratch at the door like a common house cat, and hope the simple-minded fools within fell for her ruse. Yet this was not much of a challenge and pretending for even a moment to be a silly wizardlings pet made her fur feel dirty, her tongue itching to clean herself.

    No, far safer to simply open the door herself. No small task, certainly, as she was not as young as she once was. Perhaps more demeaning than she’d prefer, to be seen leaping, but no one was in the hall to observe her.

    Sprint, coil, and leap! She haunches extended as she flew through the air, claws outstretched towards her prize, the handle glinting in the firelight of the hallway enticingly. Her soft, supple paws threatened to slip off the brass, but she sunk he claws in and let her momentum twist the handle.

    Arms strained, the satisfying squeal of the door hinges as it creaked brought her much joy. All these years later, and she still had it. She landed gently on the ground all four paws hitting in tandem and swished her tail coyly as she stalked in the room.

    Trash. Trash, and broken items, scattered about haphazardly with no rhyme or reason, as far as her clever cat eyes could see. Her ears flicked and her nose twitched, zeroing in on her prey.

    “Step up to the work, it ain't no disgrace, just pull up your sleeves, and get up in place, and go blud-dle-ud-dle-ud-dle Ud-dle-um-dum.”

    Crouched low, Mrs. Norris approached. She peered through two stacks of refuse, broken desks and abandoned knick knacks, as she spotted a singular, lone elf. His large, triangular ears flopped back and forth, occasionally blocking his peripheral line of sight. His loud, off key screeching which masqueraded as singing helped cover the barely audible padding of her paws on the stone floor.

    She circled, waiting for the right vantage point and perfect moment to pounce. Patience was her oldest and truest skill in a hunt like this one. She had waited all year for the information which led her hear, she would wait a while longer if need be.

    There! That distinctive glint of silver, the familiar shape now in her sight, the foolish creature had brought her treasure out into the open! She pounced, flying through the air with claws outstretched, silent as the night in the moment before the witching hour struck.

    “Ahhh!” yelled the foolish, grey creature as he scrambled backwards slightly. Mrs. Norris felt the swell of success as the trinket fell beneath her grasp, under the claws on the floor. She had no time to waste on self-congratulation, however. This fight was far from over.

    “Bad Missy Norris, bad! You be trying all year to steal away the silver, but we’s is just trying to polish it! We’s elves is doing our jobs, and you’s be always interrupting. Bad!”

    How she loved when her villains monologued. Their incessant desire to explain their evil plot gave her so much time to prepare her escape! A dip of her head brought the trinket’s chain looped around her beck, and she clasped the trinket within her jaw. She darted forwards, quick as she could to escape the evil elf, but felt the tight hold of magic grip her before her made her escape.

    “Silly kitty, trying to run from Flippy. Elves is having magic! You can’t be running from us. Now just be giving us back the trinket so we can be polishing it, and we’ll let you go back to your catty business.”

    She felt unduly reminded of a hag reaching out towards her as she glared balefully at the elf’s hand reaching towards her. Levitated by a elf’s cleaning magic or a hag’s spell felt no different, although the consequences varied in severity. While a hag would only chop her up into ingredients to toss into the cauldron, and snack on the leftover bits, this insufferable elf was threatening to take back her treasure. She would take the hag any day.

    But experience was a wise teach, and Mrs. Norris was rather clever, seeing as she was a cat. She had not darted away from the elf, oh no. Mrs. Norris knew well the powerful nature of magic such as this and knew that running away would only delay the inevitable.

    Mrs. Norris had attempted to dash past the elf. As such, when he had caught her up in his silly magic spell and levitated her, she was right next to him. Had he caught her far enough away, he might have levitated the trinket right off her neck and she would have been defeated. But seeing as she was so close, the silly little thing reached out his hand to steal it away.

    She dropped open her jaw, allowed the trinket to hang from the chain wrapped around her neck, and sunk her fangs deep into the evil creature’s hand.

