1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Introducing for your Perusing Pleasure

    New Thread Thursday
    +
    Shit Post Sunday

    READ ME
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Q4 2019 Story Competition is kicking off!

    Prompt:
    Foreign Magical Regions (Setting outside of Britain) Length: 2.5 - 5k
    Get writing Folks!
    Dismiss Notice

Complete Enveloped by the Darkness by Brigade - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Knoq, Aug 2, 2014.

Not open for further replies.
  1. Knoq

    Knoq Temporarily Banhammered

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    205
    Before I start the proper post, I just want to say that I couldn't relocate the ratings guide. It needs to be put in this https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=20438 thread for ease of use. So I just winged it.:eek:

    Title: Enveloped by the Darkness
    Author:Brigade
    Rating:M
    Genre:Adventure/Alternate History
    Chapters: 25
    Words: 143,355
    Updated: March 16, 2014
    Published: November 15, 2012

    Status:Complete
    Library Category: Dark
    Pairings: None yet.
    Summary: Harry was left at an orphanage after his parents met their demise. There, he finds nothing but suffering until he rejoins the Wizarding World. Dumbledore may hope for Harry to be a kind soul, but he's made mistakes. And what he gets is a future Death Eater. Harry is Dark, Harry is ruthless, and he is siding with Voldemort.
    FanFiction.Net


    It's better than it sounds, and has some interesting OC Dark Magic in it.



    The Sequel: Embraced by the Darkness
    Chapters: 6
    Words: 29,851
    Updated: Jul 3
    Published: Mar 16
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: There is a reason why everyone wants a piece of Harry Potter; the twelve-year-old is considered a prodigy by the Wizarding World, after all. But Harry has chosen his side. The Headmaster and Minister of Magic can try as they might - Harry is a dark wizard. Now...if only he could get in touch with the elusive, recently resurrected Voldemort. Sequel to Enveloped in the Darkness.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10191404/1/Embraced-by-the-Darkness



    Edit by Minion, August 02, 2014
    As you already mentioned it, why not adding the Sequel?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2014
  2. MrSam

    MrSam Second Year

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2012
    Messages:
    77
    I don't really like it, i couldn't even read the first couple of chapter
     
  3. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,755
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Read the first 3 chapters and it's readable. I worry though: it has real slash potential. I know you say no pairings yet, which makes sense given Harry's age, but my slash sense is tingling. Between the slashy title, the encounter with Voldemort in chapter 3 and several HP/LV fics in the author's favourites, I have a bad feeling...

    Edit: chapter 7, semen flavoured Bertie Bott's. Wtf.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2014
  4. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    366
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Holy Moose Empire
    High Score:
    1,826+3348
    I'm on chapter 4 and so far, it has potential to not be terrible, although not without some irritating details, like writing numbers in speech with actual numbers instead of words in one place and Ollivander labelling Harry a Slytherin just because he said he wants to, quote, "be the best". Rating will come later.
     
  5. Knoq

    Knoq Temporarily Banhammered

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    205
    There really isn't any sexual/romantic slash in it. Or in the sequel so far. Although I share your pain regarding good premises going rotten because somebody let their libido go out of control while typing. I have read a fic where the slash was warned about, and I just skipped that chapter. The worst part wasn't even the LV/HP sex, it was Draco being gay. And not just gay, but whiny, insecure and gay. For everything apparently. Like...what? Like, I just kinda rolled with gay Draco at first, but then the petulant whining. Uggh.
    Every Flavored Beans bro. Every. Fucking. Flavor.

    Again, none of that slash is present in THIS fic.

    @Dark_Minion

    Apologies, I fucked up horribly. Apparently. Sorry everyone.
     
  6. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    366
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Holy Moose Empire
    High Score:
    1,826+3348
    In all honesty, this isn't bad. I'll give it a tentative 3.5, rounding up to 4 for the rating, because I think it's good enough to be rated above average.
     
  7. A.K.$J6-J5

    A.K.$J6-J5 Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2014
    Messages:
    277
    Location:
    London
    4/5 for the fic and 3/5 f8r the sequel
     
  8. Knoq

    Knoq Temporarily Banhammered

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    205
    Well, the sequel is a work in progress, and IIRC, hasn't progressed from Summer Potter to School Potter.
     
  9. Radmar

    Radmar Disappeared

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2014
    Messages:
    339
    Location:
    Czech Republic
    I've been following this story for quite some time now. I am not sure whether to rate it 3/5, or 4/5. It's somewhere in the middle. But since I've read it several times now and quite enjoyed it, I will rate 4/5. I am also completely disregarding sequel, because I don't like it at all.
     
  10. Brigade

    Brigade Squib

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2014
    Messages:
    8
    Uhhh...hi.

    I'm Brigade - the guy who is writing this fic. I had someone send me an email saying that you guys had reviewed my story. I just wanted to say thank you; it is an honor to have a forum that prides itself on reviewing good pieces of fiction to discuss my story.

    It is funny, really. I find myself wanting to defend my work against your criticisms - I have answers that would probably satisfy each of you...but that goes against the whole purpose of this forum, doesn't it?

    So...feel free to message me if you have questions that you want answered. If not, once again, thanks. I really appreciate it.
     
