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Entry #9

Discussion in 'Q3 Flash Competition' started by Xiph0, Jul 29, 2021.

  1. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Yoda Admin

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    “You’re dead, Harry Potter.”

    Harry could barely make out Tom Riddle’s distant voice as he slid down the wall of the Chamber of Secrets, a searing pain spreading through every corner of his body. He felt weak, lethargic, his mind weaving in and out of a dreamlike state.

    If this is dying, thought Harry, his vision spinning, it’s not so bad.

    It’s not so bad.

    He was alone, and it was silent. His searing pain had left him. In fact, he wasn’t sure if he could feel anything at all. He could not tell how long he had been there, or how long he would remain in this state. He was alone, and he was Harry Potter.

    He would become conscious of the fact that he was lying naked, face down somewhere — and of the fact that he had eyes, which opened. Surrounding him was a thick mist, forming vague shapes around him. It was bright.

    He stood with less effort than he had anticipated. His body felt different, lacking the residual aches and pains that he knew himself to have.

    A light whimpering disturbed the deafening silence. He was not alone, it seemed. For the first time, he was keenly aware of his nakedness.

    As if on cue, he noticed a set of robes directly in front of him. He grabbed them, putting them on. Just what exactly was happening and where exactly was he?

    He surveyed his surroundings. The shapes appeared to come into focus. He was in a wide open space, a domed glass roof letting in copious amounts of light. The whimpering continued to echo through the space, increasing in volume, as he instinctively paced in its direction, towards what seemed to be rows and rows of seats.

    He grimaced, staring at the creature curled up at his feet, nestled under a seat. It lay on the ground in the form of an infant child, shuddering and moaning in its place. It repulsed him, but he could not help but pity it. It was small, pathetic, and helpless, but also evoked in Harry a palpable fear, which he did not understand.

    “It’s not your concern, Harry.” An unrecognisably unfamiliar voice echoed behind him.

    He jolted, spinning round to ascertain the source of this voice. A woman with dark red hair and familiar bright green eyes strode towards him, accompanied by a man with glasses and untidy hair that stuck out in the back — just like his own.

    Harry opened his mouth but could not find any words. He stared blankly, drinking in the incomprehensible sight that presented itself right before him.

    “Mum?” he murmured, blinking. “Dad?”

    “We were hoping we wouldn’t be seeing you here for a while, Harry,” said the woman, his mother, a kind expression shadowing her relatively youthful face.

    Harry blinked again. “But you’re dead. Both of you.”

    “Very much so,” said his father. Next to him, his mother gave a matter-of-fact nod.

    “And … I’m dead as well?”

    His parents gave a pair of mysterious smiles. “That’s up for you to decide,” piped up his mother.

    Harry furrowed his brow. “Up to me?”

    “Come, Harry.” His mother took him into an embrace. Harry’s eyes welled up. Could he cry here? Suddenly, he could recall the events that transpired before he arrived at this place.

    “The Chamber! Riddle’s diary! He took Ginny into the chamber!” he cried between sobs. “The monster in the school was a basilisk! It bit me!”

    He felt a reassuring hand rub circles on his back.

    “We’re proud of you, Harry,” whispered Lily into his ear. A warmness trickled down his neck as she spoke. “You’ve done so much.”

    “But … I didn’t do anything!”

    His father approached, placing his hands gently on his shoulders. “You were so brave, Harry.”

    “I —” A sudden, acute wailing interrupted Harry mid-speech. He glanced at the creature, still whimpering on the ground. “What is that thing?”

    “A discarded burden. You will be able to live freely now.”

    For a few long moments, the only sounds in the place were the pained groans of the creature on the ground.

    Lily broke the silence. “We tried so desperately to protect you, Harry. We were told that you were doomed, trapped forever in a fate intertwined with the Dark Lord. The night we died, that fate was irrevocably sealed — or so we thought.”

    “I’m not dead, then?”

    “Only if you choose not to be.”

    Harry sobbed into his mother’s shoulder. “Will I ever see you again?”

    “When the time comes, Harry. When the time comes.”

    When Harry opened his eyes, a familiar brightness greeted him, in a familiar situation.

    He blinked. The long, bearded figure of one Albus Dumbledore loomed over him.

    “Good afternoon, Harry.”

    Harry squinted. “Professor?”

    “My apologies. Allow me.” A metallic glint hovered towards his face. The world came into focus.

    A sudden jolt of panic overtook him. “Sir, the chamber! Riddle’s diary was behind it!”

    “It will no longer pose any threat.” Dumbledore gazed at him with a solemn expression.

    “And Ginny?”