    “Yowch! Missy Norris, bad kitty!” the creature howled. Mrs. Norris wasted no time, swiping out with a claw to blind her foe, counting her success from the drawn blood and the shriek of pain, before dipping her head to once more pick up the trinket and high tailing it out of the room.

    Stealth and speed played against each other in tandem as she worked her way back to her Argus as quickly as possible without drawing attention to herself. Those foolish elves would be up in arms by now but would likely only be using magic to track her. Once more, she had outsmarted her foe. Par for the course, for a cat such as her.

    She heard the shuffling gait of her Argus, encumbered as he was by the tools of his trade. Shovel in hand, sack over shoulder, muck ridden he ambled back into the castle.

    “I swear, sweetness, those kids wouldn’t be out and about after dark in the castle if they knew what real trouble was. Kissing in cupboards, sneaking in hallways, bah. They think these castle walls can save them, but the forest is closer than they think. I sent more than three kids to bed on my walk out to the forest tonight.”

    Mrs. Norris purred her appreciation for his skill, wrapping herself in and around his legs, a comforting figure eight he was so used to.

    “What’s this, dearest? A treat, for me?” He knelt low and reached his hand out, and as she normally did when he gave her a treat, she licked the scars that crisscrossed his palm. She knew they led up and down the rest of his arm, interspersed with bite marks and burns, but a gentle lick at the palm was all she could offer. Not enough, certainly, but every little thing she could do helped.

    A show of support Mrs. Norris knew Argus appreciated, but not enough. Never enough.

    “Oh my,” he breathed in “you found it. Oh, my sweet, what a clever puss you are. I knew you had it in you, I did. Never doubted you for even a moment.”

    Mrs. Norris purred, deep in her chest a rumbling of contentment. She nuzzled her ears up against his shin as she gave her a good, deep scratching.

    “Definitely mine, the silver burns just the same. I remember still the priest I filched this cross off of. Saved meself more than once with this, I did. Always with a bit of clever help from you, of course, dearest.”

    He stood from his squat and stretched his neck with a large pop. “Follow me, Mrs. Norris. That old bat Quirrel has got it in his head to trek into Albania to hunt vampires before trying out for the Defense position next year. The fool’s got spooked by one of the ghosts in his classroom the other day; wasn’t even a banshee up from the bog in the forest! Just a run of the mill ghostie, and he thinks he can take on a vampire.” Argus shook his head and tsked. “Let’s go see if we can’t talk some sense into his head, eh love? If not, I should have enough spare stakes in storage that he can take a few with him. We’ll just whittle some more over the summer.”

    Mrs. Norris purred as Argus looped the silver cross on its silver chain around his neck. She heard him hiss as it tingled slightly, a light burning sensation against his chest he always complained about. “Damn werewolves. You get the curse once, and even if you burn it out it still managers to linger. Feckin’ stupid wizards, don't you think Mrs. Norris?”

    She leaned against him in agreement, and they headed into the flickering corridor together, stalking into the night once more.
     
  2. soczab

    soczab Professor

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    I liked this one a lot.

    Weirdly the only thing I wasn't wild about was the ending. I actually thought the story was even more amazing when I tought this was Mrs. Norris 'interpretation'. If that makes sense. I think finding out its not "cat interpretation" but Flich actually is a badass weirdly took something away from the story. Because I was loving the idea/premise that this was Canon but just Mrs. Norris' viewpoint of canon.

    Mind thats a complaint on the 'premise' so not sure how relevant it is. That may just be my personal preferences showing. So I suppose it depends on what your intent with the story was. But there could be some strength in not having Filch be a bad-ass werewolf hunter type... and he's still the cranky caretaker squib... but his cat loves him anyway? Dunno.

    Like... I thought this premise (where I thought the story was going)
    I thought that a much stronger and more interesting premise then that they were *actually* hunting monsters and werewolves and the like.

