Spoiler

Really good, nice idea, good execution, a good fit for the length of story.

Character of Sev felt a bit off, but this is him as we haven’t seen him so I guess it makes sense. [\spoiler]

 

Spoiler

This is a really cool idea, using potions to peer into the future. Not quite convinced that Lily is into Dark magic, honestly, but it makes sense, as does using augury blood to peer into the future. The fact that he mixed in shards of Foe Glass somehow is also a neat idea.

That said, I think 'Sev' (it hurt to type that) isn't quite in character. I think he'd be quite a bit more acerbic, even at the best of times.

Also, it sort of trails off before getting to what I would consider the really important bit: them actually seeing, and reacting to, their futures. Characters misinterpreting prophecies or future-tellings is actually a pretty fun thing that you could've used to illustrate personalities or the vagaries of fate or whatever. Instead, you kinda didn't. Bit of a shame, I think.

In short, good stuff that could've used a little more heft to it. 3.5/5.

 

Spoiler

It's a neat little idea, that's for sure. I wasn't bored through the most of it and you added nice touched throughout the halls and Lily's tour to satisfy the magical, whimsical componenet of the HP story.

It's all a bit edgy though, and even though I have little against it, I found it kinda amuzing.

This is where I firs noticed in and so I went on expecting more. It was more prominent in the Sev's and Lily's convo and I must aay it took a little from the story.

The lines are at times cheesy, at times, edgy (which is still fine because it's Sev), but at times - and those are what took the most from the story - the lines are inconsistent with characters that you've tried to paint. Too brisky, maybe, can't really put a finger to it, but there's something off.

More of the talking, in my opinion, and a bit more of screen time for the awkwardness between the duo would do good this story. Something more to curious magic you developed too. It's a nice idea for potion and time, but it left me more curious than satisfied, I guess.

Good writing, all in all, and good entry.

 

Spoiler

Huh, ok. I think you picked a really smart prose style for a flash contest, sparse and careful with its description while leaning into dialogue to try and wring out all the time you could for plot. The prose is also well done, very few issues to latch onto and none too distracting. The main thing I noticed with it was that there were a lot of commas, enough that I couldn't quite tell if it was outright too many or just too many for my own taste. But in the grand scheme of things, prose is something you're good on.

So onto plot- or however much flash stories can have, anyways. We've got Lily on prefect rounds which serve to introduce the rough time this is taking place, and induce a meeting with Severus. The crux of the story is around the interaction between the two, which puts a lot of stress on characterization and dialogue to keep attention. I'd say you do well enough with it. Severus is very different from what we're used to seeing, but I also think the situation of him talking more casually with a friend is good enough circumstances to handwave away the differences. What exactly he's creating is left vague, which is good. No need - or time - to dive into the details of it. I will say though, unless I've misread, he's creating a potion for Voldemort or the Death Eaters, correct? And clearly based off Lily's glimpses of her own fate, it seems to be a success at least in some way. But then what was it used for after its completion? This seems intended to fit within cannon, so it seems odd to me that Severus has made a sort of major discovery here that then amounts to nothing. Ah well, it set up some nice atmosphere anyhow.

Spoiler: Comma Examples

Just two specific places the commas seemed to border on overdone. Like I said in the paragraphs, not sure this is an actual issue is just a clash with my tastes, but I thought I'd point it out anyways.

 

Spoiler

Why Flitwick's room? Feels like there must be more out of the way options for Snape to brew an experimental potion for the Death Eaters...on the topic of logical queries, I'm not sure how I feel about the extrapolation from Lily "I'll grudingly tolerate your interest in Dark Magic and bigoted friends up to a certain point" Evans to Lily "kind of interested in Dark Magic, and will tolerate actual assistance being provided to Death Eaters" Evans in this fic. Maybe it's supposed to be an AU that hasn't been fully/properly signposted? That would be supported by the fact that evidently, the potion doesn't affect anything in canon, despite the fact that it seems to work as intended.

Beyond that, not bad. It's interesting to see the art of brewing being discussed, even a little, and conceptually it's not bad, just a bit off. Beyond my first points, I don't feel like I have much to comment on I'm afraid.

 

Spoiler

The best character in this story is the potion.

I did not like Lily's portrayal.

I liked Snape's portrayal more than I did hers.

It may have lead to something more interesting if Lily was intrigued by the potion and the process of potion-making rather than the Dark Arts aspect of the thing. Potions are something that both she and Snape can connect on. His intended use of the potion can then be the point of conflict.

​

Snape seems like he's at the correct point in his development here, struggling between his desire for Lily, his bitterness, and his burgeoning relationship with the Death Eaters.

 

Spoiler

No title?