  11. MonkeyEpoxy

    MonkeyEpoxy Prisoner DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2011
    Messages:
    2,797
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Colorado
    Huh? Defending yourself absolutely isn't against the purpose of the forum. Defense is a big part of literary criticism is it not? Just don't get mad and super defensive. And don't be surprised if your refutations aren't immediately accepted.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2014
  12. Darth Disaster

    Darth Disaster The Waking Sith ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2011
    Messages:
    233
    Location:
    Two blocks from the beach.
    High Score:
    2,249
    No, go ahead, defend away. So long as it's done in a civil manner you're more than free to disagree or discuss. If you're interested in more active criticism and discussion, you can take your story to the WBA.

    About halfway through the first fic. Not quite ready to rate yet, though.
     
  13. Brigade

    Brigade Squib

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2014
    Messages:
    8
    I meant that I'd rather this thread be compiled of reader's opinions and criticisms rather than it devolve into a situation where I'm defending my own story to everyone. Now, I think both of you are right. I think I can defend it without becoming too emotionally invested. More than anything, I want criticisms that will help improve my writing, anyway.

    So here it is. Firstly, some folks were fearful that the story would just turn into another slashfest. It won't. I've received so many reviews or messages where people ask for it and I've enjoyed jerking them around. The Bertie Bott's Bean in the original story was just a fun creative decision - every flavor means every flavor, after all. It was meant to inspire a bit of thinking: how does the Wizarding World let them get away with that? Do they even know Bertie Bott's does that?

    Secondly, I feel that my writing in the first...eight chapters or so is pretty bad. I've gone back and tidied it up a bit. I really need to go back and rewrite it. So let me know if there's anything that really stands out to you there as a problem.
     
  14. Knoq

    Knoq Temporarily Banhammered

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    205
    Its really cool to see you here. And I think Enveloped may have made it had it not had Embraced attached to it. Anyways, the ritual stuff and the turning of Quirrel and Snape was awesome to read. Now, the first few chapters of the sequel, are best read back to back.

    One of the issues with fanfiction is reading them by chapter updates. But thats all fanfiction everywhere. :/

    Anyways, I frankly preferred this rather different direction you took with Harry, however, be warned, DLP really seems to be utterly filled with people so set in their ways in certain things its a wonder they bother to read any fanfiction which deviates from canon whatsoever. Of course, someone could be a real smartass, and write a fanfic in which Harry's sex is changed, and little else, not his personality or basically anything, save maybe slashing her with Neville.

    And not change the series much at all. Given thats how JK Rowling wrote Harry anyways, I doubt too many here would actually complain.

    But low and behold, write a fanfiction with a premise that promises a legitimately different story with mostly the same universe a characters, and these people get shell shocked from.....something different occuring. But enough of that. Cool to have you here.
     
  15. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,755
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Yes, that's right. The forum which produced The Skitterleap, The Boy Who Lived and (if I may be so bold) Lords of Magic can't handle AUs. That's exactly the problem.
     
  16. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    366
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Holy Moose Empire
    High Score:
    1,826+3348
    Wastelands of Time. Circular Reasoning. The Lie I've Lived.

    In other words, fuck off Knoq.
     
  17. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,755
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    To return to the fic itself, I do remember actually reading a large part of it, and the slash overtones do reduce significantly as the language becomes a lot less slashy.

    I do remember quite liking the way Lucius Malfoy provides Harry with Dark Arts books and how Harry engages in these rituals. I also liked the duelling pit.

    As I read it a number of months ago now, I don't recall exactly why I stopped reading. I don't think there was any single moment where I just thought "this is terrible, I have to stop reading", though the centaur sacrifice was the last straw.

    Rather, I think I just slowly lost interest in the story as Harry became more and more irredeemable. Dark Harry is one thing, but evil!Harry (to the point of being essentially a Voldemort clone) is someone with whom it is very difficult to identify. He has none of the motivations or values of normal people, nor the moral complexity. He's completely evil, and that's all there is too it. He's not even evil for any particularly good reason XD
     
  18. golan

    golan Temporarily Banhammered DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2014
    Messages:
    567
    Location:
    Central Europe, for now.
    In canon, there are a lot of weird and fucked up flavors, so why not cum (JKR probably didn't use cum-flavored ones just to keep the books PG-13 or some stuff like that)?
     
  19. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    5,890
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Blocksberg, Germany
    Knoq you fuck, you are a member of DLP too (because if not, what are you even doing here?). So curb that attitude, it's getting annoying. Edit: And everything else regarding that topic can be discussed via messages, so stick to the story.

    @Brigade, use the thread as you want. Some authors use it as a way to talk about their story with the readers, while others prefer to read only. Both is fine.
     
  20. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,755
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Golan: the problem is not that there exists a semen flavoured bean. The problem is that the author chose it to be the one that Harry got. Yes, we can accept that logically there would be a semen flavoured bean, given the other flavours. That doesn't mean the author has to include it in their story.

    Readers draw significance from everything on the page. Putting semen in Harry's mouth in chapter 7 is obviously a deliberate decision the author has made, and so readers will naturally draw conclusions from it. If the author doesn't want the reader to draw those conclusions, the author should not include the passage in question. The readers know this. As such, readers can assume that the author did want them to draw those conclusions, since the author chose to include the passage.
     
Loading...
Not open for further replies.