    Again may just be preference. Maybe you intended the werewolf thing as a "surprise reveal." But I felt it came out of left field and didnt... fit? If you wanted to keep that (and hey again I liked it better without) I might lay the ground work a bit better so my reaction isnt "Uhh...what?" But that really is a minor nitpick.

    That aside, I loved this! A ton. You did a great job of showing how a cat might 'think.' I loved that Mrs. Norris stayed true to 'herself' in that she still hates the students. likes to catch trouble makers, etc. And yet we *sympathize* with her. That in my mind is the greatest strength of the story (other then capturing a 'cat like' feel). This doesnt feel like an AU Mrs. Norris perse, so much as it is her life from a different pov.

    I liked imagining her as the 'heroine' of her own story. Her and her human patrolling the halls keeping the ungrateful brats safe and Hogwarts running.

    I said it before but it is worth saying again, you blew me away with how well you wrote a cat pov. It *felt* like a cat. Not a human inside a cat. Not something cliche. You nailed it.

    You also are a very skilled writer. I got immersed in the story despite it being so short. I'm not sure how to describe it, but some stories when I read it... i'm reading a story. And *some* stories when I read them, I forget im reading a story and i'm in the world. Yours did the latter, and that to my eyes is the highest compliment I can give.

    There were a couple of very minor splices I saw in the text. Very minor. I think I only noticed actually because of how smoothly the rest flowed so it jarred me out. I made the mistake of not noting them as I read, so ill have to reread to see if I can spot them again and stick them in here for you.

    But this was great and I strongly hope you decide to publish and share this with everyone when this competition is done.
     
  3. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

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    Listen up, pal. Don't do this C for Cendetta shit, or at least not where I have to see it. Alliteration works because the mind likes patterns but overuse it and you're just a cunt. It's a scalpel, not a hammer.

    Maybe this is something that "cat people" would be into, but I'm a dog bloke myself. Yes, Mrs. Norris is a smug little cunt. I get it, okay? This is like the HP fanfic version of Cats (2019) except with less characters and less suicide.

    The interesting part of this is Argus Filch as a veteran monster-hunter who apparently once got bitten by a werewolf but cured himself. Why wasn't that the main thing? Fuck me, I feel blueballed.

    In short, it's up its own ass as far as technical writing goes, the story bored me, and the interesting bit was an afterthought. 1.5/5.
     
  4. bking4

    bking4 Second Year ⭐⭐

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    This whole thing is a bit overdone. You repeat a few words, and you chose some words that don't exactly fit for the purpose of fitting the alliteration. Potentially a good tool to grab attention, but I'd tone it down a bit. Moderation is key.

    Repeating a word close together.

    This is a looooooong sentence. Break it up a bit.

    This was confusing. Where exactly is she? I'm the corridor or the seventh floor hallway? I'm assuming near the RoR but the sequence of events here didn't make sense.

    RoR confirmed, but how does Norris know about the door?

    You've already told us the castle respects her, don't repeat yourself.

    Her haunches

    Sunk her claws. Also, can you sink claws into metal?

    How many times are you going to tell us she's clever?

    Led her here

    Under her claws

    Reaching towards her written twice, don't repeat

    Wise teacher?

    You said 'silly' twice in this paragraph

    Sank her fangs

    Hiw does them using magic to track her benefit her?

    Show, don't tell. You do this a few times.

    As he gave her a good

    Fools, not fool's

    Okay! Notes above with some recommended changes for grammar or structure or stylistic changes. Overall, I think this was an interesting premise. It fleshed out and provided a different view/backstory for a somewhat underused character, so kudos!

    That said, this felt like a first draft, second draft at best. It needs some heavy editing and a couple content reviews to make it all flow better. It could be a cute little piece once it gets polished up.

    Outside of the editing that needs to happen, the plot is simple to follow along with and the beginning is an interesting enough set up to draw interest.

