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Harry Potter and the Crimson King by Swiftdeath - M

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by Xanatos, Jan 26, 2008.

  1. Xanatos

    Xanatos Professor

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2005
    Messages:
    470
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Title: Harry Potter and The Crimson King
    Author: Swiftdeath (me)
    Rating: M
    Genre: Horror/Suspense
    DLP Category: Dark Arts
    Pairing: Harry/Many
    Status: Work in progress
    Summary: An Au 4th year story, Harry is hit with an AK and survives again, this time in a much different form, No Slash, HarryMany
    Link:http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3658896/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Crimson_King

    Hey everyone, long time no speak!

    I've not been on the boards much lately, as I left school last year and now have to jobs! Which takes up a lot of my time. Between working I like to go out and party, so not a lot of time for fanfiction between the two!

    But I have started to write again, this story called me and I looked at my plan, added some stuff and began the third chapter.

    Some of you might have read the first two before, and will hopefully notice I've taken a bit more time with this chap, and written a bit more.

    Its no where near perfect, I really need a beta, but I am proud of the work and the story is flowing from me so if you're looking for a fic, give it a try.

    I've already started the next chap so keep a look out.

    See you round the boards,

    Xanatos
     
  2. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2007
    Messages:
    3,947
    Krum spilling his guts seemed a bit unrealistic, too much like the antagonist giving a monologue of his plan before the protagonist. It's like he disarmed Harry first just so that he can deliver his speech.

    I think there was a tense switch, at
    and some misused words like "wretch" for "wrenched".

    This part of the little action scene seemed like a commentary, but that might have been intentional on your part.

    At the beginning of the second chapter, Narcissa's whole "Lucius used to be so independent" seemed a bit contrived, not to mention also a cliche to the Harry/Narcissa pairing.

    It's interesting enough in terms of ideas, as was the quasi-media res (starting in the middle of the story device).
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2008
  3. Mindless

    Mindless Big Boss DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2006
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    1,355
    Location:
    United States
    I do remember the previous incarnations of this, and I think it's vastly improved. It has the same feel that originally intrigued me, and as long as you're look for a story in which Harry kicks major ass, this is a good selection. The only problem I could have with it is that Harry is a little "super" and this could make the story lose its tension if his victory is assured.
     
  4. Testament

    Testament Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2007
    Messages:
    235
    This fic is somewhat decent. Not great, but not horrible either.

    The three chapters that are up all feel very rushed, I'm not sure if you're trying to maintain a high tempo but it leaves a lot to be desired. Krum's little "I'm going to kill you" speech is a pet peeve of mine and I can't see him doing that. Fight scenes were good and bonus points for having both Daphne and Narcissa on the team. ;)


    Once you flesh out the story a bit more, and maybe just a quick read through to remove some of the mistakes, it will have the potential to become a good fic.

    2.5/5 as it stands though
     
  5. KirijamaScion

    KirijamaScion First Year

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2007
    Messages:
    27
    Decent story I suppose, but the problem is that I've seen couple like it before, Fury of the Hellspawn maybe or was it Dakaath Prince of darkness... if it strays from those patterns and becomes its own story then I'd score it higher but as it stands 2/5
     
  6. Xanatos

    Xanatos Professor

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2005
    Messages:
    470
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Sorry for double posting, if a mod could deleat the last one?

    Well the chapter is finally out, hardest one to write so far, not 100% happy with it but its getting the fic into the bits I do want to write about, so I can't complain!

    Would appreciate opinons, I've had a shitty few months and would like to focus on something productive for once, criticisms are welcome, I know my writings far from perfect.

    As for next chapter, its a huge action one, and sets up the rest of the story, as for when its out, I'm not sure. I have to attend a summer school to get into Uni, so if that takes up less time than a full time job you may see it before July.

    Cheers
     
  7. nonjon

    nonjon Alumni Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2005
    Messages:
    2,129
    Deleted that post for you.

    And I just read the four posted chapters for this fic.

    You need some help. But let's start with the good points:

    Your descriptions are usually very clear and vivid. In that, as you describe wings or appearances, I have no trouble picturing something that I suspect is close to what you're describing. Actions and explosions come through clearly and your words are generally fitting.

    There are a number of typoes, tense issues, grammar, issues, just plain wrong word issues, and a few of them actually knocked me out of the story world I was attempting to immerse myself in.

