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Fics so bad they make you laugh

Discussion in 'Fanfic Discussion' started by Archinist, Aug 23, 2020.

  1. Archinist

    Archinist Hαn Sαlsæd First

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    Edit: Nevermind, worst fanfic you've ever read period.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2020
  2. EkulTeabag

    EkulTeabag Seventh Year

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    Well, obviously fics like My Immortal and Thirty Hs would top this list. There are some truly bad stories from other fandoms that cause some laughs, such as Light and Dark: The Adventures of Dark Yagami from Death Note.

    And as for worst fic I've ever read? Yesterday I read After the Abuse, a truly awful 1000-word shitheap about Snape torturing the Dursleys and saving Harry. Also there was a nuclear explosion and strangely in-depth description of how to treat radiation poisoning.
     
  3. haphnepls

    haphnepls Second Year

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    Umbridge's Shitty Detention. I will say no more.
     
  4. Nevermind

    Nevermind Order Member

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    You called? :p

    I suppose that from the ones I can remember, that dubious honour would have to go to “King of Magic”, a crossover fic featuring the following description:

    Harry learns about his inheritance and becomes King of Magical Britain. He has abilities which have been blocked. He also finds how Manipulative Dumbledore and the Weasley's are. Between Molly and Ginny giving his love potions to Ron and Hermione being paid money from HIS vault. Multi-Wives, Multi-Titles. Strong ultra-powerful grey Harry: Crossover Avengers/Percy Jackson/Thor/Harry

    Obviously I knew what it was going in, but I still opened it out of some sense of morbid curiosity. I wasn‘t disappointed – it still stands out to me to this day. Perhaps it‘s because the fic manages to mangle its tenses within the first two sentences of the first chapter, perhaps it’s because most of the first chapter consists of actual lists of Harry‘s titles, vaults, Gods he’s descended from, Royals he‘s descended from, his (many) Wizengamot seats and a host of other things, including the potions he was put under by criminal mastermind Molly Weasley. Oh, and also the Potter will, of course. Needless to say, it‘s not very good and I didn‘t bother continuing.

    Honourable mention goes to HPMOR. ;)
     
  5. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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  6. Genghiz Khan

    Genghiz Khan Headmaster

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    I googled this up and the first link starts thus:
    2 mins into the fic and I had to close it. How the fuck did you come across this?
     
  7. haphnepls

    haphnepls Second Year

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    I plead the Fifth.
     
  8. Sowaka

    Sowaka First Year

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    I don't think it's the worst thing I've ever seen, but it's well, a not-good fic I recently checked out a bit. It's pretty much what I imagine all those terrible independent Harry stories from ages ago to be like, except it was written between April 2019 and July 2020.

    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13264708/1/Bellerophon-s-Fall

    The first chapter is a prologue where Harry and Dudley make a pact to escape Dursleys... on the first day of school. I could buy some kind of Dudley redemption after Harry saves him from Dementors, but the first day of school, when they're like six? C'mon. Then Daphne gets an edgy backstory about Astoria getting raped. And Draco has this gem:
    Draco Malfoy, spoiled brat, lay in contemplation of his future. He was ten now, and never thought much of reading books. He didn't care for those lesser than himself, and intended to be the best friend of Harry Potter. He did not realize that this was a fools game, and would bring about his downfall.

    Yet perhaps he stands a chance, all he must do is get away from his Fathers thumb.
    Made me think the whole fic might be a joke, with the Father's thumb thing. But no, it's too long to be a joke. I guess the author loved Dumbles' thumb, but wanted to be creative with it.

    Afterwards some fluff, meeting Hermione and stuff and in chapter 3 Harry gets to goblins, who for some indescribable reason start explaining the history of the Founders to him right away.
    The door creaked open, and there sat an old Goblin, with graying hair around his head, wrinkles everywhere and the longest nose Harry had ever seen. As he walked inside, the other goblin left, closing the door with an audible slam. Harry sat in the chair, and the old goblin looked up. He squinted his eyes through his spectacles with a frown on his face. After a few minutes of scrutiny, which made Harry feel incredibly awkward, the goblin finally spoke in the deepest and gruffiest voice he had ever known in his short life, "Hello, Harry Potter. I, am Kragrakk, your account manager. You are late for your appointment."

    "Uh, I'm sorry sir, I did not realise I had an appointment, I only came to trade the few pounds I have to some wizarding money, to be honest, I know incredibly little about the wizard's culture." Harry said, nervously.

    "Well, this is cause for concern, you magical guardian should have informed you immediately of this case, well no matter, I guess we should begin." Kragrakk responded. "We shall start at the very beginning, since you must understand all to be able to learn. The founder, Godric Gryffindor, Salazar Slytherin, Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw were the four greatest wizards of their time, having learnt under Merlin himself.
    This goes on for a while and afterwards goblins go:
    "You, Harry Potter, are truly, Hadrian James Poterimus, Heir Hogwarts and Peverell, but of course that is only if the family magic accepts you. To confirm it, you need to take an inheritance test. It is simply taking a drop of blood and pouring it on this special piece of parchment, do you agree?"
    Except few lines below and from that point onward he's called not Hadrian, but Harrison Poterimus. Of course he does a blood test, is the heir of everyone and their mother, has blocked super abilities, pure magic (extremely rare) and a marriage contract to Daphne Greengrass.