    Overall, cool idea, execution needs work. 2/5
     
  5. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~

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    "The corridor echoed with the clattering of claws on cobblestones. The cold was kept carefully away not just by her sleek, clever coat, but by the cozy wrapping of contentment which curled around her, from her claws to her calico ears. She was curious, she was cantankerous, but most of all she was clever. It was her cleverness which had finally come to its culmination for this year, creating the warm, comforting coo which coalesced in her chest as she crept through the castle."
    I can't decide if this is clever or obnoxious...but what the hell, it's nearly Christmas, so lets err on the side of generosity shall we?

    On a similar note, I can't decide if the ending is genius or terrible. So...Filch is secretly a badass monster hunter? That's wild, and thrown in at precisely the most irritiating place - write us a whole story about that! Or alternatively, stick with the cute cat shenanigans and don't drop massive plot bunnies in at the last minute. I will say, in support of the idea, that when the elves were first mentioned I was...maybe not quite 50/50 on whether it was house-elves or a different kind, given the kind of nonsense that goes on at Hogwarts on a regular basis, but there was definitely a moment or two where I considered that she might actually be hunting an actual 'invader'.

    Other than that, it's cute. Like soczab said, you've done a good job of making it feel like we're actually reading from a cat's POV. There's a couple of areas that could do with an(other) editing pass - for example, "She haunches extended as she flew through the air". But overall, an interesting little piece overshadowed by the AU that it throws in at the end.
     
  6. FitzDizzyspells

    FitzDizzyspells Fifth Year DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    I'm confused. So Filch is a werewolf? Or a Bill Weasley-esque pseudo-werewolf? Or a former werewolf? And he wants to wear a silver cross around his neck, for protection? I had trouble appreciating the end, because I was a little confused.

    I'm not sure I would call this an adventure, per se. Mrs. Norris sets out to steal a trinket that a house elf is polishing, she does, and she gives it to Filch. Her obstacles are a door and a brief moment of minor house elf magic. I bet Mrs. Norris has had more interesting days than this.

    I thought you did a good job crafting Mrs. Norris's voice — she's clever, petulant, and, well, catty. I 100% agree that she would inevitably have some sort of ongoing feud with the house elves. Your house elf voice was also very good. I don't think your Filch voice is quite right. You nailed the way that he talks to Mrs. Norris, but I don't think he usually talks about students this way:
    "I swear" felt off to me, and there's not enough malicious distain for the students here, lol. I also don't think Filch would say "kids."

    One last thing — I seldom find satisfaction in so much alliteration at the start, and I'm sorry to say I wasn't a supporter. As folks on DLP have pointed out before, assonance is vastly more entrancing.
     
  7. Niez

    Niez Seventh Year

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    No title? A mistake I feel, titles are certainly useful to create the appropriate expectation of what your story is about for potential readers, if nothing else. Given your lack of one, and expecting some sort of Hogwarts adventure, I felt utterly confused at the opening until I reached the ‘Mrs. Norris’ part in your second paragraph, and then my confusion turned to annoyance. To be perfectly honest, I just really did not want to read a story centered around a cat. A dog, maybe, if your middle name is Griffith, but a cat is asking too much.

    That being said, and having read it all, I can’t say I regretted spending the time to do so (it helps that it only took me a few minutes), but neither can I say much more besides. It barely qualifies as a story, much less an adventure one, and the ending is strange, but it probably accomplishes what you set out to do, which is to write a slightly humorous snippet from Mrs. Norris POV. So good job on that front, but next time write something I can spend more time critiquing, you’re kinda ruining my reputation here.
     
  8. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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  9. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    First thought is that 'clattering of claws on cobblestones' and 'cold was kept carefully' and 'cleverness come to its culmination' are a bit too much alliteration for me.

    I get it though - she's a cat. And I think that if you finessed this a bit more you could make this work as a non-human way of thinking/speaking, sort of like JKR uses accents for Hagrid and Fleur. Finding the best way to do this requires a more deft touch than you've used here to make it work, but if you can get it right I think it would be pretty neat.

