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Harry Potter and the Dark Lord's Blessing by Drake - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by ip82, Dec 23, 2005.

  1. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Title: Harry Potter and the Dark Lord's Blessing
    Author: Drake
    Rating: T (on verge of R)
    Pairings: Going towards harem (without Ginny!)
    Status: WIP (only one chapter for now, but with 20,000 words)
    Summary - What if Voldemort had seen the similarities between his and Harry's life and tried to set Harry on a very different path?
    Link - Err... none (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/pottersplace3?)

    EDIT: He posted beaten version in files section HERE. No FFN version yet.

    This first year AU branches off Harry's first lesson with Quirell. Seeing Harry's childhood through the scar, Voldemort decides to change his plan regarding the Philosopher's Stone. Instead of going after the stone on his own, he truly starts teaching DADA and takes Harry (and few other -female- students) under his wing.

    Truly fantastic idea. The way Voldemort manipulates the kids into his advanced class, gets rid of lazy-arse Ron and motivates them to study harder is really great. New magical concepts and descriptions of rituals are high points too.

    Unfortunately, there are quite a few flaws in this rough version of the first chapter. First of all, some parts are rather poorly described and not quite clear (especially the beggining, before the first DADA class).

    Next, Dumbledore lacks any kind of character. There is a lot of Dumbledore bashing, but the man stays practically invisible - never says a word, never makes a move to defend himself, lets Quirell do what he wants, etc. He's more like a punchbag than a real person.

    And finally and most importanly, it seems that the author will make standard mistake for these kinds of stories ("Indentity"), and turn Harry's entire harem into a bunch of supermen (or rather superwomen). It's ok for one person to have special talents, or even for a few friends to be above-average, but for an entire group of 12 random kids to turn out super talented and heirs to XYZ uber-famous wizards is kinda lame and totally kills Harry's character and role in the story.

    Still, this is one hell of an idea, one of the best new stories in last few months. Definitely worth your time.

    NOTE: This story is not posted anywhere yet. The only form this exists in for now is as a message on pottersplace3 yahoo! group (subject is: "Harry Potter and the Dark Lord's Blessing", sender "Drake", message ID 1746). I'm not sure whether the author will post this anywhere else (or when), but stay tuned (or join the group).

    EDIT: Posted in files, see link up.
     
  2. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

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    The idea is really good. Never seen it done before but like you said, all them turning into super-wizards(witches) just ruins it.
     
  3. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    I agree, reading over it, it's rushed, but that's expected as this seems more of a quick jot down of a plot bunny.

    Making them all super, and having Harry getting chicks interestred in him at 11 ruins it, as does the constant mentioning of children standing around naked paiting animal blood on each other while a middle aged man possesed by a 70+ year old man watches or helps. Just makes me uncomfortable, mention it once maybe passingly and leave it be.

    Why the hell is it thought whenever someone writes a darker Harry fic where he's superpowered they make him a damned Necromancer?!

    I've never read the twist however, and I'd love to see someone do it right.

    Maybe this guy took an apprenticeship from Stained-future since it also contains a retarded laundry list of ablities.

    the part after that made me close the story.

     
  4. nonjon

    nonjon Alumni Retired Staff

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    I tend to agree with what people have been saying. Quirrellmort seems already too endearing. I mean Dumbles is never seen really, we're just told he is being manipulative and controlling, but his previously stuttering DADA teacher wants permission for all sorts of rituals on eleven year olds? Especially Dumbles' favorite little tool, Harry? "Of course, fine by me. Oh yes, let him talk to his dead parents, that sounds lovely. Lemon Drop?"

    And he doesn't even react to the fact that the mudblood whore is the "actual Heir of Slytherin"? I mean if you want to push everyone into the middle grey areas without any extreme good or evil, thats one way to lose my interest. Feels like there's no antagonist, and Quirrellmort seems way too aware and understanding to be a Dark Lord who was feared and murderous and evil just over a decade ago.

    And it is annoyingly convenient that these Heirs and secretly powerful people, all happen to be first years right now. Usually most people at least mix it up some with people a year or two older of younger. But nope. The stars aligned, the gods have spoken, so mote it be.

    Feels like Hermione, in Harry's mind, just flipped a switch somewhere too. At first it was all 'I pity the friendless bookworm' and 'good god she's bossy.' Then, it just sort of disappeared and an 11 year old Harry comfortably calls the others "eleven attractive girls completely nude". But I suppose with the abuse/neglect you can twist whatever sort of disjointed and inexplicable response you want from the little freak boy.

    "I never got to finger paint but now I can! In blood! And look! Susan Bones has red pubic hair!" I was waiting for the 'OMGWTF is happening to my peepee' moment.

    Man I hate child!Harry stories.

    But on the other side, this start does have some interesting potential.
     
  5. That_Boy

    That_Boy DLP Elite DLP Supporter

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    Personally, I thought it was a good start. Some fresh ideas and not Toooo badly written. The main problems (as has been stated) are that Quirrelmort is too nice and amicable, and the lack of reaction to Hermione is the Real heir of slytherin...

    I'm quite interested to see where it goes and with a good beta to get rid of some of the more confusing bits, sort out the grammar, add a little more character definition to Quirrelmort and rein in some of the more weird ideas I think it could go far.

    The Dumbledore not being around bit didn't bother me, though i think there should have been slightly more reaction to the revelations in the papers. The heirs bit is slightly ridiculous, if you are going to make them of above average poer...fine, but don't make them all just happen to be heirs of famous/powerful people.

    I personally had no problem with the idea of the nude rituals as they are about as erotically and descriptively written as a piece of dry toast. One of the better year 1 AU beginnings I feel.
     