    Some more fluff, Hedwig is a phoenix cause why not. And then it's dab time on the train. First it's Hermione being impressed by how much Harrison changed and by Hedwig.
    "Hermione? Of course I can, hows it going?" Harry asked, slightly excited at seeing his friend. They had exchanged the occasional letter via her owl, Queenie. He found the name quite hilarious when he finally met his elf.

    "Harry? What's happened to you!? You look so different! It's cool! And is that a Phoenix, those are supposed to be rare, and only hatch for those who are destined for great things! I am incredibly jealous!" She said, eyes widened as she took him in.

    "Well, turns out I had a whole bunch of blocks on my person, so the elves removed them and I changed a whole bunch!" Harry said, "Also, her name is Hedwig, I found her egg, she was thought to be a barn owl, which she did hatch as one, then became a Phoenix, I truly love her."
    Then Ron barges in their compartment and Harrison decides to be a dick and tests him:
    "Hello, is Harry Potter in here?" He asked, loudly and quite roughly.

    "I am Harrison Poterimus and this is Hermione Granger, does that answer your question?" Harry responded, immediately wary of the boy, knowing he can only lead to trouble. It would not help if he knew wizarding history, for everyone who knew the history knew Poterimus had been changed to Potter, but for some reason he doubted the boy was very intelligent.

    "Ahhh, well, lets hope it's the next one, eh?" He answered, a grin on his face as he looked between them, and seeing no reaction, slammed the door and moved on.

    "Why did you say your name was Harrison Poterimus, Harry?" Hermione asked curiously.

    "Well, to be truthful it is, Harry is just short for Hadrian and the Poterimus family chnaged their own to Potter. I simply figured he wouldn't know wizarding history, based on his appearance, and I was right" He answered, still hiding his giant secret.
    Ron's an idiot and doesn't realize Harrison Poterimus is Harry Potter. Afterwards Malfoy comes and passes the test, but Harrison dabs on him hard.
    The door was shoved open by a blonde haired boy, who Harry immediately recognized as the Malfoy heir from Daphne's descriptions, and knew she was not lying when she described him as an arrogant, pompous ass who could be famous for the sheer amount of hair gel in his own hair. Beside him were two burly looking boys who seemed like they might share one brain cell between the two combined.

    "I hear Harry Potter is in this compartment, is it true?" He asked, the sheer amount of arrogance his voice held practically pushed Harry back.

    "I am Harrison Poterimus, this is Hermione Granger, does that answer your question?" He asked in the same fashion as the red-haired boy, hoping the trick would work again. He should have known it wouldn't.

    "Ahh, so you are Harry Potter, I am Draco Malfoy, and these are Crabbe and Goyle" He thumbed to the idiot boys. "I would like to extend an offer of friendship to you, I can easily tell you which family's are the best." He said this all as he extended a pale hand which Harry suspected was incredibly cold.

    "Afraid I would rather not lower myself down to your level, I will be friends with the Longbottom, Bones and Abbot family, those at my station, and I hear they are not fond of you. The lowest I will go will be Greengrass and Davis, for personal reasons. So, Please, leave. i do not want you to scare them off." He said, returning to his book.
    And Ron comes back and for some reason thinks he and Harrison are pals. I guess this is some Dumbledore plot.
    Harry decided to loom out the window just in case, watching the passing scenery. He spotted Gracie flying above, soaring along the train. He waved and she snorted and flew up. Then the Red-haired boy returned.

    "Hello, Harry, I have to ask, why did you lie to your best mate, earlier? I mean, I was looking everywhere? Then it turns out you lied to me? It hurts, but I will feel better if you get me some sweets, also, I'm Ron Weasley" Weasley said, all in one breath as he sat down next to Harry, grinning insanely. "Is that a Phoenix? Woah, you just be crazy powerful, only Dumbledore has a Phoenix, so you must be really special."

    He babbled on and on, saying how Gryffindor is the best house and Dumbledore is so great.

    Harry Finally stopped him. "Ronald Weasley, Please, stop, you are embarrassing yourself. You are not my best mate, Hermione is, along with Daphne Greengrass. Hedwig is my Phoenix, and I do not appreciate you comparing her to Dumbledore's, she is her own bird and she is amazing.

    This is about as far as I got. Kinda hilarious if you take it as a comedy, I have to say. But who writes a fic like this in 2020?
     