    I do like how phrases such as 'its rightful queen' coming from a cat just... make me nod along, because CAT. And that's how cats roll. So I'm more accepting of this type of attitude than I would be from a human.

    I struggle a bit not to skim, as I'm mostly interested in 'what's going on' and there's quite a lot at the beginning about Mrs Norris and her thoughts on children, and elves, and the castle, and so forth, and so on. My eyes want to jump down to something happening, even if it's just Mrs Norris smelling something, and when I get to an active moment (she stalked and circled the door) I end up wanting to skim again for the rest of the next paragraph or two because it's more thought/description and nothing happening.

    Don't get me wrong - description and thought are good, but at the start of a story I'm not quite ready for those yet. I want to get grounded in what's going on first, usually at least.

    I liked the description of her opening the door.

    I am giggling at the story itself though - you do a VERY GOOD job of letting readers know what's actually going on (such as when the House Elves scold Mrs. Norris) and of also putting us into the mindset of the cat (such as when she hilariously thinks that she loves it when the villains monologue).

    This was my favorite part of this story - the fantastic juxtaposition of Mrs. Norris's POV with the clarity as a reader of the reality of what is happening from a person's POV was a fun mashup.

    The ending was endearing as well, with the bond between Argus and his cat shining through.

    There's a gem of a story here underneath some of the wordiness and word choices. But - imo - it is underneath that. I'd suggest taking into account your reviews here then popping it into WbA. PM me if you do and I'll try to do a bit more.

    Oh, and great prompt use! Non-Harry at Hogwarts, win.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2021
  10. Blorcyn

    Blorcyn Chief Warlock DLP Supporter DLP Silver Supporter

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    GENERAL REMARKS

    Let's ignore the opening. I think it worked out well for you. I'd never have read past that offensive assault of alliteration in any other context, but once I did, I was pleasantly surprised by the cat's perspective at the first part.

    This could do with some simple spelling mistakes fixed. He/she misuses. Teach instead of teacher at one point. Other stuff like that.

    You could probably do to make the section with the elf a little bit more concise:
    This all takes place in the length of the house elf reaching for Mrs. Norris.

    The ending was a squib, (maybe you're being meta). Filch's voice wasn't right, even though I appreciate you were trying to show us a different facet of him from the perspective of a POV that loves him. It just didn't quite get it right, didn't show us the him we know, with more sympathy for his motivations. The werewolf/scars stuff didn't seem like a 1:1 link, and it didn't really do much. It was a bit of sympathy, and gave a reason (which we didn't need beyond her capriciousness, which you worked hard to set up at the start of the story) that she stole the silver locket. Still, it didn't feel like a natural conclusion to her story, because the focus all ended up on him, and then it just ... stopped.

    MECHANICS

    Did the title do X, Y, Z?
    No title

    Was there a hook, how was it?
    The hook was in the behaviour and early scenes of the cat being cat like. You were definitley subsuming the story in the device, and it was an interesting perspective. I feel like you did run on a little bit, and if you'd just honed in and shortened it, really set out Mrs. Norris' target and made it a bit more active and a little bit less verbose it'd have been much stronger. A cat doesn't have a long attention span, I think you should've made it a little quicker paced. I'm thinking of 'Threadbare' as the example here, which is a story about a Teddy Bear that comes to life, and similarly is a non-human, small creature, trying to figure out dangers and human-sized challenges. It didn't linger so much as you did here, and it worked really well for it.

    Did it come too late? Maybe the hook should have been the first line but was 4 paragraphs in?
    Your opening sentence, was not the hook. It was the barrier to entry. So yes.

    Were the sentences easy to read?
    Some proof reading issues, but yes, you can tell there's some competent writing underlying this experimental and bizarre effort. So yeah, even though there were typos I didn't find it hard to read after the first part.

