1. EXTENSION til the 10th - Holiday Flash Writing Competition
    Topic? Bah, just make sure your SETTING is HOGWARTS!
    CLICK HERE for more info! Now, damnit!
    750 - 1500 word count & Stories due January 10th
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Introducing for your Perusing Pleasure

    New Thread Thursday
    +
    Shit Post Sunday

    READ ME
    Dismiss Notice

Oneshot Ever Dawn by Eyes.Radios.Lies - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Antivash, Nov 13, 2009.

  1. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2005
    Messages:
    6,957
    Location:
    Ghost Planet
    Title: Ever Dawn
    Author: Eyes.Radios.Lies
    Rating: T
    Pairing: Cho/Harry
    Status: Oneshot
    Link: PC
    Summary:
    A few small choices can make all the difference, really. An alternative look at OoTP. Oneshot. Cho/Harry

    So. An IRC Member wrote this, but thinks its far to soft for his reputation, things of late considered. So he asked that it be ghosted and pasted to prove its not nearly as bad as he thinks.

    Tanks to Trag for the title since the other fag didn't give me one. >_>

    Edit; Story fixed since the TXT file killed all quotations. >_>
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2009
  2. Necrule Paen

    Necrule Paen DLP Elite DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2005
    Messages:
    1,171
    Location:
    Southern California
    Aside from some kind of screw up with the parenthesis, I don't have a problem with it. It is not DLPish but it definitely on the right side of the crap pile.
     
  3. JWH

    JWH Unspeakable

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2008
    Messages:
    776
    Location:
    Paris
    I'm not really a Harry/Cho fan, but I found it was a good way to use a few minutes.
    4/5 from me. Not really earth-shattering, but definitely not bad.
     
  4. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,789
    Location:
    California
    I like it myself. Gives a nice "What if?" scenario. 4/5 from me. It didn't give too many details on what happened, but the Cho parts were nice.
     
  5. Katricia

    Katricia DA Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2009
    Messages:
    156
    Location:
    United States
    I've never actually read Harry/Cho before, but I thought that this one was decently done. The writing was good, although the story itself isn't really my cup of tea. It's not the type of fic that I'd normally read, but for what it was (a short, 2 or 3 minute read) it was well done.

    Solid 4/5 from me.
     
  6. Nuhuh

    Nuhuh Dastardly Shadow Admin Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,080
    Location:
    USA
    Even if his arm and leg were boneless, he still should have made like Gumby and play-doh'd the ho.
     
  7. darklordmike

    darklordmike Headmaster

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,098
    Location:
    USA
    It's all right. Certainly nothing to be embarrassed over.

    The trouble isn't with the Harry/Cho, but with the vast gulf separating the two scenes. We don't get to see what happened differently because of Cho's warning, though it's hinted that Umbridge wasn't able to kick Dumbledore out of Hogwarts.

    If that's the case, why would Harry and his buddies walk into the trap in the same way? Too many unanswered questions for this to be really interesting, but it might be neat to see it as part of a larger story.

    3/5
     
  8. Jeram

    Jeram Elder of Zion ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2006
    Messages:
    128
    High Score:
    1756
    Well, I don't know how bad "he" thought this was, but it's certainly not worthy of 4/5. Maybe 3/5.

    Here's what I said in my PC review:

    Mr. Mike is right, I think. The story is barely anything at all - just a light, airy concoction that hints at something interesting but doesn't "quite" make it there. I'd like to see a more fleshed out version. This one is a little too "eh" for me. I can't allow myself to be swayed by the H/C - it's not just up to what it could be, that's my main problem. But amortized...

    3/5
    -J
     
  9. Anya

    Anya Harley Quinn DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    789
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Arkham City
    I really liked this. The parts where things turned out worse in some places, but overall it was better what originaly happend.

    I'm going to give it four out of five stars.
     