    The old man seemed to become aged beyond his already wizened years at that question. “Miss Weasley, unfortunately, has departed from this world.”

    Harry looked at the Headmaster with shock. “And the Weasleys? How are they faring?”

    “As well as can be expected of them, dear boy. The family is currently in a state of mourning.”

    “Sir, I saw my parents.”

    The old man gave his beard a long stroke. “Curious, curious. And you spoke to them?”

    “For the first time. They were so real, Professor.”

    “I suppose they were.”

    “They told me that our fates — Voldemort and myself — were intertwined, sir. There was this small creature — it repulsed me. Was I really dead?”

    “As alive as you can be, Harry,” beamed Dumbledore. “Much more alive than you have ever been, I daresay.”

    “I don’t understand.”

    “The night Voldemort visited the home of James and Lily, he left a permanent mark, a sign of a connection between you and him. You had an ability — to detect his presence, to sense any strong emotions he may have been feeling, and perhaps to take a glimpse into his own mind. In my more recent observations, I was happy to discover, my dear boy, that this connection between you no longer appears to exist.”

    Drawing out his wand, Dumbledore conjured an ornate mirror in front of his face. Harry instinctively drew his hand to his forehead.

    “My scar … it looks faded.”

    “It was the physical manifestation of your connection with Voldemort. Time may be able to heal most wounds, but not wounds that are actively sustained.”

    “Riddle — he told me that I was a lot like him.”

    “And do you think you are, Harry?” Dumbledore gave an amused look.

    “No!” shouted Harry. “I’m different! I’m in Gryffindor! And I don’t feel particularly dark.”

    The twinkle in Dumbledore’s eye became almost blinding. “That is the crux of the matter, my dear boy. You do not believe yourself to be like Tom Riddle and therefore you are not. It is our thoughts and choices that guide us to be who we are.”

    Harry looked down at his hospital gown. “Will he be back?”

    “I’m afraid so, Harry. Although the two of you are no longer magically bound, there remains a deep circumstantial connection that cannot be severed. Fate is a very fickle thing.”

    “So I’ll face him again?”

    The Headmaster sighed. “That, my dear boy, is a matter that will be best discussed in the future. Enjoy your time at Hogwarts, Harry. Get some rest. Madam Pomfrey has left you a potion for dreamless sleep on your bedside cabinet. I am certain that we will be having many similar conversations in the future.”

    As Dumbledore parted, Harry swallowed the potion, instantly becoming overtaken by his own drowsiness. Still clutching the flask between his fingers, his newfound tiredness carried him into a deep sleep.
     
  2. haphnepls

    haphnepls Seventh Year

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    Two very distant chapters mashed into a single one, with Ginny's death being the only thing unexpected.

    Before James and Lily, I had thought the story will be about how Harry became Horcrux similar to the diary, and now I'm a bit disappointed it's not that :p. No hard feelings though. The writing was well done, but it all kinda falls flat, doesn't it? It's something that we already knew and what we already read so the final score is something along eh.
     
  3. FitzDizzyspells

    FitzDizzyspells Seventh Year DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    This is a point of divergence, but we don't see a story that's ultimately that much different. I did like that the encounter between Harry and his parents was a realistic one for a 12-year-old boy — emotional and overwhelming. But even so, it's still not all that much different from the conversation he had with them via the Resurrection Stone or the conversation Harry had with Dumbledore after Harry "died" in the Forbidden Forest.

    In the books, the conversation at King's Cross with Dumbledore, while serious, isn't exactly somber, per se. Dumbledore shares some compelling insights about himself and about Harry, and tbh I really would've been interested in Harry having an in-depth conversation like that with Lily and James. This ultimately just felt like you were making minor tweaks and shifts to canon dialogue.

    The main difference, of course, is Ginny's death. But we don't see that or the Weasley's reaction. So this isn't really that "new" of a story.

    It's well-written, but I feel like you're leaning on canon a lot. For that reason, I have to give this a 2/5, even though the writing is solid.
     
  4. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

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    An interesting oneshot that I feel like misses the mark in a few ways.

    It is generally assumed in fanon that when Harry dies he gets a free revive courtesy of the Horcrux in his head. I suspect it's more due to the fact that it is Voldemort who killed him? Of course you can say that in this story it is due to the Basilisk venom bringing Harry to the brink of death and then being resurrected by Fawkes' tears or something, but still. I can't quite escape the idea that killing the Horcrux is relatively simple, is narratively speaking not intensely satisfying.

    Also, Dumbledore seems rather too happy go lucky after a student was brutally murdered?

    I did appreciate the whole "meeting with James and Lily (mostly Lily)" thing though. That was good stuff.

    3/5.
     