    There were a few bits where you overjustified Mrs. Norris' movements, which sapped the pace. But I went in on that in entry 1, and it's not egregious here. Just something you need to try and catch and cut more. It suits not being particularly sensory in its perspective, and I think that the was a reasonable amount of description in it, but that it didn't wholly detract from the alien cat thought processes and understanding of the world.

    SETTING

    Where does the story take place? Was the setting clear? Could you visualize it, or was it over-described?
    You established what was going on, the level of the stakes. And I think the contrast between our judgement of what was going on, and the high-seriousness and drama with with Mrs. Norris was treating stalking the house-elf and reaching it worked well. I could see it well.

    Did the setting affect the story? If so, how?
    It did. I think it should've been single scene though. Confined to this one obstacle course, threat and escape. A single event in a cat's life, and then the ending could've been improved by being one clear sequence of events, need/desire, plan, obstace, conflict, resolution and change in the character's circumstances.

    Was the setting portrayed accurately through the characters? Did the southern belle have an English accent? Anything that made it seem unrealistic?
    Filch, again. He lacked the edge that should've been apparent when discussing the students, rather than the cats. I don't object to him being charitable to Quirrel, where no one can see it apart from Norris, but his introduction and his place in the story just felt off.

    HEART

    The heart of the story is basically its message. Some stories will have a moral. Some might have a theme or a motif. Some will express an opinion about society or humanity or taxes.
    - There's something in here about the greater good really. Did it have heart? It did. Can I say it was anything in particular that I can point out? No, not really. I think it's a function of Filch again. We get the idea that she was relieving his suffering and she was loyal to him, and that could've been warm, but while her motivation became stronger when recontextualised, its benefit and the wound that Filch possesses aren't so well felt by us, and it's about him not Norris. So you lose something. That's why I feel it would've been better to have Filch off-screen for the whol story rather than appear at the end.

    PLOT and PACING

    What was the goal of the story?
    - It was clearly established, and the obstacle very quickly put in place. The desire to attack the house elf was intelligible and fun, for a cat perspective, but I think the efforts to get to the elf, and then the combat suffered for it. They took too long, still maintaining the pace of the set up when you were putting us inside Mrs. Norris' head, when by that point you should've been more on her emotions than her motivations, and the events as they were unfolding.

    - Your elf speak was suitably irritating, but that's my personal thing.

    - I feel the Elf fight should have been the point of maximum tension, and it never really rose that high (from Norris' perspective). I think it should have, for the cat, while maintaining that reader understanding that how Mrs. Norris sees the reality of her challenges aren't how we see them, and keep that working.

    Did the story drag on in places? Move too fast?
    Yeah, Filch, as said above, was too quickly covered. He didn't fit the amount of work that he needed, at that late point of appearance in the story. Even in a short story, introducing characters as characters rather than resolutions is often better done in the first half, not the second.

    GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

    Was the document riddled with errors?
    Riddled? Yeah, maybe a little bit. Obvious typos and word substitutions, easily caught if you give this another run through.

    CLOSING COMMENTS:

    Yeah, it was alright. It didn't stick the landing. It was a little slow for the story it was trying to be, and I think it should've been one scene, two character - really clearly start to finish, tiny story style. But I liked the tone.
     
  11. bking4

    bking4 Second Year ⭐⭐

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2017
    Messages:
    61
    High Score:
    0
    I'll own up to this! Another one of my strange experiments, which these competitions often give me the opportunity to try and then have fun failing at.

    Wrote it a day late after I saw the deadline got submitted and sent in my first and only draft. Got a LOT of great feedback from you all, which I greatly appreciate! I'll likely edit grammatically and for many of the content suggestions you all recommended then submit to WbA to workshop it.

    Thanks again to everyone for the wonderful critiques!
     
  12. soczab

    soczab Professor

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2016
    Messages:
    401
    High Score:
    0
    I really loved this one! Good work!
     
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