  9. Alindrome

    Alindrome A bigger, darker mark Moderator DLP Supporter

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    For fics that have made me laugh by being bad, I'll just have to quote myself on this old gem:
    Worst fic I've ever read? That's a tough one. I read a lot of pure shit. It's a hobby. It'd have to be something just about good enough that it kept me reading, and bad in a way insidious enough to keep me miserable while doing so. Hmm.

    I can't name anything specific, but I have this vague feeling in its place. My worst fic is one about an extremely passive Harry who just fucking sucks. Fic starts with a pretty good hook - wow, something's going to happen! It'll definitely happen! I guess I'll just keep reading the next chapter, it'll probably happen by now, right? Nope! Sucker! It never happens. The fic is 500k+ and nothing has happened since chapter 3. And nothing will happen.

    How does the author fill up this 500k? Well. It's constantly harping on about how Harry must be protected. Everyone sticks up for him and babies him. Harry does nothing except exist near the other characters, who are so blessed with his presence that they also no nothing.

    This is hell. This is the fic equivalent of eternal purgatory. I've read it a dozen times in a dozen forms. Save me from this fic.
     
  10. BeastBoy

    BeastBoy Seventh Year

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    My own. I was cleaning out my google docs folder and found a list of ideas I had jotted down almost a year ago for a story I was planning.

    It was awful. I was so surprised I wrote something so stupid that I had to laugh. Just stupid jokes and half-baked ideas. One epic notes detailed how Harry got into a dire misunderstanding and the entire dorm thought he had a foot fetish. Reading this shit that past me though was important enough to write down was like looking into Hell.

    No idea the state I was in when I wrote it but I had to do away with it immediately.
     
  11. Zombie

    Zombie Black Philip Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Wrong thread.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2020
  12. Archinist

    Archinist Hαn Sαlsæd First

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  13. Andrela

    Andrela Plot Bunny DLP Supporter

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    I try really hard to avoid reading bad fanfics so I don't really know how to respond to this. Basically I stop reading after the half of the first chapter if I don't like it.
     
  14. Selethe

    Selethe normalphobe

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    Bad fics we love? This is the crown jewel: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2083384/1/He-has-Fallen-We-are-Doomed

    Worst fic ever... not exactly creative of me, but MoR. Worse than just being terrible, it's also terribly popular. Whenever someone says that MoR is the best hp fic ever, or that they hate fanfiction in general but MoR is so clever and different, my soul feels like it's being crumpled and tossed into the nearest trash bin. It's the worst fic. Fuck MoR.
     
  15. Alindrome

    Alindrome A bigger, darker mark Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Wow, what a gem. Impeccable characterisation!

    "I am Prince Remus of the Lycans."

    Moments earlier...

    "Does it involve Dumbledore?" Remus growled slightly and transformed into a wolf and began to shred a cardboard cut out of Dumbledore Severus conjured for him.

    :sherlock:
    If you're using the Light Lord Potter theme you're bad and you should feel bad
     
  16. Jeram

    Jeram Elder of Zion ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Honestly that almost seems like a parody. Maybe it is a parody.
     
  17. Pathological Liar

    Pathological Liar First Year

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    How tf did you find this?
     
  18. Alindrome

    Alindrome A bigger, darker mark Moderator DLP Supporter

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    So here's my latest poor reading choice: Harry, 18, after defeating Voldemort, goes back in time to his 11-year old body. It's your typical peggy sue ride, rolling right on through all those stations of canon. Choo choo! (As always, it gives false hope that it's not a canon rehash early and then never delivers on the premise)

    The difference in this story is that Harry is just fucking obnoxiously and needlessly anxious. About everything. He's constantly convinced he's messing everything up just by existing, but that's not the real anxiety gotcha - no, what really takes the cake is that he's stressed about exams.

    Throughout the entire rather lengthy first year most of what he worries about is studying. He realises that he's been behind all along in the original timeline and that this time in order to defeat Voldemort he's got to do really well on his exams. (Lol) So he spends 90% of his spare time between classes studying and diligently doing his homework — yes, despite having already taken them before and being 19 years old mentally, he's obsessing about studying. To the point where people are worried about him. He doesn't always study first-year topics according to the narrative, but it's still endless studying with class material as a starting point.

    So yeah, the story ends at the end of first year when they've got their exam results. And he's only in the top 85%. He's crushed. LOL. Just... LOL. How badly do you need to fuck up to not score higher than 11-year-olds on material you've had 8 years of study to build on top of? After revising for it the entire year? Have you seen how 11-year-olds write essays? Rofl.

    My best guess was that the entire story was the author's stress-relief outlet, venting all their own exam related anxieties onto paper. That's fair, but it made for one hell of a weird outcome.

    TL;DR: Harry studies for 8 years and still can't beat 11-year old Hermione
     
  19. Longsword

    Longsword Professor

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    Anything written by Megamatt.
     
  20. James

    James High Inquisitor

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    It’s not the entire work, but this gem jumped at me today in a random fanfic I was reading, and this seems like the best thread for it:

    [french person is speaking]
    "Moisture Potter is right It is time to leave."
     
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