I would not normally read a story with Snape as one of the mcs, and I’m sorry you have to deal with my feedback on this. Feel free to ignore my input. That said I will make a real effort to be objective, and glancing at some of the other reviews, I don’t think I’m completely off base.

First off, kudos to you for using Lily and Snape as mcs, I think in general these competitions have been great at bringing out slightly rarer pov’s. Lily’s certainly is rarer to find, and it’s nice to read entries about different characters and times.

The beginning I enjoyed a lot, just Lily and the castle, excellent use of the castle as a character as well btw. Homenum revelio is a great idea and perfectly executed. I think there could maybe have been room for some foreshadowing there, I know you mention the full moon with Sinistra, which is good, but could use something more pertaining to Lily, either her more distant future or something about the scene you’re building up to. Unless the emerald thing from her wand was supposed to show some sort of Slytherin/Snape thing? Too vague if that was its purpose. Your story feels well-crafted, so that’s why I’m looking for things like that.

I think for Snape you’ve created a suave, confident young man, bitter which is good but that’s really the only bit I recognize as Snape here (you could almost swap Sev for Sirius and get away with it…). Maybe this is Rickman’s Snape?

He is very collected here, when he tends to either be embarrassed because he’s blurted something out in the canon scenes, or he’s heated and bitter (she too gets heated ofc, they argue a lot in the scenes we see in canon, might have been a better way to go?). In the books, every time James Potter is mentioned to Snape his blood pressure goes through the roof, including in the scenes with young Snape, so to see him casually mention him twice here without going off on tirades feels odd to me. In the books it usually reads as though he's on the back foot in his and Lily's conversations, she comes across as more self-assured. I'd say in your fic it seems slightly the other way round, but not too badly.

Actually, this bit:

“What does it look like?” He gave an irritable shrug, glancing at the fog around him. “You won’t get hurt.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t have time for this. Either order me back to bed, or let me show you what I’m working on.”

and him turning to leave her behind after reminds me of how Snape interacts Harry, whom he hates. Just feels off to me.

In your fic I get the feeling he's resigned himself to his fate of being unfairly treated next to Potter and that he's either a bit past caring or he's somehow convinced himself he will never lose her, or that he cares more for his potion than for her. Contrary to that, I would say from the dialogue we see in the books that he is very scared of losing her, she means a lot even if he doesn’t always understand why she disapproves of some of the things he does, and all of this shows in his dialogue (out of necessity ofc since it’s Harry’s pov, but still.). Lily explicitly gives a reason for cutting him out of her life, though, and the dark magic interest you’ve given Lily here goes completely against that. I think as an AU it could be interesting, but I don’t get the feeling you were going for AU here. The reason she is able to look past whatever bad things James has done (if we believe her snippet of dialogue with Snape after the werewolf incident as well as Sirius’s (or was it Lupin’s?) statement in the fire to Harry) is specifically that he never used dark magic. And even though she was loyal to a fault to Snape until he called her mudblood, she says it had been building for a long time exactly because she saw him grow interested in the dark arts and aligning himself with the Death Eaters. Your scene feels really contrived to me for this reason, I don’t buy it that she had an appreciation of this side of Snape, nor that she shared this interest. I think her stance on dark magic is one of the only things about her personality we can be sure of from canon.

Lastly, I think you could have packed more of a punch in the ending. The foreshadowing in the smoke was good, I liked that. But the end felt a bit flat after an otherwise excellently crafted fic. You’ve got a very nice way with words, too! Thanks for writing

 

Spoiler

I will not eat the bugs, I will not live in a pod, I will not like a Snily entry.

That out of the way, I'd like to briefly talk about the things that I liked.

I like the prose, I like the sense description throughout (fog like a warm bath in particular). It's effective and it pulls you in the story. The story is well written from a technical perspective too, which also helps. Within the actual contents of the story, I liked the reference to Remus' weak constitution, though I wonder whether you could have sneaked a 'furry little problem' somewhere in there. (it's a classic, after all). I also like that Lily inmediatly thought of fire when she first encountered the fumes of the potion. It's odd maybe, after five years at Hogwarts, but in a humorous way. Gave me a little chuckle, and trust me, I almost never laugh. I'm practically dead inside. I liked the concept of the potion too. Feels magical, but still canonical. The baby crying made me a bit sad, and trust me, I'm almost never sad, I'm basically...

I don't very like Snape. As a person, and as a way to live my life, but also the way you characterised him here. Characterisation is probably the weakest point in the story, but not because it's poorly done, but because it clashes with our canonical image of the characters (especially Snape, because let's face it, Lily doesn't have a character, so you can basically write her however you want.)

Examples of this:

He's like a fucking cheekster, what is this. But also, and this is the clincher for me.

No.

Go to Snily jail.