  6. DarkPhoenix2500

    DarkPhoenix2500 Second Year

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    Its alright in my opinion, but it does seem a bit rushed, not really showing harrys feelings to whats going around, and just not thinking.....@_@ and he really didnt mention anything at all about the heirs or their powers >_> just kinda mentioned it in a stupid spell @_@ got i hate that, might be better if he just got rid of i think >_>
     
  7. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Ok, people, a beaten version of chapter 1 is up. It now has 48,000 words (compared with 23,000 in the original version), which is truly fantastic (strange? insane? Vorlonic?) for one chapter.

    There are a lot of changes in the new 20,000 words. Most importantly, he explained relatively logically how come they've all turned into supermen/superwomen. There are also a few more Ron bashing scenes, some Weasey twins, explanations about Dumbledore's conduct (as a response on reviews claiming that Dumbles never would have allowed rituals in Hogwarts), additional explanations with madam Bones and few more overshadowing bits.

    From the given hints, he'll definitely do a standard 'new maraurders' thing (probably as a replacement for any big enemy or a cause). Unfortunatelly, it seems he'll also put in a few more girls in the second year (fanboys and teenage bitches are already presing him about Ginslut!). Stupid decision if you ask me, but I guess overdoing things is a given for any harem fic.

    Anyway, all the scenes are now better written (save for occasional lack of concetration resulting in stupid typos), things are generally better explained and the whole story flows more fluidly.

    The only thing still lacking is a more active non-senile Dumbledore, but I guess the thing is somewhat better now than it was before - there are now much more explanation about that whole deal, than it used to be ("Hey, Harry, Dumbledore is fired!" - "Great... turn the funny pages.").

    Anyway, if you haven't read this, do so now. Damn good fic, especially after these corrections. If you already did, read it again. I had to skip over few unchanged parts but new 20,000 words are good enough for a small sacrifice.
     
  8. Elcyion

    Elcyion Squib

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    Well he does a good explaining for this how most "pure bloods" in the wizarding world is heirs to alot of Powerfull people but thx to the ritual that did go wrong they jumped a long way back so instead of parents or grandparents they got famous and powerful people..
     
  9. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    That explanation wasn't in the old version...
     
  10. Elcyion

    Elcyion Squib

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    You sure about that? I only read the old one, He might have answered that in a reply on potterplace 3 thought.
     
  11. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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  12. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    I guess it's that classical squibs-for-1000-years thing...

    Although, at one point, there was a bit of foreshadowing where Riddle avoided explanation how come that ritual works even for muggleborns... Could be the beggining of some clever and original subplot... or he just couldn't figure out anything at the moment so left it at that.
     
  13. Elcyion

    Elcyion Squib

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    1000 years is alot of time with marriages and such, im not doing any math but i think theres like 30million people that could be heir to a ordinary women that lived in a town. if they only had 2 children and in that time it was more common with like 10?
     
  14. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Science + heirs = it just doesn't work.

    It hardly matters who your grandparents were to the person you are, not to mention some guy who lived 1000 years ago. Hell, your neighbours have more influence on your development than 3rd and up generation of your ancestors...

    Heirs are just a nifty plot device and/or an easy way to introduce super-powers in HP fics. Annoying little things like logic and common sence don't have a place here. And why would they, when you can have Harry waking up all hawt & super-powerful all the sudden, only because he's 7th reincarnation of Salazar Slytherin's two times removed cousin's uncle's servant.
     
  15. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

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    I'm enjoying it. It's very entertaining.
     
  16. Mrriddler

    Mrriddler High Inquisitor

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    I liked this a lot for some reason, even the laundry list of abilities or what not. But I for some reason ignore the fact that Voldemort's going out of his way to do this lol...

    Mehe, the dialogues were pretty interesting, but I get the impression that the story's gonna crock somewhere along the way. Too much to cover unless the author cuts a couple years through.
     
  17. nonjon

    nonjon Alumni Retired Staff

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    I haven't re-read this since he edited it and nearly doubled the length. But can anyone tell me if there's going to be a point/plot to the story?

    An antagonist to our Harry/protagonist?

    Is it manipulative Dumbledore, and Dumbles still fears Voldie's resurrection and the prophecy? Because this Voldie seems to have completely turned the corner into the kind, considerate caring uncle Dark Lord. Or is he still evil? Maybe one of the chunks of Voldie is resurrected as evil!Voldie?
     
  18. Midknight

    Midknight Middy is SPAI! DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Ug, you just had to go giving the idiots another plot bunny to write didn't you! Hrm wonder how long it'll take the pitiful cliche writers to knock that fic out, lol.

    The whole heir's thing pisses me off anyway. It's one thing if the Potter line was secretly guarding something at Potter manor, or hiding a powerful relic for centuries, and it wasn't talked about outside the family. That I can buy. Having him suddenly become super strong just because he figures out he's a magical heir to someone huge I can't anymore.
     
  19. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

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    I cant stomach this... seriously... ug.
     
  20. Piccaboo!

    Piccaboo! Second Year

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    It was an interesting idea,, but as many have pointed out earlier,, it got a bit too much.

    The charactes seemed a bit bland, and really whats up with Quirrell(voldemort)? Is he evil or just named a dark lord by society and is really a missunderstood do gooder? Thats what it sounds like to me at least... and Dumbledore, yes i agree with the punching bag theory, that is exactly what he seems to be. He is not even portraid as the least bit inteligent which he would have to be to get to where he is(was).

    Actually many things are painted as if wizards and witches had an IQ of next to nothing. It's a society not a heard of cows put together....
     
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