  10. Johnny Farrar

    Johnny Farrar High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    520
    Location:
    In front of a Computer.
    The story is written well enough. But as DLM put it, there are too many unanswered questions. If Dumbledore is not thrown out of Hogwarts, then why didn't Harry go to warn him about his vision.

    My rating: 3/5. If the story was a bit more long and filled the gaps then I might have given it a 4.
     
  11. knothead

    knothead Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2007
    Messages:
    362
    It's mostly written well but there's one problem I had with it that should be corrected:

    Last paragraph: His grin widened further as he came back to the present, feeling Cho's arms wrap around him cautiously but firmly, her breasts pushing into his back as he molded herself up against him, the soft wind of her breath brushing against his cheek. Maybe he had something else, too.

    Unintentional, I hope. But Hermaphrodite!Cho???
     
  12. JWH

    JWH Unspeakable

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2008
    Messages:
    776
    Location:
    Paris
    inb4 Cho's massive cock jokes.

    Anyway, will the mysterious author reveal themselves eventually ?
     
  13. Nuhuh

    Nuhuh Dastardly Shadow Admin Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,080
    Location:
    USA
    Serious review: This feels more like a musing than a coherent one shot. I like the general idea of one small choice changing so much but it needs to be a little tighter. The pay off needs to be executed better. That said, we haven't had anything for Romance section in the last oh three years. So maybe...
     
  14. Nadino

    Nadino Third Year

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2007
    Messages:
    86
    Location:
    Ann Arbor, Michigan
    Yea, we're kinda short in the romantic aspect nowadays..

    As someone said above, this could be more detailed but oh well.. I'll give it a 3.5/5.
     
  15. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2008
    Messages:
    6,193
    Location:
    Washington, D.C.
    Sorry, but this was really, really boring.

    2/5
     
  16. scaryisntit

    scaryisntit Death Eater

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2008
    Messages:
    926
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    Don't see why many are enjoying this enough to give fours (evidenced by the 3.38 rating as of this moment). This is barely more than an idea. Original as Cho warning Harry may be, that in tandem with a few briefly mentioned changes does not equal a great one-shot.

    3 at best.
     
  17. Militis

    Militis Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,683
    Location:
    Online
    This, except I can't stand Cho almost as much as I can't stand Ginny. I think Cormic McLaggen needs to get with this Harry, so he can use it and lose it. :awesome

    2/5 from me. There were a few mistakes here and there that could have been ironed out with a double check or triple check. I think all of them have already been pointed out, but they were pretty jarring; especially the last line... Also, where's it going? What's the point? What changed?
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2009
  18. Kensington

    Kensington Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2008
    Messages:
    1,356
    Location:
    West Coast
    I actually think that Cho got completely screwed over by JKR. Proof that JKR hates Asians?

    Anyways, the story itself was ... rather lacking. The idea that Cho would warn Harry of the betrayal of Marietta has a lot of potential. Unfortunately, the author through it out there just to dry.

    I also found the descriptions describing Harry's take on his relationship with Cho tedious. It felt... forced.

    2/5. It could have been a 3/5 or higher if the author didn't bring up an interesting idea and take it nowhere.
     
  19. Lucullus

    Lucullus High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2007
    Messages:
    575
    Location:
    Classified
    There is no way this story merits its current average rating of 4 stars (or 3.5 points).

    Saying the writing isn't polished would be an understatement, not to mention much of the ficlet feels very contrived- what with Cho conveniently warning Harry of Marietta without any explanatory backstory. Not to mention the whole thing with Sirius surviving and everything going right... or as right as it can get, for Harry.

    Cho wasn't well-written here either, something that is crucial for a H/C work to be any good.

    I like the pairing, and would generally lookout for decent fics containing it, but this one just doesn't cut it.

    2/5
     
  20. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2006
    Messages:
    1,166
    I rather liked it. As mentioned before, a very good 'What if'. Well written, A lot of potential that actually sits quite well where it's left. Instead of feeling unfinished it does what JKR should have done. It leaves the end open to be interpreted however you want it to read.

    A cut above average 4/5
     
Loading...