  5. Atri

    Atri Groundskeeper

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    It's well written, everyone's in character and it's fine to read. On the other hand, it is too close to canon. There's no twist. I feel like the interesting things would be happening after this part, when we see what changes due to Harry dying in the Chamber. Unfortunately, that's not shown. So..it's good, but it's good if it's part of a larger story. 3.5/5
     
  6. Microwave

    Microwave Professor

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    This story felt a little bit stilted, as if every single part of the sequence played out exactly as one would expect it to. It’s technically sound, but uninspiring. None of it is particularly interesting, and the characters are more like dialogue machines than characters, which makes it all a little bit too dry.

    2/5
     
  7. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    1328 words
     
  8. Erotic Adventures of S

    Erotic Adventures of S Denarii Host

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    This story either needed both more and less. More with his parents and have it end there with more development in that area, and less on the time with Dumbledore, just him waking to show the choice. Ginny dying is not really vital to a one-shot (Although it would be to a longer story).

    That's a odd line.

    That as well.

    I like the premise in general and the writing is well done overall, but it doesn't sit with me for a one-shot.

    2.3/5
     
  9. Garden

    Garden Supreme Mugwump

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    Nice twist in canon you chose. Dumbledore feels a bit formulaic, a bit "pain by numbers", but the rest of the story is nice. 3.5/5
     
  10. LucyInTheSkye

    LucyInTheSkye Seventh Year

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    I like the idea here, but at the same time I tend to avoid fanfic where young kids are the protagonists, so I'm not your target audience. Harry feels like a child here (except when he asks how the Weasleys are 'faring'), but not really like the child JKR wrote about. It is still impressive to write a convincing child, so props to you for that.

    As someone who's written way more James and Lily than Harry, they feel a bit bland. They're parents here, not really characters. Having said that, I'm also not convinced Lily would open with saying she wasn't hoping to see him for a while yet, he's 12, she'd tell him how happy she is to see him regardless of the circumstances. Dumbledore feels a bit computer generated in the way he talks, but I would absolutely have recognized him as Dumbledore even with his name censored, so it is almost there.
     
  11. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    Not bad! The main point of contention I have is that the transition from "dead with parents" to "awake with Albus" is a bit too abrupt. It's implied that Harry has a choice to live or stay dead, yet we don't see him actually make that choice. He just sort of wakes up.

    If you edit it, I'd add an extra paragraph there to clarify the transition. I don't remember it being quite so abrupt in canon, though that Harry was 17 not 12.

    I general though, yeah - fun story, neat idea, and Harry feels young. I appreciate that, as I am a fan of having young kids as the protagonist when they feel at least somewhat realistic (as in canon).
     
  12. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~

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    I like this as a concept, but in execution it's essentially a mash up of two or three canon moments with a bit of a twist. That's not a terrible thing in and of itself, but when it's the entire entry, it's a bit disappointing. I liked the moments with James and Lily, and Harry mostly feels like an actual kid, bar a few moments in his conversation with Dumbledore; Dumbledore himself is trickier - he feels fine for the equivalent scene in PS, but with the new context of 'Harry nearly died, Ginny actually died' he's a bit too laid back. The writing isn't bad, but the whole is a bit disappointing in the end.
     
  13. Zel

    Zel High Inquisitor

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    Can't say I liked this one. Harry's conversation with his parents was too short and felt like a lesser version of canon's, and Dumbledore jumped from one mood to another despite the terrible circumstances, with Ginny dead and Harry nearly so. I think the entry would've been stronger if Harry had had a chance to interact a little more deeply with his parents. 2/5.
     
  14. soczab

    soczab Professor

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    An interesting one. So the premise I take it is that Harry 'dies' and has his horcrux thing in second year? I always tbh found the whiole horcrux thing confusing. like does book 7 work just cause he has voldemorts horcrux? Or is it because voldie used his blood in the resurection? Or because harry sacraficed himself for others? Or all three? Anyway I probably spent more time then i should have trying to figure out if that scene could have occurred here lmao. That said I liked this. It got me thinking. As some mentioned the prose were choppy at times but i spent more time considering it then i did most fics which is to its credit
     
  15. Dubious Destiny

    Dubious Destiny Seventh Year

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    This exact plot has been repeated over countless fanfics and now here as well. I do think this is a brilliant place and theme to touch upon, but there's nothing new here.

    I can't really comment further on the plot, except that it was formulaic.

    Harry and Dumbledore's characterization was really strong. Some quotes I like:

    This was adorable and really brought out Harry's youth.

    Your Dumbledore was terrific until this line.
    Something about the second line felt off.

    I'll give this a 3/5.
     
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