    Things like this:
    All of the he and him used referred to Harry, but to suddenly bring up the name Potter in the middle of passage (hell, the middle of a sentence) made me stop and wonder who the hell was the first guy if this new one is Potter.

    The first chapter with Krum was just off. The complete lack of accent from Victor. The horribly out of place cliched villain telling his life story bit. The way he kept calling Harry by the first name "Harry" a few times and then "Potter" the last couple.

    Basically, this feels like a B-movie, where all the action is a step slower and all the movements painfully obvious in the choreography. We see a character's name and then it's like we get a paragraph summary of everything we need to know about them.

    Actually, the B-movie comparison fits the fic pretty well. The strengths are the clarity and descriptions of action, but the weaknesses are the way they are basically telegraphed and dumbed down to the reader. All of the characters feel like Crabbes and Goyles to me. No one is impressing me, no one seems cool, and I find myself not caring in the slightest what happens to any of them.

    As for the plot, well, you've turned Harry into some sort of demon monster hybrid thing we know nothing about. I like Harry Potter, and I see no sign of anything Harry Potter related in him. What the hell happened to him? Why is he doing the things he's doing? Is the Harry readers are familiar with still alive? Will he ever be coming back? Was this demon inside him and got released? Is it possessing Harry's body? We know nothing and until we do, we're not sure if we're supposed to be rooting for this demon thing or against him.

    I get the feeling you have a rough idea of where you're going, but you have no idea how to get there. So instead we're just going to have a series of action sequences, battles, one-dimensional characters fighting and living, or fighting and dying.

    What's posted is closer to some nice descriptive stage directions than any semblance of storyline and plot. You should take a moment, talk with someone about the story you want to tell, and find a better way to tell it. Because you've been here at DLP a while. You know the resources available to assist authors with open minds. You need more than a beta. I'm not saying don't be proud of your story, but find a better way to figure out what you're doing, how to do it, and how to make it clearer or more interesting to readers. Because even knowing it was only 8000 words or so, I had to force myself to keep reading.

    I'm all for fast-pacing, but you really need a clear direction if you want this kind of speed. You're building characters and plot devices for more standard pacing. Why slap cliched character details on us like with a team when you're just a few paragraphs from killing some of them off? If they're unimportant fodder to the story, then treat them like it. I didn't understand what was going on or the motivations for the characters throughout most of this. It was actually noticing the chapter titles that I finally connected the whole 'Narcisssa was assembling a team for a quest at Harry's urging' bit. The jumping of time with Daphne and then a slight flashback was odd. A few moments of 1st person perspective jarred me from the reading too.

    People haven't said much because there's not a lot of good here. If it were simply awful that'd be easy to complain about, but this, as it is, just fails to capture or hold interest. Sorry if I'm piling on in your shitty month, but I'm hoping a little blunt honesty can help you focus and figure out what to do with your fic and how from here.
     
  8. Xanatos

    Xanatos Professor

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2005
    Messages:
    470
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Nonjon, thank you for your opinion.

    I could through an absalute hissy fit telling you to STFU. But you are right, a lot of these criticisms are things i knew myself, but just ignored to get chapters out.

    I really want to make this a decent fic, but I've been concentrating to much on battle scenes and not enough on plot.

    I'm basically making up fight scenes until I get to the end part of this story, which is very exciting and I look forward to telling.

    But you are right, this isn't how I should go about it. I know I can write better than this, and thank you for reminding me about all the great tools and people here at DLP before I go ahead and get this fic out that I stupidly didn't even consider.

    I guess I was so excited about getting a fic out that i forgot to ensure it was decent.

    I really thank you for your honesty, and not being to brutal. I think I need to sit back and start again, but post in the work by author part first if this story has any chance of going anywhere.

    The B-movie part really hit it home, thats exactly what it is.

    I'll work on chapter one again, I've already got more ideas about how it could start and where this could go, btu thankfully these are plot driven and not just action sequences.

    Thanks again, always room for more critcism though, its all going to help me in the end
     
  9. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

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    Not too horribly bad, but not really all that interesting either. Like someone said, it follows Dakaath and Hellspawn a bit without the chapter lengths. Interesting ideas having it activated by the curse, but failed in the execution. 3/5
     
  10. Xanatos

    Xanatos Professor

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    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Its funny people keep saying that, but I haven't actually read either fics!
     
  11. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2008
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