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Force of Presence by Morsemordrecaster(Me) - T(For the moment)

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by Riley, Dec 4, 2007.

  1. Riley

    Riley Alchemist DLP Supporter

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    Location:
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    Title: Working Title: N/A
    Author: MorsemordreCaster
    Rating: T (for the moment)
    Genre: Action/Adventure//Mystery
    DLP Category: The Alternate's
    Pairing: None
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: This is a very different take on your average Harry PotterStar Wars Crossover. Namely because there are no Star Wars terms, only the general ideas. Anyway, Harry is 32 years old and works alone. Given an apprentice, anything can go wrong.
    Link: Here

    This is my addition to the extensive Harry Potter Fan world. It is quite a different take on the universe, so I feel it merits at least some sort of recognition amongst DLPers, if only for its originality. Even if it is pretty stupid. Well, that's all I can say in my defense for now.
     
  2. Lincos

    Lincos Professor DLP Supporter

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    So there are no 'Jedi' or anything just concepts from SW?

    If so thats kool, I will start it after reading my current fic.
     
  3. Riley

    Riley Alchemist DLP Supporter

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    No, Jedi are not present in this fic, it is strictly centered on JK's world, I have either re-arranged it a little or added to it, but that's what Fanfiction is. Also, there will be noe Space travel, or Dimension hopping, it is a purely Earth fic.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2007
  4. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    {Shrugs}

    The first chapter read like starwars. There Are jedi, they just have a different name. The only thing that keeps this from being a full starwars fic is that the starwars races have been replaced by the harry potter races, and it's all here on Sol.

    Sorry, but It's only getting a 2 from me. It's well written, but it's not HP.
     
  5. Lincos

    Lincos Professor DLP Supporter

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    That is what I was kind of expecting to be honest, otherwise it would have nothing to do with Star Wars at all.
     
  6. Saint Alia

    Saint Alia First Year

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    It was okay, but I had a few issues with it. First was it being a crossover, I like my universes like my food, no mixing.

    That aside fact that I thought the lightsabers were wands, but the wands turned out to be lightsabers, or maybe they were wands that had lightsaber capabilities, or...okay I'll stop now, ended up confusing the hell out of me.

    There was also a problem with the fight in the prologue (I the Star Wars fanatic would pay attention too...) Harry ended up slipping on his master's blood after he got killed/stabbed by the enemies lightsaber. Thing is though, if it was a lightsaber that killed him, that kind of weapon cauterizes wounds on contact. When Luke got his hand cut off, bam, somewhat bloody but burned stump. Even Darth Maul who was cut in half only had a small spurt of misty blood, but when he fell down the big gaping hole no blood was coming out. I'm sorry that was probably really nitpicky and stupid, but there wouldn't be a blood puddle from being stabbed in the chest with a lightsaber, the force demanded I point it out.

    I do like though where the story is going, and bastard!Harry is pretty awesome. Solid writing, a few mistakes here and there, but overall a good start. 2.5/5
     
  7. Lincos

    Lincos Professor DLP Supporter

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    Yeah, after reading the prologue it just didn't capture my attention.

    The idea is good. The execution? Not so much.
     
  8. Hobbes

    Hobbes First Year

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    You never mix you meats with your mashed potatoes?

    It seems like if you can deal with the whole act like a jedi but aren't a jedi thing then its a good read and is a time killer for those who just want to read something halfway decent.

    EDIT: SO read further on and it's sruprisingly original. It kinda combines the Jedi order into the HP world. Interesting enough though its only 2 chapters right now.

    I vote that it stays in the library.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2007
  9. Saint Alia

    Saint Alia First Year

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    But that's just it, it's not really Harry Potter. They share the same names and faces but beyond that ther're whole different people. Yeah it was a good read, but since it's not really Harry Potter anymore I don't think it should be in the library. But that's my issue I suppose.

    And no I don't mix my meat and potatoes, that just makes my stomach crawl in revulsion. Seperation of food is good!
     
  10. Hobbes

    Hobbes First Year

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    Do you eat chinese food? Beef & brocoli with rice?

    I see what your saying, but if you look at like its AU to the extreme ,which it is, but it's still harry potter just mutated.

    Aside form whether it's HP or something mutated I like it.
     
  11. Imperator Pesmerga

    Imperator Pesmerga Seventh Year

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    To be honest, you should post in the Work By Author section first, if you're inexperienced or if you haven't even made a title yet. Post your fic in the For Review, once you feel it's good enough. A bit of patience can go along way.
     
  12. Deadman

    Deadman First Year

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    I kinda liked it.

    Ron's character so far is a little out of left field, (hypnotizing coin trick is fun, but is it Ron?), but Hermione sitting on the council, and Harry as the heroic loner both seem in character. Except for the fact that they're pseudo-jedi of course.

    I think it's a great blend, especially using the Wizengamot in place of the Senate from Star Wars.

    I give it 4/5. Get a real title though.
     
  13. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    'Tangled threads'? 'The way it is'? Oh! or maybe 'Force of Presence'?

    for a title I mean...
     
  14. Hobbes

    Hobbes First Year

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    'Force Of Presence' is a good one, I like it.
     
  15. Riley

    Riley Alchemist DLP Supporter

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    I do to, do you mind if I use it Manarethon?
     
  16. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    Go for it :)
     
  17. Riley

    Riley Alchemist DLP Supporter

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    How do i show that I changed the name of the story in the Title of this thred?
     
  18. a_wanderer

    a_wanderer Squib

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    Well, that was different. It has potential. It won't be HP, although it could be similar if carefully developed.

    There are some very interesting moments. Unfortunately MorsemordreCaster does not have the life experience and the patience to develop them fully. I'm certain he will write very good stuff in about 10 years.

    The writer needs a truly harsh editor to help him tighten up the language and help the story flow. I give it a 2.5 out of 5 for execution. I give it a 4 out of 5 for potential

    If MorsemordreCaster keeps writing I expect to see elements of this story in a more detailed and sophisticated story.
     
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